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People who are 'good at flirting' are sharing the clues that tell if someone likes you

Here are 15 great tips.

via Pexels

Are they flirting with me or just being nice?

Most of the time it’s tough to know if someone is flirting with you because they have to be subtle. They can’t be too obvious because if the feeling isn’t mutual it can be pretty embarrassing. It’s also tough to detect if someone is flirting because most of the time it’s someone you don’t know very well. Do they like me or are they normally friendly?

It hurts to imagine the number of times we’ve all missed signals that someone was interested in us and a potentially wonderful romance never happened. However, studies show that it happens more often than not.

A study on heterosexuals published in Psychology Today found that women were only 18% accurate in recognizing men’s flirting, while 36% of men were accurate about women's flirting. However, we’re really good at knowing when people aren’t flirting with us.

In the same study, women were 83% accurate in seeing friendliness as just friendliness, and men performed about the same at 84% accuracy.

Jeffery Hall, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, says there are five main styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful.

Physical flirting involves “communicating sexual interest” to a potential partner. Traditional flirting is a tactic primarily used by introverts, where men tend to take the lead and women assume a passive role. Polite flirting involves the use of “proper manners” and is a cautious way of showing you like someone.

Sincere flirting involves telling the person you’re interested, and playful flirts like joking around but their efforts rarely turn into substantial relationships.

A Reddit user, who has since deleted their profile, asked a great question on the AskReddit subforum that should be a big help to those who have a hard time spotting flirtation. They asked, "People who are good at flirting, what are some social cues us oblivious people should watch out for?"

A large number of people who responded to the thread gave practical advice on the behaviors that are a giveaway that someone is flirting. The most popular responses are eye contact and laughing at your jokes, even if they aren’t funny.

Here are 15 of our favorite social cues that show someone is interested.

1. The dance of plausible deniability.

"Everyone is giving good advice, but flirting didn't click for me until i heard it described not as a set of behaviors to look out for, but as an escalation of suggestive behaviors couched in plausible deniability.

"Put practically, if someone is doing something to engage you that feels extra (lots of touching, looking at you in a way that feels a bit to long, or doing a lot of poking fun and complimenting you), then that might be flirting or it might not. That's the whole point. Plausible deniability. They can safely disengage at any time.

"If you want to know if someone's flirting, you need to test it. You do that by escalating things, but just a bit, so that now you have plausible deniability (touch them back in a comfortable way, maintain eye contact, or joke-compliment them back). If they escalate back and continue to do so as you escalate in turn, that is flirting. Eventually one of you will break cover and do something with clear intent (a kiss, an approach + ask for a number, or straight up telling them what you think of them and that you're interested). Otherwise, if you escalate and they don't change their behavior or they back off, then they were probably just being friendly and you should take the hint and do the same.

"Dunno if that's something obvious to people, but it was definitely not for me, and college parties would have been way less fun had i not known. Hopefully this can help someone else too :)" – three_furballs

2. Give 'em a chance to be alone.

"If you're in a group of friends (new or old), find a natural opportunity to hang back. Someone who's interested in you will notice and take the opportunity to talk to you in private. Now this isn't full [fool] proof but it'll at least give you the opportunity to feel for any chemistry between you." – Kagamid

3. Conversation should be two-sided.

"Be wary of a one-sided conversation. If your responses are met with mostly "yeps" and "uh huh" and nothing without meat, its probably not going well." – ViciousKnids

4. Ignoring their friend.

"If they look directly at you while talking to their friend it's a good sign." – yassis_bru

5. The reaction shot.

"I read once that if someone looks at you after someone (doesn't have to be you) said something funny and everyone is laughing, they like you. From personal experience, it's true." – luv_sicK

6. Lots of eye contact.

"They make a lot of eye contact. They are interested in what you have to say and ask you lots of questions. They laugh at your jokes, even the lame ones. They initiate physical contact. They try to find space where you can talk more privately (this does not always mean sex but it often means they wish for more quality time with you)." – TheSurfingRaichu

7. Trust then test.

"In my experience, almost everyone can get a sense that someone is into them, but most people second guess themselves until they convince themselves it's nothing. I say trust that sense. It's based off all of these factors that we pick up consciously and subconsciously, and almost always it's not a coincidence.

"When you think someone likes you, you can test that theory in a few ways. A subtle but effective example is inviting them to something you know they can't or don't want to attend. If they express interest in rescheduling or finding some other way to spend time with you, they like you. Otherwise they'll just say no, sorry I can't make it ... Of course, you could also just ask. In my experience anyone worth getting intimate with is mature enough to deal with that question." – MildlyWyld

8. Mirroring.

"Does their body turn toward you or away from you when you talk? Do they mirror your body language?" – Perfect_Draw516

9. They touch you.

"Physical contact. Granted, not everyone flirts the same way but a good sign is if they touch your arm (or the like) or you find them smiling the whole time that you’re talking to them." – Cosmic_Marman

10. Special eye contact.

"When you're in a public space, the direct eye contact (for a beat or two too long) and the look away. One of my go-to moves that always yielded results." – LuLu42

11. Bad jokes.

"Seriously tell a bad joke - look for laughter and smiles that should not be there but are. Then it’s you they are into, definitely not what you said." – YukonBrawler

12. Facial gestures.

"According to Sherlock: licking lips, eyes cast down towards the other persons lips, quirky smile of the lips, dilated eyes. And if the person has long hair, tucking it behind their ear or other fidgety behavior." – fandomfangirl1

13. Mimicking body language.

"In the case of someone who likes you, while interacting, watch for repetitious patterns and mimic their body language. Eventually, if you cross your arms and the person whose attention you are seeking does the same, for example, you can rely on that being a good sign." – flungkle

14. Little adjustment.

"I've noticed that women will do a little adjustment to you, like brushing off a little piece of lint off your lapel or moving a stray hair off your face while talking to you. At least they did back in my rogue days." – robfrankel1

15. Take your shot.

"If you're at a bar and a woman makes eye contact for more than a second without looking away, shoot your shot." – sle7in360

There you have it! If you're picking up any of these signs, it might mean you can go ahead and shoot your shot (respectfully!). Good luck out there!

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Identity

An open letter to men who will have sex with me but won't date me

"It's one thing if you're not into fat women — everyone has their preferences — but if you want to have sex with us without being seen in public with us, that's emotionally abusive."


Many years before I got together with my boyfriend, I had a sex thing with this guy that I thought was relationship material.

He not only had an amazing body but a great personality as well. I was honest when I met him that I was looking for something more than just sex, and he led me to believe that was what he wanted, too.

Between mind-blowing sex sessions, we ordered in, played video games, and watched movies — couple things but without the label. But when I tried to get him to go to a show or out to dinner with me, he refused. My frustration grew as the months went on, and one day I confronted him.

"Why don't we ever go anywhere?"

"We have everything we need here," he answered while simultaneously distracting me by caressing my shoulder blades.

"We actually don't," I said. "I'm hungry, let's check out that new Indian place around the corner."

"No! We might run into one of my buddies," he said, moving his body further away from me. The underlining meaning was clear — he couldn't take the chance that someone he knew would see him with me.

He needed to keep our relationship on the DL so that no one would ever suspect that he enjoyed spending time with me — a fat woman.

He was super fit, so obviously that's the kind of woman he wanted to be associated with, the kind he could be seen with at the Indian place.

When I realized he was ashamed of being seen with me, I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach — a place where much of my pain already resided.

To him, I was fuckable but not dateable. He dumped me soon after that conversation.

He did me a favor by not continuing to lead me on. Otherwise, I might still be trying to prove to him that I was worth any shit he might have gotten from other people. If I was still his secret shame, I might not have met my next boyfriend, so thanks, athletic asshole.

I had hoped that, in this age of body positivity, men would no longer need to hide their desires when it comes to fat women.

But I was wrong.

It's just a sad fact: Many men who are sexually attracted to fat women are ashamed of it.

They're OK with banging a fat girl, but they don't want to hang out with her — someone might judge them for it.

It's one thing if you're not into fat women — everyone has their preferences, and not every body type appeals to everyone. But if you find larger women hot and you want to have sex with them without being associated in public with them, that's emotionally abusive.

Everyone should have the freedom to express their desires openly (as long as there's consent from both parties). If you modify your behavior and wants to what you think will protect you from criticism and/or ridicule, then you need help because that kind of self-loathing will only grow until it has destroyed you.

Don't act like we're in a relationship if all you really want is to experience what sex with a fat woman is like.

I'll tell you what it's like: It's as amazing and fun as having sex with anyone who's into having sex with you. We don't have magic vaginas, and our breasts don't do any special tricks — well besides the usual, like feed or comfort people.

Fat women are just as hot and sexually gifted as women of other shapes, sizes, and abilities. Being fat doesn't mean we're so hungry for attention that we'll put our own needs aside and do whatever we can to rock your world.

If you're with someone who doesn't make you feel beautiful or who isn't proud to have you on their arm, you need to dump their ass.

Being alone is far better than compromising on what you deserve or being made to feel as if you're someone's big dirty secret.

You're not only dateable, you're lovable and worthy of being treated with respect and love.

I regret not standing up for myself when I discovered the athletic guy was only using me for sex. But at least I learned, as we all should learn, that I'm responsible for being my biggest advocate and to never accepting anything less than what I need.


This article was written by Christine Schoenwald and originally appeared on 06.29.18

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Identity

50 people shared the one thing they'd change about their bodies. The kids' answers rocked.

The children heard the question TOTALLY differently than the adults.

Photo credit: Canva

When do we start learning to hate our bodies?

Body image is a strange thing. Babies aren't born with any opinions about their bodies one way or another, but as we age, we start forming judgments. We might be teased about one or more of our features or we might just absorb messages about beauty standards from the world we live in, but whatever causes them, a huge number people end up dissatisfied with parts of our body by the time we're adults.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

"If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?"

In a video from Jubilee, 50 people were asked, "If you could change one thing about your body, what would it be?" and the difference between how the adults answered and the kids answered is striking—and telling. The adults listed off the specific features they didn't like and wanted to change—a smaller forehead, smaller ears, bigger eyes, a less puffy face, etc. The kinds of answers most of us would mostly likely give.

But the kids? They heard the question totally differently and answered it in the best way possible.

Watch:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Of course you would choose to have a mermaid tail or legs like a cheetah if you could change one thing about your body! Of course you'd want wings so you could fly and a shark mouth so you could eat all the things. Teleportation? Put it in me! Extra pointy ears? Heck yes, little elfling.

Or even just…nothing. "I wouldn't change anything. I like my body." That might just be the most revolutionary statement of the 21st century.

Kids aren't immune to being dissatisfied with their bodies, of course. Studies show that body image concerns can begin as early as age 3 and tend to increase year after year, peaking in adolescence. Keeping a child from slipping down the slope of body negativity is something for all parents to watch for. Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help protect kids' acceptance and celebration of their bodies just as they are.

How to develop and maintain a healthy body image

One way is to be careful about how we talk about bodies in general, including our own.

"What we say about our own bodies and other people’s bodies carries significant weight, especially in the presence of our children," pediatrician Mona Amin, M.D., writes on Instagram. "Our words shape their perceptions of self-worth and body image. When we talk about how we don’t want to get in a swimsuit because we haven’t 'lost the baby weight yet' or congratulate someone on looking skinny, we teach our children that there is a 'right' way to look. This subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, can make children start to scrutinize how they look, and can trigger insecurity and low self-esteem."

Another is to speak positively about the things our bodies—all bodies—can do rather than just how they look. Dr. Amin writes that children are borth with a natural sense of acceptance, but a keen observers they will often start to internalize the beliefs and attitudes of the adults in their lives. We can help them develop and maintain a healthy relationship with body image by promoting body neutrality and celebrating diversity in the way people look.

What does that look like in practice? Dr. Amin gives five specific examples:

1. Speaking positively about ourselves and our bodies both alone, with friends, and in front of our children
2. Positive affirmations about our body and what it DOES not how it looks: rewire the brain by feeding positivity where you need it
3. Celebrate qualities about people and kids and not how they look
4. Limit access to social media accounts and media that don’t promote body positivity
5. Not discussing weight in a negative way at doctor’s visits or ever.


via GIPHY

More compliments that aren't oriented around appearance, please

It's shocking how many compliments people get have to do with the way they look, and even positive comments can lead to an unhealthy emphasis on appearance. We can all try giving kids compliments like "That was such a smart observation!" or "I love the way you think!" or "Wow, that took hard work—way to go!" rather than focusing on how they look.

Parents on Dr. Amin's Instagram page shared how their kids responded to the question of what they'd change about their body if they could, and they reflect the responses in the video.

"Just asked my son this question and he said he'd change his feet into robot feet and would have robot arms and a robot belly🤖🥹"

"I asked my 5 year old daughter this question, and without any hesitation she said "I wouldn't change anything". By far, one of my most proudest moment as a parent."

"Just asked my three kids: Eldest said “I’d change nothing.” Youngest said “I don’t think I can anything but if I could, I would change everything to always be happiness.” Middle said “I would change madness… so that my body would never be mad anymore.” 🥹🥹🥹 Insecurities are taught. This really touched & convicted me 😭 Thank you for sharing this!"

"My kid said he would turn his body into Godzilla."

"🔥❤️ 6 year old said he would make a clone so they can go to school. 👏👏"

Let's all try to bring back that childhood wonder when we think about our bodies and celebrate the awesome powers they have—or even the imaginary ones they could have.

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Identity

Artist captures how strangers react to her body in public and it's fascinating

Haley Morris-Cafiero's photos might make you rethink how you look at people.

Credit: Haley Morris-Cafiero

Artist Haley Morris-Cafiero describes herself on her website as "part performer, part artist, part provocateur, part spectator." Her recent project, titled "Wait Watchers" has elements of all her self-descriptors.

In an email to us, Morris-Cafiero explained that she set up a camera in the street and stood in front of it, doing mundane activities like looking at a map or eating gelato. While she's standing there she sets off her camera, taking hundreds of photos.


Later, she looks through them and sees what is happening around her. Morris-Cafiero finds that people are often looking at her body, or commenting on it with their gaze or body language, at times even appearing to mock her.

"I then examine the images to see if any of the passersby had a critical or questioning element in their face or body language."

"I consider my photographs a social experiment and I reverse the gaze back on to the stranger and place the viewer in the position of being a witness to a moment in time. The project is a performative form of street photography," she writes.

Her work has been exhibited across the U.S. and abroad.

body shaming

Artist Haley Morris-Cafiero filmed people's reactions to her

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Haley Morris-Cafiero

She also published her book, The Watchers, which shows her photo collection and includes comments made to her about her body from passerby.

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Haley Morris-Cafiero

You can see that even people in positions of authority, like this police officer, feel comfortable mocking her just for being out in public.

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Though she's not looking at the people around her, Morris-Cafiero's photographs capture a split second in time that really crystalizes how people relate to one another on the street and the judgment she receives from strangers.

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Haley Morris-Cafiero

Haley Morris-Cafiero

In galleries, with the words beside them, the photos are even more pointed. She also includes the positive words she receives from people who have experienced discrimination for their size or any other aspect to their body that is consistently bothered by the dominant culture.

Though we all theoretically know that people, women in particular, are discriminated against for their size, seeing it captured in photographs is gut-wrenching:

The project has gone viral as people identify with Morris-Cafiero's experience, which means a lot of people relate to being stared at and commented on by folks who should mind their own business. Does that include you? You can check out more of her incredible work here.


This article originally appeared on 11.28.22

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