I had a couple of months to live and what I'm grateful for is not what you'd think
I did find joy in just the tiniest of ways. Here are a few of them.
![I had a couple of months to live and what I'm grateful for is not what you'd think](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy81NjE1MzUyMC9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc2ODc4Njc4N30.wbj7J8rtDs-qnEGR0CU_LW3tXt95cYaX3cfQtx_2V_k/img.jpg?width=1200&height=800&quality=85&coordinates=0%2C180%2C0%2C180)
Sometimes, although well-intentioned, people say the most infuriating stuff when you're facing a health crisis. I know, because it happened to me. After being diagnosed with a fast-moving aortic aneurysm, I was told I was on borrowed time. What a concept! As if I'd gone to the bank and taken out a "time-loan."
Soonish after, I was being lifted onto a gurney by a bunch of dudes who never did introduce themselves. Luckily, I had an amazing surgeon at a top-notch hospital and they took my heart out, (I was on a breathing machine, relax), stitched it up with some kind of polyester netting and sent me off to recovery.
I recall, just seconds before I went under, someone in the room announcing my name, age, height and reason for surgery. Cecily Knobler, 25 year-old female (just kidding, but no one needs my REAL age) 62 inches, aneurysm in the aortic root. I remember thinking in that split second, we are so much more than our names and our inches. We are wine-cooler nights at a mosquito-ridden park in 11th grade. We are the love we had for our dogs and our Big Dipper starry-night crushes and our favorite New Wave songs. We are not our skin or our chemo or our lungs or our fear.
Sometimes when you're in that hospital bed, loved ones just don't know what to say. A lot will tell you once it's all behind you, you'll have a new lease on life. The sunshine will be sunnier, that every breath is a gift, blah, blah, blah. The truth is sometimes it's hard to not get stuck in the woe-is-me cycle of "why did this happen to me?" and/or "what next?"
But I did find joy in just the tiniest of ways. Here are a few:
A strawberry milkshake
strawberry shake in clear drinking glass
Photo by Denis on Unsplash
Yep. That simple. Someone went to the cafeteria in the hospital and surprised me with a frothy delicious milkshake I didn't even know I needed. Paired with my tasty IV drip, it was just what the doctor didn't order!
My hospital TV had HBO
lena dunham what GIF by Girls on HBOGiphy
I mean, once I was able to understand the remote, I was overjoyed to see I could watch old episodes of Girls. It hit differently on very little sleep, but I loved it just the same.
A video of my dog
Hungry Dog GIF by Rashmi ChadhaGiphy
A friend who was keeping my mutt while I was "away" sent me iPhone footage of him rolling around in some dirt. It made my heart so full, I almost had to get surgery again!
A night nurse made me laugh
Vintage Nurse GIFGiphy
One of the day nurses and I got into a little tiff. She was trying get me to do a lap on my walker (which apparently is quite good for you) and I told her, "No thanks." We went back and forth for awhile and she finally gave up. Later, when my favorite nurse started his shift at 7:00pm, I told him she had been a bit of a jerk. (I might have used stronger language than that.) He laughed and said, "Oh she's the WORST." This took me by surprise and it was the first laugh I'd had in a long while!
My first bubble bath…3 months later
bored bath GIF by theCHIVEGiphy
After this particular surgery, you're advised to not drive or take baths for 90 days. The driving part I didn't care about, but lavender bubble-baths are my favorite thing. I marked the exact day in my calendar when I could return to that daily habit. And on that day, it was the best darn lavender bubble-bath I'd ever had.