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'Perfectionist' woman shares the realization that ended her obsession to have a spotless home

The advice is very counter-intuitive.

perfectionism, clean house, anxiety
via Canva/Photos

A woman has anxiety over her home.

There is a lot of external pressure for people to project an image of perfection these days. There are Instagram influencers whose job is to pretend they live in a perfect house with beautifully behaved children and a spouse who looks great in every photograph. Many also feel pressured to present a curated image of their families when posting to Facebook or Instagram.

Some also an internal pressure to be perfect that comes from being raised with unhealthy and unrealistic expectations. Punthea Van Terheyden, a writer for Better Homes and Gardens, was consumed by her desire for the perfect home and obsessed with tidying and decluttering. But she was relieved of this insatiable drive after hearing life-changing advice from Dr. Meg Arroll.

Dr. Aroll is a psychologist and the author of “Tiny Traumas: When You Don’t Know What’s Wrong But Nothing Feels Right.”



Many think keeping a clean and organized home makes their lives easier. However, when this is driven by perfectionism, it can make people more anxious than if they left the occasional crumb on the kitchen island or had a pile of laundry in the living room. “Perfectionism doesn't make life perfect. It leads to anxiety, low-mood burnout syndrome, and a reduced quality of life,” Dr. Arroll says, according to Better Homes and Gardens. The realization is strangely paradoxical. A cluttered home makes us anxious, but having a perfectly tidy house can, too.

The psychologist adds that perfectionists should examine the causes of their behavior because it may be driven by childhood trauma. “It's important to uncover the psychological drivers of housekeeping perfectionism, such as growing up in a home where there was criticism rather than positive feedback, conditional instead of unconditional love, as well as unrealistic societal norms,” she said.

Dr. Arroll believes the best way for perfectionists to recover from unhealthy habits is to reframe how they approach household chores or entertaining friends and family. She says we should trade perfectionism for a more positive trait: excellence.



What's the difference between perfectionism and excellence?

Their motivations are different. “Perfectionism is often driven by fear of failure, a desire for approval, or an obsession with flawless outcomes. It’s rooted in avoiding mistakes rather than pursuing growth,” Dr. Arroll writes in a Facebook post. “Excellence, on the other hand, is motivated by a desire to achieve one’s personal best, to continuously improve, and to deliver high-quality work. It’s about striving for the highest standards while embracing the learning process.”

The outlooks also foster different attitudes towards growth. Perfectionism focuses on the pursuit of the unattainable. Excellence embraces progress over perfection and instills a growth mindset that is ultimately more resilient.

Sometimes, the best advice we can hear is counterintuitive because it challenges how we see the world, opening us up to real change. Dr. Arroll gives perfectionists some good food for thought by sharing the hard truth that pushing for unobtainable goals can cause us more pain than perfection solves. Ultimately, happiness comes when we stop competing against people pretending to be perfect in the external world or trying to please those we couldn’t in our youth. Instead, we take on the challenge of becoming the best version of ourselves.

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Dad's heartfelt lunch message shows how simple, everyday acts can change lives

You can make a huge difference by using O Organics.

via Meg Sullivan (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

A volunteer hands out food in a food bank and Meg Sullivan shares her dad's kind gesture.

When we consider people who have had a positive impact on the world, we often think of those who have made grand gestures to improve the lives of others, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Greta Thunberg, or Mahatma Gandhi. Unfortunately, that type of effort is out of reach for the average person.

However, O Organics would like to remind everyone that they can positively impact the world through small, consistent acts of kindness that add up over time. Much like how a small creek can create a valley over the years, we can change lives through small, consistent acts of kindness.

O Organics is dedicated to the well-being of all by nourishing people everywhere with delicious organic foods grown by producers who meet USDA-certified organic farming standards.

Upworthy's Instagram page recently posted a touching example of everyday kindness. Meg Sullivan shared how her father, Tom, peeled oranges for her lunch just about every day from kindergarten through high school. But on the final day of her senior year of high school, he sent his 17-year-old daughter unpeeled oranges with a touching note about how she’d have to start peeling them for herself.



“It’s Time Baby Girl,” he wrote on a wikiHow printout on how to peel an orange with a drawing of himself crying. For the father, this daily ritual was about more than just making lunch; it was about showing that he cared by going the extra mile. “I could have put money on her lunch account,” Tom told Today.com. “But it’s one of those little things I thought was important, that she knows somebody’s taking the time to take care of her.”

The small, daily gesture taught Megan an essential lesson in kindness.

The post reminded people how their fathers’ small acts of kindness meant so much to them. “My dad peeled my oranges until I graduated high school, too. Now, I peel my daughter’s oranges and will for the next 7 plus years,” Katie wrote in the comments. “Love this. My dad peeled mine, too. When I moved out, he gave me an orange peeler gadget,” Mary added.

o organics, albertson's giving backO Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list.via Albertson's

Did you know that every time you go to the supermarket, you can also change the world through small gestures? O Organics not only allows you to feed your family delicious and nutritious organic food, but each purchase also gives back to help people and communities facing food insecurity.

Through contributions from customers like you, O Organics donates up to 28 million meals annually. The company’s contribution is essential when, according to the USDA, 47.4 million Americans live in food-insecure households.

O Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list. “Over the years, we have made organic foods more accessible by expanding O Organics to every aisle across our stores, making it possible for health and budget-conscious families to incorporate organic food into every meal,” Jennifer Saenz, EVP and Chief Merchandising Officer at Albertsons, one of many stores where you can find O Organics products, said in a statement.

O Organics now offers over 1500 items, from dairy products such as eggs and milk to packaged meats and breakfast staples such as cereal bars, granola and oatmeal. You can also enjoy affordable organic produce with O Organics’ fresh salads and fruit.

Everybody wants to make the world a better place. With O Organics, you can feed your family healthy, organic food every time you go to the market while paying it forward by contributing to the company’s efforts to end food insecurity nationwide. That’s a small, daily gesture that can amount to incredible change.

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Parenting

Mom shares 4-part secret to making her home "the house" for her son and his friends.

Con: They eat all your food. Pro: You'll learn to know and trust the people they spend their time with.

hi.im.amywhite/Instagram

I grew up in "the house." In high school, my home was the designated place where my friends gathered, sometimes in big groups, sometimes just my small core squad. My three best friends spent the night there almost every Friday and/or Saturday night for four years straight. We devoured Totino's frozen pizzas by the dozens, inhaled soda, and laid waste to any snacks or leftovers that were brave enough to exist somewhere in the kitchen. Not only that, but my house was pretty small — four teenage boys took up a lot of space in the living room (the whole thing) and made a lot of noise playing video games deep into the night. It must have driven my parents and older brothers crazy. It's a wonder anyone put up with it.

Or, so I thought when I was younger. When I became a parent myself, I started to understand a little more why my mom and dad were so willing to host and feed me and all my friends every single weekend. Why the outrageous grocery bill and constant chaos in the house was probably a small price to pay.

One mom has perfectly encapsulated why turning her home into "the house" for her son and his friends was so valuable and exactly how she did it.


Giphy

Amy White shared a reel on Instagram showing her college-aged son hanging in her dining room with a group of friends playing cards. The text overlay reads "What makes your kids high school friends want to come over, play cards & spend the night on their College Christmas Break". I think most parents can agree that we want our kids to keep coming home as long as possible! So how exactly did White pull this off?

Her explanation in the caption was spot-on.

First, White says that you have to start early. Become "the hang out house" in high school or even earlier. Then you have a better chance of holding onto the mantle into your kid's college years.

Next, be ready to stock the house with snacks and drinks, and don't make a fuss when your kid's friends have at it. "The kids knew we had food," she writes, "BUT they also knew I didn't care what they had. They knew they could eat anything in my pantry and fridge."

Third, and this is a big one, don't mistake being the "cool house" for being "the house." Some parents choose to allow their underage kids and friends to drink alcohol under their supervision, but you don't have to bend your morals and the law to lure the squad over to your place. Pizza and Coke is plenty to keep most teens happy. "We were not the house that served alcohol or even allowed the kids to bring alcohol to our house. And Guess What?? The kids still came and wanted to hang at our house!"

Fourth, always say Yes (as often as possible, anyway) when your kids want to have friends over. "They know my answer is 99% of the time YES," White writes. "You have to have your kids take the leadership of offering your home and if your home was 'open' to their friends in high school, they know it will be 'open' to their friends in college."

As a bonus tip, White pleas with parents not to worry about the mess having friends over makes. "I love a clean house and organization, BUT I would much rather have a crazy messy house for the kids where memories are made than a quiet house with nothing going on just to keep my house 'clean.'"

White writes, "It's worth being 'the house', so let go of control & get to know your kids friends." Commenters agreed.

White's video went viral to the tune of 8.5 million views and hundreds of comments. Parents shared their own experiences of what it's like being the default hang out house.

"Our house was the high school hangout for my son and friends... every weekend... I loved it!! Miss it now that they are all college graduates and have moved away. I love seeing them when they do come home for the holidays"

"A wise man once said don't be the house with the alcohol. Be the house with the food."


Teenagers will ravage your kitchenMichael Richards Eating GIFGiphy

"Amy 1000% agree!!! My house is full of teenagers on the weekends and I love every bit of it. Even though I wake up to a kitchen that looked much different from when I left it"

"we never allowed alcohol, drugs, bad language, always respectful, and guess what, our house was always the house where the kids hung out. First my daughter, then my son. Through grade school, high school, then when my kids went out of state for college their college friends would come spend a couple weeks during the summer. I always thought of it this way, I loved knowing my kids friends and, who knows, maybe some of those kids, especially during the younger years, just maybe those kids just needed an adult to care. Anyway, it was always fun to have them here!"

"It used to crack me up when my daughter would bring over a bunch of her friends (girls and boys) in high school and instead of hanging out in the family room they all wanted to crowd into either the kitchen with me or our tiny office and happily share all the gossip with me."

Experts say that knowing your kids' friends, and their parents, can have huge benefits. Not only will it bring you the peace of mind of knowing where your kid is and who they're with when they get to those crucial high school years, it has been shown to tangibly improve kids ability to create positive relationships and problem-solve collaboratively. Plus, it can actually be really fun! Kids and teens are the funniest, silliest, most interesting people on the planet. Having a house full of them is messy and loud, but it's always a good time.

Just "Don’t feel bad if your house isn’t the chosen house," one commenter reminds us. "Just be happy your kid has a good group of friends and be thankful they have somewhere safe to hang out."

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Mom has her 13-year-old son plan out practice dates to teach 'manners and respect'

She calls it a really great way to spend quality time together while teaching a valuable lesson.

@melissaannmarie/TikTok

Every month, Melissa and her son go on a practice "date" of his choosing.

Going on a date can be awkward. It’s just one of those things that, as an adult, you’re suddenly thrust into with next to no idea for what to expect, how to carry on a meaningful conversation, and, in some cases, how to not overspend. Imagine how much more enjoyable those first dating experiences could have been if you were taught the most basic ins and outs when you were younger.

It just so happens that mom and content creator Melissa Ann Marie has a pretty nifty idea for doing just that. Once a month, she has her 13-year-old son plot out a practice date for the two of them to go on, which she says is “really good practice for him in how he can take out future women on dates, especially as he’s getting closer to that age.”

While use of the word “date” in this situation can be understandably off-putting to some, and perhaps is instilling some gendered expectations, it’s also easy to see how, at its core, this is a practice in thoughtfulness, creativity, organization, and frugality. As Melissa explained in a TikTok video, her son is usually given $50 for this outing, and is expected to make all the plans—from securing tickets to arranging reservations—as well as adhere to basic etiquette like holding doors open and pulling out chairs.

“And along the way,” Melissa says, “I’m teaching him manners and respect, and it’s a really good way to just spend some time with my son while teaching him a really good, valuable life lesson.”

Below is a recent example of a practice date, in which Melissa’s son chose a cat café. Why? Because both he and his mom love cats, it was simple to plan, instantly gratifying, and because “it supports a good cause... the money’s going to the kittens and cats.” In other words, he aced it.

@melissaannmariee Come with me on a date with my boy 🥹 I heard about this idea from another teen/pre-teen boy mama and weve done this a handful of times now. We always have the best time with it! Basically you give them an allowance ($50) and they take you out on a date. The idea is you are prepping them for how to take a girl out on a date in the future so they aren’t completely lost when the time comes. So you help them along the way with how to plan and execute a date and you teach them basic etiquette and manners. And while you are teaching them, you get quality time with them which is the best part. What did he learn today?! -to open the doors for his date -not to walk ahead of his date -pay attention to their preferences with things (places they would want to go too) -pull their chair at a dinner table -learned how to give a waiter a non-verbal cue & signal for the check -learned how to make a reservation online -learned how to pay for everything all on his own - to get creative and thoughtful with a date & not a lot of money to spend 👏🏼 He planned a really sweet one this time and I really i enjoyed teaching him these things along the way and getting some one on one time together. I can’t wait to do this again and see what he comes up with. Trying to teach my boy all of these things so he can be the best partner for someone someday 🤍 #boymom #boymomlife #parentsofteens #motherhood #sandiego #fyp #parentingtips #gentleman ♬ original sound - Melissa Ann Marie


And since admission was $25 each, Melissa’s son came perfectly within budget. Sure, they ended up getting tacos on the beach afterwards, which Melissa technically covered then had him pay for it, (again, or practice). But that in itself is a bit of a lesson in going with the flow, ya know?

Just putting this through a heteronormative lens, think of all the complaints and lamentations you’ve undoubtedly heard from women about their male partners who didn’t exactly excel at date planning. Or even worse, who put the onus on them to plan the whole thing, in addition to planning everything else. Imagine how this lack of consideration could be avoided simply by teaching young men what thoughtfulness really looks like. We regularly encourage parents to help young boys become respectful to women by teaching consent, speaking kindly, and calling out sexism, but this too could be a way to instill really important values and have fun in doing it.

Perhaps this is why Melissa’s post resonated with so many moms, many of whom either incorporated a similar strategy, or plan to do so in the future.

“I did Mom/son dates. My son is 23 now and his fiancé says he’s the sweetest guy she’s ever met,” one person wrote.

Another echoed, “I did this with my 3 sons when they were teenagers. Valuable lessons, and such good quality one on one time with them.”

As parents, we're all doing our best to raise genuinely good humans. That often means finding creative ways to introduce them to the adult world. And, who knows, in teaching these concepts we just might learn a thing or two in the process ourselves.

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Tears for Fears singer performs 'Mad World' with his daughter, and it's hauntingly gorgeous

Frankly, his daughter steals the show.

Tory Burch/YouTube

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that we're living in a very, very mad world right now. Listening to the lyrics of the song "Mad World," it has perhaps never felt more fitting.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces

You mean my family members? The only people I've seen for weeks? Yep.

Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Umm, yeah. Going nowhere indeed. And it just gets more apropos:

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

Oof. Le sigh.

Tears for Fears front man Curt Smith and his daughter, Diva, performed the the song on YouTube, and it's gorgeous. Frankly, Diva is the one who steals the show, as it takes an immediately impressive turn when she pipes in with her perfect harmony.

Mad World performed by Curt Smith of Tears For Fearsyoutu.be

Oddly enough, the version they sing is actually a cover of a cover of an original Tears for Fears song. The original Tears for Fears version from 1982 had a quicker tempo and techno beat. It wasn't until the song was covered by Gary Jules and Michael Andrews for the 2001 movie Donnie Darko that the song became the haunting ballad we're most familiar with.

Just beautiful.


This article originally appeared five years ago.

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New 'touch grass' app is a wild way to stop you and your friends from doomscrolling

It's a dose of reality that a lot of us can use.

via Rhys Kentish/LinkedIn

A Touch Grass app demo.

Spending too much time on social media, whether you’re doomscrolling on TikTok, stuck in a rabbit hole on X, or playing League of Legends so long you have no idea what day it is, can leave you severely out of touch with reality. The online world can easily create a warped, funhouse mirror version of life, so getting outside and a reset is essential for your mental health.

Around 2015, a popular insult popped up on X (then Twitter), where people told each other to “go outside and touch grass.” The term has since become ubiquitous in online culture as a way to tell someone to buzz off, get a life, and enjoy a reality check simultaneously. Urban Dictionary defines the term as, “Used when someone is doing something weird, stupid, or pointless. it means they need to come back to reality, they need to get some fresh air and get back in touch with how the real world works.”

What is the Touch Grass app?

Rhys Kentish, a senior software engineer at the London-based app design firm Brightec, has taken the advice to heart and created an app that requires you to touch grass before you even think about wasting 45 minutes scrolling through TikTok or an hour on Instagram reels. “I was sick and tired of my reflex in the morning being to reach for my phone and scroll for upwards of an hour,” Kentish told Fast Company. “It didn’t feel good, and I wasn’t getting anything out of it.”

The app’s function is pretty simple: you choose the apps you would like to block, and when you want to use them, you are prompted to walk outside, take a photo of your hand touching a patch of grass, and then upload it to the app. The on-board computer vision system will verify whether you have touched grass and, if so, unblock the apps. The app is a great way to remind people to get their priorities together before engulfing themselves in an online world fraught with problems. Who knows how many people will walk outside to touch grass only to realize it’s a beautiful day out, and they'd rather take their dog for a walk? The app allows people to pause and connect with the real world before entering algorithmically altered reality.

touch grass app, apple apps, screen timeSome screenshots from the Touch Grass app.via Apple App Store

Users who upgrade to premium features can block unlimited apps, view their screen time history, and gain deeper insights into their usage patterns. They will also be able to skip the touch grass request more often than those with a free version. Fifty percent of all skip purchase profits will be dedicated to UK rewilding projects.

Currently, the app is in prelaunch, and people can access the full features in mid-March. But that hasn’t stopped it from taking off. Kentish was shocked that the app began to go viral after posting about it on Hacker News. “I uploaded the app to hacker news with the caption, ‘i built an app to stop me doomscrolling by touching grass’. The start was slow, maybe 6 upvotes after an hour. I checked this before lunch. When I came back from lunch, my firebase real-time analytics were still up, and i saw 1500 visitors in the past 30 minutes… what,” he wrote on Linkedin.

Kentish’s brilliant app idea is going viral because as tech gets more addictive and ingrained into everyday activities, many are worrying about who’s really in charge: “Me or my phone?” A recent poll found that 36% of Americans believe they spend too much time on their smartphones daily—and 40% aim to reduce their smartphone use. However, 27% don't think they will be successful. Let’s hope that Kentish's app inspires more people to be mindful and take a minute to appreciate whether they really need more screen time or more sunshine.

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Heartbroken mom uses painful moment to teach her daughter about the 'circles of friendship'

Honestly, this is a great idea for kids and adults alike.

@ktay.coaching/Instagram

Where was this when we were kids?

There comes a time in every person’s childhood when we learn the hard way who our close friends are…or aren’t. This may be revealed via a party invite that never comes, a BFF who suddenly becomes distant, or a sworn secret that gets spilled. While these lessons are necessary, it doesn't make them any less painful. And for parents watching their own kids go through it, it can be pretty devastating.

But one mom, Karen Tay, has a simple and effective strategy for helping kids navigate the tough terrain of friendships by teaching them the different levels of alliances early on. This idea was inspired by the “mom heartbreak” Tay felt when her five-year-old daughter told her about a friend that was “blowing hot and cold on her,” and requested that she arrange a play date for the two of them to get closer.

Tay decided to treat this not-so-great moment as a “learning opportunity.” And thus, the "circle of friendship” idea was born.

In a video posted to TikTok, Tay pulled out a sheet of paper with various circles drawn on top that she showed her daughter. First, there’s the inner circle—these are “people you can really trust your heart with.” The aforementioned friend probably does not belong here.

Next circle: “friends and collaborators who may come and go.” As Tay explained to her daughter, these are folks you get to interact with fairly frequently, but still need to have boundaries put in place. In other words, “guard your heart still, but play.”

Lastly, we have the outer circle, for those who have shown you that they don’t value friendship, and might need to be avoided. According to Tay, her daughter’s “friend” should be placed here, given how this friend made her daughter feel.

Tay took this lesson one step further by having her daughter define what each of these circles meant for her. For example, circle one is for friends who “play gently,” whereas circle three friends “change their behavior depending on who’s there.”

Tay concluded by saying that she hoped this technique would help her daughter better understand “the importance of trusting your gut, of really learning to be alone and be happy, what activities make you happy and even trying new friends, people you might not have considered before.” Honestly this technique seems to do just that, and is a tool that many of us could have used when we were younger.

Down in the comments, other parents applauded Tay, and shared their own personal struggles of helping kids through difficult friendship transitions. Clearly, this is a common dilemma.

“Oh my God. This is a conversation I've had with my daughter. I've not had such a circle drawing but this is even better.”

“Very very helpful. As a mom to a preteen middle schooler, who is learning the dynamics of navigating relationships, I would even go so far as to add this definition to inner circle friends ‘these are the people that you meet while you are truly just being your authentic self.’”

“This is really wonderful. I don’t think enough children or even adult adults take the time to really understand what’s going on around them.”

“So wise to do that circle theory with your child as we need to put our life in key positions for healthy relationships that bring a healthy heart and mind at all ages. The younger children learn about boundaries the better…you’re a kind mom to help her to learn how to decide herself to make healthy choices. ❤️”

If you’re interested in helping your own kid (or heck, even yourself) learn about the different circles of friendship, Tay actually has a free downloadable version here.

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