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Health

Relationship expert shares her advice on how to 'stop an argument in its tracks'

She has the perfect question to ask once your partner gets defensive.

therapy, lauren consul, relationship advice
via LaurenConsul/TikTok and Pexels

Therapist Lauren Consul has one trick to stop arguments before they begin.

Arguments start to take off when one partner begins to get defensive. So, therapist Lauren Consul shared her relationship-saving tip to "stop an argument in its tracks" when one partner goes into self-preservation mode.

Lauren Consul is a couples and sex therapist who’s developed a following of nearly 160,000 people on TikTok and has received over 5.4 million likes. She is an infidelity expert and hosts retreats to help people "survive and thrive" after one partner has strayed.

"The next time you and your partner are talking, and your partner becomes defensive, I want you to do this: Pause, and say, 'I want to understand what happened there. What did you hear me say?'" Consul says in her TikTok video with over 42,000 views.

"This question is key because it does one of two things," she continued. "First, it can allow for clarification. A lot of times when we've become defensive, we've interpreted something our partner has said incorrectly. We've run it through a filter, we've told ourselves a story about it, it's triggered something... So we're not actually hearing what our partner says, and it allows for clarification."

@laurenconsul

#communicationtools #communicationtools #defensiveness #couplesargument #learnontiktok #cyclebreaker #couplestherapist #relationshiptherapist #marriagecounseling #mytherapistsays #therapytol #tiktoktherapist

"The second thing: If your partner did interpret what you said correctly, it gives you an opportunity to slow things down and understand what is happening for them and address the underlying issue, rather than get caught in a spiral of defensiveness," she continued.

Consul's advice for stopping arguments before they explode is helpful because it clears up any potential misunderstandings. The key is to remember the tactic in the heat of the moment to prevent things from getting out of hand.


This article originally appeared on 3.16.23

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Education

Mom shares how her first grader's homework on the second day of school broke his spirit

"It's breaking their spirit and it robs them of what little fun and family time they have when they come home after a long day of school."

Photo credit: Cassi Nelson/Facebook

How much homework is too much homework?

Debates about homework are nothing new, but the ability of parents to find support for homework woes from thousands of other parents is a fairly recent phenomenon.

A mom named Cassi Nelson shared a post about her first grader's homework and it quickly went viral. Nelson shared that her son had come home from his second day of school with four pages of homework, which she showed him tearfully working on at their kitchen counter.

"He already doesn’t get home from school until 4pm," she wrote. "Then he had to sit still for another hour plus to complete more work. I had to clear out the kitchen so he could focus. His little legs kept bouncing up and down, he was bursting with so much energy just wanting to go play. Then he broke my heart when he looked up at me with his big teary doe eyes and asked…. 'Mommy when you were little did you get distracted a lot too?!' Yes sweet baby, mommy sure did too! I don’t know how ppl expect little children to sit at school all day long and then ALSO come home to sit and do MORE work too…."

Nelson tells Upworthy that she was "shocked" that kindergarteners and first graders have homework, much less the amount they were expected to do. "We didn't have homework like this when we were in these younger grades."

Expert opinion and research is somewhat mixed on the homework front, but there isn't any conclusive evidence that homework is universally beneficial for students and too much homework can actually be harmful. As a standard, the National Education Association (NEA) and the National Parent Teacher Association (NPTA) support a limit on homework of “10 minutes of homework per grade level."

With that as a guide, a first grader shouldn't have more than 10 minutes of homework on any given school day, but it's not unusual for young kids to have two or three times the recommended limit of homework. That can be stressful for both kids and parents, cutting into valuable family time and limiting kids' time to decompress, play and freely engage in imaginative activity.

As Nelson concluded, "It’s breaking their spirit and it robs them of what little fun and family time they have when they come home after a long day of school."

Most parents and even most teachers in the comments agreed with her that four pages of homework is too much for a first grader, especially on only the second day of school:

"Poor little man. Children below a certain grade should not be given homework! Small children have a hard time sitting still for a long period of time yet alone expected to sit and do hours of homework, for what??? They are SMALL CHILDREN! Let them snack, play, laugh and all the other fun things when they get home. You are only a child once, they don't need that taken away from them. Let them embrace their inner creativity, imagination, recipes, etc."

"This breaks my spirit. Our schools are huge scams. You're exactly right Cassi. Homework is ridiculous. Kids til the age of 10 primarily learn through real life situations and play scenarios."

"I hate that for him! My little one has ADHD and doing homework after sitting in class all day is very stressful to him and makes him hate school. They are in school for 7 hours they shouldn’t have homework. That definitely takes away any kind of family time and that’s why kids never spend time with parents anymore because they have all this homework to do after being gone all day.I feel that if it can’t be done in the 7 hours they have the kids then it should wait until the next school day."

"I don’t make them do homework at home when they are that little. It’s not fair!They are at school allllll day! And it’s already sooooo much for their little bodies and brains! I’ve never had a teacher upset about it either.. and even if I did oh well!"

"That breaks my heart. 4 pages is absolutely ridiculous for young kids. My daughter is going into 2nd grade next month, the 2 years in school it was always 1 page of homework sometimes back and front if it was math. And to read."

"I was in this boat with my son…conversation with the principal and teachers helped dramatically!! It’s too much and we have to advocate for them."

Nelson was blown away by the response to her post, which has been shared on Facebook over 89,000 times. "I NEVER thought me sharing my thoughts openly about how my heart hurt watching my little guy struggle would connect to so many others worldwide going through the same thing," she says.

Many parents shared that excessive homework is one of the reasons they decided to homeschool their children, which Nelson took to heart. The week after sharing her viral homework post, she shared that they had had their first day of homeschooling. It was "A HUGE SUCCESS!!!!" she wrote, with her son getting far more work done in a far shorter amount of time, sitting for classes for just 1 hour and 45 minutes total.

Nelson tells Upworthy she was totally intimidated to try homeschooling. "I seriously thought there was no way," she says. "But I knew I had to set my fear aside and just take the leap for my kids. I told myself I'd figure it out one way or another. And here we are three days in and it's been the easiest and best choice I've ever made."

Homeschooling is not going to the right solution for every family, however, so the question of homework remains an important issue for kids, parents, teachers and schools to work out.

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Family

Single dad asks strangers for help when 13-year-old daughter starts her first period

The women (and men!) are here to help.

Photo credit: Canva

A single dad reaching out for help got a huge amount of support.

Even in this amazing girl-dad era, certain aspects of girlhood can still be quite challenging for fathers to know how to best show up for their daughters. And certainly, first periods are one of them.

This can be especially true for single dads. Even the guy who grew up with sisters likely wouldn’t know the ins and outs of different menstrual products available today, and that’s not even getting into the emotional roller coaster often involved.

One single dad hoped to find answers on Reddit after his soon-to-be 13-year-old daughter had her first cycle. And thankfully, he got what he needed—and then some.

“I'm a single dad and my daughter (soon to be 13) has just started her first period. Luckily, she was at a friend's house and managed to get hold of a few pads but we don't really have anything at home,” the dad explained.

He continued, “What do I need to be doing? Pads, tampons or cups? Different things for different situations? Should I just buy different products in different levels of absorbency and let her figure out what's comfortable? Should I have a specific pain relief on hand or just hot water bottles?”


Hello Reddit, my teenage daughter has just started her first period. What do I do?
byu/notafrenchspy inNoStupidQuestions


First off, kudos to this dad for already being thorough. Asking about product specifics? Thinking about pain relief? A+

And people were equally thorough in their answers. One person suggested dedicating a section of the bathroom to a discrete “period care stash” which would include:

  • Pads (medium + heavy OR medium + night-time).
  • Baby wipes (fragrance free. NOT makeup wipes).
  • Ibuprofen or similar
  • Hot water bottle
  • Bonus items:
    • Favorite chocolate
    • New pack of basic underwear

period products for teensEnough can't be said about having a discreet period stash. Photo credit: Canva

They also suggested getting a fabric drawstring bag so that some of these items could go into the girl’s school bag, as well as incorporating a cycle tracking app like Clue or using some other kind of “top-up system” to know when these items would need replenishing.

“This will probably depend a lot on how independent she is and whether the topic feels awkward to her (which is natural even though there's nothing to be embarrassed about). She might want you to just pick up a new packet of pads as part of your grocery shop once a month. She might want you to leave the shopping list where she can see it so she can just write on it what she wants. She might prefer you give her a little extra money so she can pick up products for herself. Use your best judgment or ask her,” they said.

This person did add the disclaimer that “no matter how regular her cycles may be they still take us by surprise sometimes.” So it’s a good idea to have good laundry detergent on hand and that she also knows how to do her own laundry if she needed.

This person made it very clear to the dad to be mindful to not instill any shame around menstruation, and to have “a bit of grace if she's a bit snappy, or if she's more lethargic or spending longer in the bathroom. She won't want you to draw her attention to this.”

Other honorable mentions include getting period underwear like Thinx and Knix, rinsing and stained items in cold water before washing, asking a female she’s comfortable with to teach her about tampons, having a basic understanding of PMDD, endometriosis, PCOS etc., and to make sure the bathroom trash can has a lid, especially if the house has dogs.

But beyond helpful advice, this dad got a lot of positive encouragement.

“You are a really cool dad to be so calm and collected, and caring. You are a hero,” one person wrote.

“You are pure gold, coming from a single father of an eleven year old daughter. Thank you” wrote another.

This chapter might not be quite as simple to navigate as previous ones, but simply having the intention to be well informed is already putting this dad on the path towards success. Kudos to him, and all the other dads who strive to support their daughters every step of the way.

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Pets

Family brings home the wrong dog from daycare until their cats saved the day

A quick trip to the vet confirmed the cats' and family's suspicions.

Fox 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul|YouTube

Family accidentally brings wrong dog home but their cats knew

It's not a secret that nearly all golden retrievers are identical. Honestly, magic has to be involved for owners to know which one belongs to them when more than one golden retriever is around. Seriously, how do they all seem have the same face? It's like someone fell asleep on the copy machine when they were being created.

Outside of collars, harnesses and bandanas, immediately identifying the dog that belongs to you has to be a secret skill because at first glance, their personalities are also super similar. That's why it's not surprising when one family dropped off their sweet golden pooch at daycare and to be groomed, they didn't notice the daycare sent out the wrong dog.

See, not even their human parents can tell them apart because when the swapped dog got home, nothing seemed odd to the owners at first. She was freshly groomed so any small differences were quickly brushed off. But this accidental doppelgänger wasn't fooling her feline siblings.

Once the dog was in their house, they noticed that their cats started behaving strangely towards their canine sibling. The cats started attacking the dog, likely trying to get it to tell them what they did with their real dog sister. Cat slaps and a house full of strange people didn't dampen the imposter's spirit though, in fact, that's what helped reveal the switcharoo.

This dog kept handing out face kisses and had no interest in seeing her favorite neighbor. After putting all of those things together, the owners decided to hightail it to the vet's office to scan the dog's microchip. Alas, they indeed had the wrong dog.

"We just never even thought that that would happen, and of course we thought we would know right? Like we're her parents, we would know something was wrong, we would know right off the bat that it wasn't Emmy," Kebby Kelley told Fox 9 Minneapolis-St. Paul.

Seems both golden retrievers got to go on a really strange adventure that deserves a lifetime of delicious dog treats for the confusion.

See both sweet pups below:

This article originally appeared on 9.21.23

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Joy

Thai sanctuary shocked when dog abandoned for being 'ugly' adopted by Oasis' Liam Gallagher

The former Oasis singer fell head of heels for the dog.

via Niall Harbison/X

Liam Gallagher and his dog, Buttons.

Last year, a dog named Buttons was abandoned in the jungle of Thailand by her former owners because she was “not cute enough.”The Happy Doggo sanctuary, run by Niall Harbison, took in the scared dog and placed her up for adoption. Harbison and Happy Doggo feed over 800 dogs daily on Koh Samui, an island in Thailand.

Harbison received an adoption application from a Liam Gallagher in England, but he thought it must have been a joke. “The name on the form was Liam Gallagher, but I thought that’s obviously not him,” he wrote on X. “Then, the next line was occupation, and it was ‘singer.’ I thought my mates were taking the piss. But I checked it out a bit more and his details all stacked up.”

"I follow this geezer, this Irish lad, who rescues [dogs] and they've been all battered and beaten up and that. So we fell in love with Buttons,” Gallagher said on “The Jonathan Ross Show.”

Gallagher, the former lead singer of Oasis, is one of the biggest rock singers of the past 30 years and is known for being a rugged, outspoken character unafraid of courting controversy. But he also has a great sense of humor, making him a national treasure in the UK.

So, maybe it’s not surprising that he fell head over heels for a rescue dog from the other side of the world.

@.oasis3

This is so cute #foryoupage #knebworth1996 #liamgallagher #jonathanrossshow #dog #oasis

Three months after being taken in by the shelter, Buttons was shipped 6,000 miles to his new home in the UK. The “Live Forever” singer loves spending so much time with his new dog that it’s made him rethink his career plans. “I don’t want to go on tour no more,” he said in March. “I want to stay home now.”

But Gallagher went back on tour for the 30th anniversary of Oasis’s “Definitely Maybe” album, and at one show, he dedicated “Half the World Away” to the dog. The song surprised the audience because it was originally sung by his brother, Noel. “I want to dedicate this next song to me dog, Buttons, who we got from Thailand. It’s called ‘Half the World Away.’”



One of the central props on Gallagher’s Definitely Maybe Tour was a large blue globe that hovered over the center of the stage. After the show, Gallagher auctioned the globe, with the proceeds going to the Happy Doggo sanctuary in Thailand.

“The globe was auctioned and Co-op were kind enough to take it,” Harbison wrote on X. “It will be a feature in the new Co-op Live venue in Manchester, where visitors can see it before all events. The fact it is a globe and Buttons came from ‘half the world away’ is perfect.”

Co-op Live, an indoor arena in Manchester, Gallagher’s birthplace, donated £25,000 ($33,000) to purchase the globe, which will help Harbison expand his shelter “on the same piece of jungle where little Buttons used to sneak in,” he said.

The story is a beautiful example of dogs' effect on people, even those half the world away.

“Never underestimate the impact dogs can have on us all,” Harbison wrote on X. “Over a year ago little Buttons walked in hoping for a better life. She’s done that and then some. Not everything is bad in the world. Love always wins.”

Click here to donate to Happy Doggo.

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Pop Culture

‘I deserve to be hated’: Ronda Rousey finally apologizes for Sandy Hook conspiracy video

It took 11 years, but she has some harsh truths for people who spread conspiracies.

via Liam Enea/Wikimedia Commons and Wikimedia Commons

The Sandy Hook memorial and WWE star Ronda Rousey.

UFC Hall of Famer, former WWE star and actress Ronda Rousey had a Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) session on Tuesday, August 20, to promote the Kickstarter page for her first graphic novel. But things didn’t go as she planned.

The post was flooded with Redditors asking her about the 2012 mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, that left 26 people dead, including 20 young students. A month after the tragedy, Rousey posted a link to a YouTube conspiracy video about the shooting that she called “extremely interesting” and “must-watch.”

She deleted the post but didn’t exactly back down from the decision.



The top comments on the Reddit AMA were all about the shooting. “Over a decade ago, you tweeted, ‘I never meant to insult or hurt anyone, sorry if anyone was offended. It was not my intention in the least.’ after sharing a video that you called ‘must-watch’ and ‘interesting’ that had claimed the Sandy Hook School Massacre was part of a government conspiracy,” the top commenter wrote. “Considering 20 children were slaughtered and one was shot as many as 11 times, is it fair to say that you owe a much better public apology than the one you issued?”

Three days after the AMA and 11 years after posting the controversial video, Rousey posted a heartfelt apology on Twitter.

“I can't say how many times I've redrafted this apology over the last 11 years. How many times I've convinced myself it wasn't the right time or that I'd be causing even more damage by giving it. But eleven years ago I made the single most regrettable decision of my life,” she wrote.

“I drafted a thousandth apology to include in my last memoir, but my publisher begged me to take it out, saying it would overshadow everything else and do more harm than good. So I convinced myself that apologizing would just reopen the wound for no other reason than me selfishly trying to make myself feel better, that I would hurt those suffering even more and possibly lead more people down the black hole of conspiracy bullshit by it being brought up again just so I could try to shake the label of being a ‘Sandy Hook truther,’” she wrote.

Rousey sided with those who have criticized her and said she deserved to lose opportunities because of her actions. “But honestly I deserve to be hated, labeled,detested, resented and worse for it. I deserve to lose out on every opportunity, I should have been canceled, I would have deserved it. I still do,” she continued.

Rousey then addressed those who were personally affected by the shooting.

“I can't even begin to imagine the pain you've endured and words cannot describe how thoroughly remorseful and ashamed I am of myself for contributing to it. I've regretted it every day of my life since and will continue to do so until the day I die,” Rousey wrote.

She ended the apology by addressing those who continue to embrace conspiracy theories, warning them to avoid falling into the same trap that she did.

“And to anyone else that's fallen down the black hole of bulls**t. It doesn't make you edgy, or an independent thinker, you're not doing your due diligence entertaining every possibility by digesting these conspiracies,” Rousey wrote. “They will only make you feel powerless, afraid, miserable and isolated. You're doing nothing but hurting others and yourself. Regardless of how many bridges you've burned over it, stop digging yourself a deeper hole, don't get wrapped up in the sunk cost fallacy, no matter how long you've gone down the wrong road, you should still turn back.”



It’s impossible to know what’s inside another person’s heart. But Rousey’s apology did a commendable job of atoning for her mistakes and attempting to prevent others from doing the same.

Ultimately, it’s not up to the general public to decide whether Rousey’s apology was adequate to make up for her actions. It’s up to those who were personally affected by the tragedy, who had to endure countless attacks by conspiracy theorists such as Alex Jones. One can hope that the apology provided solace to those who’ve suffered an unimaginable loss and can help prevent others from inflicting the same pain.

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