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People who are 'good at flirting' are sharing the clues that tell if someone likes you

Here are 15 great tips.

Man smiling behind heart hands
via Pexels

Are they flirting with me or just being nice?

Most of the time it’s tough to know if someone is flirting with you because they have to be subtle. They can’t be too obvious because if the feeling isn’t mutual it can be pretty embarrassing. It’s also tough to detect if someone is flirting because most of the time it’s someone you don’t know very well. Do they like me or are they normally friendly?

It hurts to imagine the number of times we’ve all missed signals that someone was interested in us and a potentially wonderful romance never happened. However, studies show that it happens more often than not.

A study on heterosexuals published in Psychology Today found that women were only 18% accurate in recognizing men’s flirting, while 36% of men were accurate about women's flirting. However, we’re really good at knowing when people aren’t flirting with us.

In the same study, women were 83% accurate in seeing friendliness as just friendliness, and men performed about the same at 84% accuracy.

Jeffery Hall, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, says there are five main styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful.

Physical flirting involves “communicating sexual interest” to a potential partner. Traditional flirting is a tactic primarily used by introverts, where men tend to take the lead and women assume a passive role. Polite flirting involves the use of “proper manners” and is a cautious way of showing you like someone.

Sincere flirting involves telling the person you’re interested, and playful flirts like joking around but their efforts rarely turn into substantial relationships.

A Reddit user, who has since deleted their profile, asked a great question on the AskReddit subforum that should be a big help to those who have a hard time spotting flirtation. They asked, "People who are good at flirting, what are some social cues us oblivious people should watch out for?"

A large number of people who responded to the thread gave practical advice on the behaviors that are a giveaway that someone is flirting. The most popular responses are eye contact and laughing at your jokes, even if they aren’t funny.

Here are 15 of our favorite social cues that show someone is interested.

1. The dance of plausible deniability.

"Everyone is giving good advice, but flirting didn't click for me until i heard it described not as a set of behaviors to look out for, but as an escalation of suggestive behaviors couched in plausible deniability.

"Put practically, if someone is doing something to engage you that feels extra (lots of touching, looking at you in a way that feels a bit to long, or doing a lot of poking fun and complimenting you), then that might be flirting or it might not. That's the whole point. Plausible deniability. They can safely disengage at any time.

"If you want to know if someone's flirting, you need to test it. You do that by escalating things, but just a bit, so that now you have plausible deniability (touch them back in a comfortable way, maintain eye contact, or joke-compliment them back). If they escalate back and continue to do so as you escalate in turn, that is flirting. Eventually one of you will break cover and do something with clear intent (a kiss, an approach + ask for a number, or straight up telling them what you think of them and that you're interested). Otherwise, if you escalate and they don't change their behavior or they back off, then they were probably just being friendly and you should take the hint and do the same.

"Dunno if that's something obvious to people, but it was definitely not for me, and college parties would have been way less fun had i not known. Hopefully this can help someone else too :)" – three_furballs

2. Give 'em a chance to be alone.

"If you're in a group of friends (new or old), find a natural opportunity to hang back. Someone who's interested in you will notice and take the opportunity to talk to you in private. Now this isn't full [fool] proof but it'll at least give you the opportunity to feel for any chemistry between you." – Kagamid

3. Conversation should be two-sided.

"Be wary of a one-sided conversation. If your responses are met with mostly "yeps" and "uh huh" and nothing without meat, its probably not going well." – ViciousKnids

4. Ignoring their friend.

"If they look directly at you while talking to their friend it's a good sign." – yassis_bru

5. The reaction shot.

"I read once that if someone looks at you after someone (doesn't have to be you) said something funny and everyone is laughing, they like you. From personal experience, it's true." – luv_sicK

6. Lots of eye contact.

"They make a lot of eye contact. They are interested in what you have to say and ask you lots of questions. They laugh at your jokes, even the lame ones. They initiate physical contact. They try to find space where you can talk more privately (this does not always mean sex but it often means they wish for more quality time with you)." – TheSurfingRaichu

7. Trust then test.

"In my experience, almost everyone can get a sense that someone is into them, but most people second guess themselves until they convince themselves it's nothing. I say trust that sense. It's based off all of these factors that we pick up consciously and subconsciously, and almost always it's not a coincidence.

"When you think someone likes you, you can test that theory in a few ways. A subtle but effective example is inviting them to something you know they can't or don't want to attend. If they express interest in rescheduling or finding some other way to spend time with you, they like you. Otherwise they'll just say no, sorry I can't make it ... Of course, you could also just ask. In my experience anyone worth getting intimate with is mature enough to deal with that question." – MildlyWyld

8. Mirroring.

"Does their body turn toward you or away from you when you talk? Do they mirror your body language?" – Perfect_Draw516

9. They touch you.

"Physical contact. Granted, not everyone flirts the same way but a good sign is if they touch your arm (or the like) or you find them smiling the whole time that you’re talking to them." – Cosmic_Marman

10. Special eye contact.

"When you're in a public space, the direct eye contact (for a beat or two too long) and the look away. One of my go-to moves that always yielded results." – LuLu42

11. Bad jokes.

"Seriously tell a bad joke - look for laughter and smiles that should not be there but are. Then it’s you they are into, definitely not what you said." – YukonBrawler

12. Facial gestures.

"According to Sherlock: licking lips, eyes cast down towards the other persons lips, quirky smile of the lips, dilated eyes. And if the person has long hair, tucking it behind their ear or other fidgety behavior." – fandomfangirl1

13. Mimicking body language.

"In the case of someone who likes you, while interacting, watch for repetitious patterns and mimic their body language. Eventually, if you cross your arms and the person whose attention you are seeking does the same, for example, you can rely on that being a good sign." – flungkle

14. Little adjustment.

"I've noticed that women will do a little adjustment to you, like brushing off a little piece of lint off your lapel or moving a stray hair off your face while talking to you. At least they did back in my rogue days." – robfrankel1

15. Take your shot.

"If you're at a bar and a woman makes eye contact for more than a second without looking away, shoot your shot." – sle7in360

There you have it! If you're picking up any of these signs, it might mean you can go ahead and shoot your shot (respectfully!). Good luck out there!

This article originally appeared three years ago.

@cosmo_andtheoddparents/TikTok

He wuvs his vet.

Not every dog might jump with joy after seeing their vet out in public. But for Cosmo the Golden Retriever, it was practically Christmas all over again when he spotted his own vet, Dr. Jones, at a brewery.

In an adorable clip posted to TikTok, we see Cosmo in pure, unadulterated bliss as he snuggles with an equally happy Dr. Jones, who, considering he’s still in his scrubs, might have just gotten out of work to grab a quick pint.

Watch:

Ugh, the cuteness is too much to handle! People in the comments could barely contain their secondhand joy.

“He looked over like, “Mom, do you see who this is?” one person wrote, while another said, “What in the Hallmark movie? Adorable!!”

One person even joked, “Did we all check the vet’s hand for a wedding ring? (Said as a married woman. Looking out for you all, or something.)”

According to Hannah Dweikat, Cosmo’s owner, the two actually share quite a history. She tells Upworthy that when Cosmo was but a wee pup, he “gave a scare” after eating a Sago Palm seed, which are highly toxic to dogs, from a plant in their backyard, which of course resulted in him being rushed to the animal hospital and staying there over the weekend.

While that’s every pet owner’s worst nightmare, and certainly a scary situation for the poor fur baby, Dweikat says that “the calm and patient demeanor” of Dr. Jones and his staff put Cosmo at ease. And because of this, “Cosmo has always loved going to see his friends—especially because they give him lots of treats and snuggles.”

Cosmo and Dr. Jones’ buddyship has also blossomed thanks to proximity, as Dweikat only lives down the street from the clinic. “Which means we get to see Dr. Jones and his staff out in public at times and Cosmo takes every chance he can get to say hi,” she explains. This time, however, she was able to capture it all on video. Yay for us!

What makes a good vet?

While not every vet, however gifted, will be able to elicit this type of reaction from their patients, having a calming presence like Dr. Jones is certainly a good sign for pet owners to be on the lookout for when shopping around for their own vet. But that’s not the only quality a good vet needs. According to Saint Matthews University, a vet also needs to have high stamina (both physically and mentally), as well as an ability to tolerate unpleasant situations (you can’t faint at the sight of blood or vomit), a high level of emotional intelligence (maybe all doctors should possess this skill, but especially those who work with animals), adaptability, a sense of enthusiasm, and finally, excellent communication skills.

Dr. Jones seems to have these attributes in spades, and his patients clearly love him for it. None so much as Cosmo, obviously.

By the way, if you’re in need of even more content featuring this precious pup, you can follow Cosmo on both TikTok and Instagram.

My Gen Zer's reaction to the McCain/Obama debate was shocking

Gen Z is a very politically aware generation, though many of them are still in high school they keep up with the political landscape of the world. There are many Gen Z political and social movements as well as official organizations fully run by these young people. Given how politically active Gen Z is, sometimes it's easy to forget they weren't old enough to be politically conscious when Barack Obama was running for president. It wasn't that long ago but some people, it's already history.

Their exposure to politics came to be in some pretty harsh and polarizing times where they were often at the center of the discussion. For many of the older Gen Zers, they felt thrusted into the political sphere to fight for gun reform whether they were ready or not.

Because politics has never been off limits, and I encourage them to research policies to form their own opinions, I hadn't realized there was something missing. Just like nearly every geriatric Millennial I waste a good amount of time scrolling through TikTok while doing mundane chores. But this time my 16-year-old was watching over my shoulder. I was stopped on a video clip of John McCain and Barack Obama's presidential debate in 2008, which happens the be the year my 16-year-old was born.

After a brief comment about how young former President Obama looked in the clip, my child asked, " who is that guy," pointing to McCain, "and why were they so nice to each other?" Admittedly I was baffled by the question and sought clarification to which they explained, "If the old guy is a Republican and Obama's a Democrat then why are they just talking like normal people? If politicians could talk like that we would probably get a lot more stuff done."

We both left the video shocked for very different reasons. It was then that I realized my kid's only conscious exposure to American politics was post-2016. It was hard for them to comprehend that politicians being cordial and respectful toward each other was normal prior to the end of Obama's second term. Of course there were cheap shots taken here or there but they didn't consistently devolve into the shouting matches Gen Z has become accustomed to witnessing by our elected officials.

Joe Biden GIF by PBS NewsHourGiphy

My child couldn't quite understand how American politicians went from being able to have respectful conversations while disagreeing to shouting slurs on the House floor. They were equally as taken aback by the content of the conversations the two men were having noting that they were actually talking about political differences on how to help people and they both seemed to "actually care." In the short three-minute video both men were calm, respectful and didn't attempt to shout over one another. They followed the rules of the debate while still countering each other's stance on issues that impact the daily life of Americans.

McCain and Obama's mutual respect wasn't something that was just for the cameras. While they disagreed on a lot of things politically, they both understood that they had different approaches to doing the same job: caring for Americans. The political opponents weren't waiting for an opportunity to make the other look bad publicly, they saw each other has human first and politician second which is why it wasn't surprising that Obama delivered McCain's eulogy after he lost his battle with cancer.

As an adult that has been voting since George W. Bush ran for president, I was familiar with the normalcy of healthy cordial debates, my kid on the other hand was convinced that this debate was an anomaly. That's when we watched another video of McCain defending Obama at a town hall to solidify how normal it was. Their disbelief of political decorum and their categorization of "red bad, blue good" based on videos coming from our political leaders was a glaring condemnation of what American politics has morphed into.

People pick a political party like they're picking a sports team and have become accustomed to seeing them speak to each other in a way that wouldn't fly in any middle school in the country. This political devolvement has trickled down onto the American people and the younger generation is consuming this via social media as "normal." If this is our normal now then how far will we devolve before the pendulum swings back in the other direction? Is it too late to require better behavior from our politicians so we can course correct before the youngest Gen Zers are of voting age?

Though my child and I had very different reasons for our mutual shock after watching that video, I certainly agree with them. If politicians spent more time speaking to each other with respect and actually taking time to listen to the points made by their counterpart, we would have a much better outcome. Politicians are meant to compromise to find the best solution for all Americans, not just the loudest but that can't be done without listening to understand and treating your colleagues with respect.

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The longer I'm alive, it seems the more people's names that I have to remember. With two kids in school, sports, and other activities, I find myself trying to keep track of dozens of different friends, teammates, siblings, coaches, teachers, and of course, parents. It makes my brain hurt! Lately I've had half a mind to start a spreadsheet so I can start remembering Who's Who.

In order for that to work, I've got to find a way to stop people's names leaving my head immediately after I'm introduced. I know I'm not the only one who does this. It's like people say their name and it just zips right into one ear and out the other! And for that, I went looking for tips when I stumbled upon a good one from a unique sort of expert.

Derren Brown is one of the most famous mentalists in the world, so he knows a thing or two about people. Mentalists are a special breed of magician that focus on tricks and illusions of the mind.

They do things like hynopsis, mind-reading, and impossible predictions. There's trickery, involved, of course; but mentalists are also masters at reading people and have to employ advanced memory techniques to keep track of information they learn during their shows.

In an interview with Big Think, Brown revealed some of his favorite memory hacks; including his 'party trick' to never forget a person's name.

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The secret is to create a link between the part of your brain that stores information like names, and the visual part of your brain that is more easily accessed.

"You find a link between the person's name and something about their appearance, what they're wearing, their face, their hair, something," Brown says. "You find a link with something that they're wearing so if they're called Mike and they've got big black hair you think, 'Oh that's like a microphone' so I can imagine like a big microphone walking around or if they've got a stripy T-shirt on you imagine a microphone with those stripes going around it.

"And it's the same process later on in the evening you see them, you look at the stripes and you go, 'Oh that's Mike. Oh yeah that's Mike. The hair, why am I thinking the hair is like a big microphone? Oh yes, of course, they're called Mike.'"

Microphone Mike! Any sort of alliteration based on a physical characteristic will work. Stripey Steve, Tall Tim, Green Gene. The more interesting and unique, the better you'll remember.

There is one catch with the technique: You have to actually listen and pay attention when someone tells you their name!

"So, you do have to listen that's the first thing when they say the name," Brown says. "Normally the very moment where someone is giving you their name you're just caught up in a whole lot of social anxiety anyways you don't even hear it, so you have to listen."

Using someone's name when you talk to them has tons of benefits. It conveys respect, friendliness, and intimacy. When you're on the receiving end and someone you've just met uses your name, it just feels good! It feels like it matters to them that they met you.

"And then at the end [of the party] you get to go around and say goodbye to everybody by name and everyone thinks you're very charming and clever," Brown quips.

Listen to the entire, fascinating interview here.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Brown's name-remembering technique is tangential to an ancient philosophy called the "Method of loci".

The method involves attaching things to be remembered (numbers, tasks, facts) to specific places that are easy to visualize in your head. Imagine taking a brain-walk down the street you live on and all the objects or places you might see there. The mailbox, the gnarled tree, the rusty fire hydrant. This memory method asks you to visually associate one thing you want to remember with each item or location. The more strange and visual the image you can create, the better! Brown uses the example of trying to shove a sparkling-clean shirt into his mailbox, reminding him to do his drycleaning.

When you need to recall the item, you just take a little walk in your head down the street.

(Did you know that there's a World Championship of Memory? Most of the best competitors use a version of this technique.)

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The name hack isn't so dissimilar. You're attaching an intangible, abstract thing (a name) to a specific visual image you can see in your head and even in the real world. But that's just one way of getting better at remembering names! There are all kinds of tips, hacks, and methods you can try.

Some people swear by repeating the name immediately after hearing it. "Hi, my name is Jake." "Hi, Jake, nice to meet you!" (Just don't say someone's name too frequently or you risk coming off a bit slimy.)

Others use a technique similar to Brown's loci idea, but instead of a visual, you lean on things that are already deeply engrained in your memory, like rhymes or free-association. or even celebrities. Mary - had a little lamb. Jake - the Snake. Daisy - flowers. Tom - Cruise.

Another trick (that I've definitely used before) if you do forget someone's name? Introduce them to someone you know! "Hey, this is my wife, Sarah." The person was almost always introduce themselves using their own name, and then you get a second chance at remembering it.

A lot of the best advice really comes down to being intentional about remembering when you're introduced to a new person. Whatever mental gymnastics you choose to do with the name, the mere fact that you're thinking about it with such focus immediately after is a big part of why these 'tricks' help names stick.

It feels really good when someone cares enough to remember your name, so it's definitely worth putting in a little effort of trying to instill that feeling in others.

"Grease" is not a love story for the ages, despite the fun music and dancing.

Every generation has its highs and lows, strengths and weaknesses, points of pride of and things to lament in hindsight. Nostalgia can cause us to see our own pasts through rose-colored glasses, making it hard to be objective, so sometimes it takes someone from outside of our own generational bubble to discern which things are worth cherishing and keeping.

Enter Gen Z watching Gen X coming-of-age films. We all know by now that many movies have not aged well, as those of us who have assumed a PG movie from the 80s would be fine to show our children can attest. But many movies that have been held up as favorites for decades have not only not aged well, but have revealed themselves to have always had objectively terrible messages from the get go.

A mom on Threads shared her experience trying to show her favorite movies from the 70s and 80s with her teenagers and how their reactions were not what she expected. "Turns out what we saw as empowering entertainment was actually teaching Gen X girls some seriously toxic lessons," she wrote. Then she gave specific examples.

She introduced them to Grease from 1978, which she saw as "A classic love story with great songs!" But her teens saw it differently. "So she completely changes her personality, starts smoking, and squeezes into leather pants... for a guy who spent all summer lying about her?"

Ouch. Yeah, that is actually what happened, isn't it? But the music is so good! And we love Rizzo! And Olivia Newton-John is iconic! Is it really that bad?

Yes, yes it is.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

How about Fame, the 1980s hit about the kids at a competitive arts high school pursuing their dreams of becoming dancers, singers, and actors?

"So normalizing eating disorders and teacher abuse is…inspirational?" Hmm.

1983's Flashdance wasn't seen as a story about "a strong, independent woman," but rather about an 18-year-old "working as a welder AND an exotic dancer while prepping for ballet school and dating a guy who could be her father." Working two jobs? Fine. Exotic dancer at 18 and dating a 36-year-old? Debatable.

And, oh boy, Sixteen Candles. We all probably cringe at the Long Duk Dong caricature of an Asian student at this point, but that's just scratching the surface of the issues with this film. The "scene about sexual assault played for laughs" may not be what most of us remember about that movie, but it's very much in there.

Even worse, it's the movie's heartthrob love interest, the guy Molly Ringwald is gaga over and who she ends up with in the end, who says of his extremely drunk girlfriend, "I could violate her 10 different ways if I wanted to. I’m just not interested anymore," and then passes her off to another guy, saying “She’s so blitzed she won’t know the difference,” and telling him to "have fun."

Ew. This was the 80s, long before the Me Too movement and copious conversations about consent, but that still was gross even for back then.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

But there are more. The woman's kids pointed out that Risky Business was essentially a movie "about a high school kid literally pimping out a bunch of women to his high school friends to get into... Princeton???" Again, not even a great premise at the time.

My husband and I recently tried rewatching Weird Science to see if it held up. We ended up turning it off partway through because yeesh.

People shared other movies from that era that probably should have received a little more scrutiny than they got when they came out. There are Revenge of the Nerds and Saturday Night Fever with the sexual assault scenes. There are Dirty Dancing and Pretty Woman with very questionable relationships positioned as protagonist romances. Even The Breakfast Club has some elements that were pushed as sweet but were super problematic.

Molly Ringwald herself, John Hughes' favorite teen leading lady in the 80s, has rethought some of the characters and storylines in some of those famous "brat pack" films.

"As I can see now, Bender sexually harasses Claire throughout the film,” Ringwald wrote of Judd Nelson's and her Breakfast Club characters in The New Yorker. “When he’s not sexualizing her, he takes out his rage on her with vicious contempt, calling her ‘pathetic,’ mocking her as ‘Queenie.’ It’s rejection that inspires his vitriol . . . He never apologizes for any of it, but, nevertheless, he gets the girl in the end.”

Sure, those movies all had some fun laughs and made Gen Xers feel seen in the chaotic period of our benignly neglected youth, but we also have to admit that we may have internalized some unhealthy messages from them. It's not that there were scenes of sexual harassment or assault or blatant sexism or racism in those films. It's that they were trivialized as part of the comedy. There's a big difference between Biff, the villain, trying to rape Marty's mom in the backseat of his car in Back to the Future and the main love interest who's painted as the ideal man in Sixteen Candles handing off his girlfriend to be sexually assaulted because she's too drunk to consent. The former was meant to be a problem. The latter was supposed to be funny, which is super problematic regardless of the era.

The good news is Gen Z are by and large watching these movies with their parents and having these conversations about them, which is super healthy. That's a move in the right direction and actually gives us room to still enjoy these films while acknowledging their toxic elements. Generations are supposed to learn from those who went before them, but we can also learn from those who come after us, even if it means seeing some of our favorite things in a new light.

Health

Philosopher shares the subtle giveaway that someone is 'not very smart'

When you see this trait, it's time to rethink your relationship.

A man pointing at someone.

Individuals and groups have used scapegoating to blame their problems on others since the term was first coined in The Old Testament and probably long before. We see it all the time in politics, where leaders blame specific groups or ideologies for their country’s failures. We also see it in personal relationships where families blame one person for everyone’s problems or workplaces make an employee the fall guy for a failed project.

In a viral TikTok video, philosopher Julian de Medeiros explains why scapegoating is a sign that someone is unintelligent. He begins by quoting one of the most powerful British union leaders in the first half of the 20th century, Ernest Bevin, who once said: “An unintelligent person is always looking for a scapegoat.”

What's a sign that someone is unintelligent?

“What he meant is that a sign that somebody is not very intelligent is that they always have to blame their problems on other people. Like, it's never something they've done; it's always somebody else's fault,” de Medeiros says in a video with over 230,000 views. “They can avoid accountability; they can avoid introspection and self-reflection, which means that they can avoid growth because it's always somebody else's fault. A smart person is introspective, self-critical, and wants to grow, but an unintelligent person blames other people.”

@julianphilosophy

Intelligent vs. unintelligent #quotes #life #intelligent #wisdom


It can be hard to come to grips with our failures in life, whether they are financial problems, relationship issues or fear of losing control. “There are things that we cannot bear to see about ourselves. ‘I really don’t want to be seen as vulnerable or stupid or weak or greedy,’” Deborah Stewart, a Jungian psychoanalyst, told The Washington Post. “I don’t have to deal with myself if I scapegoat if I blame. That’s the part that most people don’t really know — that they are trying to expel some of their very own feelings by putting them on others.”

People and groups that are made into scapegoats can be put into incredible danger or subject to public disgrace, whether it is the Jewish people during the Holocaust or Anne Boleyn during the reign of King Henry VIII, or Yoko Ono for the breakup of The Beatles.

The big problem with scapegoating.

Those who scapegoat others for their failures can be seen as unintelligent because they refuse to take responsibility for their actions or even recognize where they may have been wrong. When people point their fingers at others, they also ensure that they never learn from their problems and are bound to repeat them. Intelligent people have a growth mindset, and scapegoating is the exact opposite.

Further, when societies refuse to look at the real causes of their problems and instead blame them on scapegoats, they will fail to progress. However, it’s very easy for leaders to fall into the scapegoat trap because it prevents them from being responsible and appears to solve problems when they are actually taking the easy way out.

Ultimately, it comes down to a core question: do you want to deflect blame for your problems by scapegoating someone else, or do you want to accept responsibility and grow from your difficulties? Ironically, those who scapegoat may think it makes their lives easier. However, living a life making the same mistakes repeatedly is a lot harder than accepting responsibility.