upworthy
Health

How parents who are overly critical of others unknowingly crush their children's self-esteem

A mindfulness influencer has a great point about how kids internalize their parents' attitudes.

self-esteem, children, emotionally-immature parents
via BigSisCasey/Instagram (Used with permission)

Casey Smith explains her emotionally immature parents on Instagram.

Have you ever had a friend who loves to gossip and criticize other friends in your group? Did that make you think, “Gee, when I’m not around, I bet they say bad things about me, too?” Well, if that was your takeaway, you’re probably right. Unfortunately, children often make the same connection when they have overly-critical parents, and it can cause them myriad psychological problems.

One such child of highly critical parents, Casey Smith, who goes by the name @BigSisCasey on TikTok and Instagram, recently shared why it took years to connect between her parents’ negativity and her fear of rejection. Casey Smith is a wellness influencer on TikTok and host of the "It's Not Normal" podcast.

“My parents would constantly comment on and criticize others, whether it was the way that someone dressed, the shape of their nose, the way they sounded when they sang a song, or their hairline,” Smith recalls. “But it didn't stop there. I distinctly remember my parents throughout my childhood and my teenage years commenting on the part in my hair. They didn't like how skinny I was. Calling me flat as a board, mocking the way that I pronounce different words if they differed from the way my parent pronounce those words, and criticizing my taste in music and shows.”



Smith says that her parents' immature judgment of others made her feel like they were also silently judging her, too. “I think it causes us to internalize a lot of this criticism and to interpret our parents' attitude as a reflection of how they secretly or not so secretly maybe view us,” Smith revealed. She was also rewarded her for joining them in judging others.

“I remember when I was a kid sort of sharing in my parents' criticism and becoming critical of others myself because the more I was like my parents, the more my parents seem to like me,” she continued. Smith goes on to say that being around her hypercritical parents led to a fear of rejection and people-pleasing behaviors.

Upworthy spoke with Smith about her parents, and she ventured to guess why they were so emotionally immature. "If I had to venture a guess, it’s likely that my parents’ insecurities stem from their own unresolved trauma and their resulting need for control," Smith told Upworthy. "It’s common, I’ve learned, for adults who felt powerless throughout childhood to go to great lengths to achieve and maintain a position of power and authority in adulthood. As I got older, I became more independent, my independence, I think, was perceived as a threat to them. Their emotional limitations are a result of their unwillingness to develop the skills necessary for healthy communication, unconditional love, and mutual respect between a parent and their adult child. These limitations lead to fear—fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and often lead to more toxic behavior."



Smith realized her parents' behavior was unhealthy at 21 after meeting her husband. "I felt as though I couldn’t do anything, completely suffocated, and it was then that I realized how unhealthy it all was, that I had been enduring emotional abuse for quite some time," she told Upworthy. "From that point on, I slowly started gaining perspective and began the process of unlearning all of the toxic traits I was taught throughout my childhood."

The post resonated with many of Smith's followers who were also raised by hypercritical parents. “I always thought everyone was judging me because my mom was always making negative comments about people,” one commenter noted. “My dad would comment on every little detail of a stranger. Like, things I legitimately didn't even notice until he pointed it out. So naturally, now I think everyone is judging my every flaw,” another added.

“It's like preemptive self-defense. If you think people are judging you for something, judging them even before they voice it feels like you have control, but you'll never feel good about yourself,” a commenter wrote.

critical parents, judgmental, beratingAn angry woman judging people.via Canva/Photos

Anyone who has hypercritical parents should seek professional help to overcome the psychological damage and develop a healthier sense of self. Barbara Greenberg, PhD., suggests that the journey begins with self-acceptance. “Begin to learn to appreciate yourself. Make a list of your strengths and positive qualities. Also, give yourself permission to make mistakes. This is part of the human experience. We all need to forgive ourselves for our mistakes and get back into the game of life. Disappointment is okay, but tearing yourself down is not,” she writes in Psychology Today.

It’s unfortunate that Smith had to deal with hypercritical parents and spent many years feeling inadequate because of it. But over half a million people have seen her video, so hopefully, it will inspire some people to realize the pain that immature parents can cause, and they can work to break the cycle.

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Conservation

A juice company dumped orange peels in a national park. This is what it looks like today.

12,000 tons of food waste and 28 years later, this forest looks totally different.

Image via Dan Jansen

A before and after view of the experiment

In 1997, ecologists Daniel Janzen and Winnie Hallwachs approached an orange juice company in Costa Rica with an off-the-wall idea. In exchange for donating a portion of unspoiled, forested land to the Área de Conservación Guanacaste — a nature preserve in the country's northwest — the park would allow the company to dump its discarded orange peels and pulp, free of charge, in a heavily grazed, largely deforested area nearby.

One year later, one thousand trucks poured into the national park, offloading over 12,000 metric tons of sticky, mealy, orange compost onto the worn-out plot. The site was left untouched and largely unexamined for over a decade. A sign was placed to ensure future researchers could locate and study it.

16 years later, Janzen dispatched graduate student Timothy Treuer to look for the site where the food waste was dumped.

Treuer initially set out to locate the large placard that marked the plot — and failed.


natural wonders, nature, recycling, conservation, environment, oranges, orange peels, dumpsThe first deposit of orange peels in 1996.Photo by Dan Janzen.


"It's a huge sign, bright yellow lettering. We should have been able to see it," Treuer says. After wandering around for half an hour with no luck, he consulted Janzen, who gave him more detailed instructions on how to find the plot.

When he returned a week later and confirmed he was in the right place, Treuer was floored. Compared to the adjacent barren former pastureland, the site of the food waste deposit was "like night and day."


Environment, natural wonder, natural miracles, nature, oranges, planet, conservation The site of the orange peel deposit (L) and adjacent pastureland (R).Photo by Leland Werden.


"It was just hard to believe that the only difference between the two areas was a bunch of orange peels. They look like completely different ecosystems," he explains.

The area was so thick with vegetation he still could not find the sign.

Treuer and a team of researchers from Princeton University studied the site over the course of the following three years.

The results, published in the journal "Restoration Ecology," highlight just how completely the discarded fruit parts assisted the area's turnaround.

According to the Princeton School of International Public Affairs, the experiment resulted in a "176 percent increase in aboveground biomass — or the wood in the trees — within the 3-hectare area (7 acres) studied."

The ecologists measured various qualities of the site against an area of former pastureland immediately across the access road used to dump the orange peels two decades prior. Compared to the adjacent plot, which was dominated by a single species of tree, the site of the orange peel deposit featured two dozen species of vegetation, most thriving.


natural wonder, nature, environment, conservation, oranges, orange peelsLab technician Erik Schilling explores the newly overgrown orange peel plot.Photo by Tim Treuer.


In addition to greater biodiversity, richer soil, and a better-developed canopy, researchers discovered a tayra (a dog-sized weasel) and a giant fig tree three feet in diameter, on the plot.

"You could have had 20 people climbing in that tree at once and it would have supported the weight no problem," says Jon Choi, co-author of the paper, who conducted much of the soil analysis. "That thing was massive."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Recent evidence suggests that secondary tropical forests — those that grow after the original inhabitants are torn down — are essential to helping slow climate change.

In a 2016 study published in Nature, researchers found that such forests absorb and store atmospheric carbon at roughly 11 times the rate of old-growth forests.

Treuer believes better management of discarded produce — like orange peels — could be key to helping these forests regrow.

In many parts of the world, rates of deforestation are increasing dramatically, sapping local soil of much-needed nutrients and, with them, the ability of ecosystems to restore themselves.

Meanwhile, much of the world is awash in nutrient-rich food waste. In the United States, up to half of all produce in the United States is discarded. Most currently ends up in landfills.


natural wonder, nature, conservation, environment, planet, oranges, orange peelsThe site after a deposit of orange peels in 1998.Photo by Dan Janzen.


"We don't want companies to go out there will-nilly just dumping their waste all over the place, but if it's scientifically driven and restorationists are involved in addition to companies, this is something I think has really high potential," Treuer says.

The next step, he believes, is to examine whether other ecosystems — dry forests, cloud forests, tropical savannas — react the same way to similar deposits.

Two years after his initial survey, Treuer returned to once again try to locate the sign marking the site.

Since his first scouting mission in 2013, Treuer had visited the plot more than 15 times. Choi had visited more than 50. Neither had spotted the original sign.

In 2015, when Treuer, with the help of the paper's senior author, David Wilcove, and Princeton Professor Rob Pringle, finally found it under a thicket of vines, the scope of the area's transformation became truly clear.



natural wonder, nature, environment, environmental miracle, planet, oranges, orange peelsThe sign after clearing away the vines.Photo by Tim Treuer.


"It's a big honking sign," Choi emphasizes.

19 years of waiting with crossed fingers had buried it, thanks to two scientists, a flash of inspiration, and the rind of an unassuming fruit.

This article originally appeared eight years ago.

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Education & Information

Historian uses the Lord's Prayer to demonstrate how different medieval English sounded

"Sounds like a French Scotsman trying to be an Irish priest."

Photo credit: Canva

English in the medieval period only vaguely resembled the sound of modern English.

English is one of the most widely spoken languages on Earth, but that was not always the case. English didn't really start spreading beyond England until the British Empire began exploring and colonizing the globe in the 17th century. In the centuries before that, the English language barely resembled what we hear and speak today.

Through the medieval period (approximately 500 to 1500 A.D.), the way English pronunciation worked was very different than modern phonics. Old English, which was spoken from around 500 to around 1100, bears very little resemblance to modern English and is pretty much undecipherable to today's ears. After the Norman conquest of 1066, the Middle English period began and would span approximately 400 years. In Middle English, certain words being the same ones we use today, but with many phonetic differences that require knowing how letters were pronounced.

Medievalist professor Dr. Dorsey Armstrong shared with Wired what some of those pronunciation differences were and gave a demonstration of what medieval English sounded like by reciting portions of the Lord's Prayer from the bible, which begins, "Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." The variation she speaks is from around the 14th century, she said.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

First, she said, all vowels would be pronounced like they would be in French, the basics of which are:

a = ah as in "father"

e = eh as in "bed" or "egg"

i = ee as in "see"

o = oh as in "go"

u = oo as in "moon"

You also pronounce almost every letter, so "knight" would sound very different (almost like "kuh-nee-gh-t").

"Fra-jee-lay…"Giphy

Listening to her recite something familiar with many English speakers makes it clear that Middle English has some totally understandable words and some that sound like a mishmosh of various English accents and dialects with a couple of other European languages thrown in for funsies.

"Sounds like an Englishman trying to order a pint of Guinness in Dublin," wrote one commenter.

"Sounds like someone trying to talk to a highlander," wrote another.

"Sounds like a French Scotsman trying to be an Irish priest," added another.

People also noted that the pronunciation actually made more sense back then if you were to read each letter phonetically. None of this silent letter nonsense modern English is filled with.

phonics, English language, letter pronunciationKids learn phonics much differently in modern times compared to medieval times.Photo credit: Canva

"Sounds like somebody who recently learned english but doesn't know about pronunciation rules."

"So 'silent' letters weren’t always silent. That makes so much sense."

"As a non-native English speaker, finally a dialect that makes sense!"

"I do appreciate that one time in the past, all the crazy English spellings were in fact completely logical as you pronounced every letter written."

If the Middle English that Dr. Dorsey Armstrong spoke sounded familiar-but-not-quite, this Old English recitation of Beowulf from medievalist professor Arthur Bahr will demonstrate how drastically English has changed over the centuries. In his Middle English recitation, there's a smattering of recognizable words, especially when you know how Middle English letters are pronounced. But in Old English, almost no words are discernable. It sounds like a completely different language.

- YouTubeyoutu.be

So how did we get from there to here? One big influence that came after the medieval period was, perhaps unsurprisingly, William Shakespeare. The Bard had a significant impact on modern English, adding and popularizing many words and idioms we still use today. The widespread popularity of his work also helped to standardize parts of the English language.

It would still take a while for spelling to become standardized in both England and the American colonies, of course. And despite modern agreement on most spellings, the diversity English accents and dialects that now exist across the British Isles and American continent is a clear testament to the ever-evolving nature of language. Won't it be fascinating to see how or if English changes much more in the next 1,000 or so years?

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Wellness

12 unforgettable side-by-side photos of people over 100-years-old with their younger selves

A truly beautiful reminder of how delightful aging can be.

via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Jan Langer's incredible photos are timeless.

Czech photographer Jan Langer's portrait series "Faces of Century" shows them in a different light: as human beings aged by years of experience, but at their deepest level, unchanged by the passing of time. In the series, Langer juxtaposes his portraits with another portrait of the subject from decades earlier. He recreates the original pose and lighting as closely as he can — he wants us to see them not just as they are now, but how they have and haven't changed over time. That is the key to the series.

These are the rare faces of people who have lived through two world wars, a cavalcade of regimes, and the rush of advancements in modern life. These photos, and the stories of the lives lived by the people in them, show not only the beauty of aging, but how even as we age, we still remain essentially ourselves.


All photos by Jan Langer.


1. Prokop Vejdělek, at age 22 and 101


aging, photos, older people with their younger selves, aging process, 100 years oldProkop Vejdělek, at age 22 and 101via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Vejdělek is a former metallurgical engineer who will never forget the taste of warm fresh goat's milk.


2. Bedřiška Köhlerová, at age 26 and 103



via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Originally born in Merano, Italy, Köhlerová wishes to visit Italy one more time.


3. Ludvík Chybík, at age 20 and 102


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Chybík is a former postal carrier and says he will never forget the route he worked every day.


4. Vincenc Jetelina, at age 30 and 105


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Jetelina spent eight years in prison after World War II. Now, he just wants to live the rest of his life in peace.


5. Antonín Kovář, at age 25 and 102


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Kovář is a former musician whose daughter comes to visit him every day. He wishes to play the clarinet once more.


6. Anna Vašinová, at age 22 and 102


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Vašinová will always remember the day her husband was taken away by the Nazis. She wishes to be reunited with him after death.

7. Stanislav Spáčil, at age 17 and 102


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Spáčil was an electrical engineer throughout his life and thinks that it's too early in his life to think about the past.


8. Anna Pochobradská, at age 30 and 100

via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Pochobradská was a farmer. She now lives a quiet life and is thankful that her daughter visits her every weekend.


9. Antonín Baldrman, at age 17 and 101


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Baldrman was a clerk early in life and keeps up with current events by reading the newspaper.


10. Marie Burešová, at age 23 and 101


via Jan Langer/Aktualne

Burešová loves talking to her family and wishes to have them all together again.


11. Vlasta Čížková, at age 23 and 101


aging, photos, older people with their younger selves, aging process, 100 years oldvia Jan Langer/Aktualne

Čížková cooked in the dining room at the airport in the small village of Vodochody. She'll never forget reciting her own poetry at wedding ceremonies.


12. Ludmila Vysloužilová, at age 23 and 101


aging, photos, older people with their younger selves, aging process, 100 years oldvia Jan Langer/Aktualne

Vysloužilová stays active every day by chopping wood, shoveling snow, and doing work around her house.


The photographer Langer was initially inspired to document the lives of elderly people because of what he saw as the media's lack of coverage of them. He decided to focus on people over the age of 100 — a very rare demographic indeed. The 2020 U.S. Census recorded 80,139 people aged 100 or older, a 50.2% increase from the 53,364 centenarians counted in 2010. As our aging population continues to increase, and technology evolves along with it, it's likely these incredibly photo essays will become far more common. But for now, they are an incredible reminder of how precious and valuable life is, sometimes especially when we reach our golden years.

“One should live every single moment according to their best knowledge and conscience because one day we will see clearly what has a real value," Langer says of what he learned from his subjects while photographing them.

The series was originally part of a story that Langer did for the Czech news outlet aktuálně.cz. You can see more photos from the portrait sessions by following the link.

This article originally appeared seven years ago.

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Modern Families

Millennial mom gets real about 'absent boomers' who won't make time for their grandkids

They always seem to have time for vacations. Grandkids? Not so much.

via Canva/Photos

A stressed millennial mom and her parents.

The baby boomer generation is often called the "Me Generation" because after the social upheaval of the ‘60s, they began to focus on themselves, prioritizing wealth accumulation, personal growth, self-help programs, and fitness. Now that baby boomers are grandparents, some millennials aren’t too happy that the Me Generation has taken that ethos into their golden years.

Although it’s important not to paint every generation member with the same brush, many older millennial parents feel that their baby boomer parents, known for being the least involved in recent history, are acting the same way as grandparents. Mother Phyllis, a popular TikToker with much to say about boomer grandparents, recently shared a video about how her parents live 40 minutes away and put very little effort into being grandparents, but brag about how much they love their grandchildren on social media.

The crux of Phyllis’ point is that older millennials had grandparents involved in their lives, but their parents don’t have the same dedication.

@motherphyllis

Can anyone else relate?????? I should’ve said absent grandmother’s not grandparents but y’all know what I mean 🤣 #fyp #fypシ #fypage #viral #fyp #viral #millennial #boomer #momlife #mom #sahm #funny @laneige_us

“My mom comes over for her yearly visit and snaps a picture of the kids. Or sometimes she doesn't even do that. She'll just take a picture off my Facebook page, post it to her Facebook page, and say, 'I love hanging out with my grandkids so much,'" Phillis says in a video with over 200,000 views. “They're so amazing. And then her friends comment and say, ‘Being a grandparent is so amazing, it's just so great.’” Phyillis adds that when she had a child, her boomer parents didn’t show much interest in helping after her birth, saying that helping out was her husband's job.

millennials, baby boomers, baby boomer grandparents, absentee grandparents, generational complaints, active grandparentsA boomer grandma ready to post on Facebook.via Canva/Photos

The post resonated with many people in the comments who are having the same struggles with their boomer parents. "Their parents raised us. They didn’t even want to be parents, so they’re sure as hell not gonna be grandparents," Kim wrote. "I mean, you think having boomer grandparents are bad, try having them raise you. Generation X basically raised ourselves because they’re busy," Queen added.

A big reason why parents like Phyliis feel betrayed by their parents for refusing to be involved in their children’s lives is that they probably had grandparents who were involved in theirs. Many older millennials and Gen Xers had grandparents involved in their upbringing, providing daycare, babysitting, and making social visits, because their grandmothers were raised to be homemakers and didn’t have jobs. So their lifestyle was more geared to taking care of children. Boomer women were much more likely to have had careers and still work to this day.

@motherphyllis

Millennials just can’t understand the way some boomers act If I’m being honest ##fyp##foryoupage##fypシ##fypage##mom##sahm##momlife##honest##truth##relatable##millennial##boomer##generation##millennialstothemoon##phyllis

“Here’s the thing, though: it’s statistically more likely that your own grandmothers were homemakers, at least from the time they had children,” DeeDee Moore, a grandparenting influencer, writes for Scary Mommy. “They were home to watch you after school, or host you and your cousins for weeks during the summer. Starting with the baby boomer generation, women were more likely to be in the workforce, making babysitting grandkids and cousin camp harder to pull off.”

While parents like Phyllis have a good reason to be upset that their parents aren’t involved in their children’s lives, everyone’s situation is different, so we can’t bash all boomers for being uninvolved in their grandchildren’s lives. However, their accusation does follow a significant generational trend: Gen Xers and older Millennials, known by some as Generation Goonie, were raised in a world with very little parental involvement. So, it's unsurprising that their children have grandparents who may not be around much.

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Humor

Parents who grew up in the '70s and '80s share the experiences that modern kids can't believe

People weren't very healthy back then, but they were free.

via Wikimedia Commons

Island School Class, circa 1970s.

Parents, do you think your child would be able to survive if they were transported back to the '70s or '80s? Could they live at a time before the digital revolution put a huge chunk of our lives online? These days, everyone has a phone in their pocket, but before then, if you were in public and needed to call someone, you used a pay phone. Can you remember the last time you stuck 50 cents into one and grabbed the grubby handset?

According to the U.S. Federal Communications Commission, roughly 100,000 pay phones remain in the U.S., down from 2 million in 1999. Do you think a 10-year-old kid would have any idea how to use a payphone in 2022? Would they be able to use a Thomas Guide map to find out how to get somewhere? If they stepped into a time warp and wound up in 1975, could they throw a Led Zeppelin album on the record player at a party? Another big difference between now and life in the '70s and '80s has been public attitudes toward smoking cigarettes.

cigarettes, smoking, hand smoking, smoke, ash, smoking habit, health, '70s, '80sA hand holding a lit cigarette.via Canva/Photos

In 1965, 42.4% of Americans smoked and now, it’s just 12.5%. This sea change in public opinion about smoking means there are fewer places where smoking is deemed acceptable.

But in the early '80s, you could smoke on a bus, on a plane, in a movie theater, in restaurants, in the classroom and even in hospitals. How would a child of today react if their third-grade teacher lit up a heater in the middle of math class?

Dan Wuori, senior director of early learning at the Hunt Institute, tweeted that his high school had a smoking area “for the kids.” He then asked his followers to share “something you experienced as a kid that would blow your children’s minds. ”A lot of folks responded with stories of how ubiquitous smoking was when they were in school. While others explained that life was perilous for a kid, whether it was the school playground equipment or questionable car seats.

Here are a few responses that’ll show today’s kids just how crazy life used to be in the '70s and '80s.

First of all, let’s talk about smoking.



Want to call someone? Need to get picked up from baseball practice? You can’t text mom or dad, you’ll have to grab a quarter and use a pay phone.



People had little regard for their kids’ safety or health.








You could buy a soda in school.

Things were a lot different before the internet.


While it was fun to call into a radio station and wait with your ear by the radio to hear "Careless Whisper" by Wham! in 1984, you have to admit that kids have it a lot easier these days. All they have to do is jump on YouTube or Spotify, and they can hear it instantly. But that begs a big question: With music being so easy to access these days, does it become more disposable than it was when you had to wait all day to hear a song or drive downtown to the record store and pay $6.99 for an album (in 1982 money)?


Remember pen pals?


Many people bemoan the fact that today's children aren’t as tough as they were a few decades ago. But that’s probably because today's parents are better attuned to their kids’ needs, so they don't have to cheat death to make it through the day. But just imagine how easy parenting would be if all you had to do was throw your kids a bag of Doritos and a Coke for lunch, and you never worried about strapping them into a car seat?

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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