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How growing up surrounded by my black girlfriends changed me.

Why black girls need black girlfriends.

“When are we gonna start the discussions?” Nichelle asks impatiently as the rest of us stuff our faces with chocolate-filled crescent rolls and blue Sour Patch kids.

All bras are off for the night, and all hair is securely fastened in bonnets. Everyone is talking at once, and even though our bedtime isn’t until the sun begins to rise, each of us has already claimed her sleeping territory.

We are at a sleepover. We are grown-ass women.

Looking back, I never minded being the token black kid at an elementary school filled with mostly white and Chinese students.

At times, I think I even preferred it — it was just one more thing that made me feel special. This isn’t to say that I was exempt from typical 9-year-old token black girl frustrations (like not being able to wet my hair at slumber parties and feeling uncomfortable when my peers would ask me if I was related to MLK), but overall, I was fine. I thrived both socially and academically.

In 1996 or 1997, I started dancing on a praise team at a small black Pentecostal church, and I made a new group of friends.

This began sleepovers every summer and winter with the other dancers in the group, a tradition that we continue to this day. During the early years of our sleepover tradition, since we saw each other four or five times during any given week, our sleepovers always felt like a capstone of sorts, celebrating another successful few months of being friends, of dancing, of going to middle school, to high school, to college.

All photos by Kenzie Kate Photography, used with permission.

These days, we’re lucky if we even see each other every other month. Our sleepovers have shifted into something equally fun but more intentional, weighted with a more tangible significance: a time to celebrate weddings, babies, and career moves. A time to cry about failures, losses, and relationship mishaps.

"Discussions" are inevitable these days, too — lengthy and usually heated conversations about everything from relationships and dating to politics and corporate America. These discussions have become a highlight of our adult sleepovers, second only to quoting "Mean Girls" in its entirety.

All of this is to say: Having black friends is important, y’all.

This may seem like a given, but it’s something I didn’t realize until fairly recently during our last sleepover, when we were time-traveling and laughing about stories from our almost two decades of knowing each other.

Growing up with a solid group of black women as friends has empowered me in ways that I am still discovering. Here are a few.

1. It is important that black women have a space where they can be angry black women without being labeled and written off as an angry black woman.

I am afraid of being a stereotype. In non-black circles, I overcompensate often: I speak of my love of country music and swimming, I enunciate well and emphasize my i-n-g’s. I limit saying anything that could be interpreted as me using the (non-existent) race card. I fear being labeled an angry black woman.

But at our sleepovers, the subject matter is always candid and nothing is off limits. We make our disapproval for someone’s significant other known, we debate the perks and downfalls of going to a historically black college, we talk about black men dating white women, we talk about why we should move to Atlanta, we talk about why we should not move to Atlanta. We don’t have sidebar conversations. If two people are arguing, we are all there. If someone is crying, we are all there. And we know that no amount of yelling or arguing or ranting or tears could ever make anyone else in the room doubt our intelligence. We know that we are all smart.

2. It is important to have a space where you don’t feel like you are speaking for the entire African-American population.

Whether in corporate America or in a university classroom, as a black woman voicing an opinion, you are speaking for all black women (and sometimes black people) everywhere. People will take your opinion as truth: as "the black perspective." I have been asked to give "the black perspective" on multiple occasions. That is a LOT of pressure. I do not know all of the black people in America. Yes, I have insight into a black perspective, but too often, people mistake it as the only black perspective.

On many past occasions, as a result of being the sole black perspective, I have failed black people. When given the mic, I have been quick to say the easiest thing, to make the people around me comfortable, to manipulate the truth, to not be the downer in the room. When I’m with my girls, I am only required to speak for myself. My opinion only belongs to me. There’s so much freedom that comes with that.

3. It is important to have a space where you don’t ever feel like you’re talking about race "too much." It is also important to be in a place where wearing a scarf to sleep is the norm and ain’t nobody wettin’ their hair.

Whether we like it or not, hair is a big part of young girls’ lives in America, no matter what race they are. Your hair feels like your beauty, and your hair feels like your identity. As a little girl with barrettes, as a preteen with cornrows, and as a high-schooler with braids, it was my truth. It was all of our truth.

On the playground, I remember the envy I felt watching all the little white girls put their hair up in ponytails to play soccer and then taking the ponytails back down and splashing some water in their hair to go back to class. It was magic. My hair had to stay in its four ponytails, hair balls hanging on ends, lest I receive a beating when I got home. My hair was not magic.

But on Saturdays, as we’d prepare to dance at church on Sunday morning, my mom ran a pressing comb through all of our heads, gelling down our kitchens, changing afro puffs into curly ponytails and loose edges into defined twists. Our hair was magic.

Even still, as adults, we revel in each other’s hairstyles: the bobs, the braids, the afros, the twists, the locks, the ongoing discovery of how our hair can shape shift into something else. Our hair is magic.

We are magic.

Growing up with black girlfriends meant growing up surrounded by mirrors: reflections that looked just like me and constantly showed me who I was and who I could be. They were mirrors that knew me for me and constantly reminded me that I was magic.

We don’t see each other four times a week like we used to, and our phone calls and text messages are sometimes far and few between, but we hold on tightly to our bi-annual sleepovers, because we know that we need each other to survive in this world.

Black women need each other in this world.

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Dad's heartfelt lunch message shows how simple, everyday acts can change lives

You can make a huge difference by using O Organics.

via Meg Sullivan (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

A volunteer hands out food in a food bank and Meg Sullivan shares her dad's kind gesture.

When we consider people who have had a positive impact on the world, we often think of those who have made grand gestures to improve the lives of others, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Greta Thunberg, or Mahatma Gandhi. Unfortunately, that type of effort is out of reach for the average person.

However, O Organics would like to remind everyone that they can positively impact the world through small, consistent acts of kindness that add up over time. Much like how a small creek can create a valley over the years, we can change lives through small, consistent acts of kindness.

O Organics is dedicated to the well-being of all by nourishing people everywhere with delicious organic foods grown by producers who meet USDA-certified organic farming standards.

Upworthy's Instagram page recently posted a touching example of everyday kindness. Meg Sullivan shared how her father, Tom, peeled oranges for her lunch just about every day from kindergarten through high school. But on the final day of her senior year of high school, he sent his 17-year-old daughter unpeeled oranges with a touching note about how she’d have to start peeling them for herself.



“It’s Time Baby Girl,” he wrote on a wikiHow printout on how to peel an orange with a drawing of himself crying. For the father, this daily ritual was about more than just making lunch; it was about showing that he cared by going the extra mile. “I could have put money on her lunch account,” Tom told Today.com. “But it’s one of those little things I thought was important, that she knows somebody’s taking the time to take care of her.”

The small, daily gesture taught Megan an essential lesson in kindness.

The post reminded people how their fathers’ small acts of kindness meant so much to them. “My dad peeled my oranges until I graduated high school, too. Now, I peel my daughter’s oranges and will for the next 7 plus years,” Katie wrote in the comments. “Love this. My dad peeled mine, too. When I moved out, he gave me an orange peeler gadget,” Mary added.

o organics, albertson's giving backO Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list.via Albertson's

Did you know that every time you go to the supermarket, you can also change the world through small gestures? O Organics not only allows you to feed your family delicious and nutritious organic food, but each purchase also gives back to help people and communities facing food insecurity.

Through contributions from customers like you, O Organics donates up to 28 million meals annually. The company’s contribution is essential when, according to the USDA, 47.4 million Americans live in food-insecure households.

O Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list. “Over the years, we have made organic foods more accessible by expanding O Organics to every aisle across our stores, making it possible for health and budget-conscious families to incorporate organic food into every meal,” Jennifer Saenz, EVP and Chief Merchandising Officer at Albertsons, one of many stores where you can find O Organics products, said in a statement.

O Organics now offers over 1500 items, from dairy products such as eggs and milk to packaged meats and breakfast staples such as cereal bars, granola and oatmeal. You can also enjoy affordable organic produce with O Organics’ fresh salads and fruit.

Everybody wants to make the world a better place. With O Organics, you can feed your family healthy, organic food every time you go to the market while paying it forward by contributing to the company’s efforts to end food insecurity nationwide. That’s a small, daily gesture that can amount to incredible change.

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Parenting

Yet another school district shifts to 4-day week and parents are sounding off

So... when are we getting the matching 4-day work week?

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When talking with other parents I know, it's hard not to sound like a grumpy old man when we get around to discussing school schedules. "Am I the only one who feels like kids have so many days off? I never got that many days off when I was a kid! And I had to go work in the coal mine after, too!" I know what I sound like, but I just can't help it.

In Georgia, where I live, we have a shorter summer break than some other parts of the country. But my kids have the entire week of Thanksgiving off, a week in September, two whole weeks at Christmas, a whole week off in February, and a weeklong spring break. They have asynchronous days (during which they complete assignments at home, which usually takes about 30 minutes) about once a month, and they have two or three half-day weeks throughout the year. Quite honestly, it feels like they're never in school for very long before they get another break, which makes it tough to get in a rhythm with work and career goals. Plus, we're constantly arranging day camps and other childcare options for all the time off. Actually, I just looked it up and I'm not losing my mind: American kids have fewer school days than most other major countries.

So it caught my attention in a major way when I read that Whitney Independent School District in Texas recently decided to enact a 4-day week heading into the 2025 school year. That makes it one of dozens of school districts in Texas to make the change and over 900 nationally.


Giphy

The thought of having the kids home from school EVERY Friday or Monday makes me want to break out in stress hives. But this 4-day school week movement isn't designed to give parents a headache. It's meant to lure teachers back to work.

Yes, teachers are leaving the profession in droves and young graduates don't seem eager to replace them. Why? The pay is bad, for starters, but that's just the beginning. Teachers are burnt out, undermined and criticized relentlessly, held hostage by standardized testing, and more. It can be a grueling, demoralizing, and thankless job. The love and passion they have for shaping the youth of tomorrow can only take you so far when you feel like you're constantly getting the short end of the stick.

School districts want to pay their teachers more, in theory, but their hands are often tied. So they're getting creative to recruit the next generation of teachers into their schools — starting with an extra day off for planning, catch-up, or family time every week.

Teachers in 4-day districts often love the new schedule. Kids love it (obviously). It's the parents who, as a whole, aren't super thrilled.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

So far, the data shows that the truncated schedule perk is working. In these districts, job applications for teachers are up, retirements are down, and teachers are reporting better mental well-being. That's great news!

But these positive developments may be coming at the price of the working parents in the communities. Most early adopters of the 4-day week have been rural communities with a high prevalence of stay-at-home parents. As the idea starts to take hold in other parts of the country, it's getting more pushback. Discussions on Reddit, Facebook, and other social media are overrun with debate on how this is all going to shake up. Some parents, to be fair, like the idea! If they stay-at-home or have a lot of flexibility, they see it as an opportunity for more family time. But many are feeling anxious. Here's what's got those parents worried:

The effect on students' achievement is still unclear.

The execution of the 4-day week varies from district to district. Some schools extend the length of each of the four days, making the total instructional time the same. That makes for a really long day, and some teachers say the students are tired and more unruly by the late afternoon. Some districts are just going with less instruction time overall, which has parents concerned that their kids might fall behind.

4-day school weeks put parents in a childcare bind.

Having two working parents is becoming more common and necessary with the high cost of living. I know, I know — "school isn't daycare!" But it is the safe, reliable, and educational place we send our kids while we need to work.

Families with money and resources may be able to enroll their kids in more academics, extracurriculars, sports, or childcare, but a lot of normal families won't be able to afford that cost. Some schools running a 4-day week offer a paid childcare option for the day off, but that's an added expense and for families with multiple kids in the school system, it's just not possible.

This will inevitably end with some kids getting way more screentime.

With most parents still working 5-day weeks, and the cost of extra activities or childcare too high, a lot of kids are going to end up sitting around on the couch with their iPad on those days off. I'm no expert, and I'm certainly not against screentime, but adding another several hours of it to a child's week seems less than ideal.

Of course there are other options other than paid childcare and iPads. There are play dates, there's getting help from family and friends. All of these options are an enormous amount of work to arrange for parents who are already at capacity.

Working 4 days is definitely a win for teachers that makes the job more appealing. But it doesn't address the systemic issues that are driving them to quit, retire early, or give up their dreams of teaching all together.

Giphy

A Commissioner of Education from Missouri calls truncated schedules a "band-aid solution with diminishing returns." Having an extra planning day won't stop teachers from getting scapegoated by politicians or held to impossible curriculum standards, it won't keep them from having to buy their own supplies or deal with ever-worsening student behavior.

Some teachers and other experts have suggested having a modified 5-day school week, where one of the days gets set aside as a teacher planning day while students are still on-site participating in clubs, music, art — you know, all the stuff that's been getting cut in recent years. Something like that could work in some places.

As a dad, I don't mind the idea of my busy kids having an extra day off to unwind, pursue hobbies, see friends, catch up on projects, or spend time as a family. And I'm also very much in favor of anything that takes pressure off of overworked teachers. But until we adopt a 4-day work week as the standard, the 4-day school week is always going to feel a little out of place.


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Music

Why John Lennon's son performed 'Imagine' for the first time after swearing he never would

"Within this song, we’re transported to a space, where love and togetherness become our reality, if but for a moment in time."

via Julian Lennon/YouTube and Wikimedia Commons

John and Julian Lennon both performing "Imagine."

In 1971, a year after the break-up of the Beatles, John Lennon released his most important piece of music, the song “Imagine.” The song is an appeal to humanity’s better angels and urges the listener to "join us" in visualizing a world without war, hunger or greed.

The song provides a glimmer of hope in that if we can visualize a perfect world, then maybe one day it will be achievable. Over the past 50 years, the song has become a secular hymn that can conjure hope in the aftermath of the most tragic events. The song was played by Queen at Wembley Arena after Lennon was murdered in 1980. Steve Wonder sang it at the closing ceremonies of the 1996 Olympics to honor the lives of those lost at the Centennial Olympic Park bombing. Neil Young played it at the 9/11 Tribute to Heroes concert.

“Imagine” is also seen as Lennon’s signature song that encapsulates his artistic persona. No small feat given the earth-shattering effect the songs he wrote with the Beatles have had on the world.

Given the song’s incredible power, Lennon’s son Julian vowed never to perform it in public. Julian has had success as a musician over the years, most notably with his 1984 hit, “Too Late for Goodbyes.” He’s also a philanthropist who has produced numerous documentaries.

The war in Ukraine pushed Julian to break his vow and he performed a beautiful rendition of “Imagine” as part of Global Citizen’s social media rally, “Stand Up For Ukraine” on April 8. The campaign is working to raise money for the war-torn country.

Julian was accompanied for the performance by guitarist Nuno Bettencourt, who is best known as the lead guitarist of the Boston rock band Extreme and a member of Rihanna's touring band.

"The War on Ukraine is an unimaginable tragedy... As a human, and as an artist, I felt compelled to respond in the most significant way I could," Lennon wrote. "So today, for the first time ever, I publicly performed my Dad’s song, IMAGINE. Why now, after all these years? — I had always said, that the only time I would ever consider singing ‘IMAGINE’ would be if it was the ‘End of the World’…But also because his lyrics reflect our collective desire for peace worldwide.

“Because within this song, we’re transported to a space, where love and togetherness become our reality, if but for a moment in time… The song reflects the light at the end of the tunnel, that we are all hoping for…" he continued.

via Wikimedia Commons

“As a result of the ongoing murderous violence, millions of innocent families, have been forced to leave the comfort of their homes, to seek asylum elsewhere,” Lennon concluded his message. “I’m calling on world leaders and everyone who believes in the sentiment of IMAGINE, to stand up for refugees everywhere! Please advocate and donate from the heart. #StandUpForUkraine.”

Lennon’s decision to never play “Imagine” was a wonderful way to honor his father’s legacy by respecting the power of his song. But John would probably be proud if he knew that he sang it at a time when we all need to imagine “all the people living life in peace.”


This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Pop Culture

Mom leaves a 'heartbreaking' gift to flight passengers sitting next to her baby

"That's a mom trying so hard."

@callmebelly/TikTok

An excellent reminder to show kindness and patience.

Listening to a baby cry during a flight might be aggravating, but it’s nothing compared to the moans, groans, and eyerolls that the baby's parents must endure from other passengers when it happens. No matter what tips and tricks are used to try to soothe a little one’s temperament while 30,000 miles in the air, crying is almost inevitable. So, while having to ease their own child’s anxiety, moms and dads also must suffer being the pariah of the trip. What a nightmare.

Recently, one mom was apparently trying so hard to avoid upsetting her fellow flight members that she went above and beyond to essentially apologize ahead of time if her baby began to cry on its first flight. It was a gesture that, while thoughtful, had folks really feeling for how stressed that poor mom must be.

In a clip posted to his TikTok, one of the passengers—Elliot—explained that the mom handed out small care packages to those nearby.

“She’s already so busy and took the time to make these bags for everyone,” Elliot said, before panning the camera to reveal a Ziplock bag full of candy, along with a note that made him “want to cry.”

The note read: “It’s my first flight. I made a deal to be on my best behaviour—but I can’t make any guarantees. I might cry if I get scared or if my ears start to hurt. Here are some treats to make your flight enjoyable. Thank you for being patient with us. Have a great flight.”

@callmebelly♬ BIRDS OF A FEATHER - Billie Eilish

Like Elliot, those who watched the video felt some ambivalence at the well intentioned act. Many felt remorse that she would feel the need to appease people in this way.

“This is so sweet but also … kind of breaks my heart that we live in a world in which parents feel the need to do that.”

“Because jerk people have shamed parents into believing that they need to apologize for their kids' absolutely normal behavior. What a gem of a mom.”

“You know that sweet mom worried about this trip so much.”

“That poor mom probably spent nights awake … nervous about that flight, thinking of ways to keep strangers happy.”

"That's a mom trying so hard."

Many rallied behind the mom, arguing that making others feel more comfortable with her child being on board was in no way her responsibility.

“No mom should be apologizing. Adults can control their emotions … babies not …. Hugging this mom from a distance.”

“Dear new parents: no you don’t have to do this. Your babies have the right to exist. We all know babies cry. We know you try your best.”

Luckily, there are just as many stories of fellow passengers being completely compassionate towards parents with small children—from simply choosing to throw on their headphones during a tantrum (instead of throwing one themselves) to going out of their way to comfort a baby (and taking the load of a parent in the process). These little acts of kindness make more of an impact than we probably realize. Perhaps if we incorporated more of this “it takes a village” mindset, flying could be a little bit more pleasant for everyone involved.

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Celebrity

Benny Blanco shocks fiancé Selena Gomez when he reveals that he often cries in the shower

He shared the personal detail in their first joint interview.

www.interviewmagazine.com

Roe Ethridge

For fans of Selena Gomez and her fiancé (record producer, songwriter) Benny Blanco, it was a treat that they sat down for their first joint interview with Interview magazine's Mel Ottenberg for the piece, Benny and Selena Against the World.They got as candid as two people can get, but it's not surprising. Their vulnerability as individuals is part of what makes them both such talented artists.

It was their behind-the-scenes TikTok video at the interview that grabbed a lot of people's attention. It was there that Benny admitted he gets "death realizations" in the shower. Let me back up. First, he asks Selena, "Have you ever cried in the shower? It's incredible." After she laughs, he gets more serious. "Sometimes you just have to have a good cry. I always get death realizations in the shower. Like, I realize I'm gonna die, but it's in the shower. And then I cry about it a little bit, and then it goes away. And then I feel great because I'm (he gestures) the warm water."

@interviewmag

We love a good shower cry 🚿 @Selena Gomez and @benny blanco answer a few questions about each other behind the scenes of our March issue cover shoot. #selenagomez #bennyblanco

This leads to Selena reading a prepared question: "Who cries the most?" They both agree that it's Selena. Benny touchingly explains, "She cries if she sees any video early in the morning that's like— a dog, a child." Selena adds, "A grandparent." Benny concurs. "A grandparent. Some hybrid of all three that we've never even seen before. She cries."

The printed interview reveals so much about their relationship.

ON THEIR INITIAL FRIENDSHIP

Benny Blanco and Selena GomezPhoto by: Roe Ethridge www.interviewmagazine.com

They met when Selena was about 16 or 17 and still with Disney Records, after her mom set up a meeting. Benny admits, "That's right when I became big and she wasn't a singer yet."

He was drawn to her music, calling her "the original sad girl." But it was their underlying friendship that sealed their fate. Ottenberg asks when they "knew" they were into each other. Selena confesses, "It was really simple. We got in the studio to work on a song, and we just talked; that’s how easy it was for me. I liked him before he liked me."

Benny had no idea. But on their second hangout, he got it. "Our second date, I was like, 'Wait, does she like me?' I was clueless. From then on, it was easy. You know when you think you met the right person, you’re like, 'Oh my god.' But it feels so different. The second we started hanging out, I was like, 'This is my wife.' I was telling my mom, 'This is the girl I’m going to marry.'"

ON MUTUAL RESPECT

selena gomez GIF by Interscope RecordsGiphy

When it comes to her music, Selena is incredibly humble and admits she has had trouble in the past asking for what she wants on an album. Of Benny, she says, "Sometimes it’s difficult for me to speak up. Most of my anxiety right now is wanting him to speak because I feel like he’s more talented than I am in this field. It’s like working with a great filmmaker. Whether we were together or not, I think he still would’ve listened to everything that I had to say, and he was able to almost transcribe it into music, into what the feeling of what I was talking about should be. And I really found that to be helpful because this album definitely feels just as much mine as I’m sure it does his."

Benny is in awe of Selena's talent. "The thing that Selena does that not a lot of artists do is she’s never afraid to tell the truth, even if it might not be the most popular thing. Sometimes she’s sad, sometimes she hasn’t figured out love, but she always says it in the realest way that so many people can connect with. So many pop stars are unattainable, but somehow she’s the largest person in the room and makes each person feel like she’s exactly like them."

ON HOW TO MAKE IT WORK

Selena Gomez and Benny BlancoPhoto by: Roe Ethridge www.interviewmagazine.com

Benny makes this one simple. "Happy wife, happy life. Shut the f up and listen to your partner." Selena cuts to the chase too. "Find your best friend and don't settle."

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Health

12 real men share how women (and men) actually reacted when they started working out more

Bad news for anyone working out to get more dates.

Unsplash & Canva

Unrealistic ideals are everywhere.

When guys want to start working on self-improvement, they're told that Step 1 is always, every time, without fail, going to the gym. For better or worse, this is where men are repeatedly told to go to begin turning their life around. Whether it's gaining confidence, becoming stronger, looking better, or of course, the classic, attracting more women, guys have all sorts of expectations of what fitness can do for them. We're constantly told that lifting weights is the key to solving almost all of our problems. But is it really?

Real men who work out regularly are sounding off on social media about gym expectations vs reality and the responses are incredibly illuminating. If you're thinking about getting started on your own fitness journey, it might help to know exactly what you are, and aren't, in for.

Expectation: Wanting compliments from women. Reality: Getting them from men.

gif of two men lifting weights togetherSometimes gym bros are the best bros.Giphy

Studies, and some common sense, show that women are more attracted to men who appear strong. This inspires a lot of men to hit the gym hard in order to improve their chances, but the reality is they tend to vastly overestimate the impact lifting weights will have. In fact, most guys who work out quickly find that it's actually other men who are more likely to notice their hard work and throw them compliments.

In fact, bodybuilding as we know it—oiled up dudes with massive muscles in tiny speedos—owes its roots to the queer community. So, you could say that a lot of the things guys chase in the gym today, like big shoulders and biceps, were initially designed to attract other men.

"I thought women would compliment me on my muscles, but in reality I only get compliments from other gym bros 😅....and that's cool too!" a commenter wrote in a Reddit thread on the subject of gym expectations vs reality.

"I thought girls would be into me... Sadly, it's men that seem to give me more attention now," said another.

Not ideal for guys hoping to score more dates, but hey, a compliment is a compliment.

"Buddy I haven't seen in a while just told me my legs look juicy. Feels good bro," admitted one user.

Expectation: Getting stronger and looking better. Reality: It takes a long, long time.

Guys start working out with visions of looking like Mr. Olympia, but few realize how long it takes and how much consistency and mental grit are required to start seeing results. Social media bombards us with quick transformations in order to sell us supplements and workout programs, but the reality for most guys is that it will take years of consistent hard work to feel like you're really getting somewhere. Oh, and you'll probably never look like Mr. Olympia.

"I just didn’t realize how long it would take. At 2-3 sessions per week, it took a year before I saw anything in the mirror," one user noted, adding that it took over three years of consistency to see major changes.

Expectation: More self-confidence. Reality: Body dysmorphia.

When men start working out, they often believe that if they lose weight or look more fit, they'll gain confidence. And often times, that's true! But in some cases, hyper focusing on the size of your pecs or the visibility of your abs can have the opposite effect. You can lose sight of the progress you've made and end up feeling even worse about your body.

"Unfortunately once you see improvement, sometimes you are always trying to up the improvement," a man wrote.

"I've even had other people comment on the weight loss and I have tangible evidence in a reduced waist size, yet when I look at myself I still feel big as ever," said another.

"Not really new, its a pretty common occurrence that once you get bigger you'll feel too small and as if you dont train hard enough to grow faster," noted one commenter, referencing a phenomenon sometimes called bigorexia.

Expectation: Less pain. Reality: Being sore all the time.

gif of man running up the stairs while another walks downstairs slowly and painfullyThis is how you move when you're in shapeGiphy

"[I expected] Less daily pain. Result: different daily pain," wrote one commenter.

My wife and I joke about this all the time. We both workout to be strong, fit, and healthy. Half the time, though, our legs are sore from squats and lunges and cycling and we're both waddling around the house. It kind of feels like it defeats the purpose at times.

Exercise is one of the best ways to relieve pain in your knees, back, hips, and more. But if you overdo it, your muscles will pay the price for days afterwards, or worse, you'll wind up injuring yourself.

Expectation: Six pack abs. Reality: It's not worth it.

gif of singer Usher lifting his shirt to show off his absWe can't all have abs like UsherGiphy

Ah yes, the Holy Grail of fitness for men: The elusive six pack. You could easily argue that men care more about abs than women (let's just not restart the dadbod discourse again, please), but whether the pursuit is misguided or not, almost every man who steps foot in a gym has at least dared to dream that one day they might acquire rock hard abs.

Guys in the thread showed up to tell us that, sadly, it probably won't happen just because you work out hard.

"[The reality is] I’m just sorta in shape bc I don’t watch my diet… you can tell I have a physique, I can lift heavy, and have endurance, but there’s some chub," one commenter admitted.

Six pack abs require either terrific genes, extreme discipline, or a combination of both. And the guys who have put in extraordinary effort in the gym and the kitchen to get there are here to tell us it's probably not worth the hassle.

"As someone who's gone down to about 10% to get abs. Don't. It's genuinely not worth it. I sit at around 15% which for me doesn't show ab definition, and I'm so much happier than I was with abs," one guy says.

Expectation: Feeling better physically. Reality: Feeling better mentally.

By now, we've learned that expectations of working out don't always match reality. It's not likely that you'll completely transform your body (at least not quickly), become perfectly happy with how you look in the mirror, and have women throwing themselves at you. But that's not to say that fitness isn't a goal worth pursuing. Sometimes, the most positive effects aren't the ones you see, but the ones you feel.

"One of the things I did not expect was being able to deal with my mental health, but it was a pleasant surprise to find out how much it helped me counter my depression," one man commented.

"Regular, strenuous physical activity is the thing that made the most dramatic difference in my mental wellbeing. My new girlfriend has these motivational memes everywhere, and one of them says 'Sweat is magic. Cover yourself in it daily and watch your dreams come true.' Dammit if that isn't the most truth I've learned in the last few years," added another.

The men's self-improvement industry has sold us a lot of fairly toxic ideas. It tells us to chase big muscles, six pack abs, and adoration from women in the gym, and that these things will ultimately bring us peace and happiness. Most guys who have been down this road have found out that that's simply not true.

However, getting and staying active does have a ton of benefits if you get into it for the right reasons. It can improve longevity, boost your mood and confidence, help you sleep better, and more. You may not become a Casanova with the ladies, but the guy spotting you on the bench press or complimenting your shoulders might just become a new best friend, something men desperately need more of.



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