upworthy

Women's Health

Megan Montgomery and Jason McIntosh on their wedding day

If you were to look at Megan Montgomery's Instagram account, you'd see a beautiful, smiling woman in the prime of her life, her youth and fitness the envy of women the world over. You'd even see some photos of her with her husband (#datenight), with comments saying things like "Aww, gorgeous couple!"

But beneath her picture-perfect feed was the story of a woman in an abusive relationship with her husband—one that would start with his arrest shortly after they got married, and end 10 months later with him shooting her to death in a parking lot. In a Facebook post, one of the people who was out with Megan the night of her murder detailed how her estranged husband had come to their table, put his hand on her neck and shoulder, and escorted her out of the building.


She went with him willingly, but anyone familiar with abusive relationships knows that "willingly" is a subjective term. He had reportedly threatened mass violence before. Perhaps she was trying to protect the people she was with. Perhaps staying felt more dangerous to her than going with him.

The couple reportedly had a volatile relationship from the start, and at one point both had restraining orders against the other. Regardless, she was killed by the man who had claimed to love her, an ex-cop who had been arrested for domestic violence and had been bailed out multiple times prior to that evening.

In April of 2021, McIntosh, pleaded guilty to murdering Montgomery. As part of the plea deal, he received a 30-year prison sentence.

"Megan began dying on July 23, 2017, on their first date," her mother, Susann Montgomery-Clark, said in court. "Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, you gradually turn up the heat to boiling and the frog doesn't know they're dying. That's what happened to Megan. That's what domestic violence does. Anyone who met her after their first date didn't know the real Megan that he destroyed long before he killed her."


Feminist News wrote the gist of Megan's story on Facebook, sharing photos from the couple's wedding to illustrate how invisible domestic violence can be to those outside of it. "THIS is the face of domestic violence," they wrote.


But what was perhaps most striking about the post was the deluge of comments from women describing their own experiences with domestic violence. Comment after comment explaining how a partner always made them think the abuse was their fault, how restraining orders were repeatedly violated, how they were charmed and loved into questioning whether the verbal abuse or physical violence was really that bad. Story after story of how they didn't see it coming, how slowly and insidiously it escalated, how terrifying it was to try to leave.

Those of us who have not been in abusive relationships don't always understand why people don't leave them. But the dynamics of abuse—the emotional manipulation, the gaslighting, the self-esteem destruction, the fear and shame—are well documented.

Unfortunately, those dynamics can prove deadly. Domestic violence murders have been on the rise in recent years, going up 19% between 2014 and 2017. And sadly, our justice system does not protect domestic violence survivors as well as it should.

Part of the challenge of prosecuting in domestic violence cases is that victims are not always willing to cooperate, either out of fear or shame or embarrassment, or unhealthy loyalty. According to some estimates, domestic violence victims recant their testimony up to 70% of the time. That's why some are pushing for evidence-based prosecution without requiring victim testimony, much like we try murder cases.


domestic violence, woman in fear, violence against women, domestic violence cases, violent husbands, sousal abuseA woman afraid for her life.via Canva/Photos

But some, like University of Maryland law professor Leah Goodmark, argue that pushing for more law enforcement hasn't proven to reduce domestic violence rates. Addressing issues of poverty, childhood trauma, attitudes toward gender equality, and other risk factors for domestic violence may be more effective by stopping violence before it starts.

While abuse happens to both men and women, women are more likely to be victims and much more likely to be murdered by a partner. Thankfully, there are many resources for domestic violence survivors to seek help, whether you're trying to determine if your relationship is abusive or trying to figure out if, when, and how to leave. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233) has a wealth of information on domestic violence and what to do about it. The website even has a live chat where you can get your questions answered and receive assistance making a safety plan for you and your family.

If you are afraid of your partner or other loved one, there's something wrong. No one should live in fear of the people who are supposed to love them the most.

This article originally appeared six years ago.

Women's Health

Medical student shares how ‘absolutely wild’ her first c-section was to help empower moms

“Nothing could ever prepare you for absolutely how insane the entire thing is.”

@henneliehawes/TikTok

It’s well known how common it is for mothers who end up having a cesarean delivery to feel negative emotions, like guilt, disappointment, and even have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Beyond the physical shock, many women share similar feelings of missing out on the important aspects of childbirth—from having their partner in the operating room to cradling their newborn in their arms immediately after bringing them into the world.

And that’s why videos like the ones posted by Hennelie Hawes, a medical student who recently shared her first experience of seeing a c-section for the first time, are so important. It offers a different perspective that might help women who’ve been through one to remember how badass they really are.

As Hawes shared in a TikTok video, c-sections are considered a specialized field that’s hard to match into, plus she had been told the first time seeing one would feel "absolutely wild.” All this to say—she was very"excited" and had high hopes she might even get to assist with the delivery.

Cut to after her first day, and judging by the look on her face, Hawes got everything she wished for.


“Literally my first day on OB-Gyn and I just got thrown into a surgery right away. I had heard that c-sections are a wild experience, but nothing could ever prepare you for absolutely how insane the entire thing is,” she recalled. “I was shocked. Jaw was on the ground the entire time. And then to see a living human emerge from the abdomen?! WHAT?! Literally what?! That is crazy! And the patient is awake. The mom is awake the entire time! It has got to be one of the craziest surgeries to ever witness.”

“Safe to say I had an amazing first day,” she concluded, still visibly in awe. “And I think it will be a really, really good rotation.”

Hawes’ utter enthusiasm was certainly contagious, as her video quickly went viral and inspired so many viewers—particularly other medical professionals—to share how they too marvel at those who have undergone c-sections.

“There’s not enough respect for what the woman goes through,” one person wrote. Meanwhile, another said, "When I rotated as a PA student I was also SHOOK seeing my first c-section! Mom and dad are just chillin on the other side unaware that they are literally ripping her abdomen open.”

Photo credit: Canva

Still another told Hawes, “OBGYN attending here. I still remember the first CS I saw as a medical student. I had the same reaction as you!"

And of course, several moms entered the chat to talk about their own experiences. Quite a few recounted leaving a med student with their jaw on the floor as well.

“I was someone’s very first delivery and I think she cried as much as I did. I’ve had 4 children and personally having students is a fun addition to the experience.”

“Believe me, being AWAKE while they hack into you and then your hear a whole human but everyone sees it first…that’s wild.”

“My recent birth — my third — I had a nurse who just finished school and was training. She was so nervous! I was like ‘girl do what you gotta do take your time.’ She literally said ‘thanks for being nice to me.’”

“I had a c-section personally before I saw one (and have been in hundreds since) and I am so thankful for our OBs and also that I didn’t see it first.”

While c-section are likely to stir up some conflicting emotions no matter what, hopefully hearing other folks share their amazement can help mothers quiet down some of the more negative thoughts going on. At the end of the day, women are metal as hell for being able to bring life into the world, no matter how they do it.

Pap smears aren't exactly a picnic.

Ah, the Pap smear. Most women's least favorite routine medical procedure, when your doctor uses tools that look like torture devices to take a sample from your cervix to screen for cervical cancer. While the procedure is important (we'll get into why in a moment), it's also a less-than-pleasant experience for reasons that are difficult to explain to someone who's never had one. It's not like you can just show someone a video of the procedure, considering the sensitive nature of it. And the basic description of "Imagine someone prying open one of your private orifices with a cold, pinchy tool and then scraping around in there for a bit," doesn't quite cover it.

A nurse has done the impossible, however, with a video that hilariously depicts what a Pap smear and pelvic exam feel like. Using a padded envelope, a pair of tongs, a whisk, and a pepper grinder, she shows the steps of a Pap smear in a way that everyone who has ever had one can feel while they watch. It's disturbingly accurate, with only one small detail missing.

Watch:

A repost of the video has been shared over 1 million times, with women everywhere howling about the accuracy. The only thing missing? The lubricating jelly. If you know, you know.

"And they basically want you hanging halfway off the table… “scoot down some more?” Ma’am. I’m already in hip thrust position, how much further down can I go?😩😂"

"'Just relax and let your legs fall open.' *as you are clenching and shaking*🥴"

"My body was tense the whole time watching this. I just don’t believe they’ve made any advancements on Pap smears and I don’t understand why!!!! there HAS to be other ways. Somebody lyin!!!"

"💀You forgot the super cold lube. 🥶"

"It was the turn of the tongs that got me. 😂🤣 I felt that."

Commenters also commiserated over the ironic reality of having a doctor be all up close and personal in your business, yet feeling compelled to hide your underwear from them.

"Did we all fold our undies and then IMMEDIATELY hide them because GAWD FORBID they see that whilst canoeing through our lady bits!?"

"All this while your clothes are folded neatly on the chair in the corner of the room with your underwear hidden in your pants."

"You can explore my birth canal but I won’t dare let u catch a glimpse of my panties… girl math. 🤣"

"Then they step out so you can dress … like umm 🙄 you just seen all I had to offer lol."

But the video also prompted some awareness over the importance of cervical cancer screenings. After all, they're not spelunking into your birth canal for nothing.

"Please go for them ladies, my wife has just finished extensive chemo and radiotherapy," shared one commenter. "A smear was the first step in finding the disease. PLEASE, go! So many women put off this vital appointment. 😪"

What happens during a Pap smear? Why is it important?

According to the National Cancer Institute, a Pap smear is "a procedure in which a small brush is used to gently remove cells from the surface of the cervix and the area around it so they can be checked under a microscope for cervical cancer or cell changes that may lead to cervical cancer. A Pap smear may also help find other conditions, such as infections or inflammation."

metal speculumA speculum allows doctors to access the cervix.Photo credit: Canva

However, this description doesn't mention the speculum, which is what's used to hold open the vagina so the doctor can access the cervix. Sometimes metal, sometimes plastic, the speculum is about as comfortable as it looks and the reason many women choose to put off their Pap smear appointments. The procedure only takes a few minutes, though, and it's more uncomfortable than it is painful—definitely worth some temporary discomfort to screen for cancers and other pelvic health problems.

Pap smears are able to detect cervical changes before they become cancerous, which is why they've been the gold standard for cancer screenings. The current recommendation is that anyone with a cervix who's between 21 and 30 years old should get a Pap smear at least once every three years, and 30 to 65-year-olds should get one every five years.

We may not love them, but Pap smears are a part of good health maintenance. Let's just hope that they find screening method that's not quite as uncomfortably invasive in the future.

a woman standing in a field of sunflowers

A man and his wife go to a party. They gallivant around, interact with various people, and have a few cocktails. On the car ride home, the wife (we'll call her Heather) says something like, "I can't believe Gemma is so annoyed with John." The husband (we'll call him Doug) is perplexed. "What are you talking about?" Heather persists, "What are YOU talking about? She can't STAND him."

Now, taking out all possible outside factors (like their alcohol intake, etc.), this might be a scenario you've seen before. (Of course, those genders can always be switched. Similarly, in same-sex couples, there's a spectrum of personality traits that are far from absolute.) But very often, we hear the trope of the extremely perceptive woman versus the less-than-perceptive man.

man and womanFile:Man-and-woman-icon.svg - Wikimedia Commonscommons.wikimedia.org

There are actual reasons for this. The idea of a physical difference between the male and female brain is nothing new. Numerous self-help books likeMen Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, and Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men and Women have flooded our bookstores for ages. They’ve sought to teach us how to be understood through clearer communication and empathy. Of course, this doesn’t refute the fact that upbringing and societal constructs also play a role in how we process information or behave in different scenarios.

It's a complex issue and far from black and white. That said, numerous studies continue to show how differences in brain structures (though tiny they may be!) really make all the difference.

brain Photo by Milad Fakurian on Unsplash

Dr. Judith Orloff, author of The Genius of Empathy: Practical Skills to Heal Your Sensitive Self, Your Relationships, and The World, wrote a piece for Psychology Today entitled"The Neuroscience of Women's Intuition." She shares, "A woman’s corpus callosum, the connective white matter that connects our left and right brain hemispheres, is thicker than a man’s. This gives women better and faster abilities to access each hemisphere, further integrating their emotions and gut feelings with the more logical decision-making functions of the left hemisphere. Women’s brains are optimized for rapid, intuitive decision-making."

What's even more fascinating is that our actual "gut" has connective neurons. Orloff also shares, "Scientists believe intuition operates through the right side of our brain, the brain’s hippocampus, and through our gut (the digestive system has neurons as well)."

So, there’s an actual reason we use the term "gut instinct."

Dr. Kayla Osterhoff often posts fascinating findings on this matter on Instagram. To name a few of the brain physical factors that help make intuition stronger in the female brain, she mentions a "larger mirror neuron system." She explains, "With more active anterior cingulate cortex and superior temporal sulcus areas, women can more accurately interpret nonverbal cues, better anticipate the needs of others, and navigate complex social dynamics."

She also brings up the aforementioned "enhanced communication between the brain's hemispheres" and "higher gray matter volume in the anterior cingulate gyrus, insula, and hippocampus," which help heighten women's empathy and awareness.

woman in white and black polka dot shirt holding blue and white book Photo by No Revisions on Unsplash

And though the science is ever-changing and will hopefully include more studies that differentiate between biological sex and gender identity, the studies consistently back up how different the "male vs. female" brain is. In an even more recent piece by Scott Barry Kaufman called "Male and Female Brains Can Be Classified with Striking Accuracy" , he discusses a scientific study published in PNAS that supports these findings. Their results suggest that, at the group level, male and female brains can be distinguished with a high level of accuracy, and there are particular features of intrinsic organization in these brains that are significant and most likely evolved over the course of human evolution for adaptive purposes." He adds, "All brains don’t have to be equal for there to be equality. Brains can be complementary with equal opportunities for contribution."

In other words, if you're reading this with a confused expression on your face, Heather may more likely pick up on that than Doug.