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Psychologist explains why everyone feels so exhausted these days and it makes a lot of sense

"A gentle reminder about why you are utterly exhausted…"

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

It seems like most people are feeling wiped out these days. There's a reason for that.

We're more than four years past the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic, and it's been a weird ride, to say the least. These years have been hard, frustrating, confusing and tragic, and yet we keep on keeping on. Except the keeping on part isn't quite as simple as it sounds.

We've sort of collectively decided to move on, come what may. This year has been an experiment in normalcy, but one without a testable hypothesis or clear design. And it's taken a toll. So many people are feeling tired, exhausted, worn thin ("like butter scraped over too much bread," as Bilbo Baggins put it) these days.

But why?

Psychologist and speaker Naomi Holdt beautifully explained what's behind the overarching exhaustion people are feeling as we close out 2022, and it makes perfect sense. Holdt is a psychologist, author, and speaker with over two decades of experience, and specializes in the emotional well-being of children and young adults. She is also the author of "How to Raise Resilient Kids and Teens."

In a post on Facebook, she wrote:

"A gentle reminder about why you are utterly exhausted…

No one I know began this year on a full tank. Given the vicious onslaught of the previous two years (let’s just call it what it was) most of us dragged ourselves across the finish line of 2021… frazzled, spent, running on aged adrenaline fumes…

We crawled into 2022 still carrying shock, trauma, grief, heaviness, disbelief… The memories of a surreal existence…

And then it began… The fastest hurricane year we could ever have imagined. Whether we have consciously processed it or not, this has been a year of more pressure, more stress, and a race to 'catch up' in all departments… Every. Single. One. Work, school, sports, relationships, life…

Though not intentionally aware, perhaps hopeful that the busier we are, the more readily we will forget… the more easily we will undo the emotional tangle… the more permanently we will wipe away the scarring wounds…

We can’t.

And attempts to re-create some semblance of 'normal' on steroids while disregarding that for almost two years our sympathetic nervous systems were on full alert, has left our collective mental health in tatters. Our children and teens are not exempt. The natural byproduct of fighting a hurricane is complete and utter exhaustion…

So before you begin questioning the absolutely depleted and wrung-dry state you are in- Pause. Breathe. Remind yourself of who you are and what you have endured. And then remind yourself of what you have overcome.

Despite it all, you’re still going. (Even on the days you stumble and find yourself face down in a pile of dirt).


tired, exhausted, wicker chair, psychology, tired woman, A tired woman relaxing in a chair.via Canva/Photos

Understanding brings compassion… Most of the world’s citizens are in need of a little extra TLC at the moment. Most are donning invisible 'Handle with care' posters around their necks and 'Fragile' tattoos on their bodies…

Instead of racing to the finish line of this year, tread gently.

Go slowly. Amidst the chaos, find small pockets of silence. Find compassion. Allow the healing. And most of all… Be kind. There’s no human being on earth who couldn’t use just a little bit more of the healing salve of kindness."

Putting it like that, of course, we're exhausted. We're like a person who thinks they're feeling better at the end of an illness, so they dive fully back into life, only to crash midday because their body didn't actually have as much energy as their brain thought it did. We tried to fling ourselves into life, desperate to feel normal and make up for lost time, without taking the time to fully acknowledge the impact of the past two years or to fully recover and heal from it.


tired, exhausted, wicker chair, psychology, tired woman, A tired woman laying on the couch.via Canva/Photos

Of course, life can't just stop, but we do need to allow some time for our bodies, minds, and spirits to heal from what they've been through. The uncertainty, the precariousness of "normal," the after-effects of everything that upended life as we knew it are real. The grief and trauma of those who have experienced the worst of the pandemic are real. The overwhelm of our brains and hearts as we try to process it all is real.

So let's be gentle with one another and ourselves as we roll our harried selves into another new year. We could all use that little extra measure of grace as we strive to figure out what a true and healthy "normal" feels like.

You can follow Naomi Holdt on Facebook.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Pack your bags, America. Portugal just became the number 1 place we all want to escape to

Other top-requested countries include Spain, Canada, and Italy.

Photo credit: Canva

Americans are seeking a new life abroad.

Have you been doom-scrolling through an endless news cycle, filled with rising housing prices, impossible-to-pay healthcare bills, and polarizing political upheaval lately? Is all that doom and gloom making you want to seek greener pastures—perhaps overseas? Well, you're not alone. Over 116,000 Americans have been feeling the exact same way, quietly researching their escape routes, and they're all leading to the same place: Portugal.

According to a survey conducted by Expatsi, a company that helps U.S. citizens move abroad, Portugal is officially the number one destination where Americans want to relocate. And why not? Although it may lack the name recognition and star power of other European countries like Spain, Italy, or France, Portugal has plenty to offer Americans seeking a different way of life.


woman, portugal, expat, moving, abroadPortugal has an incredible wealth of opportunities for American expats. Photo credit: Canva

“Portugal rose to prominence by offering friendly programs for taxes and visas for foreigners, including allowing them to gain residency through buying homes,” explains Expatsi co-founder Jen Barnett. Even though many of these benefits are no longer offered, the exposure Portugal received was enough to turn heads. “People are now more aware of what else it has to offer,” Barnett continues. “Lower cost of living, better quality of life, more safety, and warm and welcoming people.”

What else the survey tells us

The numbers revealed by the Expatsi survey unmask a story that's equal parts relatable, fascinating, and slightly bone-chilling. Why do Americans want to leave the country in the first place? The number one reason is predictable: to find adventure, enrichment, and growth overseas. Beyond that, 56% of survey respondents said that the U.S. had become too conservative, and 53% cited political divisions as their primary motivation for wanting to leave. Roughly half of all respondents also claimed that they wanted to move away to avoid the threat of gun violence.


portugal, expat, moving, abroad, beautifulSome Americans want to move as soon as six months. Photo credit: Canva

Some survey respondents said they were actively looking to move soon, with 12% hoping to relocate within the next six months. Then there were the cost of living statistics: 41% of survey respondents said they hoped to save money by living abroad, while 30% said they hoped to retire. While the average price to rent a one-bedroom apartment in New York City or San Francisco can set you back somewhere between $2,800 to $3,500 per month, a similar-sized place in Lisbon falls in the ballpark of $1,300 to $1,700. Let's compare monthly utilities: in the U.S., that'll be around $186 per month. In Portugal, around $35. Even a nice dinner can put things into perspective—in most major American cities, that can cost around $80, while in Portugal, it'll be a mere $40. Overall, the cost of living in Portugal is a whopping 36%–48% lower than the U.S., encompassing rent, groceries, dining, healthcare, transportation, and more.

A different pace of life

Elizabeth Burke from Washington, D.C., has been visiting Portugal annually since 2016 and plans to retire there within five years. “No matter where you go in Portugal, there's a sense of calm,” she tells reporters. “You land in Faro, and you feel like you can breathe. There's a feeling in the air of happiness and peace.”

That sense of peace isn't just something you feel—it's measurable. Portugal ranks as the 7th safest country in the world, while the U.S. sits at a sobering 132nd place. The healthcare situation is equally eye-opening. While Americans spend an average of $10,586 per person on healthcare, Portuguese residents spend just $2,785, thanks to universal coverage. Private health insurance is also more affordable, costing $50–$100 monthly in Portugal, compared to $600–$900 in America.



But perhaps the most compelling draw for many Americans is the promise of something they've long given up on: a real work-life balance. Within the last decade, Portugal has passed groundbreaking legislation to protect workers' mental health. Employers are legally banned from contacting employees outside of work hours, and companies must fully compensate remote workers for home office expenses like Wi-Fi, electricity, and technology. Imagine that! It's the kind of worker protection that many Americans can't even fathom, as we're accustomed to constantly checking emails and paying out-of-pocket for work expenses.

Next stop… Portugal?

It's no surprise that the American expat population in Portugal is exploding: since 2017, it's grown by 200% with nearly 10,000 Americans now calling Portugal their European home. And they're not all retirees or billionaires with summer vacation homes, either. Thanks to the country's Digital Nomad Visa, non-EU citizens can live and work remotely in Portugal as long as they have proof of employment with a non-Portuguese company and a minimum monthly income of about $2,750. Visa holders can apply for temporary or long-term residency under this program, which can lead to permanent residency or even citizenship. Portugal also offers attractive tax incentives for remote workers, like the Non-Habitual Resident (NHR) program, which can provide impressive tax benefits for up to 10 years.


via GIPHY


The numbers don't lie: Americans are tired of the way things work here, and they're actively seeking escape routes. Many are questioning why they should wait for conditions to improve at home when Portugal offers greater affordability, safety, and quality of life. Increasingly, these same people are realizing their answer may lie abroad.

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Joy

Relationship experts give three good reasons for staying friends with your ex

"Friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible."

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A an ex-couple laughs together.

Breakups are never fun. In fact, they can be downright excruciating. But the aftermath doesn't have to be. The truth is we often click with people, get swept away by potential, love them in a big way and then watch the whole thing run its course. Or worse, get blindsided by their change of heart when yours is still bleeding for them.

break-ups, love, heartbreak, friendshipA sad message on a bathroom wall. Photo by Maria Oswalt on Unsplash

The question that so often comes is: where does the love go? Are there enough ingredients of affection that you can salvage and repurpose it into a friendship? Many relationship experts (and non-experts around the world) have differing opinions.

Some supply these answers by asking questions. In the article "3 Ways to Know if Staying Friends with an Ex is Possible – By a Psychologist" for Forbes, Mark Travers, PhD, states there are a few basic questions you should ask yourself before making this decision.

1) Were you friends before you dated?

Travers shares, "A classic study conducted by researchers at Illinois State University found that ex-partners were significantly more likely to remain friends after their breakup if they were friends before beginning their romantic relationship."

2) Why do you think your ex wants to remain friends?

Travers cites another study at the University of Kansas which claims there are "four main motivations for staying friends with an ex-romantic partner." They are: "Security, Practicality, Civility, Unresolved romantic desires." He notes that if the friendship is motivated by the latter (unresolved romantic desires), it's probably unlikely and ill-advised to pursue a platonic relationship post-breakup.

3) Why do YOU want to remain friends?

Again, Travers urges one to ask themselves what their motivation is. Do you have lingering feelings? Are you just not good with change? Is it a Band-Aid until you can fully explore your feelings?

friendship, breakup, heartbreak, loveFriendship necklace breaking. Giphy GIF by Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Other therapists offer up ways to help self-reflect as well. In Vogue India, Jenna Ryu writes, "Deciding to keep this person in your life isn’t just about whether you can make it work. It’s also about whether it’s healthy and mutually beneficial in the long run."

She cites Zoe Shaw, PsyD, and host of Stronger in the Difficult Places podcast, who has a few questions of her own, including in part: "Have you had enough time since the break-up to think clearly? Do you still feel hurt, resentment, or nostalgia about the breakup? Could I still be friends with them if they started dating someone new?"

So let's say you pass the test questions and your reasons for wanting to stay friends, although not always black-and-white, come from a healthy and secure place. (And, of course, there's no toxic energy that's unresolved.) Then the following are absolute reasons you SHOULD stay buds:

  • You simply like one another.
  • Your lives are intertwined (you share a child, a pet, a group of friends) and it's just easier to be civil.
  • You were already friends before you got romantic—no reason to change it.

Redditors have thoughts. In the subreddit r/BreakUps, someone simply asks, "Did you stay friends with your ex?" Hundreds of comments flood the page, and they don't hold back. Some are all for it. "It sound weird but I don't want to not be friends with him as he is someone I care about dearly."

Others, not so much: "Absolutely not. You don’t want all of me, you don’t get the bits you do want."

breakups, friendship, love, heartbreak A man clearly states he's breaking up with you.Giphy Amazon Prime Video, I Want You Back movie

And still some give thoughtful, yet complicated answers: "To be friends with an ex, one needs to stop caring—stop caring about the romantic relationship. One must be able to say, 'I would be okay to go out to dinner with my ex-partner and her new boyfriend/fiancé.'"

One person notes, "Friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible."

But for this person, it's probably out of the question: "She tried to stab me with a screwdriver."

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Mental Health

Woman discovers trick to instantly feel better about how you look in photos: 'ZOOM OUT I beg'

"I promise you’ll look back at those photos ... and see the bigger picture."

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25-year-old woman urges people to stop zooming in on photos.

Millennials in the early 2000s were really enjoying the perks of digital photos and cameras, which were relatively new at the time. I know, it's hard to imagine. We had small, physical cameras with memory cards that we'd carry around with us on a night out, even just to the bar. We would take photos all night—hundreds and hundreds of them. They were blurry, poorly lit, and candid. People were always making awkward faces in the background or being shown at unflattering angles.

We didn't care. We posted every single one of them to a Facebook album, tagged our friends, and let them live there permanently. Can you imagine?!

Things work a little differently now. Our online lives are a lot more curated. We don't post every photo we take, and in fact, all of us intuitively utilize a careful vetting process when we take group pictures or selfies. We snap the pic, or a few, and immediately go to look how it turned out. If it doesn't meet the standards of how we want ourselves to look in a public facing photo, it doesn't get posted. Worse, it might be deleted on the spot, the memory of that moment vanishing forever.

body image, selfies, photography, photos, body positivity, self esteem, self worth, psychology, technologyTake me back to when we hardly cared what we looked like in selfies.Giphy

25-year-old Emma-Kirsty Fraser has a theory on why we seem to be so much more selective, even flat out disgusted, with pictures of ourselves these days: It's the damn zoom.

In a recent Instagram reel, Fraser posted a photo of herself as the camera zoomed in the parts of her body she tends to over-examine in photos: Her arms, chin, midsection, and legs.

"Image the brainwashing required to get us to see this," she says as the camera bounces around to all the most self-critiqued parts of her body. "Instead of this!"

The camera then cuts to the full photo, of Fraser laughing and chatting with friends. It's a fun and beautiful moment, full of life. It captures a moment in time, friendship, love, and joy. No one in their right mind would see the photo and have any thoughts whatsoever about the shape of her chin or the size of her arms. But we've all been conditioned to hyper-analyze every pixel when it comes to our own body and how we think we come across in photos.

"ZOOM OUT I beg ... I think it’s quite terrifying when you realise how much brainwashing it took to get you to zoom in and criticise yourself in so much detail? Like if you showed 8 year old Emma a photo of herself there’s no way she would zoom in," Fraser captioned the post.

"There is so much more to life than the way your body looks and I promise you’ll look back at those photos (because you’re not going to delete them anymore!!!) and see the bigger picture, not your skin/body/blemishes."

Believe it or not, "pinch zooming" in on photos is a relatively new phenomenon that cropped up within the last 20 years.

Most experts credit (or blame, depending on your point of view) the iPhone with innovating and popularizing the feature around 2007. In a few years, it was available on Android phones as well. It didn't take long from there for us to ditch our Nikon Coolpix cameras and start exclusively taking photographs on our phones, quickly learning that we could spot and delete our double-chin moments before anyone saw them.

(Smartphones with cameras officially overtook digital cameras around 2007 but didn't become completely ubiquitous until about 2012-2013.)

The world, and our body image, was never the same.

body image, selfies, photography, photos, body positivity, self esteem, self worth, psychology, technologyResist the urge to zoom in on your most sensitive features. Photo by Antoine Beauvillain on Unsplash

Fraser's post went viral, racking up 30,000 Likes on Instagram and over three million views.

Commenters were so grateful for the message they so desperately needed to hear:

"the fact i saw this picture and ONLY thought about how it was such a beautiful candid & captured your vibe perfectly"

"At first ... I saw nothing wrong with her. But if this was a photo of ME, tell why would I suddenly see all the flaws?"

"At first, I thought we were talking about the tattoos, the accessories, etc. because I saw nothing wrong with her. But if this was a photo of ME, tell why would I suddenly see all the flaws?"

"I'm 41, I still really REALLY struggle with this, I zoom in on every photo and criticise every flaw and a "bad" photo can bring down my body image for days. But I've started refusing to delete and coming back to photos after a day or so and slowly I'm learning to realise they often aren't as "bad" as my initial reaction would suggest."

"I struggled to see what you were talking about but then I imagined if it was me and I could see what might be perceived as issues. Kinda sad."

Fraser's words really struck a nerve, and she managed to capture a feeling and phenomenon that we all intuitively understand but rarely talk about.

When we look at photos of others, we see the big picture. We see their smile and the emotion of the photo, we take in the moment. We don't nitpick. So why do we do it to ourselves?

Body image and pressure to look "perfect" is about as bad, or worse, than its ever been—in part because the online world is so heavily curated. Real people are quieter and harder to find on social media, and instead we see more and more perfect-looking influencers and celebrities. Photos are easy to edit, touch up, or apply filters to. The real, blurry, awkward photos of the early 2000s are gone and probably never coming back.

But we can fight back in one very simple way. Just zoom out. Don't inspect your belly, your smile, or whatever your perceived flaws are. Enjoy the picture for what it is, a snapshot of a moment in time. Try to view it like a stranger would. And, for the love of God, don't be so quick to delete the memories that you can't get back.

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