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Neuroscientist shares the trick to stop worrying about what other people think of you

Imagine how freeing it'd be to stop caring what other people think.

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A young woman is feeling rather insecure.

Everyone cares what others think about them because it’s part of our nature. We want to be loved and accepted by our social pack or tribe because it’s essential to survival. Historically, those excluded from their tribes have faced having to live on their own and lost access to valuable resources. In some ways, as humans, social excursion is tantamount to death.

However, caring too much about other people's thoughts can also become a huge problem. Obsession with other people’s opinions can lead to actions that contradict our core beliefs. It can also lead to low self-esteem and prevent people from doing what they like because they fear being judged.

This can be incredibly challenging in today’s world when we have to deal with other people’s opinions online. Whether it’s a comment on an Instagram post or scrolling through Facebook and reading someone's views on politics or pop culture, we are constantly faced with other people’s opinions.

How do we stop caring about what other people think?

How do we step back and develop a healthier relationship with other people’s opinions? Daniel Glaser, a renowned neuroscientist, says we can start by changing the stories we tell ourselves. “I have this person in my head called the ‘critic’ or the ‘editor,’ and at my worst, I’m incredibly good at conjuring up the person who would be most critical of my performance,” he told Vogue. “As a species, we’ve evolved to tell stories about ourselves, to create narratives. We make things real, and then those things change how we act.”

insecure, other people's opinions, young woman A young woman looking in the mirror.via Canva/Photos

Glaser says that to stop worrying about other people’s opinions, we need to imagine someone being very pleased and positive with ourselves. “The trick isn’t to not care what others think, but to care about the right people,” he says. It’s like when you tell yourself not to think of an elephant; that’s all you can think of. Instead, think about someone being pleased with your Instagram post before you put it up or think about someone loving your art before you show it to people.

“If you’re trying to plan projects, imagine a specific person saying a really cool thing…so the trick isn’t to stop yourself thinking of other people but to vividly conjure up someone who’s delighted with what you’ve done,” Glaser continues.

The trick: Think about someone thinking of you positively.

How to stop caring about other people's opinions

Mark Manson, the author of “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k” is a bit of an expert on not caring what other people think, and he has a different way of seeing things than Glaser. He believes that if we care too much about what other people think, we need to start elevating our game and doing things that are so important that other people’s opinions don’t matter.

insecure, other people's opinions, young woman A young woman doesn't care about a man's opinion.via Canva/Photos

“When you have something truly important in your life, something you’re willing to be ridiculed for, that’s when you’ll stop caring about others’ opinions. Ironically, that’s also when people start respecting you,” Manson wrote on his blog. “Imagine a burning building with a baby trapped inside. If you were the only one who could save the baby, you wouldn’t care what others thought. You’d run into the fire without hesitation. That’s an extreme example, but the principle applies to everyday life.”

Manson suggests asking yourself: What’s so important in your life that you’re willing to be ridiculed for it?

If you’ve been wondering how to stop caring what other people think, you’ve already taken an important first step in confronting the issue. But understand that there is a reason why you care what others think; the key is to find a balance where those opinions won’t stop you from being yourself and doing what you love.

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People who are 'good at flirting' are sharing the clues that tell if someone likes you

Here are 15 great tips.

via Pexels

Are they flirting with me or just being nice?

Most of the time it’s tough to know if someone is flirting with you because they have to be subtle. They can’t be too obvious because if the feeling isn’t mutual it can be pretty embarrassing. It’s also tough to detect if someone is flirting because most of the time it’s someone you don’t know very well. Do they like me or are they normally friendly?

It hurts to imagine the number of times we’ve all missed signals that someone was interested in us and a potentially wonderful romance never happened. However, studies show that it happens more often than not.

A study on heterosexuals published in Psychology Today found that women were only 18% accurate in recognizing men’s flirting, while 36% of men were accurate about women's flirting. However, we’re really good at knowing when people aren’t flirting with us.

In the same study, women were 83% accurate in seeing friendliness as just friendliness, and men performed about the same at 84% accuracy.

Jeffery Hall, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, says there are five main styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere, and playful.

Physical flirting involves “communicating sexual interest” to a potential partner. Traditional flirting is a tactic primarily used by introverts, where men tend to take the lead and women assume a passive role. Polite flirting involves the use of “proper manners” and is a cautious way of showing you like someone.

Sincere flirting involves telling the person you’re interested, and playful flirts like joking around but their efforts rarely turn into substantial relationships.

A Reddit user, who has since deleted their profile, asked a great question on the AskReddit subforum that should be a big help to those who have a hard time spotting flirtation. They asked, "People who are good at flirting, what are some social cues us oblivious people should watch out for?"

A large number of people who responded to the thread gave practical advice on the behaviors that are a giveaway that someone is flirting. The most popular responses are eye contact and laughing at your jokes, even if they aren’t funny.

Here are 15 of our favorite social cues that show someone is interested.

1. The dance of plausible deniability.

"Everyone is giving good advice, but flirting didn't click for me until i heard it described not as a set of behaviors to look out for, but as an escalation of suggestive behaviors couched in plausible deniability.

"Put practically, if someone is doing something to engage you that feels extra (lots of touching, looking at you in a way that feels a bit to long, or doing a lot of poking fun and complimenting you), then that might be flirting or it might not. That's the whole point. Plausible deniability. They can safely disengage at any time.

"If you want to know if someone's flirting, you need to test it. You do that by escalating things, but just a bit, so that now you have plausible deniability (touch them back in a comfortable way, maintain eye contact, or joke-compliment them back). If they escalate back and continue to do so as you escalate in turn, that is flirting. Eventually one of you will break cover and do something with clear intent (a kiss, an approach + ask for a number, or straight up telling them what you think of them and that you're interested). Otherwise, if you escalate and they don't change their behavior or they back off, then they were probably just being friendly and you should take the hint and do the same.

"Dunno if that's something obvious to people, but it was definitely not for me, and college parties would have been way less fun had i not known. Hopefully this can help someone else too :)" – three_furballs

2. Give 'em a chance to be alone.

"If you're in a group of friends (new or old), find a natural opportunity to hang back. Someone who's interested in you will notice and take the opportunity to talk to you in private. Now this isn't full [fool] proof but it'll at least give you the opportunity to feel for any chemistry between you." – Kagamid

3. Conversation should be two-sided.

"Be wary of a one-sided conversation. If your responses are met with mostly "yeps" and "uh huh" and nothing without meat, its probably not going well." – ViciousKnids

4. Ignoring their friend.

"If they look directly at you while talking to their friend it's a good sign." – yassis_bru

5. The reaction shot.

"I read once that if someone looks at you after someone (doesn't have to be you) said something funny and everyone is laughing, they like you. From personal experience, it's true." – luv_sicK

6. Lots of eye contact.

"They make a lot of eye contact. They are interested in what you have to say and ask you lots of questions. They laugh at your jokes, even the lame ones. They initiate physical contact. They try to find space where you can talk more privately (this does not always mean sex but it often means they wish for more quality time with you)." – TheSurfingRaichu

7. Trust then test.

"In my experience, almost everyone can get a sense that someone is into them, but most people second guess themselves until they convince themselves it's nothing. I say trust that sense. It's based off all of these factors that we pick up consciously and subconsciously, and almost always it's not a coincidence.

"When you think someone likes you, you can test that theory in a few ways. A subtle but effective example is inviting them to something you know they can't or don't want to attend. If they express interest in rescheduling or finding some other way to spend time with you, they like you. Otherwise they'll just say no, sorry I can't make it ... Of course, you could also just ask. In my experience anyone worth getting intimate with is mature enough to deal with that question." – MildlyWyld

8. Mirroring.

"Does their body turn toward you or away from you when you talk? Do they mirror your body language?" – Perfect_Draw516

9. They touch you.

"Physical contact. Granted, not everyone flirts the same way but a good sign is if they touch your arm (or the like) or you find them smiling the whole time that you’re talking to them." – Cosmic_Marman

10. Special eye contact.

"When you're in a public space, the direct eye contact (for a beat or two too long) and the look away. One of my go-to moves that always yielded results." – LuLu42

11. Bad jokes.

"Seriously tell a bad joke - look for laughter and smiles that should not be there but are. Then it’s you they are into, definitely not what you said." – YukonBrawler

12. Facial gestures.

"According to Sherlock: licking lips, eyes cast down towards the other persons lips, quirky smile of the lips, dilated eyes. And if the person has long hair, tucking it behind their ear or other fidgety behavior." – fandomfangirl1

13. Mimicking body language.

"In the case of someone who likes you, while interacting, watch for repetitious patterns and mimic their body language. Eventually, if you cross your arms and the person whose attention you are seeking does the same, for example, you can rely on that being a good sign." – flungkle

14. Little adjustment.

"I've noticed that women will do a little adjustment to you, like brushing off a little piece of lint off your lapel or moving a stray hair off your face while talking to you. At least they did back in my rogue days." – robfrankel1

15. Take your shot.

"If you're at a bar and a woman makes eye contact for more than a second without looking away, shoot your shot." – sle7in360

There you have it! If you're picking up any of these signs, it might mean you can go ahead and shoot your shot (respectfully!). Good luck out there!

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Health

Interesting video explains why people looked a lot older in the past than they do today

Were people unhealthy? Did they spend too much time in the sun?

via Vsauce/YouTube

Norm was only in his 30s?

Ever look at your parents' high school yearbooks and think people looked so much older back then? All of the teenagers look like they’re in their mid-30s and the teachers who are 50 look like they’re 80. When we watch older movies, even those from the 1980s, the teenagers appear to be a lot older as well. Why is it that they looked so much older? Was life harder? Did people act more mature? Did they spend more time outdoors and less time playing video games? Is it their sense of fashion? Were they all smokers?

Educator Michael Stevens, who runs the super-popular Vsauce YouTube channel, explains the phenomenon in a new video called, “Did people used to look older?” In the video, he explains that people in the past appear a lot older due to a phenomenon known as retrospective aging.

When we see people in the past, they are wearing outdated styles that we associate with older people; therefore, we think they have aged rapidly. For example, a teenager in the 1950s may have been in fashion while wearing thick Buddy Holly-style glasses.

But as people age, they tend to cling to the fashion of their youth. So many people of that generation continued to wear the Buddy Holly-style glasses into their 50s. So when younger people see those glasses they see them as old people's glasses and not a hip kid from the '50s.

So in the photo from the '50s, the teen appears to look a lot older because our perspective has been tainted by time.

But it isn’t all just an illusion. Stevens also points out that people did age faster back in the day due to differences in nutrition, lifestyle and medicine.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Perceptive guy has a lightening-strike realization about why boys aren't raised to be men

We're emphasizing the wrong things.

via Canva/Photos

A man can't seem to understand his emotions.

A TikToker named Divunsolicited is catching a lot of attention for a video where he explains a big way that society is hurting both men and women by the way we are raising boys. “A harsh reality is most men are not taught to be men when they're growing up as boys,” Divunsolicited says. “They're just taught how not to be women.” The realization came after he heard his aunt tell his cousin not to do something because “that’s what girls do.”

First, telling a boy not to do something because girls do it, regardless of the behavior, is both denigrating to women and teaching children inappropriate gender stereotypes. It also begs a fundamental question: If I’m not supposed to do girly things? What’s the appropriate thing to do as a boy, who will one day be a man?

“You always hear, don't cry, that's what girls do. Oh, you throw like a girl. Oh, girls are emotional,” Divunsolicited continued. “Only girls do that. Oh, you. You care about what you look like. That's what girls do. Or you wash your face and use face lotion and. And use moisturizer. That's what girls do.”

@adivunsolicited
most boys are raised how not to be girls but never really taught how to be men, there's so much discovery and figuring out how to manage your emotions, how to express yourself and how to become a good man #blacktiktok #parentsoftiktok #millennial #raisingboys #explorer #fypシ゚viral

He goes on to make the point that because there is such a stigma for boys who behave in a feminine way, it leaves them emotionally stunted as men because they aren’t allowed to show their emotions. “So what happens is, I think men become these repressed adults that become irrationally emotional until they act out,” Divunsolicited says. "And that's when you get fist fights, that's when you get men punching the wall. That's when you get men crashing out.”

Psychologists agree that when men can't express their emotions in a healthy way, they experience a "covert depression" that manifests as apathy, boredom, cynicism, and a limited range of emotions.

How to teach positive masculine traits

So, what are some positive, positive masculine characteristics that we should be teaching young boys? A group of researchers created a framework for teaching school-age boys positive masculine traits, and they came up with these 3 ways to “be”:

Being connected — To the self and others, forming interpersonal relationships based on respect, open communication, and non-violence.
Being motivated — Intrinsic motivation to engage with and contribute effectively to society beyond social pressures.
Being authentic — Comfort in enacting commitment to one’s values. Capacity to adopt flexibility around the emotional restriction and stoicism in help-seeking.

fathers and sons, positive masculinty, soccer A father and son watching a soccer match. via Canva/Photos

“From this mindset, we have courage, confidence, and the flexibility to hear others and even learn that we might be wrong,” Nick Norman, LICSW, writes for Psychology Today. “Our worth is no longer on trial, constantly measured against a suffocating definition of manhood. Instead, we are grounded within ourselves and can approach the world from a place of integrity and compassion, both for others and ourselves.”

Divunsolicited understands that many men were taught the wrong way to express their feelings as children. Still, he believes that things are headed in the right direction because millennials are raising a generation of men who have a healthier connection to their emotions. “And I think the more men are able to have and express themselves the more they're impart that until their children,” he concludes the video.

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Why time seems to accelerate as we get older and what we can do to slow it down

How time works is totally trippy, but there are some "tricks" to change how our brains process it.

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Time is weird.

You're going along, minding your own business on the internet, when suddenly this little gem comes across your timeline:

1980 to 2023 = 1937 to 1980. How can that math be right? Kevin Smith/GenX Only Facebook Group

Your first reaction is, "Nuh-uh, no way," so you pull out the calculator to do the math yourself—several times because you're sure you must've missed a number somewhere. You remember how long ago 1937 seemed in 1980, and there's no possible way that much time has passed between 1980 and now. Then, as the warped reality of time washes over you, you sit and stare in stunned silence, contemplating the existential crisis.

Why does time work this way? Why does it seem to get faster and faster and condense to make decades seem shorter and shorter as we age? And perhaps more importantly, how the heck do we stop time from feeling like a runaway freight train?

Here are a few theories about what creates the freight train phenomenon.

Time perception is relative—and kids perceive it differently

"Time flies when you're having fun" is a saying for a reason. Time also drags when you're doing drudgery work and feels like it stands still in moments of significance. And yet the ticking of seconds as they go by doesn't change tempo. We measure it with steady, unchanging beats, but how it feels changes constantly.

This relativity exists in every passing moment, but it also exists in the bigger picture as well. The years felt like they passed by much more slowly when we were children, and by middle age, they feel like they pass in the blink of an eye. The pandemic gave us an even greater sense of this relativity as disruptions to our normal routines and the stress associated with the COVID-19 years messed with our sense of time. (On an odd side note, surveys show that our time perception during the pandemic varied a lot from place to place—people in some parts of the world felt that time moved more slowly, while others felt time moved more quickly.)

According to a 2023 Hungarian study published in Nature Scientific Reports, very young children perceive time differently than older children and adults. Researchers split 138 people into three age groups—pre-kindergarten, school-age and adults 18 and over—and showed them two videos of the same duration, one that was "eventful" and one that was "uneventful." Interestingly, the pre-K group perceived the eventful video to be longer, while the older children and adults saw the uneventful video as longer.

The way the study participants described the length of the videos in gestures was also telling. Young children were much more likely to use vertical hand gestures, connoting volume or magnitude, to indicate a length of time than the other two age groups. School-aged kids and adults tended to use horizontal gestures, indicating time as linear, increasing with age.

Our neural processing slows down as we age

Professor Adrian Bejan has a theory based on how neurons process signals. As we age, our neural networks increase in size and complexity, and as a result, process visual information at a slower rate. That slower processing means we create fewer mental images each second than we did when we were younger, thereby making time seem to slow down.

“People are often amazed at how much they remember from days that seemed to last forever in their youth, Bejan shared with Harvard University. "It’s not that their experiences were much deeper or more meaningful; it’s just that they were being processed in rapid fire.”

In other words, processing the same number of mental images we did in our youth takes longer now, somewhat counterintuitively making time seem to pass more quickly. So goes the theory, anyway.

It might simply be about time-to-life ratios

Another popular theory about why time feels different as a child than it does as an adult is the ratio of any given day, week or year to the amount of time we've been alive. To a 5-year-old, a year is 20% of their entire life. For a 50-year-old, a year only is 0.2% of their life, so it feels like it went by much more quickly.

It's also a matter of how much change has happened in that year. A year in the life of a 5-year-old is full of rapid growth and change and learning and development. A year in the life of a 50-year-old probably isn't a whole lot different than when they were 48 or 49. Even if there are major life changes, the middle-aged brain isn't evolving at nearly the same rate as a child. A 50-year-old looking back at the past year will have a lot fewer changes to process than a 5-year-old, therefore the year will seems like it went by a lot faster.

“Our perception of days, weeks, years and that kind of time seems to be especially influenced by our perspective: Are we in the moment experiencing it, or are we looking backward on time?” psychology professor Cindy Lustig told the University of Michigan.

The key to slowing it all down? Be mindful of the present moment.

Lustig has a point. When we are in the moment, our perception of time is much different than when we look back. So, being fully conscious in the present moment can help us rein in the freight train effect.

One way to do that is to be mindful of your physical existence in this moment. Feel your heart beating. Feel your breath going in and out. Cornell University psychology professor Adam Anderson, Ph.D., conducted a study that found our perception of time may be linked with the length of our heartbeats. (Study participants were fitted with electrocardiograms and asked to listen to a brief audio tone. They perceived the tone as longer after a longer heartbeat and shorter after a shorter one.) He suggests starting a stopwatch, closing your eyes and focusing on your breathing for what you think feels like a minute. Then, check your time to see how accurate your estimation was.

“This can give you a sense of how much your experience of your body is related to your experience of time,” Anderson told WebMD. “It will help teach you to enjoy the pure experience of time.”

You can also use focused breathing to purposely slow down your heart rate, and thus slow down your time perception. “We show that slow heart rates—that is, a longer duration between heartbeats—dilates time, slowing it down," Anderson said.

Finally, try to take in the world the way you did as a small child. Take note of life's wonders. Engage fully in whatever you're doing. Notice details and take mental pictures as much as you can. Time goes by fast when we're distracted, so training our attention on the here and now can help. Ultimately, we can strive to perceive time more like we did when we were little, in its full depth and magnitude instead of a narrow, straight line.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Belgian Olympic marathoner breaks down in tears of disbelief upon hearing she finished 28th

38-year-old Mieke Gorissen had only been training for three years and the Olympics was just her third marathon.

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Mieke Gorissen

Imagine deciding to take up a hobby that usually requires many years to perfect at age 35, and three years later ending up in the top 30 in the world at the highest international competition for it.

That's what happened to a 38-year-old math and physics teacher from Diepenbeek, Belgium. According to Runner's World, Mieke Gorissen has jogged 10km (a little over six miles) a few times a week for exercise for many years. But in 2018, she decided to hire a running trainer to improve her technique. As it turned out, she was a bit of a natural at distance running.

Three years later, Gorissen found herself running her third marathon. But not just any old marathon (as if there were such a thing)—the marathon at the Tokyo Olympics. And not only did she compete with the world's most elite group of runners, she came in 28th out of the 88 competing in the race.

With the heat and humidity in Tokyo, even completing the race was a major accomplishment. (Fifteen women competing did not finish the marathon.) But to come in in the top 30 when you just started focusing on distance running three years ago? Unbelievable.

In fact, Gorissen could hardly believe it herself. A video of her reaction upon hearing her results has gone viral for its purity and genuine humility. "No," she said when a reporter told her she came in 28th in the race. "That's not possible."

Then she burst into tears.

Her emotional disbelief is so moving. "I was already happy to finish the race," she said through sobs. "I do think I have reached my goal and that I can be happy."

"I also think I lost a toenail," she added, laughing.

Even after the English translation ends in the video, it's clear how much this finish meant to her. A remarkable accomplishment for a 38-year-old who knits and reads for fun and who has only run two marathons prior to competing in the Olympics.

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According to her Olympic profile, she's glad she got started with distance running later in life. "If I started running in my teens, it wouldn't have been good for me," she said. "I wasn't really happy then, I would have been too hard on myself and I would have lost myself in it in a way that wasn't healthy. It came at exactly the right time."

Congratulations, Mieke. You've given us all the inspiration to set new goals and dream bigger than we ever thought possible.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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New psych study reveals what helps older people live happier lives: Investing in the young

Contributing to the next generation benefits all generations

Photo credit: Canva

Older people benefit from investing in, offering experience, and hanging with younger folks.

When we get older, we want to get better. Sure, we will tire more quickly and more often than our younger selves, but that doesn’t mean we want our later years to be ones of boredom, solitude, and stagnation. Well, a recent study is showing the secret to a more fulfilling and happier life when you become a senior. The answer? Giving back to the youth.

A study published in the The Journals of Gerontology: Series B is showing that the majority of seniors that live healthier, happier, and more fulfilling lives express a trait known as “generativity.” Generativity is a concern for people aside from family, most notably younger generations. It’s the desire to engage and guide with the “whippersnappers” on a societal level through social interactions and service.

Older volunteers can help boost community projects, like a neighborhood garden, alongside younger adults.Photo credit: Canva

“Contrary to popular perceptions of old age as a period of decline and inactivity, a growing body of empirical research and the lived experiences of many people reveal a different reality,” said Mohsen Joshanloo, the author of the study and an associate professor at Keimyung University. “Old age can be a time of fulfillment, productivity, and meaningful social contribution, with generativity playing a critical role in promoting active and successful aging.”

The traits within older people who practice generativity are also ones that happen to make a person happier and more whole during their senior years. They are more energetic and active, usually due to having more social connections with people from different generations and thus being more physically active to keep up with them. Generativity also tends to make elders more open to new experiences and encourage curiosity, which in turn gives them more exposure to different kinds of people from different demographics. Their willingness to share their wisdom and experience with the youth promotes more cognitive function to keep up with them, and engaging conversations keep the brain more practiced and elastic.

In short, the best thing we can do for ourselves for our lives as we get older is to team up with folks who are younger!

There is no real "us versus them" when it comes to generations (except in chess games).Photo credit: Canva

If you have scrolled through the internet on your phone, you are bound to have seen a wide variety of boomer versus Millennial versus Gen Z and back again articles, videos, TikToks, and other forms of content. You may have even read or seen some of them here on Upworthy. But while many of these articles are intended to be good fun in poking at the various generational “teams,” there are also many that focus on the division and derision among them.

But every generation eventually gets old. It’s for the best everyone involved to push aside stereotypes and look at what we can offer the generation below us. After all, in exchange for experience to the youth, the youth can provide knowledge of the new. A bit of senior wisdom can provide youthful energy and execution of that wisdom. Who knows, maybe age won’t be anything really but a number?

Just chatting over coffee can do wonders for people of all ages.Photo credit: Canva

So if you’re an older person, get involved! Join community volunteer groups with the youngsters. Have coffee with your 30-something-year-old neighbors next door. Teach that teenager across the hall how to play chess. Go to the local high school basketball game to cheer them on, even if you don’t have kids that attend there. Be “that old guy” in the yoga class.

The more exposure you have to the youth, the less likely you’ll develop preconceived notions about them. At the same time, they’ll have less preconceived notions about you in return.

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