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Democracy

Hate vs. debate—a tale of two e-mail responses to an article I wrote

Hate vs. debate—a tale of two e-mail responses to an article I wrote
Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

I've been writing for the people of the internet for more than a decade, so I'm used to my fair share of hate mail. I don't generally share the details of my inbox with the public (choosing instead to send screenshots to my close friends so we can vent about the insanity of the world together), but two e-mails I received from people who had similar complaints about an article I wrote seem like they offer a lesson of sorts about how we should—and shouldn't—communicate with each other.

A few months ago, I wrote an article about some people's reactions to the murder of Cannon Hinnant, a 5-year-old North Carolina boy shot and killed by a neighbor while out riding his bike in front of his house. It was a terrible, tragic story. Anti-BLM forces quickly jumped on it, complaining that the national media didn't cover the story like they would if the races were reversed (Hinnant was white, his killer was Black). A #SayHisName campaign accompanied the complaint, usurped from the BLM movement. My piece pointed out the reasons why that complaint was problematic.

You can read the piece here if you want the context for the emails I'm going to share with you.

As with many articles I write, the reactions were split. I got messages from people thanking me for expressing exactly what they had wanted to say, and messages from people who vehemently disagreed. I always a bit amazed when people take the time to track down my e-mail address to share their thoughts on what I write, and I generally appreciate it, even when they're writing to tell me they disagree with me. But the disagreement messages for this article were on a whole other level.

If it were just the one horrible message, I'd write it off as just some whacko. But I got multiple messages and comments that were boiling over with hatred. I had to block one guy from my Facebook page for dropping in to address me—a woman he has never met—as a "hypocritical bitch" and a "f*cking c*nt" with no other arguments made. (Out of curiosity, I took a peek at his profile and found out he was a fitness/performance coach who had volunteered with a kindness initiative. Interesting, huh?)

But the cherry on top of this article's hate mail sundae was this email from a man named Edger. Prepare now for a bunch of profanity. (You might also need a key for this: gfy = go fuck yourself, pos = piece of shit, msm = mainstream media.)

Here we go:

"Say his fucking name!

Your liberal pos article telling us not to compare Cannon Hinnant's murder to the scam blm bs or politicize the tragedy is unbelievably fucked up bitch. THAT is exactly what you motherfuckers have been doing for six fucking months over this blm scam bullshit, so gfy you scumbag pos!!!

We are sick of you leftwing blm socialist scam artist destroying America and will fight to the death for our country. And we will win.

I pray one or better yet all of your kids get cancer and die, so you can feel the pain of what you liberals have done to this innocent family and Americans with your cold hearted liberal left wing politically motivated articles and tweets. All of you heartless and trashy liberal degenerates will pay dearly one day, God willing.

CNN, MSNBC and CNBC did not pick up the story until just a few hours ago and only after the outrage of their deafening silence was raised loudly by patriotic Americans, unlike you msm liberals pos assholes.

You pathetic pieces of shit do not come close to understanding how angry we all are, but you will in November, you corrupt vermin.
HOW DARE YOU EVIL FUCKING SCUM.
FU!!!"

So fun, right? Clearly, the dude has some issues, but this is really not too far off from public comments I receive on Facebook regularly on my articles. Our public discourse has devolved into radicalized idealogues spewing the anger and hatred their chosen media outlets keep them coming hooked on instead of actually discussing ideas and issues.

But it doesn't have to be this way.

Another email I received on this article exemplifies the kind of disagreements we can and should have, even if we're coming from totally different perspectives.

Hi Annie

First if I want to say I'm sorry you were subjected to all those vulgar tirades from those that did not like your article on Cannon. Those were uncalled for and just immature.

But that is not to say I agree with your article. There are some flaws or liberties you took with your argument. The 30 second google search on news stories does come up with hits, but most from Thursday or Friday of last week. When the murder took place on Sunday. One very local News to NC Did report it on Sunday night.

Second, you wrote, on average, three children are killed every day. But that includes those over the age of 12. I don't think 16 thru 18 year old count as children. Those over the age of 12 make up half of the three children. If you focus on the 8 and under group(Which is more appropriate for this case), it's more like one per day. And I'd be willing to bet, In not one case, did a man walk up to a child in the street and shoot him point blank in the face. Just the heinous of this crime should have made more of a National splash.

I am not asking for demanding justice. His killer was caught.

But in these days of all this racial unrest, I truly believe that, if the races were reversed, this would have been the first story on Good Morning America on Monday morning. Wouldn't you agree? Or at least agree that is a good possibility? Of course I can't prove that and can't cite any examples of when this actually happened.

Anyway, I wanted to write and share my thoughts. I am just so tired of the media bias.

Mike

Now, that's a message I can do something with.

The obvious lesson here is "Be like Mike, not like Edger," but how do we get people to do that? As I said, I've been writing on the internet for 10 years. I've written about all kinds of contentious topics, from racism to breastfeeding in public. Up until this year, the foulest message I'd received was on an op-ed I wrote five years ago about not assuming every family does Santa Claus—a take that earned me a "Stop being such a whiny c*nt and stop f*cking up your kids" message to my personal Facebook page. I get messages like that regularly now.

There are ways to discuss our perspectives—assuming your perspective isn't wrapped in denying someone's humanity or basic human rights—with civility and reasoned arguments. I am happy to debate issues and do so frequently, but it's impossible to have a discussion with someone who says they hope your kids get cancer and die. Hatred like that is cancerous itself, but unfortunately it feels like its metastasizing throughout the body politic.

I wish I had a perfect answer for how to stop it, but I don't. All I know is that we won't survive this if we don't figure out something quick.

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Research shows why you should always pet your dog before leaving the house

via Pixabay

One of the most wonderful things about having a dog is how attached they become to their owners. I work from home and my Jack Russel terrier, Scout, lies next to me on his bed for most of the day. The only time he leaves my office is for a sip of water or to go outside and sun his belly on the porch.

That's why whenever I leave the house and can't take Scout with me, I wonder, "Does he miss me? Is he sad that he's alone?" Studies show that our dogs miss us the moment we leave the house and that feeling slowly intensifies until we are gone for about four hours and they have a "plateau of melancholy." That's why the longer you're away, the more excited your dog is when you return home.

The moment I pull up in my car Scout begins to howl like a wolf trying to contact someone who's miles away. It's like, "Dude, I'm 30 feet away. Give me a second to grab the groceries out of the trunk."

Researchers from the Universities of Pisa and Perugia, Italy have found that if you give your dog some affection before you leave the house they'll have less anxiety while you're away.

They conducted experiments with 10 dogs between the ages of one and 11 without attachment issues. The group was composed of seven mixed-breed dogs, one Labrador retriever, one Hovawart, and one Chihuahua.

Participants in the study walked their leashed dogs into a fenced area where they were greeted by a researcher who took their dog's heart rate. In the first test, after the owners walked their dogs into the area, they talked with a researcher for one minute then left without giving the dog any special attention.

In the second test, the dog owners petted the dog during their interaction with the researcher.

In both tests, the owners left the fenced area and hid far enough away so that the dog couldn't smell them.

After the owners left, the dogs looked for them for about three minutes on average. After the owners returned, the researchers measured the dogs' levels of the stress hormone cortisol as well as their heart rates.

The researchers found that whether the dogs were petted or not, their cortisol levels were unchanged. But their heart rate showed a marked decrease if the owners petted them before leaving. Researchers later watched videos of the dogs and found that the ones that were petted showed " behaviors indicative of calmness for a longer period while waiting for the owner's return."

Next time I'm ready to leave the house and Scout follows me to the front door after saying, "Sorry bud, you can't go with me on this trip," I'll kneel down and give him a little extra love and attention.

Maybe that way he won't howl like the house is on fire when I pull up in my car after a trip to the grocery store.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Modern Families

Man hilariously calls out why the trend of giving babies 'old people names' has got to go

“Ma’am. George is a mechanic in his 60s and he can’t work on your car this week because his sugars is running high.”

@mannybuckley/TikTok, Photo credit: Canva

Someone finally said what we're all thinking.

Listen, baby name trends come and go. What was once a hip and cool name will eventually be seen as passé (this coming from someone with a name that is now obsolete, apparently) and names once thought of as old-fashioned will absolutely become cool again. It’s part of the circle of life, like the tides, the seasons, the rising and setting of the sun…accept it.

In fact, this comeback is already happening. According to the Social Security Administration, vintage names like Theodore, Henry, Willam, Charlotte, Evelyn, and Emma are among the top ten most popular baby names of the moment. Jimmy Fallon’s daughters are named Winnie and Frances, for crying out loud.

However, just because there’s been an uptick in names that harken you back to a time when “good show, old sport” was a common phrase, not everyone is on board. Recently, content creator Manny Buckley hilariously put into words what many of us think of these WWII era names.

In a clip posted to his TikTok, Buckley first savagely said, “Y’all went from naming all y’all’s kids Jayden, Cayden, and Aiden, Madison, Addison, and Addylyn to giving them all old people names.” He then recounted being on a train and hearing another call after her toddler, whose name was George.

“Ma’am. George is a mechanic in his 60s and he can’t work on your car this week because his sugars is running high.” Where’s the lie?

@mannybuckley What is this cycle of naming kids!? #names #naming #name ♬ original sound - 𝕄𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕪 𝔹𝕦𝕔𝕜𝕝𝕖𝕪

He didn’t stop there, going on a lighthearted rant about the types of images certain now-popular names actually evoke, like Agnes (a “Florida retiree in her 70s who cannot leave the retirement home”), Ira (an “80 year old Jewish man”), Belinda (a “registered nurse who has been working in the field for 50 years”), and Clifford (a 85-year-old navy vet who needs “all y'all to be quiet”). Nary a kid sounding name in sight, if you ask him.

Though the video was clearly just a lighthearted jab, a few adults came into the comments to defend the use of vintage names.

“We aren’t naming babies. We’re naming people,” one top comment wrote, while another seconded, “Exactly! Some people don’t realize this. They are kids for a very short period of time, then they are adults.”

Still, another quipped, “yeah, but they aren’t senior citizens forever either!” Another wrote “I’m Martha…I’ve been 80 since the first grade.”

A few others, particularly teachers, chimed in with their own equally funny experience of kids having old fashioned names.

I am a kindergarten teacher. I have Marjorie and Brenda. It’s like a 1950’s secretarial pool.

I have kindergarteners named Edyth, Arthur, and Iris. They’re going to form a knitting club at recess.”

“My nephew is Charles lmao and he may only be 2.5, but he is the school maintenance and everyone call uncle.”

“We have Matilda and Cordelia, 4 and 2, shelling beans on the porch. Their nicknames are just as old, Tilly and Della. I love them though.”

And there you have it, folks. We have indeed come full circle. But is it any weirder than the thought of someone calling their Grandma Brittany? I think not.

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Pop Culture

Brit shares the one-word 'dead giveaway' that American actors are doing an English accent

There's one word they never get right.

via Warner Bros Discovery

Peter Dinklage on "Game of Thrones?

When it comes to actors doing accents across the pond, some Americans are known for their great British accents, such as Natalie Portman ("The Other Boleyn Girl"), Robert Downey, Jr. ("Sherlock Homes"), and Meryl Streep ("The Iron Lady").

Some have taken a lot of heat for their cartoonish or just plain weird-sounding British accents, Dick Van Dyke ("Mary Poppins"), Kevin Costner ("Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves") and Keanu Reeves ("Bram Stoker's Dracula").

Some actors, such as Tom Hardy (“The Drop”) and Hugh Laurie (“House”), have American accents so good that people have no idea they are British.

Benedict Townsend, a London-based comedian and host of the “Scroll Deep” podcast, says there is one word that American actors playing characters with a British accent never get right. And no, it’s not the word “Schedule,” which British people pronounce the entire first 3 letters, and Americans boil down to 2. And it’s not “aluminum,” which British and American people seem to pronounce every stinking letter differently.

@benedicttown

The one word American actors aways get wrong when doing an English accent

What word do American actors always get wrong when they do British accents?

“There is one word that is a dead giveaway that an English character in a movie or a TV show is being played by an American. One word that always trips them up. And once you notice it, you can't stop noticing it,” Townsend says. “You would see this lot in ‘Game of Thrones’ and the word that would always trip them up was ‘daughter.’”

Townsend adds that when British people say “daughter,” they pronounce it like the word “door” or “door-tah.” Meanwhile, Americans, even when they are putting on a British accent, say it like “dah-ter.”

“So top tip if you are an actor trying to do an English accent, daughter like a door. Like you're opening a door,” Townsend says.



What word do British actors always get wrong when doing American accents?

Some American commenters returned the favor by sharing the word that British actors never get right when using American accents: “Anything.”

"I can always tell a Brit playing an American by the word anything. An American would say en-ee-thing. Brits say it ena-thing,” Dreaming_of_Gaea wrote. "The dead giveaway for English people playing Americans: ‘Anything.’ Brits always say ‘EH-nuh-thin,’” marliemagill added.

"I can always tell an actor is English playing an American when they say ‘anything.’ English people always say it like ‘enny-thin,’” mkmason wrote.



What is the cot-caught merger?

One commenter noted that the problem goes back to the cot-caught merger, when Americans in the western US and Canadians began to merge different sounds into one. People on the East Coast and in Britain pronounce them as different sounds.

“Depending on where you live, you might be thinking one of two things right now: Of course, ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound exactly the same! or There’s no way that ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound the same!” Laura McGrath writes at DoYouReadMe. “As a result, although the different spellings remain, the vowel sounds in the words cot/caught, nod/gnawed, stock/stalk are identical for some English speakers and not for others.”

American actors owe Townsend a debt of gratitude for pointing out the one thing that even the best can’t seem to get right. He should also give the commenters a tip of the cap for sharing the big word that British people have trouble with when doing an American accent. Now, if we could just get through to Ewan McGregor and tell him that even though he is fantastic in so many films, his American accent still needs a lot of work.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Health

Craig Ferguson's '3-Question Rule' saved his marriage. It can help you improve any relationship.

Say goodbye to regrets.

via Mogiczar/YouTube

Craig Ferguson explains his '3 Question Rule.'

“Three things cannot be retrieved: The arrow once sped from the bow. The word spoken in haste. The missed opportunity,” Idries Shah writes in “Caravan of Dreams.” We all have moments when it is best to keep our mouths shut, but unfortunately, we said something careless and hurt someone’s feelings. Unfortunately, as Shah writes, it's impossible to take it back once we utter something regrettable.

Comedian Craig Ferguson, who hosted the CBS late-night talk show “The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson” from 2005 to 2014, learned to stop saying regrettable things the hard way. By sharing how he solved his problem in his stand-up act, he prevented many people from putting themselves in the same situation. In his 2011 EPIX comedy special, “Does This Need To Be Said?,” he shared how he overcame his habit of making regrettable remarks.

“The three things you must ask yourself before you say anything: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me, now?” Ferguson joked that it took him three marriages before he learned this lesson. In 2008, he married his third wife, art dealer Megan Wallace-Cunningham, and 3 years later, they had a son.

Warning: Strong language.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Ferguson shared the observation as part of a segment about how people constantly post regrettable things without thinking on the internet. This problem was not present in the Medieval ages when people couldn’t write, had nothing to write with, and had no internet.

The advice, now known by some as the “3-Question Rule,” has caught on beyond the world of stand-up comedy. Justin Bariso, an emotional intelligence expert and the author of "EQ Applied: The Real-World Guide to Emotional Intelligence," explained it recently on The Culture Crush podcast.

Here’s how we can put the rule into practice in our everyday lives.

You go to Starbucks in the morning, and they accidentally forget to toast your bagel, and you want to give them a piece of your mind.

Does this need to be said? Nope, just move on with your day.

You notice that a co-worker is coming back from lunch looking intoxicated every day, and it’s beginning to become a problem. You want to let them know that being at work intoxicated is unacceptable.

Does this need to be said? Yes.

Does this need to be said by me? Nope. It is probably best to talk to your manager or HR.

You go out to dinner with some friends, and your spouse shares an embarrassing story about you that you'd rather she didn't share. You want to tell her that she upset you.

Does this need to be said? Yeah, for sure.

Does this need to be said by me? 100%.

Do I need to say this now? No. You can wait until you get home or tomorrow morning so you won’t fight in front of your friends.


The 3-Question Rule is a great way to pause and reflect before putting ourselves in an uncomfortable situation or hurting someone’s feelings. When you start stacking moments where you refrain from giving someone a piece of your mind or making a snide remark, you’ll build an even better inner strength that allows you to respond to situations versus mindlessly reacting. With that comes confidence, assertiveness, and fewer sleepless nights.

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Celebrity

Kate Winslet regrets not calling out 'bullying' journalists. Young women, please take note.

"If I could turn back the clock, I would have used my voice in a completely different way."

Photo credits: Maggie (Maggiejumps) (left) GabboT (right)

Kate Winslet reflects on how her younger self interacted with the media.

When you're a celebrity in the spotlight, especially if you're a woman, your looks are constantly placed under a microscope. Every wrinkle on your face, every pound you gain or lose, every time the paparazzi catches up to you on a bad hair day, it's all fodder for a hungry entertainment media machine that thrives on scrutinizing beauty.

Kate Winslet should know. As an actress who made a name for herself in Hollywood as a young woman, her body size and shape was often a topic of conversation. Winslet was 22 years old when she played the role of Rose in "Titanic," and she has said that the fame that followed that film was "horrible," largely because of the media attention and the pressure to look a certain way.

“Apparently I was too fat,” Winslet said in an interview on the "Happy Sad Confused" Podcast in 2022. “Why were they so mean to me? They were so mean. I wasn’t even f--ing fat." Some media commentators were unabashed in their fat shaming, and commentary about her body went on for years.

Winslet expressed regret that she didn't push back more against "bullying" and "borderline abusive" journalists back in the day, and it's a good reminder for younger women today to use their voices to speak up when this kind of thing happens.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"If I could turn back the clock I would have used my voice in a completely different way," Winslet said. "I would have responded to journalists: 'Don't you dare treat me like this. I'm a young woman. My body's changing. I'm figuring it out. I'm deeply insecure. I'm terrified. Don't make this any harder than it already is.' That's bullying, you know, and actually, borderline abusive, I would say."

She said it's "getting better" but there's still a long ways to go. "Even if an actress walks out on a red carpet and happens to look amazing in whatever she's wearing, the fact that people will say, 'Looks honed and toned' or, dreadful word, 'svelte.' Don't even say it! It's such an irresponsible thing to do, and it feeds directly into young women aspiring to ideas of perfection that don't exist, aspiring to have bodies that the press are saying that we have."

kate winslet win GIF by BAFTAGiphy

Then she laid down the raw, real truth about those fancy red carpet events: "It's for one night and one night only that we're in that damn dress. And believe you me, mine comes straight off the second I'm in the car on the way home, and I'm in my pajamas, eating chips and farting. That's what we do!"

It's not always easy to know what to do or say in the moment when you are being mistreated, but hearing Winslet say what she wished she had said is a lesson for younger women everywhere. At the time, she may have felt helpless, but she wasn't. She had a voice and laments not using it.

Winslet also spoke to 60 minutes in 2024 and recalled the comments made about her on the red carpet during "Titanic" awards season, when journalists said she looked "a little melted and poured into that dress" and that she needed to have gotten one "two sizes larger."

“It’s absolutely appalling,” Winslet said. “What kind of a person must they be to do something like that to a young actress who’s just trying to figure it out?”

She said she did confront someone in the press face-to-face once, saying, "I hope this haunts you." Tearing up remembering that time, Winslet said, "It was a great moment. It was a great moment because it wasn't just for me. It was for all those people who were subjected to that level of harassment. It was horrific. It twas really bad."

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Kudos to Kate Winslet for once again being a real one, reminding us that beauty is something far more than the way someone looks and that bullying or harassment of anyone, even people in the public eye, is never okay.

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