Gray rocking: The conflict-free way to get out of conversations you just can't stand
It's therapist-approved, too.
A woman is bored to death by a man in a cafe.
Have you ever been stuck talking to a family member trying to get you into an argument about politics or religion, and you’d much rather bail on the conversation than get into it with them? Do you have a coworker who traps you in the breakroom and won’t stop talking about their problems?
Therapists say the best way to get out of awkward and uncomfortable social situations is to use a communication tactic known as gray rocking. In this tactic, you sit there and give the person getting on your nerves as little response as possible so that they change the subject or talk to someone else.
It’s much better than getting into an argument you don’t want or upsetting a coworker you must see daily.
“When you're gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” Amelia Kelley, PhD, therapist and author of Gaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse, told Wondermind. “You're not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. You're not ignoring the other person, but you're not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.”
The technique is especially effective when you fail to react when someone tries to push your buttons. When you deprive them of the satisfaction of a reaction, they’ll quickly move on to another topic or, hopefully, another table.
Here are some other gray rock responses you can use the next time you’re stuck in a conversation that needs to end quickly.
- Shrugging and nodding
- Brief responses with zero elaboration
- Using non-committal answers such as “mmhmm” or “alright”
- Avoiding eye contact
The gray rock technique is helpful in low-stakes situations like being stuck in a conversation you don’t want to have. Or, it can be beneficial in high-stakes situations such as dealing with a toxic person, whether it’s a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.
“It’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” Vanessa M. Reiser, LCSW, therapist, tells Wondermind. “The narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. If you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.”
The term gray rocking hit the pinnacle of pop culture when it was used on an episode of “Vanderpump Rules” earlier this year. Ariana Madix said she used the technique to overcome her breakup with Tom Sandoval. “Gray rocking and going no contact is literally the only way to avoid the sh*t, the manipulation, all of it,” she admitted. “It’s me, I’m a gray rock.”
The term has also become popular on TikTok where it’s a big topic of conversation among mental health influencers.
Over 1.2 million people watched a video about gray rocking by Victim to Warrior Method. In the video, parents have to deal with sharing custody of a child; the problem is that one of them is a narcissist. Note how the man in the scenario doesn't get rattled by his narcissistic ex and only says what’s necessary to keep his boundaries.
@v2wvictimtowarrior Establishing boundaries is crucial when coparenting with a narcissist. To watch part 1 on how to Grey Rock when still in a narcissistic relationship, click here ➡️ @John & Melissa #greyrockmethod #narcissisticabuserecoverycoaching #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissistawareness #narcissisttok #narcissisticabuse #narcissistsurvivor #spreadingawareness #recoveryfromnarcissisticabuse #narcissistsbelike #relationshipwithanarcissist #coparentingwithanarcissist
Here’s another example of gray rocking. This time, the scenario involves a couple dealing with a narcissistic family member coming over for Christmas.
@v2wvictimtowarrior The best thing to do is to go into it with a plan so you are not caught off guard! If you are coparenting with a narcissist, check out this video here ➡️ @John & Melissa #greyrockmethod #narcissisticabuserecoverycoaching #narcissistic #narcissist #narcissistawareness #narcissisttok #narcissisticabuse #narcissistsurvivor #spreadingawareness #recoveryfromnarcissisticabuse #narcissistsbelike #relationshipwithanarcissist #holidayswithanarcissist
