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Family

Here's why more people are going 'no contact' with relatives and why it's not a bad thing

The author of "Toxic Positivity" explains the trend.

no contact, family fight, siblings
via Canva/Photos

Siblings are fighting at a family event.

Over the past few years, there has been much talk about people having “no contact” or “low contact” with family members. A large study out of Cornell University found that 27% of adults over 18 have no contact with some family members.

Another study found that 11% of mothers between the ages of 65 and 75 are estranged from at least one adult child.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman attributes the rise in estrangement to the "changing notions of what constitutes harmful, abusive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior," adding that the “bar for qualifying as a trauma today is much lower.”

However, Whitney Goodman, LMFT, has a much simpler explanation for why more people are vocal about going “no contact” with relatives. In a world where people have so many ways of contacting one another, one must set much stricter boundaries than before social media.

Goodman is a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Toxic Positivity,” a guide to helping people own their emotions.

@whitneygoodmanlmft

#estrangement #familyestrangement #nocontact #family

“Decades ago, it was pretty easy to become estranged from a family member,” Goodman says in a video with over 75,000 views. “We didn’t even have to put all these labels on it. People didn’t have to say they were no contact, low-contact, estranged because they could just move to the other side of the country, maybe only talk to that family member once a year or see them on a holiday, and that was easy to maintain.”

Goodman adds that these days, people have so many avenues to contact estranged relatives or keep tabs on their everyday lives that it’s nearly impossible to separate from family members who want to stay in touch. Back in the ‘70s, you could move a few miles away, change your phone number, get a new job and easily slip into anonymity.

But in 2024, you can’t be passive about avoiding family members. You have to make an obvious point of going “no contact” by blocking people on social media and refusing to respond to their attempts to make contact.

“And I think this is why we see estrangement today being something that is so clearly verbalized and dictated and we have a lot of older people saying, ‘Well, we didn’t do that back then. Everyone stayed in touch,’ when, really, you probably had some family members that were actively choosing distance and estrangement, but they weren’t really calling it that because they didn’t have to,” Goodman concludes her video.



The big takeaway is that people probably had no contact with family members back in the day without being fully aware of what was happening. It’d be easy to go extremely low contact and see relatives every few years without anyone thinking anything was wrong.

“My uncle lives less than 100 miles from our hometown. Everyone acted like he wasn't estranged, but my mom had to beg him to come to my grandma's deathbed. Over a decade later, I understand him,” Kayla C. wrote in the comments. “I think the biggest difference is in the past when someone moved away, the other party could blame it on them or put a spin on it like, “Oh, she moved for her career, and she’s SO busy!” Kitty added.

TheAlgorithmbroughtmetou added a quote that sums up many people’s families: "That uncle/aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older."

These days, people are talking more openly about estrangement, though families have always dealt with it. Today’s technology means people have to be more blunt about their feelings, but in some ways, that can be a better way of handling problems than spending years being passive-aggressive.

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Education

A school assignment asked for 3 benefits of slavery. This kid gave the only good answer.

The school assignment was intended to spark debate and discussion — but isn't that part of the problem?

Trameka Brown-Berry/Facebook

A school assignment asked for 3 "good" reasons for slavery.



It's not uncommon for parents to puzzle over their kids' homework.

Sometimes, it's just been too long since they've done long division for them to be of any help. Or teaching methods have just changed too dramatically since they were in school.

And other times, kids bring home something truly inexplicable.

Trameka Brown-Berry was looking over her 4th-grade son Jerome's homework when her jaw hit the floor.

"Give 3 'good' reasons for slavery and 3 bad reasons," the prompt began.

You read that right. Good reasons ... FOR SLAVERY.

Lest anyone think there's no way a school would actually give an assignment like this, Brown-Berry posted photo proof to Facebook.



In the section reserved for "good reasons," (again, for slavery), Jerome wrote, "I feel there is no good reason for slavery thats why I did not write."

Yep. That about covers it.

The school assignment was intended to spark debate and discussion — but isn't that part of the problem?

The assignment was real. In the year 2018. Unbelievable.

The shockingly offensive assignment deserved to be thrown in the trash. But young Jerome dutifully filled it out anyway.

His response was pretty much perfect.

We're a country founded on freedom of speech and debating ideas, which often leads us into situations where "both sides" are represented. But it can only go so far.

There's no meaningful dialogue to be had about the perceived merits of stripping human beings of their basic living rights. No one is required to make an effort to "understand the other side," when the other side is bigoted and hateful.

In a follow-up post, Brown-Berry writes that the school has since apologized for the assignment and committed to offering better diversity and sensitivity training for its teachers.

But what's done is done, and the incident illuminates the remarkable racial inequalities that still exist in our country. After all, Brown-Berry told the Chicago Tribune, "You wouldn't ask someone to list three good reasons for rape or three good reasons for the Holocaust."

At the very end of the assignment, Jerome brought it home with a bang: "I am proud to be black because we are strong and brave ... "

Good for Jerome for shutting down the thoughtless assignment with strength and amazing eloquence.


This article originally appeared on 01.12.18

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Joy

200 cats facing euthanasia get new lives helping rehabilitate South Carolina inmates

The program began with two cats but quickly grew after the warden realized the profound impact on both inmates and animals.

Photo by Norma Gabriela Galván

A cat, getting ready to do some not-quite-hard time.

When asked to comment about the turn of fate that led it to a life behind bars, one cat said, "None of you seem to understand. We are not locked in here with you. You're locked in here with us! Meow!"

Or that's how Redditor EmiliaFromLV imagined it. While impossible to know for sure, the cats that were facing euthanasia in South Carolina seem delighted in having found new homes with caring humans, even if those humans are hardened criminals and that home is a prison.

Through Allendale Correctional Institution’s unusual yet deeply heartwarming “MeowMates” program, dozens of shelter cats roam the halls and bunk rooms, giving inmates newfound purpose. This flood of felines is changing everything for a group of men who once lived with little to care for but themselves.

It started with just two cats

Originally, Allendale’s program began with a modest two cats, but that number quickly grew after the warden realized the profound impact on both inmates and animals. Today, more than 200 cats call Allendale home, with inmates responsible for their care, training, and the occasional bath—yes, these guys are giving cats baths, even if the cats do tend to start out a little wary.

via GIPHY

Jackson Galaxy, the Animal Planet star, recently visited the program and was blown away by what he saw:

"This is the most exciting thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm not kidding! You've got cats everywhere and they're just wandering around, no fear all… it was beyond my wildest dreams."

— Jackson Galaxy

Galaxy witnessed firsthand how these inmates, many of whom have spent their lives struggling with anger or isolation, are finding peace, empathy, and even joy through these furry friendships. One man admitted, “I’ve been incarcerated since I was 17, but focusing on this four-ounce kitten melted away a lot of my selfishness.”

Healing behind bars—and beyond

Life in rural Allendale County is hard for everyone, including stray animals, and without the prison program, most of these cats would face euthanasia. Not anymore. MeowMates has given the prison a unique role as a shelter, thanks to inmates who do everything from cleaning litter boxes to handling medical exams (yes, poop samples and all).

As u/Figjam_ZA pointed out, “100% reported reduced inmate stress levels, 85% saw improved work ethic, and 93% reported better self-control.”

"Looking back, to have had a cat back then, it would have been an incredible comfort."

— u/madscribbler

To be fair, not all the men came to the program as cat lovers. In fact, one inmate admitted to being outright terrified of them. But a few playful purrs later, he’s now their biggest fan, saying, “There’s nothing that has changed me like taking care of these animals.” The cats, unfazed by typical prison stressors, don’t ask for much—just food, water, the occasional scratch behind the ears, and maybe a little personal space, as u/RoseHil observed: “Just feed and water it, it’s a fur-plant. Then chill out and don’t bring energy to the room the cat hasn’t already.”

What happens when you put 200 stray cats in prison?
by u/SunAdvanced7940 incats

Second chances for two, and four, legged friends

It turns out these furry residents have also softened the hearts of their caretakers, even in such a structured and high-security place. Inmates form such strong bonds with their cats that the program actually rotates them periodically to avoid “adoptive” attachment. Some prisoners have told the warden they’d be content spending life in prison if it means taking care of these animals—a sentiment echoed by u/Figjam_ZA, who marveled that “cats are checked on regularly and apparently do really well in that environment.”

While the cats are saving lives in more ways than one, the inmates have, in turn, saved hundreds of dogs and cats through the program since its launch. When Hurricane Matthew hit, Allendale even took in extra animals from other counties, adding emergency sheltering to their impact.

Could this be the future of prison programs?

Despite evidence of lower recidivism and positive inmate transformation, programs like MeowMates aren’t in every prison due to funding challenges. But this “feline felony” is sparking interest and discussions on Reddit and beyond, with u/LimitlessMegan lamenting, “Studies show these programs work, but they’re rare because most prisons don’t actually focus on rehabilitation.”

For now, Allendale is a model for how both man and animal can find second chances, bringing life, purrs, and maybe even a little healing into places most wouldn’t expect.

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Family

Technology expert shares the one message that can get teens to rethink their screentime

“Social media is free because you pay for it with your time.”

via Dino Ambrosi (used with permission)

Dino Ambrosi speaks at a school assembly.

In a 2023 TEDx Talk at Laguna Blanca School, Dino Ambrosi made a startling revelation that perfectly underlines the big question of the smartphone era: What is my time worth? Ambrosi is the founder of Project Reboot and an expert at guiding teens and young adults to develop more empowering relationships with technology.

Assuming the average person now lives to 90, after calculating the average time they spend sleeping, going to school, working, cooking, eating, doing chores, sleeping, and taking care of personal hygiene, today’s 18-year-olds have only 334 months of their adult lives to themselves.

"How you spend this time will determine the quality of your life,” Ambrosi says. However, given the tech habits of today’s young people, most of those months will be spent staring at screens, leaving them with just 32 months to leave their mark on the world. "Today, the average 18-year-old in the United States is on pace to spend 93% of their remaining free time looking at a screen,” Ambrosi says.


dino ambrosi, teens and technology, smartphone addictionAn 18-year-olds remaining time, in months. via TEDx

The idea that an entire generation will spend most of their free time in front of screens is chilling. However, the message has a silver lining. Sharing this information with young people can immediately impact how they spend their time.

How to get teens to reduce their screentime

Ambrosi says his work with Project Reboot through on-campus initiatives, school assemblies, and parent workshops has taught him that teens are more concerned about time wasted on their phones than the damage it may do to their mental health. Knowing the topic that resonates can open the door for an effective dialogue about a topic that’s hard for many young people to discuss. When teens realize they are giving their entire lives away for free, they are more apt to reconsider their relationship with smartphones.

“I actually don't get through to a lot of teens, as well as when I help them realize the value of their time and then highlight the fact that that time is being stolen from them,” Ambrosi told Upworthy.

A Common Sense Media study shows that the average 13 to 18-year-old, as of 2021, spent an average of 8 hours and 39 minutes a day on entertainment screentime.

“It’s important to get them to view time as their most valuable resource that they can use to invest in themselves or enjoy life and tick the boxes on their bucket list. I really want them to see that that's something they should take control of and prioritize because we're all under the impression that social media is free, but it's actually not free. We just pay for it with our time.”

dino ambrosi, project reboot, teens smartphonesDino AMbrosi speaks at Berkeley.via Dino Ambrosi (used with permission)

Ambrosi believes that young people are less likely to hand their time to tech companies for free when they understand its value. “I find that kids really respond to that message because nobody wants to feel manipulated, right? And giving them that sense of being wronged, which I think they have been, by tech companies that are off operating on business models that are not aligned with their well-being, is important.”

He also believes parents should be sympathetic and nonjudgmental when talking to young people about screentime because it’s a struggle that just about everyone faces and feels shame about. A little understanding will prevent them from shutting down the conversation altogether.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

How to reduce my screentime

Ambrosi has some suggestions to help people reduce their screentime.

The ClearSpace app

ClearSpace forces you to take a breathing delay before using a distracting app. It also asks you to set a time limit and allows you to set a number of visits to the site per day. If you eclipse the number of visits, it sends a text to a friend saying you exceeded your budget. This can help people be accountable for one another’s screentime goals.

Don’t sleep with your phone

Ambrosi says to charge your phone far away from your bedside stand when you sleep and use an alarm clock to wake up. If you do have an alarm clock on your phone, set up an automation so that as soon as you turn off the alarm, it opens up an app like Flora or Forest and starts an hour-long timer that incentivizes you to be off your phone for the first hour of the day.

“In my experience, if you can stay off screens for the last hour and the first hour of the day, the other 22 hours get a lot easier because you get the quality rest and sleep that you need to wake up fully charged, and now you're more capable of being intentional because you are at your best," Ambrosi told Upworty.

Keep apps in one place

Ambrosi says to keep all of your social apps and logins on one device. “I try to designate a specific use for each device as much as possible,” he told Upworthy. “I try to keep all my social media time and all my entertainment on my phone as opposed to my computer because I want my computer to be a tool for work.”

Even though there are significant challenges ahead for young people as they try to navigate a screen-based world while keeping them at a healthy distance, Ambrosi is optimistic about the future.

“I'm really optimistic because I have seen in the last year, in particular, that the receptiveness of student audiences has increased by almost an order of magnitude. Kids are waking up to the fact that this is the problem. They want to have this conversation,” he told Upworthy. “Some clubs are starting to address this problem at several schools right now; from the talks I've given this semester alone, kids want to be involved in this conversation. They're creating phone-free spaces on college and high school campuses by their own accord. I just think we have a huge potential to leverage this moment to move things in the right direction.”

For more information on Ambrosi’s programs, visit ProjectReboot.School.

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Science

5 things 'desire paths' - or human-made shortcuts - reveal about people

Going off the beaten path is a heavily studied phenomenon.

Gordon Joly & wetwebwork/Flickr

If you've ever walked through a public park or across a grassy college campus, you've definitely noticed the phenomenon. Inevitably, there's a paved path or sidewalk leading from Point A to Point B. And then, branching off of that path, is a well-worn patch of dirt where people have chosen to walk instead.

Often the unofficial path is more efficient or more pleasant, and it's just so inviting that you can't help but branch off and walk it yourself. These human-made shortcuts are called Desire Paths — or sometimes Cow Paths or Elephant Paths. (Named as such because big, lumbering animals like to take the shortest route between two points.)

Some people say Desire Paths occur when a design fails to connect with human behavior.

Which makes them incredibly useful for urban planners and other people who design walking paths! Desire Paths are studied heavily, and some places even choose to pave over them once they appear, making them more official. (While others intentionally block them off).

There are even cases where no paving was done until Desire Paths naturally formed — when crowds of people did the engineers' and urban planners' work for them.

People are absolutely fascinated by Desire Paths.

The subreddit devoted to them has over fifty-thousand members! There are massive groups on Flickr where people share photos of desire paths they find in the wild. And a recent X thread of desire paths racked up almost thirty million views.

Why is it that Desire Paths spark such a reaction in us? If I had to guess, it's because Desire Paths are small acts of rebellion. They are literally a visual representation of going off the beaten path. The symbolism is powerful in a world that can feel very mundane and predictable.

They're also something that we create together. No one single person creates a new path. They hold a collective wisdom that resonates deeply somewhere in our souls.

And they teach us about ourselves, believe it or not. Here are a few things we can learn about ourselves from Desire Paths.

1. We're not superstitious, but we're a little stitious.

There are lots of examples of Desire Paths forming around archways or leaning objects.

Sure, you could say people walk around so they don't bump their heads, or maybe to make room for passing cyclists.

But I like to think we just don't want to risk the bad karma.

2. Anything that gets in the way of a straight line is annoying.

If we're walking in a straight line, we generally would like to continue in that straight line.
A decorative circular garden right in the middle of the path might seem like a good idea — but only if you want to see it get trampled.

In the same vein, why walk in a complicated squiggly shape when we can just cut right across?

A paved path with dirt path branching off through treeswetwebwork/Flickr

3. We like gentle hills more than stairs.

It's surprising and fascinating how often people will avoid going up and down stairs if they can cut through the grass instead.

Human beings' hatred of stairs is well-documented, but it's interesting to see it play out visually.

A path worn in the dirt next to stairsGordon Joly/Flickr

Some studies estimate walking up stairs is twice as hard on the body compared to walking up a hill.

A path work into tall grass next to stairsthepismire/Flickr

4. We don't like sharp turns.

If you know people, you won't be surprised to hear that we like to cut corners!

A dirt path next to sidewalkDan Keck/Flickr

We're not robots! We don't like turning at right angles. Plus, if we're in a rush, a more efficient path saves us time.

A dirt path cutting through graveyardGeorge Redgrave/Flickr

5. We like feeling connected to the people that came before.

Holloways are a special sort of Desire Path, carved deep into forests and other nature. They are often ancient. They are ever-changing.

A dirt path carved into forestBy Romain Bréget, CC BY-SA 4.0

By walking through these paths, we become a part of them and a part of history.

A quote from Rebecca Solnit sums it up perfectly:

“Walking is a mode of making the world as well as being in it.”

So go ahead and take the road less traveled. Follow your intuition. You might be on to something, and it could be the beginning of a new and better path!

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Family

Parents share videos of how 'The Happy Song' makes their babies stop crying immediately

It's almost miraculous how well it works.

Photo credit: Canva

Soothing a crying baby can be a challenge.

Everyone who's been a parent knows that babies cry and it's not always obvious why. You can run through the list of possibilities and try to address each one—hungry, thirsty, sleepy, uncomfortable, gassy, wanting to be held, needing a diaper change—and they still might cry.

Babies cry for a reason, but because they can't talk, they can't tell us what the reason is. Once all of the logical reasons have been eliminated, all you can do is try different things to see what helps—bouncing or rocking, going outside, taking a bath or some other distraction.

And thanks to researchers and a musician from the U.K., "The Happy Song" might be worth adding to the Crying Baby Toolbox.

"The Happy Song," performed by Imogen Heap, was specifically designed to include elements that induce happiness in babies. Researchers surveyed 2,300 parents in the U.K. to find out what sounds made their babies happy, and the top answers including sneezing (51%), animal noises (23%), baby laughter (28%) and other sounds ultimately got incorporated into the song.

As the university shared on its website when the song was created in 2016:

"The two-minute tune takes us on a bouncing melodic journey of cute lyrics and funny sounds - from the sky to the ocean, on a bike, submarine and even a rocket. 4/4 tempo was chosen as it is the most popular and easy to dance to. Imogen composed the song in the key of E flat as it was the key Scout sang a melody in on their first studio session."

The song was tested on dozens of babies and adjusted until they had the perfect mix of happy. It was truly a collaborative effort, with Dr. Caspar Addyman and Professor Lauren Stewart, C&G baby club, Imogen Heap, advertising agency BETC London and music consultancy Felt Music all contributing to the project.The final result even includes Heap's husband whistling and the sounds of a Pomeranian dog.

Parents have been sharing how "The Happy Song" stops crying in its tracks, and it's almost miraculous how well it works for a whole lot of babes out there.

Watch how this young baby stops crying as soon as he hears the song start to play:


@salliehasemeier01

“The Happy Song” by Imogen Heap is literally MAGIC. #firsttimemom #babyboy #4monthsold #fyp

Here are twins that were getting fussy in their high chairs, but as soon as they heard the beginning of "The Happy Song," they stopped:


And yet another baby in full fuss mode who immediately calmed down when the song played:


@lana.kearney

I am a wizard and can make your baby stop crying #babyhack #thehappysong #parentinghack

A lot of parents have found the song particularly helpful in the car. Some babies love to ride in the car and others hate it, but when a baby cries while strapped into a car seat, there's not a whole lot you can do. It's not like you can safely pick them up and bounce them on your knee in a moving vehicle. And if you're the person driving, you can't even really reach the baby to soothe them any other way. So having this song in your pocket to pull out during a screeching car ride could be a lifesaver, as it was for this mom:

@whataboutaub

Does this work for your baby??? #baby #newbaby #parentingtips #parentinghack #pregnant #newborn #happysong #happy #roadtrip #family #mom #newmom #momhack #momtips #fyp #trending

Parents in the comments share how much the song has helped them when nothing else seemed to work to calm down their wee ones.

"Haha we listen to this song 100x a day. 😭"

"My baby’s favorite song. Always helps calm her."

"This is a bop! not as annoying as other songs for kids 🤣 sing it constantly."

"I discovered this before my baby was even born, I’m not even joking when I say I owe Imogen a check at this point because this song has never failed to calm my baby boy down. He’s 12 months now."

"Is you memorize the song he’ll stop when you start singing it to🥰 at least my son did lol."

"Is the only thing that makes my 10 month old stay still for a diaper change. The negative? It’s in my head 24/7."

"In home daycare provider! I turn it on when they’re getting super upset and it works!!"

A few parents shared that it doesn't seem to work for their baby, but most pledge their eternal gratitude to Imogen Heap and the others who were behind the song's creation. If you've had a crying baby, you know what you'd give to find the magical thing that might get them to stop and the desperation you feel when it seems like nothing is working.

With 62 million views on YouTube, this song is clearly working for a whole lot of folks. It's definitely worth a try, at least.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

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