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History (Education)

Gen Xers and Boomers share things that used to be 'normal' but are 'boundary crossing' today

Birthday spankings, school paddlings and more.

Photo by lil artsy/Pexels

People used to just light up wherever and whenever they pleased.

How many times have you looked back to things you thought were "normal" from your childhood and thought "Huh, that was actually kinda weird in hindsight"? Times change, and what's considered "normal and acceptable" change with them. That's not automatically good or bad, necessarily, but hopefully humanity is evolving such that we learn from our mistakes and recognize room for improvement.

In that vein, someone asked Gen Xers and Boomers on Reddit, "What are some things that would be considered rude or boundary crossing today but were perfectly normal and acceptable when you were growing up?" and the answers reveal how much has shifted in the past handful of decades.

If you're over 40, enjoy this slightly disturbing trip down memory lane. If you're under 40, yes, all of these things really happened on a regular basis.

Scolding other people's kids (even strangers)

Raising a child was seen as more of a community effort than it is today, which resulted in perfect strangers doling out discipline.

"Scolding someone else's child. I remember getting corrected by strangers."

via GIPHY

"Those were the lessons that stuck the most too for me. When a family friend or stranger corrected me I knew without doubt I done f'd up. I didn't like the trend during the late 80's into 90's of everyone telling each other to mind their own business and not correct a child that wasn't theirs ~ horrible logic that I feel totally contributed to where we are at today with nobody considering other peoples opinions on things."

"OMG yes! in my neighborhood, whoever's house you were at, if you acted up, their mom was expected to let you know, and even send you home! it's just how things were."

"Kids were basically community property."

Showing up or dropping by unannounced

Before cell phones, people didn't always call or text before going to someone's house. Company could just show up at any time. People had snacks on hand specifically for unexpected guests. It was a thing.

"Possibly stopping in at a friend’s house unannounced. That used to be fairly common when everyone didn’t have a phone in his or her pocket."

"You never knew who, or how many, would show up at our house on a Friday night for a game of penny ante poker or Yahtzee in the 60's and 70's."

"I do miss that. We always had extra snacks for guests available because we never knew when someone might just show up."

via GIPHY

"We always had a Pepperidge Farms Coconut cake in the freezer. My mother would take it out to thaw as soon as company showed up."

"A corollary of this was that you were also expected to have your clothes on and be somewhat presentable while you were at home, since you never know who would be dropping by."

"Hell, me and my friends would just walk into each other's house like we lived there. None of the parents seemed to mind either. I often ended up eating meals at their homes and them at mine."

Birthday spankings

Okay, yeah, this one is weird. It was a tradition to get a spanking for every year of your life on your birthday, and it wasn't even just parents who did this. Teachers, your parents' friends, etc.

"All my parents' friends used to give me a spanking for each year on my birthday. Does anyone else remember this? Birthday spankings? So weird."

"And a pinch to grow an inch."

"My 4th grade teacher did this to all of us in front of the whole class. She ended it with a "pinch to grow on" and literally pinched our butts. This was around 2001 in Indianapolis. I don't recall anyone ever having an issue with it at the time, but looking back it was definitely odd. She was a great teacher and I have nothing bad to say about her at all. It was just a different time."

via GIPHY

"Yessssss! I'm in MD and was in elementary school in the 80's. If it was our birthday we would pick another kid to spank us in front of the whole grade, so if turning 9 you would get 9 smacks on your butt and all the kids would shout "ONE! TWO!..." 😂😂😂😂 I can't imagine that happening now!"

"Oh god! In a school club we would all line up and the birthday girl to crawl between all our legs as we spanked her on birthdays. What a crazy tradition!"

"The spanking machine! Kids would line up in a row, legs open, and you would crawl through, while kids slapped your butt. Sometimes singing 'today is spankin’ day!'"

Actual spankings. With a paddle. At school.

School principals, vice principals and sometimes teachers kept a paddle at their desk, which would be used to whack kids who misbehaved. Corporal punishment was the gold standard for behavior modification. Hacking, whacking, paddling—so any names for this woefully outdated practice.

"The big paddle that one of the teachers would possess that would be used on your hind quarters at their whim. No parent permission needed."

"The (completely backward) school I attended in 7th grade in 1999-2000 still spanked kids. My math teacher spanked a kid in class at least once a week. This was the deep south and very different from other schools I went to, it was quite the culture shock."

via GIPHY

"I would get the paddle or else my desk kicked over while I was in it, my head would hit that floor HARD! I don’t know which was worse."

"In 1987 my mom walked me into the school office and told everyone including the principle that under NO circumstances is anyone to paddle or spank me for discipline and if I misbehaved they were to simply call her about it. Their jaws dropped. That would not have happened anyways because I was a very well behaved and respectful child."

"I definitely got the big paddle in the vice principal's office."

Smoking indoors everywhere

It's impossible to explain to young people today how ubiquitous smoking used to be. Like, it was considered rude not to have ashtrays in your home. High schools had smoking areas. Restaurants, airplanes, waiting rooms—people smoked everywhere.

"I can recall the nurses at the triage in the hospital in my home town, smoking away while working. The 80s man, crazy time."

"I was born in 82, there’s a picture of my mother holding me shortly after I was born, laying in a hospital bed, and on her bedside table is a pack of reds and an ashtray."

via GIPHY

"And on airplanes and trains. I remember riding the L in Chicago with people smoking on the cars."

"Smoking in class at college."

"Smoking in grocery stores and putting out butts on the floor.

Teachers with ash trays on their desks smoking during class."

"My parents didn't smoke, but they (1970s) kept a guest ashtray in the house in case a visitor wanted to light up. Complained endlessly about the smoke smell once the person was gone, but it would have been rude to tell them to take it outside or wait."

Sexual harassment

Not that this was ever normal or acceptable, but it was tolerated to a disturbing level.

"Until Anita Hill, I had never even heard the term Sexual Harassment. I literally had no idea it was a thing. You were female, you were employed, men could make insistent advances with zero repercussions. One of my co-workers finally slept with the boss just to try to get him to leave her alone. This was NORMAL. We expected it to happen and accepted that it would, we just had to deal with it."

via GIPHY

"I was told to lighten up because it was a compliment."

" I got my first job in 1973 when I was 15. I worked in the restaurant business and waited tables all through college. It was pervasive and customers (men) would say many unwanted things as well. My first adult job was selling pharmaceuticals in 1984 and the first thing my regional manager told me during orientation was if a doctor did or said anything inappropriate handle it anyway you saw fit and then call and tell me about. He made it clear we didn’t have to put up with any BS and were free to slap anyone if we needed to. By the nineties sexual harassment wasn’t gone but was getting called out in a big way. Until there was a name for sexual harassment we knew we were uncomfortable but didn’t really have a way to express it in a meaningful and united manner."

"My friends and I were grabbed constantly in middle school by boys in early 90s. It never occurred to us to tell anyone and I honestly don’t think they would have cared. We just shared our shame amongst ourselves."

"Men would randomly grab and touch women all the time when I was growing up. Boomers were the worst about it, but I’m GenX and even we had it somewhat normalized. We’d gotten a clue that it wasn’t great, but we hadn’t yet realized it was actually sexual assault when someone would fondle your butt or breasts unbidden. Or when someone would grab you and kiss you. If you complained you were told to lighten up."

The drastic policing of what women wore under their clothes

Imagine having all the girls line up in gym class while the teacher runs his finger down each girl's back to make sure she was wearing a bra. Imagine it being unheard of to not wear pantyhose and show bare skin on your legs while wearing a skirt. We still police what women and girls wear in some places, but it's not as bad as it used to be.

"I’ve been told that women were expected to wear 'foundation garments' at work, and if they didn’t, then they might get reprimanded. I’m talking about longline bras and girdles."

via GIPHY

"In the 80s, one of my friends got sent to the office for not wearing a bra to high school."

"Until 1999, I was required to wear pantyhose at work. Nuts! And they dictated 'suntan' color!"

"Not sure what I spent more $ on - pantyhose or clear nail polish to stop the runs."

"I remember being a kid in the 90s my mom going from store to store looking for slips to put under my dresses, she had a whole section of her closet devoted to them. I hated them and didn't understand their purpose. Still don't. I'm so glad those are in the past."

People shared other things as well, such as how common it was to touch total strangers or to cut through people's yards to get to where you were going, and it's a wild ride through shifting social norms. Some things are definitely best left in the past, but some lend themselves to a stronger sense of community and might be worth revisiting. It does make you wonder what things from today will show up on a list like this decades from now.

You can see more on the r/AskOldPeople thread here.

This article originally appeared last year.

From Your Site Articles

history

Levi Strauss Foundation

The Levi Strauss Foundation advances the human rights and well-being of underserved people in places where the company has a business presence

Modern Families

Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.

Even in divided times, small acts of friendship help create vibrant communities where everyone feels safe.

Pictured here: Anita Omary; her son, Osman; and Omary’s close friends

True

In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.

“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.

“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.

Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.

Understanding the journey

Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.

Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.

A warm welcome

Dee and Omary's son, Osman

Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.

“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”

Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.

“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”

Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.

“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”

More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.

“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”

Extending the welcome

Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.

Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.

“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.

Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.

“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.

“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”

Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.

This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.

Education

How to keep your mouth shut in conversations when you know you should really stay quiet

Most people never regret just staying silent.

quiet, finger over lips, don't talk, keep it to yourself, silence

via Canva/Photos

A woman with her finger over her mouth.

It can be hard to stay quiet when you feel like you just have to speak your mind. But sometimes it's not a great idea to share your opinions on current events with your dad or tell your boss where they're wrong in a meeting. And having a bit of self-control during a fight with your spouse is a good way to avoid apologizing the next morning.

Further, when we fight the urge to talk when it's not necessary, we become better listeners and give others a moment in the spotlight to share their views. Building that small mental muscle to respond to events rather than react can make all the difference in social situations.

argument, coworkers, angry coworkers, hostile work enviornment, disagreement A woman is getting angry at her coworker.via Canva/Photos

What is the WAIT method?

One way people have honed the skill of holding back when they feel the burning urge to speak up is the WAIT method, an acronym for the question you should ask yourself in that moment: "Why Am I Talking?" Pausing to consider the question before you open your mouth can shift your focus from "being heard" to "adding value" to any conversation.

The Center for The Empowerment Dynamic has some questions we should consider after taking a WAIT moment:

What is my intention behind what I am about to say?
What question can I ask to better understand what the other person is saying?
Is my need to talk an attempt to divert the attention to me?
How might I become comfortable with silence rather than succumb to my urge to talk?

tape over muth, sielnce, be quiet, mouth shut, saying nothing A man with tape over his mouth.via Canva/Photos

The WAIT method is a good way to avoid talking too much. In work meetings, people who overtalk risk losing everyone's attention and diluting their point to the extent that others aren't quite sure what they were trying to say. Even worse, they can come across as attention hogs or know-it-alls. Often, the people who get to the heart of the matter succinctly are the ones who are noticed and respected.

Just because you're commanding the attention of the room doesn't mean you're doing yourself any favors or helping other people in the conversation.

The WAIT method is also a great way to give yourself a breather and let things sit for a moment during a heated, emotional discussion. It gives you a chance to cool down and rethink your goals for the conversation. It can also help you avoid saying something you regret.

fight, spuse disagreement, communications skills, upset husband, argument A husband is angry with his wife. via Canva/Photos

How much should I talk in a meeting?

So if it's a work situation, like a team meeting, you don't want to be completely silent. How often should you speak up?

Cary Pfeffer, a speaking coach and media trainer, shared an example of the appropriate amount of time to talk in a meeting with six people:

"I would suggest a good measure would be three contributions over an hour-long meeting from each non-leader participant. If anyone is talking five/six/seven times you are over-participating! Allow someone else to weigh in, even if that means an occasional awkward silence. Anything less seems like your voice is just not being represented, and anything over three contributions is too much."

Ultimately, the WAIT method is about taking a second to make sure you're not just talking to hear yourself speak. It helps ensure that you have a clear goal for participating in the conversation and that you're adding value for others. Knowing when and why to say something is the best way to make a positive contribution and avoid shooting yourself in the foot.

From Your Site Articles

Our favorite giveaway is back. Enter to win a free, fun date! 🌊 💗

It's super easy, no purchase or donation necessary, and you help our oceans! That's what we call a win-win-win. Enter here.

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Our love for the ocean runs deep. Does yours? Enter here!

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Special thanks to our friends at All In who are all in on helping moms!

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Grab your favorite person and get some much-needed ocean time. Did you know research on “blue spaces” suggests that being near water is linked with better mental health and well-being, including feeling calmer and less stressed? We’ll treat you to a beach adventure like a surfing or sailing class, plus ocean-friendly bags from GOT Bag and blankets from Sand Cloud so your day by the water feels good for you and a little gentler on the ocean too.

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Love nights in as much as you love a date night out? We’ve got you. Have friends over for a movie night or make it a cozy night in with your favorite person. You’ll get a Disney+ and Hulu subscription so you can watch Nat Geo ocean content, plus a curated list of ocean-friendly documentaries and a movie-night basket of snacks. Easy, comfy, and you’ll probably come out of it loving the ocean even more.

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Stay in and cook something delicious with someone you love. We’ll hook you up with sustainable seafood ingredients and some additional goodies for a dinner for two, so you can eat well and feel good knowing your meal supports healthier oceans and more responsible fishing.

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From Your Site Articles

planet

Science

Neil deGrasse Tyson explains the impossible concept of 'nothing' in less than one minute

"Behold, a true nothing."

neil degrasse typson, astrophysicist, science, universe, science communicator

via Karl Withakay/Wikimedia Commons

Neil deGrasse Tyson at CSI Con 2022.

One of the greatest philosophical, scientific, and religious questions that humankind has ever asked is: Why is there something instead of nothing? Why do we have a universe, or possibly multiple universes, when there could just be a big nothing and no one or thing to contemplate its lack of existence?

To add another layer to this incredible mystery is the question of what nothing is. We know what something is; we see matter around us and can measure energy, but as humans, we’ve never been able to experience true nothingness, so it feels impossible to comprehend. That’s why we should all be thankful for astrophysicist and science communicator, Neil deGrasse Tyson. He created a video that takes us step by step through how we get from something to nothing in under a minute.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Step 1: Life on Earth

“Is this nothing?” Tyson asks, waving his hand. “No, it's air. Let's go with there's no air."

Step 2: Outside our atmosphere

“No, there's still a few particles floating there between the planets, so it's not quite nothing.”

Step 3: Space

“How about between the stars? Less, but there's still something there. Between the galaxies? Less, but there's still just a few particles per cubic meter that lurk there.”

Step 4: Pure vacuum of space

“There's something called virtual particles that pop in and out of existence. Quantum physics tells us this. So there's still something there.”

Step 5: True nothing

"To get a true nothing, you have to go where there's not even space or time. But if laws of physics still apply, then there's still something there. So you have to go to not only where there's no matter and no space time, but where there are no laws at all. Behold, a true nothing.”

Tyson explained his concept of "nothing" in a StarTalk episode with his co-host, Chuck Nice.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

If that explanation didn’t quite pull you into the realm of understanding, Sean Carroll, a theoretical physicist and cosmologist, did his best to describe it to Vice.

“In quantum field theory, which we think is our best way of describing the universe that we have right now, space is kind of interesting,” Carroll explained. “Even if it’s as empty as it can be, there are still quantum mechanical [properties]—they’re just in a zero-energy state not doing anything. But you could probe the vacuum, as particle physics does, and discover its properties.

“Empty space is a very interesting place in modern physics; there’s a lot going on, whereas, if it were nothing, there would be nothing going on,” he said. “It’s probably better to think of nothing as the absence of even space and time, rather than space and time without anything in them.”

Now that you probably have a good idea of what nothing is, we’re back to the big question: Why is there something instead of nothing? Tyson and Carroll discuss the biggest question in the universe in the section below.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

science

Mental Health

Happiness researcher explains how making a 'reverse bucket list' can change your life

Counterintuitive in our culture, but effective.

arthur c. brooks, harvard, psychology, happiness research, bucket list

Gage Skidmore/Wikimedia Commons

Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.

We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.

But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.

bucket list, wants, desires, goals, detachment Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy

Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."

As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.

"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."

Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.

"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."

The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).

"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."

What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.

This article originally appeared last year.

From Your Site Articles

happiness

Mental Health

Happiness expert explains why 'imposter syndrome' is a good thing and how to lean into it

"If you feel imposter syndrome, that's great," says Dr. Arthur C. Brooks. "That means all kinds of good things about you."

imposter syndrome, psychology, human behavior, arthur c. brooks, harvard researcher

Photo credit: Canva

If you feel like an imposter sometimes, that says something positive about you.

Have you ever created something, or been asked to give a presentation, or gotten an opportunity at work and felt like you weren't good enough for it? Have you ever thought to yourself, "I'm not as capable as they think I am," and had a deep fear that you were going to be outed as a fraud (despite the fact that you do actually have at least some level of skill and competence)?

Chances are, you have. This wave of self-doubt and fear is called "imposter syndrome," and it's quite common. Not only that, but as much as the feeling sucks, it's actually not a bad thing, according to Harvard behavioral social scientist Arthur C. Brooks.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Why having imposter syndrome is a good sign

As a specialist in happiness and author of The Happiness Files: Insights on Work and Life, Brooks says he works a lot with "strivers" in his research, people who are ambitious and want to do great things with their lives.

"What all strivers I've ever met have in common is that the higher they climb, and the more success that they have, the more insecure they feel in their own success because they're not quite sure that they've earned it or deserve it," Brooks shares. "That's called impostor syndrome. It's completely natural."

In fact, Brooks says, there's only one group of people that imposter syndrome doesn't really affect, and that's the people who actually are imposters.

"It's one of the great ironies I've found is that people who deserve success through hard work and merit and personal responsibility are not quite sure they deserve it. And the people who don't deserve it are often the people who actually are most sure that they do."

strengths, weaknesses, imposter syndrome, psychology, self-doubt, Imposter syndrome is very common. Photo credit: Canva

People who don't experience imposter syndrome trigger Brooks' "spider sense," putting him on alert, because it is often a sign of what's known as the "dark triad."

Dark triads, in business or in personal life, are people who are above average in three characteristics: Narcissism (It's all about me). Machiavellianism (I'm willing to do what it takes, including hurting you to get my way.) And psychopathy (to be psychopathic, which is to say, I'm going to hurt you and feel no remorse.) You might think that that's super rare. It's not. One in 14 people in the population is above average on those three characteristics. Dark triads are 7% of the population. You know them. They've broken your heart. They've been disloyal to you. They've taken credit for your work. They've made life miserable, and you try to avoid them."

Brooks says that "good, normal, healthy" people will almost assuredly experience imposter syndrome from time to time, wondering if they have really earned and deserve their success and if they're really up to the task.

imposter syndrome, psychology, self-doubt, strengths, weaknesses, Self-doubt is normal. Photo credit: Canva

"What you're doing here, as a healthy person, is that you know what you're good at, and you know what you're not good at," he says. But other people only see what you're good at. You see your full internal landscape, and you can see what you're still trying to get better at. But that's not what the world sees.

"They're looking at the ways that you're creating value," Brooks says. "You're looking at the ways that you can't create value yet. And you tend to focus, because of what psychologists call negativity bias, on what you don't have as opposed to what you have. When you focus as a striving, hard-working, ambitious, and upwardly mobile person on what you don't have, you're going to feel like an imposter. That's just the way it is, unless you're a dark triad."

No one wants to be a dark triad, so having imposter syndrome is actually a positive sign. But that doesn't make it easier to deal with.

How to make imposter syndrome work in your favor

Brooks says understanding your impostor syndrome and trying to get better at the things you see you're not good at yet is the key to using it as an opportunity for growth.

"If you feel imposter syndrome, that's great," he says. "That means all kinds of good things about you. But don't miss the opportunity. Don't miss the opportunity to focus on the ways that you actually can get better and keep striving more for it. Lean into the imposter syndrome without giving in to it. Lean in without giving in. When you're an accomplished professional, and you're upwardly mobile, and you're being successful, what that means is that people are focusing more on your strengths than your weaknesses. And it also says you have more manifest strengths than you do weaknesses."

That's a helpful reminder. If things are going in the opposite direction, your weaknesses may be taking center stage, but Brooks also reminds us that we're not all weaknesses and not all strengths.

strengths, weaknesses, imposter syndrome, psychology, self-doubt Use imposter syndrome to assess your strengths and weaknesses. Photo credit: Canva

"Here's the problem: If you're a well-adjusted person with a modicum of humility, you're going to feel like a loser when everybody else sees you as a winner, " he says. "But rest assured that when things are going well for you, that means that people are more focused on your strengths than they are on your weaknesses. Don't focus more on your weaknesses than your strengths, but recognize them, because that's your opportunity for growth and change and improvement."

Self-doubt is evidence of a healthy sense of humility, which is good. If we can reframe imposter syndrome, seeing it as a positive sign and an opportunity to determine which areas we can focus on to improve, perhaps it will feel less scary and more like a catalyst for growth.

You can see more from Dr. Brooks at https://arthurbrooks.com/.

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Actress Gabourey Sidibe shocks fans by revealing everyone's been pronouncing her name wrong

"It's Senegalese, so it's got accents that I don't use."

Gabourey Sidibe; names; baby names; name pronunciation; common names; uncommon names

Greg Hernandez/Wikimedia Commons

Actress Gabourey Sidibe shocks fans by revealing everyone's been mispronouncing her name

Some names take a few tries to get right. People who grew up with slightly more complicated names often envied those who could find their name on keychains at amusement parks. Gabourey Sidibe is personally familiar with the struggle of living with a unique name. The Oscar-nominated actress is known for her breakout role in the 2009 film Precious.

Since stepping onto the scene, the pronunciation of her name seems to vary depending on who says it. But recently, in an interview, the actress revealed that no one has pronounced her name the way her parents intended. Nischelle Turner caught up with the actress on Entertainment Tonight as she promotes her directorial debut for Mary J. Blige Presents: Be Happy, premiering on Lifetime.

After reminiscing on Sidibe's first interview with the network, the pair shifted gears, eventually landing on the actress's name pronunciation. Turner appeared shocked when the mom of twins revealed the proper pronunciation.

It starts with Turner asking if her last name is pronounced " si-da-bay " or "si-di-bay." Neither pronunciation was correct. The actress smiles and says, "It's actually si-DEE-beh. It's Senegalese, so it's got accents that I don't use, but I usually say Sidi-bay because Americans need things to rhyme, so I say it's Sidi-bay like city by the bay. For the record, my name also is not Gab-ou-ray," She laughs. "If that matters."

Gabourey Sidibe; names; baby names; name pronunciation; common names; uncommon names Gabourey SidibeJohn Matthew Smith/Wikimedia Commons

Turner's face says what plenty of viewers were probably thinking. Has the world been pronouncing her entire name incorrectly since she became famous? Yes, yes, it has. "It is actually, Ga-BOU-rey," Sidibe shares while Turner repeats her pronunciation. "You're from America," she giggles nearly uncontrollably. The Entertainment Tonight host demands that the actress make people say her name correctly, but she has no plans to correct people.

Turns out, Sidibe began embracing her Americanized pronunciation when she was still in school. Like many with unique names, she was used to people mispronouncing her name, and she used to correct them. Eventually, she decided that Gabby worked because people didn't have difficulty saying that name. Some people who struggle with others pronouncing their name correctly can go in the opposite direction. They may start not being confident enough to correct others, but as they age, they begin to find themselves demanding that people put in the effort to learn their actual name.

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As for Sidibe, she says, "I would rather be some name I decide is good enough rather than it being completely butchered."

People who viewed the clip are happy to learn the pronunciation of her name, with one person sharing, "I’m actually very happy she is telling us how to properly pronounce her name!!"

This person says they have regrets about shortening their name, writing, "I shortened my name when I was younger because I got tired of people butchering it. As I got older, I realized that's their problem, not mine. SAY MY NAME! SAY YOUR NAME!"

Gabourey Sidibe; names; baby names; name pronunciation; common names; uncommon names Gabourey SidibeSiebbi/Wikimedia Commons

Another shares that they love how the actress's name is pronounced, "I LOVE how she actually pronounces it! Beautiful name!"

"Make us learn your name. I love it and it’s who you are . But I get it, folks call me Mya and correcting my whole life is exhausting.. but if I want you to know who I am, ima correct you - it’s ME’YA Miya," someone else chimes in.

Names are important, but everyone has their own approach to how they deal with incorrect pronunciations. Some prefer nicknames that they choose, like Sidibe, while others prefer people pronounce their full names correctly. While others may not correct anyone and answer to whatever name is called, asking someone how they pronounce their name may help stop mispronunciations and help the person feel seen.

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