Former bully reveals her mom's brutal 'lesson in humility' that made her change her ways
Two simple words made all the difference.
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Humility and grace go a long way.
We all agree that bullying is bad, yes? I think most adults would agree, at least in theory, that we should treat people with kindness and not with cruelty. But that doesn't change the fact that bullying happens every day in all walks of life. Schools, for example, are rife with it. And that's because a lot of children are still learning crucial skills like empathy, humility, and basic human decency.
When parents catch their own kids being bullies, they usually go down one of two different roads. They may refuse to believe that it's true. My child would never! There must be some kind of misunderstanding! This opens the door for the behavior to continue. On the other hand, other well-meaning parents may bring the hammer down. Yelling, punishments, you name it. It's preferable to ignoring the problem, that's for sure, but it may still miss the mark in terms of teaching a lasting lesson.
A TikTok user, Steph, recently shared her own story of being a former bully, and the exceptional job her mother did handling it when she found out.
There are tons of reasons why people bully others, but it's never a good thing. Giphy
Steph admits in the video that she had been saying cruel things on the school bus to a neighbor girl named Lisa when they were about nine years old. One day, Steph was surprised to find Lisa's mom at her house telling her own mom all about it. Steph's mom was shocked and disappointed.
She says her parents weren't big on yelling or even punishments. They preferred that their kids learn from natural consequences, so what followed was a natural fit: Steph was going to have to apologize to Lisa.
It sounds obvious, but it's a step a lot of parents skip when it comes to bullying. And it's really one of the most important and empathetic parts of the whole process. When you do something wrong or you hurt someone, the right thing to do is apologize.
But Steph's mom wasn't content with an eyes-down, mumbled, "I'm sorry." After making Steph "march" to Lisa's house and face Lisa's family, Steph said, "Lisa, I'm really sorry for the things I've been saying to you." But that wasn't good enough for mom.
"Such as?" Steph's mom said. She then made Steph repeat the horrible things she'd been saying in front of her, in front of Lisa, and in front of Lisa's mom. There was no sidestepping or glossing over her behavior. It was all out in the open for everyone to see in all of its ugliness. The shame and dread Steph felt in that moment has stayed with her forever, but she learned an important lesson in humility and how to take accountability for her actions that day.
"I never bullied anyone again after that."
Watch Steph's whole story here:
@absurdoblivion In elementary school I bullied a neighbour on the bus ride home over a period of several weeks. Here is the story of how my gentle parent mom dealt with it. …. I still feel ashamed of my behaviour to this DAY!!!!! #bullying
People loved Steph's mom's amazing approach to a difficult situation.
Over a million viewers on TikTok watched Steph's video, with many chiming in with support or stories of their own:
"Appropriate shame is so important in human social path development. Your mom is a queen for doing this"
"My mom sat me down and said 'where did you learn to be mean because I did not raise a mean girl and that’s what you are' her words still ring in my head 17 years later"
"i had second hand shame listening to this. wow. thank you for sharing. ill be implementing this in our family"
"Making you repeat everything in front of her mom is the ultimate consequence"
"Saying out loud specifically what you did is a HUGE part of taking accountability. Great work mom."
One study from a surprising place — trains! — showed that when 'apology messages' were more specific, they were accompanied with more forgiveness. It's much easier to be vague, i.e. "I'm sorry for what I did." Being specific forces us to admit our mistakes on a deeper level and ultimately connect better with the people we've hurt.
Experts agree that an apology is in order when one kid bullies another. Teaching empathy, setting clear expectations for behavior changes you want to see, and being supportive in helping your child make those changes are also key. Consequences for bullying behavior can work, but it's best not to let your temper flare too much. Kids who bully may be being mistreated by an adult or older kid in their own life, so handling the situation with love and empathy is preferable to anger.
Steph's mother's technique is good inspiration. A genuine, specific, and heartfelt apology can go a long way in changing the lives of a bullied kid and the bully.