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Study reveals parents who 'gentle parent' may have higher stress levels than those who don't

An eye opening study shares why.

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Gentle parenting may create more stress than traditional parenting

Gentle parenting continues to be the most talked about new way to parent children. It focuses on recognizing and validating the child's emotional response rather than a form of punishment. The idea is to honor the child's autonomy and respect as a new human in this world while teaching them emotional regulation to better help them navigate life. It's a beautiful theory in the abstract but in practice, the parenting technique isn't as easy as social media makes you believe it is.

Many parents are now reporting struggling with gentle parenting and a recent study gives a surprising answer as to why that might be. When a person is using gentle parenting, they also have to be in charge of regulating their own emotions since you can't help a child regulate theirs if you're not calm. This step can be a bit of a stumbling block for some parents, especially when a behavior continues to occur and frustration sets in.

Parents who use a more traditional parenting approach don't appear to have the same level of stress as those who use gentle parenting. Surprisingly, the stress difference isn't due to lack of boundaries which a lot of people associate with gentle parenting. The increased level of stress for those who gentle parent is actually because there's no definition for gentle parenting according to the study.

Fun Kids GIF by Bed Bath & BeyondGiphy

Essentially, gentle parenting isn't real. There's no group of parenting experts and psychologists that have sat around and laid out the parameters of gentle parenting. It's a term coined by author Sarah Ockwell-Smith though she doesn't take credit for the parenting style she wrote a book titled, "The Gentle Parenting Book: How to raise calmer, happier children from birth to seven." While the book is her version of a "how to guide," there's no real definition of what gentle parenting is or what it entails.

Many parents who claim to use gentle parenting don't associate the style of parenting to the author, it's a term that sort of went viral and caught on. This is leaving new parents struggling to know what gentle parenting is and if they're doing it correctly, adding to their stress.

Parenting Go Get It GIF by Back to the Future TrilogyGiphy

The study by Anne E. Pezalla and Alice J. Davidson observes, "Gentle parenting appears to be distinct from other established measures of parenting approaches in its emphasis on boundaries, yet the enactment of those boundaries is not uniform," before later adding, "a subset of gentle parents who were highly critical of themselves reported significantly lower levels of efficacy than the rest of the sample."

This doesn't mean everyone was dissatisfied with their journey into gentle parenting, on the contrary. Most participants were happy with chossing gentle parenting but the level of stress related to questioning if they were doing it right varied. It's the ones who were critical of their own parenting that seem to struggle the most.

Meaghan Rath Comedy GIF by Children Ruin EverythingGiphy

Pezalla and Davidson highlight, "What seems to be unique about the gentle parenting movement is that it has not been presented or advocated by scholars of human development; rather, it has largely been the product of social media. Considering that parents are increasingly stressed or burned out by their caregiving responsibilities it is imperative that evidence-based guidance is made available to those who are interested in gentle parenting."

There has been a movement away from gentle parenting for some on social media, which may in part be due to the murkiness around what gentle parenting is. But gentle parenting isn't the only way to parent that focuses on teaching emotional regulation and respecting the child's autonomy. Parenting styles have been around for generations and "traditional parenting" has sort of become a catch all for anything not called gentle parenting.

The more traditional parenting styles include authoritarian, authoritative and permissive. Authoritarian parenting tends to be high discipline with little regard for the child's feelings. Permissive parenting is focused on the child's happiness with very few or no boundaries. Authoritative parenting focuses more on warmth towards the child with reasonable boundaries and consequences.

It would seem that gentle parenting takes a page from Dr. John Gottman by using emotional coaching in the parenting approach while adding things from positive parenting and conscious parenting along with what they are seeing online portrayed as gentle parenting. Since there's no evidence-based information around gentle parenting, parents practicing it may continue to feel additional stress versus those who are using more evidenced based approaches like authoritative parenting.

No matter what parenting style you have, raising a child isn't easy so if one parenting style isn't working for you, there are plenty others out there.

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Art teacher explains exactly what to say about your toddler's scribbles to boost their self-esteem

"I tried this with my almost 4 yo this morning. I couldn’t believe the way he lit up."

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Find beauty in the unconventional.

Having a young child means dealing with an avalanche of papers coming your way every single day. My 4-year-old comes home with a folder full of school artwork five days a week. Then there's coloring sheets from restaurants and the ones she brings home from the grocery store. On the weekends, we usually have some kind of art time in the mornings and that leads to a stack of a half-dozen more drawings that we have to figure out something to do with.

At her age, most of the art is scribbles or crude attempts at unicorns. Hey, I'm just being honest! Whenever she shows me what she's made, I'm always careful to praise and tell her how impressed I am. I tell her that what she's made is beautiful and amazing. The most important thing to me is that she feels encouraged to keep going. Outside of that, I never really know what to say. After the fifth scribbly-line drawing I've seen that day I tend to run out of superlatives.

An art teacher on TikTok recently explained that there might be a better way to react to your young child's scribbles.


gif of white scribbles against a pink backgroundScribbles are art. Giphy

Susan Striker is an art educator who specializes in teaching art and creativity skills to young children. Her famous Anti-Coloring Book series challenges kids not just to color inside the lines, but to let their imaginations run far wilder, and has sold over a million copies worldwide. So, Striker has a lot to say about how to foster creativity in our kids.

"This is not just a scribble," she says in a recent video, holding up a piece of messy toddler art. "This is the introduction to fluency and literacy for your child. Don't just say 'Very pretty, honey,' and throw it in the garbage. That is not what this is about." She recommends calling out the specific elements of the scribble that are building blocks to writing letters, numbers, and more advanced art.

"Oh, aren't you smart, sweetheart, you made a diagonal line! And look at this, a curved line and a straight line, you are so clever. ... I see a horizontal line, you're a genius! ... Are you sure you're only three?"

By naming and praising these elements of their work, we can help them learn what these foundational pieces are and how they're used. It also allows us to offer them specific praise rather than general, which boosts their self-esteem and confidence and gives them the fuel to keep creating. Though tempting, Susan also says try to avoid interpreting what they've drawn.

"Don't tell them that this [round thingy] looks like a wheel. This is a round shape. What it reminds you of will come much, much later."

To a young mind, it might not be apparent how a squiggly line reminds you of a squirrel, for example. It might be a tough concept for them to grasp and may leave them confused or frustrated that you aren't seeing their art the same way they do. Smaller concepts like light and dark, close together and far apart, colors, basic shapes and types of lines—these are things they can understand and build on.

Watch Striker's fantastic explanation of the technique here:


@susanstrikeryoungatart

Scribbles provide an important opportunity to talk to your toddler, provide vocabulary, and promote literacy! #reading #readiness #scribbles #Vocabulary #todddler #art #kidsart #childrensart #childrenspainting #goodartprojects #teachingontiktok #criticalthinking #fypシ #fypage #teachingart #artlessons

Striker's advice struck both a practical and emotional cord with parents.

It's so easy to see how this concept can help a child as they begin to learn about drawing letters, numbers, and basic shapes. They're all composed of the horizontal, diagonal, vertical, or curved lines our kids use in their drawings without even realizing it. So naming those elements helps free drawing become a sort of practice for more advanced skills.

"Susan!! This is so helpful and wonderful! I didn’t realize this until after we started practicing writing letters. And now I realize how helpful this would’ve been way before. Thanks for sharing," wrote one commenter.

"Love this! My 18 mo old and I were coloring today and she's just beginning to scribble more. Thank you for sharing this valuable perspective on how to talk about early art," said another.

Others found Striker's techniques moving, both in the way it helped them see their own kids in a new light and how it made them wish they had more support and encouragement when they were young themselves.


gif of man cryingIt's okay to cry about it. Giphy

"Can someone do this for my scribble please."

"This healed something that I didn't know needed to be healed."

"i hope you teach. i wish my elementary art teachers were as kind as you."

"I tried this with my almost 4 yo this morning who has never been interested in coloring or scribbling," one commenter wrote. "I couldn’t believe the way he lit up. He spent a half hour drawing! Thank you so much for this!!"

As a dad, I can't wait to try these ideas out. I'm really excited to have a tool in my toolbox to both help my kid feel encouraged in her creativity and make even more progress toward writing and reading. Now if Susan Striker could only help me with the five-foot tall pile of artwork taking over my garage, all of my problems would be solved!

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Psychologist shares the 5 'core' memories your child will cherish from their childhood

A lot of parents will be surprised by her answers.

via Julia Kuzenkov/Pexels

It doesn't take money to create cherished memories.

There’s a popular trend where parents often share they are creating “core memories” for their children on social media posts, whether it’s planning an elaborate vacation or creating an extra-special holiday moment. While it’s important for parents to want their kids to have happy childhoods, sometimes it feels presumptuous when they believe they can manufacture a core memory. Especially when a child’s inner world is so different than an adult's.

The concept of "core memories" was first introduced in 2015 in Disney's Inside Out. In it, "core memories" are born from moments and experiences that majorly shape a part of the main character, Riley's, personality. The experience(s) can be grand or benign; the point is these moments are ultimately forming Riley into the person she is. Seems pretty hard to manufacture such a moment, but parents are certainly trying.

Carol Kim, a mother of three and licensed Marriage and family Therapist, known as Parenting.Resilience on Instagram, recently shared the “5 Things Kids Will Remember from Their Childhood” on her page. The fascinating insight is that none of the entries had to do with extravagant vacations, over-the-top birthday parties, or Christmas gifts that kids could only dream about.

According to Kim, the five things that kids will remember all revolve around their parents' presence and support. "Notice how creating good memories doesn’t require expensive toys or lavish family trips. Your presence is the most valuable present you can give to your child,” Kim wrote in the post’s caption.

1. Quality time together

"Taking some time to focus only on your child is very special. Playing games, reading books, or just talking can create strong, happy memories. These moments show your child that you are present with them."

2. Words of encouragement

"Encouraging words can greatly impact your child during both good times and tough times. Kids often seek approval from their parents and your positive words can be a strong motivator and source of comfort.... It can help kids believe in themselves, giving them the confidence to take on new challenges and keep going when things get tough."

A mother and child riding a small bike.

Engaging in play is free and impactful.

via Gustavo Fring/Pexels

3. Family traditions

“It creates a feeling of stability and togetherness … Family traditions make children feel like they belong and are part of a larger story, deepening their sense of security and understanding of family identity and values.”

4. Acts of kindness

“Seeing and doing kind things leaves a strong impression on children. It shows them the importance of being kind and caring. They remember how good it feels to help others and to see their parents helping too.”

5. Comfort during tough times

"Knowing they can rely on you during tough times makes them feel secure and build trust. … Comforting them when they're struggling shows them they are loved no matter what, helping them feel emotionally secure and strong."

A family making a meal together.

It's really about quality time and true connection.

via Elina Fairytale/Pexels

Kim’s strategies are all beautiful ways to be present in our children’s lives and to communicate our support. However, these seemingly simple behaviors can be challenging for some parents who are dealing with issues stemming from their pasts.

“If you find barriers to providing these things, it’s important to reflect on why,” Kim writes in the post. “There could be several reasons, such as parenting in isolation (we’re not meant to parent alone), feeling overstimulated, dealing with past trauma, or struggling with mental health. Recognizing these challenges is the first step to addressing them and finding support.”


This article originally appeared last year.

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3 things I learned from my kid's ADHD therapy that every parent needs to know

Parent Child Interaction Therapy was the ultimate crash course in parenting a stubborn child.

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Learning more means doing better for everyone.

We knew our now 4-year-old daughter was different very early on in her life. On her first birthday, she had another 1-year-old friend over to play in the backyard (it was COVID times, so there was no big party with all of her daycare friends). The boy, a neighbor of ours, sat and played in the baby pool for a solid hour without moving or making much of a peep. Our daughter, meanwhile, stripped off her swim diaper and spent the entire afternoon wandering around the yard, rolling in grass, swinging sticks around, and generally making mayhem. Making mayhem pretty much became her norm for the next few years. She slept poorly, had multiple meltdowns every day, and was so defiant my wife and I were left completely exasperated and in tears most days.

It wasn’t too long before we started to look into parenting coaching to get a grip on her behavior and regain some sense of normalcy in our lives. The stuff that had worked with our older daughter had been a colossal failure thus far. I loved our parenting coach and her ideas. Talking to her was almost like therapy for us. But her techniques didn’t work either. Then we tried Occupational Therapy. Our daughter loved going because she got to climb around on obstacle courses and play fun games that were meant to work on her vestibular system and help her feel more calm and grounded, but we never saw much of a difference in her.

gif of a a tired man falling to the floorWe were exhausted.Giphy

Finally, we took the plunge and did a full-scale psychiatric evaluation, and the results showed that she had ADHD. It confirmed what we pretty much already knew. We thought we’d be going down the medication road sooner than later, but our doctor actually recommended a specific kind of therapy. It was called PCIT.

Parent Child Interaction Therapy promised to ‘train’ us on how to better interact with our daughter. Great, more parenting coaching, we thought. Another person to tell us that we need to be more consistent, apply more discipline, and yadda yadda yadda. But we didn’t have any other options, so we gave it a try.

In short, and to our complete surprise, PCIT has been a life-changer. When it was described to us as coaching or training, they really weren’t kidding. We spent several sessions in the office with our daughter while literally being observed with a camera and fed lines through a headset! As of this writing, we’ve been practicing the techniques for several months and we’ve seen a big difference. At so many points throughout the therapy, my wife and I agreed that all parents with stubborn kids should go through this program.

Here are just a few of the things we learned that helped us immediately in our daily life with a super defiant, too-smart-for-her-own-good, highly dysregulated kiddo.

1. The magic of 'Special Time'

boy playing with blocks on white wooden table Photo by Ryan Fields on Unsplash

Our first task in PCIT was to have more positive interactions with our daughter. We spent so much of our time telling her, "No," reprimanding her, arguing, bargaining, negotiating, and punishing that it was making it really hard to take any joy in being her parent.

So, our therapist introduced us to a concept called Special Time. For just five minutes every day, we were instructed to give our daughter our undivided attention and fill her with as much positive energy as possible. There were extremely specific ways that we did this, and, in fact, we even practiced and were measured in the therapy setting on how well we implemented all the techniques! But during Special Time, we play with our daughter one-on-one and let her lead the interaction. Our job is to play along. Meanwhile, we shower her with praise (“Wow, I love how nicely you’re sharing the toys with me!”), touch or speak to her affectionately (“I’m having so much fun playing with you”), imitate the way she played and even echo things she said back to her to let her know she was being heard and listened to. Doing Special Time made a huge difference, almost immediately, in reducing her negative attention seeking behaviors.

And we always feel good at the end of it, which helps offset the stress and frustration of our many conflicts. If you’ve got a kid that sometimes acts out for attention, pre-emptively giving them lots and lots of positive attention might help.

2. The Time Out flow chart

I think a lot of parents can relate when I say that, for years, we found implementing punishments with our daughter to be a disaster most of the time. With a stubborn and dysregulated kid, doing things like taking a toy away or doing 'No Dessert' would almost always cause an explosion, and/or end up hurting us more than it hurt her.

A lot of parenting experts have their own approach to Time Out, but not many of them are clinically validated like the one used in PCIT. When we learned how to do Time Out properly, Time Out became the primary 'punishment' we use. When she doesn't do what we clearly ask her to do, or she breaks a House Rule (like 'No Hitting'), she goes into Time Out. Once she's ready to do the thing we asked, she can come out of Time Out and the conflict is over. She can go right back to playing or having dessert. It’s so much simpler.

Although, when I first saw the flow chart for how Time Out worked, it looked like anything but simple.

a flow chart about how to handle Time Out in PCITIt looks complicated at first, but it's actually simpler and more effective than we thought.Evan Porter/Upworthy

Seeing this flow chart at first was incredibly overwhelming! But with a little practice, it made sense. The first couple times using the Time Out sequence at home were a little rough, but after a little while of being consistent with it, just the threat of it is usually enough to get our daughter back on the right track.

Even if you don't follow the brain-dizzying flow chart above, I think all parents could benefit from learning a consistent Time Out sequence that ends with your child complying every single time without fail. It's tough! Sometimes it takes a while and you have to be a little stubborn yourself in order to see it all the way through to the end, but the investment is worth it.

3. Active Ignoring

This one is a little controversial in some circles but we found it to be an excellent tool to have in our toolbox. Our therapist even told us that if she could teach her patients just one thing, it would be how and when to use Active Ignoring or Selective Attention.

A handout from UC Davis describes this technique as: "We use Selective Attention to deal with behaviors that are minor, irritating, and inappropriate. Ignoring these behaviors is an active way to correct them! You will strategically use the technique to stop specific behaviors," like whining, sulking, screaming, being clingy, lying, and more. The idea is that these behaviors are attention-seeking so any kind of attention only fans the flames and rewards them.

gif of a woman trying to get a man's attentionSometimes being unbothered works.Giphy

When our daughter is fussy, irritated, and whiny, we first try to help her regulate. One of the best ways we learned to do this (again, through PCIT!) is with leading by example. We used to bombard her with calming options. “Want to color? Want a snack? Oh, let’s walk outside! How about a drink of water? What if we put on some music?” And of course she would just say No, No, No!!!! And then we’d wonder why we could never get her to calm down by coloring. It turns out that sometimes what works way better, and is less overwhelming for her, is if we just calmly get out all the supplies and start coloring ourselves. She’ll almost always join in when she’s ready.

But if we just can't shake the grumpiness and whining and tantrums, we'll turn to Active Ignoring. This approach has two big benefits. Number one, it stops the conflict from escalating further. We used to get into these cycles where everything we would try to say or do would just make the tantrums worse to the point they became full-blown nuclear explosions. By just walking away, we were able to nip a lot of those in the bud. Number two, ignoring helps keep us calm. Yes, parents are human beings that get frustrated and angry and upset, too! And when those emotions start to pile up, it makes everything worse. Having the freedom to just turn away or walk away or stop talking has done wonders for our mental health.

Sometimes, some of the techniques we've learned in therapy feel "mean." We're not able to be as flexible and gentle sometimes as we'd like to do, but that's because flexible and gentle is not what our daughter needs most of the time. She needs us to be strong and consistent. That makes us reliable and safe, and it helps keep her regulated. The techniques taught in PCIT won't be right for every kid or every family, but it was right for us.

I was as skeptical going into all of this as anyone, but going through the therapy has allowed us to enjoy being her parents so much more. She's the sweetest kid and one of the funniest people on the planet. She brings so much fun and laughter to our lives, and it's been absolutely amazing to spend less time butting heads with her and more time soaking in her incredible energy.

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