Teens might seem uncomfortable at first, but you can help make them feel at ease.
Have you ever seen someone who seems to have a knack for talking with teens and wondered what their secret was? Sometimes it seems like getting young people to offer anything other than monosyllabic answers to questions is like pulling teeth. Maybe they're shy or self-conscious, or maybe the questions adults tend to ask aren't very effective at getting them to open up, but when you're gathering with family for the holidays and want to spend time getting to know your teenage relatives, it can be tough when the conversation feels awkward or forced.
Shyness is real and self-consciousness often comes with adolescence, so there's not a whole lot we can do about those things, but there are ways to engage young people that are more likely to result in a real conversation. When our "How's school going?" gets a "fine" or a "good," we know we need some better questions, but it's not always easy to think of those on the spot.
That's where some helpful guidance from Raising Teens Today comes in super handy.
Most teens actually like to talk if you ask the right questions.Photo credit: Canva
"Let me clue you in on a little secret... teenagers LOVE to talk," writes Nancy Reynolds, the mom behind the Raising Teens Today website. "Sounds crazy, right? I promise, you can get the quietest teen on the planet chatting simply by asking them questions that make them feel comfortable and want to share their world with you."
First, she offers some points to keep in mind as you chat with teens specifically:
- Steer clear of subjects that can put them on the defensive or make them feel awkward or inferior, including their grades, changing bodies, or whether they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, for instance.
- Keep it light. Don't get into heavy subjects. Teens have a lot on their shoulders already. Laugh a little. Have fun.
- Ask questions that will get them talking. Ask about their friends, things they love doing, books or sports or hobbies they love, their passions or dreams.
- Don't ask "loaded" questions such as, "You ARE going to college, right?'" Or, "Do you EVER look up from your phone?" Nothing will make a teenager clam up faster.
- Teenagers are young adults. Treat them as such. Show respect.
- Just be authentic. Teens can spot a fake from afar. If you're genuinely interested in their life and they sense you truly care, they'll open their heart... and when they do, it's such a gift.
The mom of three teens also gave some suggestions for what to ask in place of the standard questions we tend to use. An "ask this, not that" of talking to young people.
These questions go beyond the standard ones adults often ask or provide a twist on the classics that put young people at ease:
"What's the most interesting thing you've learned this year?"
"What do you enjoy doing with your friends?"
"It won't be long before you graduate. I'm so anxious to hear your plans!"
"I'd love to hear what you've been up to if you feel like chatting."
"What's your favorite thing to do when you're not in school?"
"What's the coolest thing you've seen online recently?"
"What's the one thing you're most looking forward to next year?"
Don't bombard them—it's not an interrogation–but try out a couple and see how they go. It's important to note that some kids might be flummoxed by questions that require them to choose "the one" or "the most" or "favorite," so you can always alter those kinds of questions to be more open-ended, like this:
"What's something you like to do when you're not in school?"
"What classes are you finding interesting or challenging?"
"Have you read or seen anything you really enjoyed lately?"
"What are you looking forward to after the holidays?"
You can also think about meeting kids and teens where they are by being curious about the reality of their lives—but in a way that isn't overly intrusive or judgmental. For instance, instead of only asking what their favorite subject is in school, ask what their least favorite subject is as well. That will almost surely get them talking. Instead of scoffing about them being on their phones, ask them what social media sites they like the most and why they prefer them to others. You can also ask them their opinions about things like whether they prefer reading paper or digital books, whether they prefer lectures or small group discussions, whether they feel like they learn better from listening, watching or doing. Questions like these don't make them feel like they're being quizzed or tested, because there aren't any right or wrong or even preferable answers.
If you do ask about a "favorite," make it something that they can easily choose a favorite from and something that can lead to further conversation. For instance, "Do you have a favorite teacher?" followed up by "What do you like about them and their class?" That can lead to a nice back and forth about what makes a teacher effective, what makes a class interesting or boring, and what your own experiences with good or bad teachers has been.
Another way to engage teens at your family gatherings is to ask them to help with something in the kitchen. Giving them something helpful to do takes the social spotlight off of them and creates more opportunity for small connections, making more meaningful conversations feel like the natural next step.
Getting them in the kitchen can help with conversations.Photo credit: Canva
People are appreciating the tips offered, as connecting with young people can be a challenge for many adults.
"Where were these questions when I was younger?? How different would the conversation been?"
"🫶🏽 It’s all in the wording! Connections are so important."
"I love this!!! It can be a lot of work getting your teen to go to an adult gathering. It’s never helpful when they get there and end up feeling either judged or completely ignored. It only isolates them further when what they need more than anything is connection with adults."
"Thank you for this. My father will ask my 14 year old what she wants to do for college and I can see the anxiety build up in her. How about what do you like to do in your spare time? What are you proud of? What are you interested in?"
"I’m a grandparent and this is just what I was looking for to open a positive interaction during family events. Thanks again!! 🙌"
It's definitely worth trying some of these out over the holidays.
You can follow Raising Teens Today on Facebook, Instagram and raisingteenstoday.com.
