Family

We all love the idea of two polar opposites coming together to balance each other out. But according to experts who study relationships, the most lasting ones share a majority of common ground…at least when it comes to certain aspects of life.

Mark Travers, psychologist and CNBC Make It contributor said, “Long-term relationship health depends less on how different two people are and more on what they actually have in common.”

Famed relationship expert John Gottman seconded this sentiment, saying that while most couples are “more dissimilar than similar,” that also have “core values they share.”

So what do happy couples really share? Travers himself previously listed five. We’ve also added two more, backed by expert research and a bit of good old fashioned real life anecdotes.

1. A shared sense of humor

Having a shared sense of humor is important. Photo credit: Canva

Travers notes that the comedy preference doesn’t have to be identical here, but what’s most important is that happy couples are able to “laugh together, regularly” in their everyday life.

This turns stress into humor, building a resilient rhythm between both parties. One Redditor put it simply: “Similar doesn’t have to mean the same… [but it’s]important to find someone who gets you and your jokes and vice versa. Also, that you can both find humor in the same situations.”

There’s certainly research to back this up.

A study published in Motivation & Emotion by Doris G. Bazzini and colleagues found that when couples reminisced about shared laughter, their reported relationship satisfaction increased. Another study found that happy couples tend to assume that their partner’s humor styles are similar to their own.

2. Similar communication styles

Research shows that couples who speak the same “emotional language” tend to feel more connected and satisfied.Photo credit: Canva

Whether it’s “let’s talk now” or “give me space then chat,” what matters is being in sync. When partners understand how the other handles “the hard talk,” trust deepens.

Research consistently shows that couples who speak the same “emotional language” tend to feel more connected and satisfied. In a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, researchers found that couples reported being happier during periods when they used less negative communication than usual. Small shifts in tone (choosing empathy over defensiveness, calm over criticism, etc.) had measurable effects on how close partners felt.

And yes, science even says that people who naturally match each other’s conversational rhythm are more likely to click. A study from Psychological Science found that couples who “speak in similar styles”—using similar phrasing, pacing, and even filler words—were more romantically compatible overall.

3. Aligned social needs

Happy couples are usually simpatico about how much social interaction feels right.Photo credit: Canva

Not every couple is made up of two perfectly matched extroverts or two homebodies. But happy couples are usually simpatico about how much social interaction feels right.

A 2024 study in Nature Scientific Reports showed that when partners’ “social companionship behaviors” matched (meaning they engaged similarly in social or affective activities) both partners reported more positive behaviors toward each other and higher satisfaction overall.

Experts say that shared social preferences create what psychologists call a “shared reality,” which helps provide a shared sense of “meaning.” It also helps prevent “recurring tension,” Travers notes.

“There’s no dragging each other along, no passive-aggressive comments, no punishment for needing different things," Travers said.

4. A curiosity about arts, culture, and life

Engaging in new and stimulating experiences together helps couples feel closer.Photo credit: Canva

This doesn’t mean having “identical playlists or favorite authors,” so much as it means both partners are open to exploring together, says Travers.

Furthermore, psychologists have long found that engaging in new and stimulating experiences together helps couples feel closer. One landmark study from 2000 found that partners who took part in anything from museum visits to dance classes reported greater relationship satisfaction than those who stuck to routine.

Newer research also backs this up. A 2021 study in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that participating in arts and cultural activities—like attending concerts, exhibitions, or theater performances—had a measurable positive impact on both interpersonal relationships and overall life satisfaction. It’s almost like art is really, really important for our wellbeing or something…

Basically, the couples who stay culturally curious aren’t just enriching their individual lives. They’re enriching their connection.

5. Genuine interest in one another

An older couple. Photo credit: Canva

This one might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s also one of the first things couples start to take for granted. When partners remember each other’s newest favorite tea flavor or ask (really ask) about a book they’re reading, it shows genuine curiosity about who their partner is right now. That simple act of paying attention helps keep love alive.

A 2024 study in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found that “feeling known by your partner”—i.e., believing they understand your thoughts, feelings, and experiences—is one of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. Another study on emotional attunement found that couples who accurately perceive each other’s emotions and daily experiences report higher trust, closeness, and overall relationship quality.

As psychologist Todd Kashdan puts it: “Being interested is more important in cultivating a relationship and maintaining a relationship than being interesting.”

And it’s not just the experts saying this. Real people feel it, too.

“It’s absolutely necessary for any person I date to be curious about me as a person. … If they don’t ask me anything, or show interest in me as a person, he doesn’t even get a date.” — u/ChaoticxSerenity, r/AskWomenOver30

And here are our two additional contributions…

6. Shared attitudes toward money

A couple going over finances. Photo credit: Canva

Studies show that couples who share similar financial values—how they spend, save, and set goals—report higher relationship satisfaction and fewer conflicts. Furthermore, when both partners see money as a way to build security or freedom rather than as a source of stress or status, things flow more easily.

Again, real people echo the scientifically backed sentiment. One Reddit user shared, "People who have a partner with a similar financial mindset are so lucky... When it comes to building wealth, choosing a frugal partner may be the single most important factor.”

7. Shared life goals

Having shared values is important. Photo credit: Canva

For many, connecting on heart-level priorities matters more than anything else.

“Shared values, sex, and life goals/direction are probably your most important things in determining compatibility in relationships.” — u/TheAnalogKid18, r/AskOldPeople

And this makes sense. When both partners align on the big questions, they create a foundation that outlasts the “honeymoon phase.” A study from 2023 found that couples whose life goals and values align show significantly higher relationship satisfaction and stability than those whose goals diverge.

Bottom line: “opposites attract” makes for a great rom-com plot, but in real life, it turns out compatibility wins the long game. But even if you do find that you and your partner differ on some things, if you can share a laugh, ask the hard questions, show genuine interest in each other…you’re already doing the important things right.