upworthy
Add Upworthy to your Google News feed.
Google News Button
Equality

Ever wonder how kids with autism see the world? That's all it may take to understand them.

Ever wonder how kids with autism see the world? That's all it may take to understand them.

This article originally appeared on 02.19.16


At one of the worst points, she was banging her head on the floor and the walls of her bedroom, raging and crying.

And I was doing the same because I just didn't know what else to do anymore.

Something had triggered a full-on, pupil-dilated tantrum for my then-3-year-old, Emma, complete with hair-pulling and biting — both herself and me.

That's Emma around age 3. That sweet kid having a meltdown? HEARTBREAKING, let me tell you. All photos by Tana Totsch-Kimsey, used with permission.

Feeling just as helpless as I had the last dozen times this happened, I ticked down a mental checklist: Weird food? Wrong clothes? Too hot? Loud sounds? Missing toy? She fitfully stripped down to nothing, finally signaling to me that yes, it was the jammies. She curled up next to me (me, still sobbing) and promptly fell asleep, quiet and stark naked with brilliantly red-purple bruises blooming on her arms.

This is autism. Or one form of it anyway. It has many, many ways of showing itself.

It can be both good and bad. I'll get to the good.

Fully known as autism spectrum disorder, it's a neurodevelopmental quirk that results in various shades of social and behavioral issues. One of the most common challenges across the spectrum is communicating with others; people with autism struggle with the give-and-take flow of conversation, understanding how to interact with others, and processing their own or other people's feelings. They may even seem lost in their own world or unable to express their thoughts or emotions either verbally or nonverbally.

"Lost in their own world" often looks like this. We took over 100 pictures on family picture day, and this was the only useable one.

I have a non-autistic child, too. She's five years older than Emma, and I remember my biggest frustration as a brand-new parent was that I just wished she could tell me what she needed. And it wasn't long before she did: "Mama" quickly became "I have this?" and "Don't like that" and "I can do it myself" and — now — "Oh-em-gee, Mom, get out of my room, please, GOD, ugh!" She's 10; it's fun. She cracks jokes, she rails against gender biases, and she's lined up for honors classes.

But when Emma came along next with an incessant buzz of energy — ripping pages from books presumably for the feel of it, climbing and jumping off tall things presumably for the thrill of it, eating rocks and grass (and just about anything really) presumably for the taste of it — and all of it without being able to tell me anything at all about what she needed ... it took me a long while to understand that autism is not me being terrible at parenting.

What I learned is that Emma calls for a different kind of parenting altogether.


A typical day at home for us includes peanut butter smearing, cabinet scaling, mud eating, and paper ripping. It's a little exhausting sometimes.

Progress actually happened when I let go of what was "wrong" with Emma and started figuring out what to do about it.

Emma was nearly 4 years old by the time she was given an official autism diagnosis. But when the panel of specialists finally handed over their "findings" of autism spectrum disorder after a particularly awful six-hour doctor appointment, I distinctly felt at that point (and still do) that I could not have cared less what they wanted to call it.

The moment of the diagnosis wasn't a big deal to me because it didn't really change anything. By then, Emma was already in speech and occupational therapy and going to preschool, and all of that was helping some. But the autism label did eventually lead us to a kind of therapy we hadn't heard about before.

It's called applied behavior analysis — ABA for short — and that has brought a lot of change.

Some doctors explain ABA as a reward system for when a child does something right, but it's much more than that.

Behavioral scholars and autism experts date ABA treatments back to at least 1968, when a group of university researchers wrote in an introduction for the Journal of Applied Behavior Analysis that ABA interventions could benefit individuals and society.

The treatment is highly individualized, with analysts measuring specific behaviors for each patient, crafting trials to change variables in controlled environments for each patient, and evaluating outcomes for each patient. It's used for both children and adults who have intellectual or developmental issues, and it can help them gain skills in language, socialization, and attention as well as in more educational areas, like reading and math.

And this kid is gonna need more skills than taking selfies ... although she's quite amazing at them, IMO.

ABA is complex stuff. But put super simply, it's empathy on an ultimate level.

It involves patiently observing and trying to understand what a person — often one who can't fully communicate (or even necessarily process the things going on in the world) — feels and thinks.

ABA is putting yourself in that person's place, realizing what is motivating them, and then tinkering with those behaviors using positive encouragement and reinforcement. These are "rewards" of a kind, but not necessarily tangible ones; Emma's greatest motivators are hugs and kisses, high-fives, and tickles.

And wagon rides. And a mom deciding that chewing on a piece of grass to satisfy a sensory need is not so terrible in the big picture.

Even though ABA isn't a new treatment, it's gaining attention recently because of how life-changing the empathetic perspective can be. Agencies like the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the National Institute of Mental Health (and several autism-research organizations) recognize ABA as an effective treatment for autism. Plus, access to ABA experts is expanding: Clinics with extensive ABA support and research existed mainly in larger cities for many years, but now services are being offered in places all over the country.

For me, an intensified effort to understand Emma through ABA, and to help her understand her world, changed everything.

She's almost 6 years old now, and these days, she charms just about everyone she meets. She's still mischievous and daring, but she also runs into a room and gives out hugs to everyone there. (Even strangers! It's actually really awkward sometimes.)

Seems like a small thing, but she sings about how Old MacDonald has a cow that moos. (You should hear "Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" ... adorbs!)

She can pick out her own jammies and a book to be read and a toy to keep her hands busy and the perfect spot to cuddle while she winds herself down to sleep. She giggles and beeps noses and plays chase with the dog and likes to announce, "Happy Tuesday!" She's even learning to read and write, which blows my mind when I think of those long nights spent banging heads on floors.

Emma still has autistic-meltdown fits, of course, but I get it now.

Even I have moments where I just can't even. It's really not that hard for any parent or person to relate to that. What's great, though, is that I've noticed how people outside the ABA therapy world — teachers and family and even total strangers — use the therapy, sometimes without even realizing it.

They change how they do things to adapt to what it must seem like from Emma's perspective, and that's how they end up really connecting with her. I find myself, too, exercising those empathy muscles with people other than Emma, and it makes me wonder sometimes:

What if we all did?

From Your Site Articles
EqualityMoreCulture
Badge
Levi Strauss Foundation
The Levi Strauss Foundation advances the human rights and well-being of underserved people in places where the company has a business presence
Modern Families

Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.

Even in divided times, small acts of friendship help create vibrant communities where everyone feels safe.

Once a refugee seeking safety in the U.S., Anita Omary is using what she learned to help others thrive.
Pictured here: Anita Omary; her son, Osman; and Omary’s close friends
Pictured here: Anita Omary; her son, Osman; and Omary’s close friends
True

In March 2023, after months of preparation and paperwork, Anita Omary arrived in the United States from her native Afghanistan to build a better life. Once she arrived in Connecticut, however, the experience was anything but easy.

“When I first arrived, everything felt so strange—the weather, the environment, the people,” Omary recalled. Omary had not only left behind her extended family and friends in Afghanistan, she left her career managing child protective cases and supporting refugee communities behind as well. Even more challenging, Anita was five months pregnant at the time, and because her husband was unable to obtain a travel visa, she found herself having to navigate a new language, a different culture, and an unfamiliar country entirely on her own.

“I went through a period of deep disappointment and depression, where I wasn’t able to do much for myself,” Omary said.

Then something incredible happened: Omary met a woman who would become her close friend, offering support that would change her experience as a refugee—and ultimately the trajectory of her entire life.

Understanding the journey

Like Anita Omary, tens of thousands of people come to the United States each year seeking safety from war, political violence, religious persecution, and other threats. Yet escaping danger, unfortunately, is only the first challenge. Once here, immigrant and refugee families must deal with the loss of displacement, while at the same time facing language barriers, adapting to a new culture, and sometimes even facing social stigma and anti-immigrant biases.

Welcoming immigrant and refugee neighbors strengthens the nation and benefits everyone—and according to Anita Omary, small, simple acts of human kindness can make the greatest difference in helping them feel safe, valued, and truly at home.

A warm welcome

Dee and Omary's son, Osman

Anita Omary was receiving prenatal checkups at a woman’s health center in West Haven when she met Dee, a nurse.

“She immediately recognized that I was new, and that I was struggling,” Omary said. “From that moment on, she became my support system.”

Dee started checking in on Omary throughout her pregnancy, both inside the clinic and out.

“She would call me and ask am I okay, am I eating, am I healthy,” Omary said. “She helped me with things I didn’t even realize I needed, like getting an air conditioner for my small, hot room.”

Soon, Dee was helping Omary apply for jobs and taking her on driving lessons every weekend. With her help, Omary landed a job, passed her road test on the first attempt, and even enrolled at the University of New Haven to pursue her master’s degree. Dee and Omary became like family. After Omary’s son, Osman, was born, Dee spent five days in the hospital at her side, bringing her halal food and brushing her hair in the same way Omary’s mother used to. When Omary’s postpartum pain became too great for her to lift Osman’s car seat, Dee accompanied her to his doctor’s appointments and carried the baby for her.

“Her support truly changed my life,” Omary said. “Her motivation, compassion, and support gave me hope. It gave me a sense of stability and confidence. I didn’t feel alone, because of her.”

More than that, the experience gave Omary a new resolve to help other people.

“That experience has deeply shaped the way I give back,” she said. “I want to be that source of encouragement and support for others that my friend was for me.”

Extending the welcome

Omary and Dee at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Vision Awards ceremony at the University of New Haven.

Omary is now flourishing. She currently works as a career development specialist as she continues her Master’s degree. She also, as a member of the Refugee Storytellers Collective, helps advocate for refugee and immigrant families by connecting them with resources—and teaches local communities how to best welcome newcomers.

“Welcoming new families today has many challenges,” Omary said. “One major barrier is access to English classes. Many newcomers, especially those who have just arrived, often put their names on long wait lists and for months there are no available spots.” For women with children, the lack of available childcare makes attending English classes, or working outside the home, especially difficult.

Omary stresses that sometimes small, everyday acts of kindness can make the biggest difference to immigrant and refugee families.

“Welcome is not about big gestures, but about small, consistent acts of care that remind you that you belong,” Omary said. Receiving a compliment on her dress or her son from a stranger in the grocery store was incredibly uplifting during her early days as a newcomer, and Omary remembers how even the smallest gestures of kindness gave her hope that she could thrive and build a new life here.

“I built my new life, but I didn’t do it alone,” Omary said. “Community and kindness were my greatest strengths.”

Are you in? Click here to join the Refugee Advocacy Lab and sign the #WeWillWelcome pledge and complete one small act of welcome in your community. Together, with small, meaningful steps, we can build communities where everyone feels safe.

This article is part of Upworthy’s “The Threads Between U.S.” series that highlights what we have in common thanks to the generous support from the Levi Strauss Foundation, whose grantmaking is committed to creating a culture of belonging.

Modern FamiliesMotherhoodFamilySponsored
Education

How to keep your mouth shut in conversations when you know you should really stay quiet

Most people never regret just staying silent.

quiet, finger over lips, don't talk, keep it to yourself, silence
via Canva/Photos

A woman with her finger over her mouth.

It can be hard to stay quiet when you feel like you just have to speak your mind. But sometimes it's not a great idea to share your opinions on current events with your dad or tell your boss where they're wrong in a meeting. And having a bit of self-control during a fight with your spouse is a good way to avoid apologizing the next morning.

Further, when we fight the urge to talk when it's not necessary, we become better listeners and give others a moment in the spotlight to share their views. Building that small mental muscle to respond to events rather than react can make all the difference in social situations.

argument, coworkers, angry coworkers, hostile work enviornment, disagreement A woman is getting angry at her coworker.via Canva/Photos

What is the WAIT method?

One way people have honed the skill of holding back when they feel the burning urge to speak up is the WAIT method, an acronym for the question you should ask yourself in that moment: "Why Am I Talking?" Pausing to consider the question before you open your mouth can shift your focus from "being heard" to "adding value" to any conversation.

The Center for The Empowerment Dynamic has some questions we should consider after taking a WAIT moment:

  • What is my intention behind what I am about to say?
  • What question can I ask to better understand what the other person is saying?
  • Is my need to talk an attempt to divert the attention to me?
  • How might I become comfortable with silence rather than succumb to my urge to talk?

tape over muth, sielnce, be quiet, mouth shut, saying nothing A man with tape over his mouth.via Canva/Photos

The WAIT method is a good way to avoid talking too much. In work meetings, people who overtalk risk losing everyone's attention and diluting their point to the extent that others aren't quite sure what they were trying to say. Even worse, they can come across as attention hogs or know-it-alls. Often, the people who get to the heart of the matter succinctly are the ones who are noticed and respected.

Just because you're commanding the attention of the room doesn't mean you're doing yourself any favors or helping other people in the conversation.

The WAIT method is also a great way to give yourself a breather and let things sit for a moment during a heated, emotional discussion. It gives you a chance to cool down and rethink your goals for the conversation. It can also help you avoid saying something you regret.

fight, spuse disagreement, communications skills, upset husband, argument A husband is angry with his wife. via Canva/Photos

How much should I talk in a meeting?

So if it's a work situation, like a team meeting, you don't want to be completely silent. How often should you speak up?

Cary Pfeffer, a speaking coach and media trainer, shared an example of the appropriate amount of time to talk in a meeting with six people:

"I would suggest a good measure would be three contributions over an hour-long meeting from each non-leader participant. If anyone is talking five/six/seven times you are over-participating! Allow someone else to weigh in, even if that means an occasional awkward silence. Anything less seems like your voice is just not being represented, and anything over three contributions is too much."

Ultimately, the WAIT method is about taking a second to make sure you're not just talking to hear yourself speak. It helps ensure that you have a clear goal for participating in the conversation and that you're adding value for others. Knowing when and why to say something is the best way to make a positive contribution and avoid shooting yourself in the foot.

From Your Site Articles
communications tips
EducationLearning
Health

Psychologists say there are 4 types of introverts. These are the personality traits of each one.

The four types of introverts: Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Restrained.

introvert, introvers, types of introverts, introverted, introvert types, 4 introvert types
Photo credit: Canva

A woman sits in a chair reading a book.

Introverts can have many personality stereotypes. Many people assume they are quiet homebodies who prefer alone time, but not all introverts are the same.

Psychologist Jonathan M. Cheek, along with his colleagues Jennifer Grimes and Julie Norem at Wellesley College, presented findings in a 2011 study identifying four types of introverts: Social, Thinking, Anxious, and Restrained (STAR).

"Many people assume introversion is fixed, but introversion is on a spectrum," Chloë Bean, a somatic trauma therapist in Los Angeles, told Upworthy.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Essentially, there is no one-size-fits-all type of introvert.

"It can shift depending on life phase, your stress level, burnout, support system, and trauma history," Bean said. "What looks like 'being introverted' is sometimes the nervous system doing it's job, protecting you especially when you're feeling overwhelmed or need to connect with yourself more."

Four types of introverts

In an interview with The Cut, Cheek explained that these introvert "types" are more like "shades," and that introverts are often a mix of each one. Here's what you need to know about each type of introvert:

introvert, introverts, being introverted, social introvert, introverts hanging out Three women sit on a blanket in the park. Photo credit: Canva

Social introverts

Bean noted that social introverts may be selective about who they connect with. They enjoy spending time with others but need downtime to recover.

"They prefer to stay home with a book or a computer, or to stick to small gatherings with close friends, as opposed to attending large parties with many strangers," Cheek explained.

How to tell if it's you:

"You may tend to lose a lot of energy when socializing in large groups even when they're fun and prefer one-on-one time," said Bean. "You may feel more regulated with one person at a time, as you can feel overstimulated with more than one person at a time."

Thinking introverts

Thinking introverts are internally rich, deep, and active but appear quiet on the outside, Bean noted. They spend a lot of time reflecting, imagining, creating, or analyzing.

"You're capable of getting lost in an internal fantasy world," Cheek said. "But it's not in a neurotic way, it's in an imaginative and creative way."

How to tell if it's you:

"You feel energized and excited by ideas but you feel exhausted when there is constant feedback and stimulation externally," Bean explained. "You need time to be with your thoughts to come to your conclusion so staying with your inner voice and process is supportive because you can get easily distracted by others' thoughts and opinions."

@onlyjayus

The 4 Types Of Introverts

Anxious introverts

Bean said that anxious introverts deal with anxiety and avoidance driven by fear, as the body anticipates rejection or not being accepted socially.

How to tell if it's you:

"You might replay conversations, dread upcoming plans and cancel them when the tension and anxiety gets too strong," Bean shared. "This is often less about your personality and more about your nervous system feeling dysregulated by thoughts about socializing."

Restrained introverts

Restrained introverts are highly observant, take time to warm up to others, and are cautious about who they spend their energy with, Bean explained.

How to tell if it's you:

"It might take you some time to feel like you can trust others and feel safe enough to speak up," Bean said. "You might also avoid being put on the spot or being the center of attention."

From Your Site Articles
introvert
HealthMental Health
Wellness

Scientists discovered a fascinating trick to feeling like you slept great even if you didn't

"Placebo sleep" can be extremely powerful.

sleep, sleep tricks, sleeping techniques, science, scientific research, placebo effect, placebo
Photo credit: Canva

Tired man (left); energized man (right)

The benefits of getting a good night's sleep are too vast to name. Sleep is as essential for our brains as food and water are for our bodies. If you're not getting enough, sleeping better has been shown to elevate your mood, improve your memory, and even boost your physical health. And then there's the obvious: when you don't sleep well, you'll have less energy and generally perform worse on tasks that require any kind of effort or thought.

However, we're all human, and, sometimes, humans sleep terribly. Your infant might wake you up, or a car alarm might go off outside, interrupting your regularly-scheduled REM. It's not always our fault when we don't sleep well, but there might be an interesting way to fix it.

A study from 2014 may have demonstrated the existence of something called "placebo sleep," or tricking your brain into believing you slept better than you did.

sleep, sleep tricks, sleeping techniques, science, scientific research, placebo effect, placebo a man sitting at a desk with his head on his arms Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

The placebo effect, of course, has been studied relentlessly over the years and has shown that the human body can do amazing, almost impossible things, when the brain gets on board. The classic example is when symptoms of disease get measurably better after a patient takes a "fake" pill. Another study out of Harvard showed that people who were told their jobs qualified as exercise showed improved health and fitness markers compared to people who did the same job. Placebos even work when the person knows they're taking a placebo. It's called an "honest placebo" and is considered a legitimate, ethical treatment method for many ailments.

The researchers in 2014 wanted to find out if the placebo effect could also apply to sleep. So, they lectured a group of participants about the importance of REM sleep and how it can effect cognitive functioning. The participants were then split into two groups and monitored overnight while they slept. The next morning, one group was told they achieved 28.7% REM sleep, which is terrific, and the other group was told they only spent 16.2% of their sleep time in REM, which is below average. The numbers, however, were complete fiction.

Stunningly, the participants who believed they achieved top quality sleep performed better the next day on a series of arithmetic and word association tests compared to the other groups.

In their conclusion, the authors wrote, "These findings supported the hypothesis that mindset can influence cognitive states in both positive and negative directions, suggesting a means of controlling one's health and cognition."

According to Smithsonian Magazine, follow up experiments confirmed the findings.

The key to feeling great and performing as if you had a great night's sleep may lie in simply believing that you did.

There are a lot of ways to "placebo your sleep" in order to generate that belief. For starters, you can adopt a new routine or technique or even supplement in order to prime your brain.

John Cline Ph.D. asserts for Psychology Today that the popularity of sleeping aids like melatonin may be tied less to the fact that they work, and more to the fact that people believe they work. But you don't need to take any supplements or medications. Having a slow evening wind down with a book and an herbal tea, trying a new sleeping position, or practicing some measured breathing might work just as well. Or, rather, they might work precisely because you believe they will.

sleep, sleep tricks, sleeping techniques, science, scientific research, placebo effect, placebo Can a warm cup of tea help you sleep better? If you believe it, then yes. Photo by Dana Ciurumelea on Unsplash

You could take the concept a step further and alter your morning routine on nights you know for a fact you didn't sleep well. Perhaps it's by using a new coffee brand, doing some stretches before getting out of bed, or meditating before starting your day. Anything that you truly believe might help make you more alert and focused may just work.

One viral social media sleep trend capitalizes on this research perfectly. Researchers have shown that forcing your mouth into a smile has been shown to improve your mood. Turns out, similarly, you may be able to get sleepy by pretending to be super tired. Psychologist Erica Terblanche calls it the "alpha bridge," and it involves gently closing your eyes, fluttering them open just a tad, and then closing them again as you relax and breath. It simulates the feeling of "nodding off" and is said to create the alpha brainwaves that transition your brain from wakefulness to sleep. It's another clever way of tricking your own brain.


@erica.terblanche

Here's a skill to help you fall asleep on an airplane or anywhere else for that matter. . Its called going over the Alpha Bridge. #EricaTerblanche #ThriveGuru #motivation #sleeping

It sounds cheesy, but the power of mindset and positive thinking is truly tremendous. Our beliefs and thought patterns can greatly influence our body, our behavior, and our mood. Sometimes, our mindset can even be stronger than actual reality. Now we have the data to prove that it applies to our precious sleep, too.

From Your Site Articles
sleep
WellnessHealth
Family

Teacher demonstrates simple but powerful 'common ground' vs. 'find a problem' conversation hack

Made for kids, necessary for adults.

conflict resolution, conflict resolution for kids, finding common ground, conversation tips, ending an argument, substitute teacher
via @brightsignslearning/TikTok, used with permission

A teacher shared how encouraging her student to find common ground instantly stopped an argument

Tennessee-based educator Shelby Rideout was substituting for a third-grade class when she noticed two young girls, who were otherwise “really sweet, fun, kind,” start arguing with one another. The solution she found to instantly ease that conflict was surprisingly simple.

She encouraged them to “Look for some common ground.”

Without missing a beat, the girls were able to make one connection after another (“Jesus” and “Ethiopian food,” in this case) without any further guidance from Rideout. Within minutes, they went from bickering to “hootin’ and hollerin’ and laughing.”

Rideout shared this story to her TikTok, with the message that: “It is literally that simple. I feel like we’re a world where everyone is looking for a problem…why not look for how to get along?”

@brightsignslearning #teachersoftiktok #storytime #foru #kindness #kids ♬ original sound - brightsignslearning

“I don't care if it’s just that you both like peaches,” she quipped. “That’s a start. That’s how we start.”

In an interview with Today, Rideout even argued that this method of finding common ground is how we ease conflict in the adult world. “Whether someone leans left or right,” she said, “most people are motivated by the same goal: to make things better.”

Several viewers even proved this point by sharing some of their own positive anecdotes that came from incorporating this mindset into their everyday lives.

“I was an elected official for 24 years. I used a version of your solution often, especially with elected officials of the other party,” one person wrote.

Another added: “I made a conscious decision to befriend a co-worker who I was really struggling with. I started going out of my way to extend extra kindness to them. We now get along beautifully!”

In this day and age, it’s easy to forget that most people are not as far apart as they think. Thankfully, they just need a starting point that reminds them of their shared humanity.

If you want to try Rideout’s "common ground" approach in your own life, here are a few simple ways to start.

conflict resolution, conflict resolution for kids, finding common ground, conversation tips, ending an argument, substitute teacher Two women engaging in a pleasant conversation inside a coffee shopPhoto credit: Canva

First, ask open-ended questions. Instead of focusing on what you disagree about, ask about hobbies, favorite foods, music, or weekend plans. Shared interests often appear quickly when the conversation is relaxed.

Second, listen for common values. Even when opinions differ, people often care about the same underlying goals, such as safety, fairness, family, or community. Naming those shared values can shift the tone of a conversation.

Third, keep it small. Common ground does not have to be profound. Maybe you both love a certain coffee shop. Maybe you both dread Monday mornings. Small points of connection can build trust over time.

Fourth, lead with kindness. A smile, a compliment, or a moment of patience can make someone more willing to meet you halfway. Kindness often opens the door to connection.

Finally, remember that, as Rideout mentioned, common ground is a beginning, not a solution to every problem. You can still disagree. You can still set boundaries. But starting from a place of shared understanding makes it easier to move forward with respect.

conflict resolution, conflict resolution for kids, finding common ground, conversation tips, ending an argument, substitute teacher Two men engaging in a peaceful disagreement.Photo credit: Canva

Bottom line: Rideout’s classroom moment is a reminder that the tools for better communication are often simple and accessible. Two third graders found their way back to laughter by naming what they shared. Adults can do the same.

From Your Site Articles
kids
FamilyParenting
Education

A simple neuroscience brain trick to stay quiet instead of saying impulsive things you'll regret

Calm body, closed mouth.

shhh, quiet, zip it, mouth closed, say nothing, be quiet
via Canva/Photos

A woman zipping up her lips.

There are times to speak up, moments when it’s best to say nothing, and opportunities be very considerate in your response. But when you’re on the receiving end of a back-handed compliment, a foolish remark, or a coworker takes you down a peg, and your emotions are up, it can be hard to have a thoughtful response. Often, we say something we shouldn’t.

How is it that some folks fly off the handle and say things they’ll later regret, while others can stay calm and remove themselves from the situation or take the high ground? One way to be less impulsive with your words is to use the “name it to tame it” neuroscience hack, originally coined by author and psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel. When used properly, it allows you to step back from the moment and choose the best response in a challenging situation.

shhh, quiet, zip it, mouth closed, say nothing, be quiet A man saying "be quiet."via Canva/Photos

How to use the ‘name it to tame it’ hack

When someone upsets you, the first thing to do is to go inside yourself and describe the emotion that you feel in your body. Are you angry? Are you sad? Are you afraid? Do you feel rejected? Are you disappointed? The moment you name the emotion, it will begin to subside and give you the emotional and mental room to respond to the person who caused the negative emotion, rather than impulsively reacting.

How to respond to a reactive emotion so you don’t fly off the handle:

Event happens:

1. Your body stiffens up

2. You feel an intense emotion

3. You examine the emotion and give it a name: “My body is telling me I am angry.”

4. You should feel the emotion beginning to subside

5. Choose your response instead of being impulsive

shhh, quiet, zip it, mouth closed, say nothing, be quiet A woman zipping up her mouth.via Canva/Photos

Why does ‘name it to tame it’ work?

“Name it to tame it” works because, when we have a strong emotional reaction, our lizard brain kicks in, and we go into fight, flight, or freeze mode. The lizard brain is not known for giving thoughtful and strategic responses to challenging situations. When we name the emotion, our prefrontal cortex, or the thinking brain, kicks in. The thinking brain looks at the situation and says, “Alright, we don’t need to run or fight here. It's best to give a strategic response.”

When we tune into the negative emotions by naming them, they relax because they feel heard, like when a child has hurt their knee or a loved one has real concern and you gives them undivided attention. Once the emotions are named, they are tamed. Then, you are more likely to respond to the negative person with grace and speak from the best part of yourself.

Dr. Dan Siegel, who coined the phrase “Name it to tame it,” explains the brain science behind the technique in the video below. He does a great job of explaining how it allows us to transfer our thoughts from the downstairs brain (the lizard brain) to the upstairs brain (the thinking brain), so we can calm down and respond appropriately to the situation.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

From Your Site Articles
neuroscience
EducationLearning
Trending Stories