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The 4 unspoken rules of conversation we all follow without thinking about it

They're known Grice's Maxims, and it's obvious when someone violates one of them.

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How do we understand what we mean when we converse?

Talking to one another is one of the most basic things we do, and yet human communication is actually pretty weird when you think about it. We can't speak to everyone because none of us knows every one of the world's thousands of languages. We can say the exact same words but change their meaning simply by changing our tone of voice. Some people are avid, smooth conversationalists, and others are so anxious about social interactions that we need therapy to help us get through them.

Human conversation is complicated, no doubt. But oddly, there are some rules we all adhere to when we talk to one another that most of us aren't even aware of. These rules make conversations make sense and allow us to understand inferred or implied meanings, but we follow them so subconsciously that we probably don't recognize that we're doing it.

conversation, grice's maxims, communication, talking to someone, communicationWe follow Grice's Maxims without realizing it most of the time.Photo credit: Canva

These "rules" are known as Grice's Maxims, named for linguist and philosopher Paul Grice, who detailed these rules. Under the umbrella of the Cooperative Principle—meaning our shared understanding that conversation is meant to be a cooperative endeavor in which we strive to communicate effectively—Grice explained four maxims we all follow:

1. QUANTITY (be informative)

The quantity maxim leads us to be as informative as possible while not giving more detail than is needed.

2. QUALITY (be truthful)

The quality maxim means we tell the truth by default, not providing information that's false or lacking evidence.

3. RELATION (be relevant)

The relation maxim compels us to say things that are pertinent or related to the conversation.

4. MANNER (be clear)

The manner maxim means being brief and orderly in what we say, avoiding obscurity or ambiguity.

Tom Scott explains Grice's Maxims and gives examples of how they help us understand one another.

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For example, we use the term "vegan burgers" but not "vegan tomatoes" because "vegan" is not a necessary descriptor for tomatoes, which everyone knows are always vegan. That's Grice's first maxim of Quantity—give as much information as is required, but no more. Breaking this rule sounds strange.

We can see Grice's Maxims at work in the simple exchange in which one person says, "I'm out of petrol," and the other person says, "There's a garage down the street."

"Without context, just using the super literal, logical meaning of those sentences, there's no connection there," Scott explains. "Those are just two factual statements. But if you assume I'm trying to follow the cooperative principle, then you can automatically work out a lot more."

out of gas, out of petrol, need gas, gasoline, gas canA brief conversation about running out of gas illustrates Grice's Maxims.Photo credit: Canva

For instance, the relation maxim leads us to the conclusion that the garage probably has petrol. The quantity maxim means that "there's a garage down the street" is all you need to say to imply that you can push your car down the street, buy gas, and solve the problem of being on empty (a problem which was also implied in the first sentence, as Scott points out). The quality maxim assumes that both statements are true, and due to the manner maxim, we can assume that "garage" is just a dialectical term for a gas station.

Then Scott explained that the maxims can be violated or flouted. Violating a maxim is basically just lying and trying to deceive, but flouting these maxims can be done to say something without really saying it. He gave the example of a recommendation letter that is too brief and not informative enough, which implies that the person writing it has nothing to really recommend about the person.

What's fun about Grice's Maxims is the comedy that happens when the cooperative principle is not assumed and statements or questions are taken literally. Think of all the literal quips from "Airplane" or "The Naked Gun."

Quote I Am Serious GIF by Top 100 Movie Quotes of All TimeGiphy

People in the comments shared examples of exchanges that are taken literally instead of understanding the implied meaning, and it's hilarious.


"I'm out of petrol"

"That's good, it probably wasn't safe to be in it."


"Would you like something to drink?"

"What are my options?"

"Yes and no."


"Coffee or tea?"

"Coffee"

"Wrong, it's tea."


"I'm seeing stars."

"Did you see a doctor?"

"No, just stars."


"Hello, my name is Kevin without 'M'."

"But there is no 'M' in Kevin."

"That's what I said."


"What is your main flaw?"

"I correctly interpret the semantics of the questions, but I ignore their essence."

"Could you give an example?

"I could."


Some people pointed out that learning about these maxims could help neurodivergent people have easier conversations. Even though Scott says they aren't meant to be prescriptive, "do this" kinds of rules, knowing that they are inherent in social exchanges, is an important piece of the effective communication puzzle.

Isn't being human just fascinating?

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I accidentally discovered the perfect houseplant for people who murder houseplants

I thought I had a fake plant for months and cared for it accordingly.

Photo by Annie Reneau

Get yourself one of these babies if you can't keep plants alive.

Confession: I am a houseplant serial killer.

I don't want to be a plant murderer. I adore plants. Greenery is my thing. I'd have a whole house full of lush houseplants if I had any shade of green thumb, but sadly, I do not.

People who know this about me have tried to gift me plants that are supposedly low-maintenance. I can't count how many times I've heard, "Trust me, you can't kill it!" while someone hands me a beautiful plant that I absolutely, positively can and will kill. Yes, even succulents. Even cactus. I can kill anything that grows in dirt. I'm exceptionally skilled at it, in fact.

As a result of this regrettable reality, I have just a few real plants in my home that have miraculously survived my deadly presence over the years. The rest of my plants are fake to satisfy my desire for greenery without triggering my murder shame, which leads me to how I accidentally discovered the perfect houseplant for plant killers like myself.

bird's nest snake plant, Sansevieria trifasciata, Hahnii, houseplants, low maintenance plantsWhen I got this plant, it had such perfect leaves, I genuinely thought it was fake.Photo by Annie Reneau

I bought this cute little fake plant some months back thinking it was a fairly realistic dupe. The green color was a little bright, but the dappled effect helped offset the boldness of it. It sat on the shelf in my kitchen next to the window, and I'd occasionally take it down to dust it.

But one time when I took it down, I noticed that the tip of one of the leaves seemed to have a little imperfection in it.

"Huh," I thought. "They really made this thing look real, didn't they? Impressive."

bird's nest snake plant, Sansevieria trifasciata, Hahnii, houseplants, low maintenance plantsMy "fake" plant started drying up on one leaf after months of neglect. Photo by Annie Reneau

Then I pulled back the bottom leaves and saw that there seemed to be real dirt in the pot.

"Huh," I thought. "That's…odd. Why would they bother to use real dirt for a fake plant?"

Then I noticed that there was some dry-looking light brown stuff at the base of the leaves.

"Huh," I thought. "Now, wait a minute…"

bird's nest snake plant, Sansevieria trifasciata, Hahnii, houseplants, low maintenance plants, fake plantFake plants don't look like this, but I'd never bothered to look underneath the leaves.Photo by Annie Reneau

I ran my fingers over the leaves, which felt waxy and fake and looked nearly perfect. There was no way this was a real plant. I'd had it for months—I don't know how many, but at least two. I had never watered it. Not once. It had remained the same that whole time. The leaves felt like plastic. The green was so very green.

That imperfection at the leaf tip didn't convince me at first because I figured maybe I just hadn't noticed it before. And I didn't want to break off a leaf to check for sure because 1) I didn't want to ruin a perfectly good fake plant and 2) As a bona fide plant murderer, surely my breaking off a leaf would be a bad omen of some sort if it were real.

I took a photo and did a Google image search, and that's when I discovered that what I thought was a fake plant was, in fact, real. A genuine, living plant in real dirt. Barely affected by the months of my outright neglect. Impressive and hardy, despite my absolute best accidental attempt to kill it.

bird's nest snake plant, Sansevieria trifasciata, Hahnii, houseplants, low maintenance plantsBird's Nest Snake Plants are the best plants for plant killers.Photo credit: Canva

The Bird's Nest Snake Plant (Sansevieria trifasciata "Hahnii")

Yes, I know, I know. I'm an idiot when it comes to plants. You can see why I kill them so often. But the Bird's Nest Snake Plant is seriously the best plant I've ever had. This is the plant everyone should have been giving me, saying I couldn't kill it. Now that I've started watering it very, very occasionally, it's even started to grow a bit. It's almost like it just sat there in a dormant state for months, not dying but not growing, waiting for me to notice that it was real (part of me wonders if maybe I loved it enough for it to become real—The Velveteen Houseplant, if you will).

Snake plants are succulents, but unlike most succulents, they don't require a lot of sunlight. They do just fine in indirect light, which is why my shelf next to the window seems to work well for mine. Like other succulents, they require little water and the soil should be allowed to dry out completely between waterings.

bird's nest snake plant, Sansevieria trifasciata, Hahnii, houseplants, low maintenance plantsI thought both of these plants were fake, so they sat here together sharing the neglect.Photo by Annie Reneau

In fact—and this is the best part—they "thrive on neglect." They are drought tolerant and more prone to overwatering than underwatering. Though the recommended watering schedules is every 2-4 weeks, if you forget for longer than that, it's probably not going to hurt it. That was 100% my experience, and yet, it's still as beautifully green as any well-watered normal plant. And it's a good plant for air purifying to boot.

If, like mine, your murderous tendencies are a result of neglect and not overzealous watering, the Bird's Nest Snake Plant might just be your perfect plant, fellow plant killers. You don't even have to know it's real to keep it alive, apparently, which is exactly the kind of plant I need.

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Ivy League professor shares one word that makes people 30 percent more likely to be persuaded

This word helps turn actions into identities, which is the key to persuading others.

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Jonah Berger explains how appealing to someone's identity makes them more likely to agree to a request.

Everybody wants to see themselves in a positive light. That’s the key to understanding Jonah Berger’s simple tactic that makes people 30% more likely to do what you ask. Berger is a marketing professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania and the bestselling author of “Magic Words: What to Say to Get Your Way.”

Berger explained the technique using a Stanford University study involving preschoolers. The researchers messed up a classroom and made two similar requests to groups of 5-year-olds to help clean up.

One group was asked, "Can you help clean?" The other was asked, “Can you be a helper and clean up?" The kids who were asked if they wanted to be a “helper” were 30% more likely to want to clean the classroom. The children weren’t interested in cleaning but wanted to be known as “helpers.”

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Berger calls the reframing of the question as turning actions into identities.

"It comes down to the difference between actions and identities. We all want to see ourselves as smart and competent and intelligent in a variety of different things,” Berger told Big Think. “But rather than describing someone as hardworking, describing them as a hard worker will make that trait seem more persistent and more likely to last. Rather than asking people to lead more, tell them, 'Can you be a leader?' Rather than asking them to innovate, can you ask them to 'Be an innovator'? By turning actions into identities, you can make people a lot more likely to engage in those desired actions.”

Berger says that learning to reframe requests to appeal to people’s identities will make you more persuasive.

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“Framing actions as opportunities to claim desired identities will make people more likely to do them,” Berger tells CNBC Make It. “If voting becomes an opportunity to show myself and others that I am a voter, I’m more likely to do it.”

This technique doesn’t just work because people want to see themselves in a positive light. It also works for the opposite. People also want to avoid seeing themselves being portrayed negatively.

“Cheating is bad, but being a cheater is worse. Losing is bad, being a loser is worse,” Berger says.

The same tactic can also be used to persuade ourselves to change our self-concept. Saying you like to cook is one thing, but calling yourself a chef is an identity. “I’m a runner. I’m a straight-A student. We tell little kids, ‘You don’t just read, you’re a reader,’” Berger says. “You do these things because that’s the identity you hold.”

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Berger’s work shows how important it is to hone our communication skills. By simply changing one word, we can get people to comply with our requests more effectively. But, as Berger says, words are magic and we have to use them skillfully. “We think individual words don’t really matter that much. That’s a mistake,” says Berger. “You could have excellent ideas, but excellent ideas aren’t necessarily going to get people to listen to you.”

This article originally appeared last year. It has since been updated.

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Grandma shares her must-have device for safe traveling, especially for folks with kids

The grandmother and pediatrician said, “I don’t go to any Airbnb or hotel without it."

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A pretty easy and inexpensive travel tips that could save your life

There have been numerous reports of people dying from carbon monoxide poisoning while on vacation, including the teenage son of former New York Yankees outfielder Brett Gardner, whose carbon monoxide test showed a saturation level of 64%, well over what's considered lethal.

The main culprit behind these tragedies is a lack of regulation. Airbnb announced back in 2014—a few months after the short-term rental company faced one of its first reported carbon monoxide-related deaths—that it would require hosts to confirm each of their listings had carbon monoxide detectors installed. However, NBC News reported in 2023 that no such mandate has actually been instilled. Hotels don’t seem to fare much better, since not all require that carbon monoxide detectors are installed.

So, on top of the stresses of airplane travel, people also have this to worry about…which can obviously drain the joy of travel altogether.

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But one grandma (and a pediatrician, to boot) has a simple, yet powerful tip for taking safety into your own hands…literally.

In a video posted to her @Ask.Bubbie TikTok account, Florence Rosen explained why she swears by using a portable carbon monoxide detector, saying “I don’t go to any Airbnb or hotel without it because I don’t trust the carbon monoxide detectors [there] are actually kept in good repair.”

Rosen clearly wasn’t the only one to have discovered this travel hack. One person wrote, “my mom was crazy about ours growing up and now that I’m an adult, I am too.”

@ask.bubbie Could save lives!
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Another echoed, “I haven’t traveled without it…ever. US or international.”

A travel agent also chimed in, saying, “I tell all my clients to pack one and we always take one with us to hotels. So important!”

A few showed concern as to whether or not could travel via carry-on, or if it needed to be checked. Travel site AFAR media says airlines allow them in both carry-on and checked bags, but if you have a device that uses lithium batteries, those would have to be removed.

Ranging from $30-$40ish bucks on Amazon, it seems a small price to pay for peace of mind, especially if you’re traveling with kiddos, or are pregnant. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), infants and children have an “increased susceptibility to CO toxicity” because of their higher metabolic rates, with fetuses being “especially vulnerable.”

carbon monoxide at airbnb, carbon monoxide at hotel, carbon monoxide poisoning, carbon monoxide detector, travel, travel tipsA photo of a portable carbon monoxide detector from Amazonm.media-amazon.com

The scariest thing about carbon monoxide is that it’s a silent, odorless killer. Combine that with the fact that with a hotel or Airbnb, you have no idea if precautions are being taken to make sure fuel-burning appliances, such as boilers, furnaces, pool heaters, fireplaces, or water heaters are properly maintained, or that the rooms which contained them are properly vented. Any of these items, when not taken care of, can lead to carbon monoxide poisoning. And you’d never know it.

Thankfully, while there should definitely be wider efforts being made to ensure his doesn’t happen, we can take matters into our own hands a little.

Follow Ask Bubbie for even more helpful tips.

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