Don't be that guy: a better alternative to ghosting your way out of a relationship.
Show up with a whole heart, even in your text messages.
If you've been so lucky as to date while texting has existed, you might have met (or become) a GHOST.
Once upon a few dates, I became a ghost. We had fun, the dates were great, and I had no complaints. But I just wasn't feeling it. It feels weird to just not feel it for a perfectly nice, worthy human, but it happens. And so begins a modern ghost story.
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).
I did NOT know what to do, say, or think to this person ... so what I did next was turn into a ghost. I removed myself from the human world (of his text messages).
Ghosting, as defined in a New York Times article, is "ending a romantic relationship by cutting off all contact and ignoring the former partner’s attempts to reach out."
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).
When I turned into a ghost, I just stopped responding to every message this perfectly nice, worthy human sent to me. Eww. I feel icky talking about it now, and I felt icky doing it then. Eventually, I figured out a way to bring myself back to life and end my own ghost story. We'll get to that later.
First, there are two main types of ghosts:
1. The "short-term relationship I guess I don't owe you anything and I don't wanna be awkward" ghost
That was me. I hadn't had any major moments with this person. I just wanted to poetically fade away, like Patrick Swayze in the aptly named movie "Ghost."
Replace that caption with "You're a human and so am I" and me running away, and we're there. Not proud. GIF from "Ghost."
2. The "we could be on the verge of an actual relationship but I am suddenly not OK with it and —" ghost
You'll never know what could have happened because this ghost will ghost you and you'll never hear what happens after that "and."
Say you and a potential significant other share magical moments — so many moments that it seems like, to quote the great American cinematic masterpiece "High School Musical," "this could be the start of something new."
GIF from Disney's "High School Musical."
And then, just when Troy and Gabriella's karaoke duet almost made it to the key change, the plug was pulled. All contact? Gone. Ghosted. And then you realize that it was not the start of something new but rather the start of you wondering if the person who ghosted you is dead.
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).
They're not dead. (Usually.) Probably, they're a ghost. And you are probably sad. I prescribe hugs.
These are the two most common, and egregious, ghosts that could be haunting a romance near you, although I'm sure there are other versions too.
But we need to do something about this! Technology has invented a whole new way, and a few new mediums, for human beings to hurt each other.
Who you gonna call?
Ghostbusters.
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).
In my own personal ghost-busting journey, I chose Brené Brown — vulnerability researcher, awkwardness whisperer, and friend of Oprah — to guide me.
Brown is an actual professional who studies awkwardness, vulnerability, and how to be a wholehearted, kind person in a detached, technology-driven world that doesn't make real human kindness easy. Her TEDx Talk "The Power of Vulnerability" went viral.
In her book, "Daring Greatly," she wrote, "Connection is why we're here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." To me, this sounds like the beginning of a solution to both ghosting and being ghosted.
If connection is why we're here, it's counterintuitive to disconnect (literally and figuratively) from other humans so abruptly. Connection gives us purpose as humans.
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr.
But, how to do we transition from ghosts to connected humans?
Brown's research uncovered a clue.
She says that to get some more of that sweet sweet purpose-giving connection, we have to cultivate "whole heartedness."
Wholeheartedness, Brown writes, "at its very core is vulnerability and worthiness; facing uncertainty, exposure, and emotional risks, and knowing that I am enough."
What's a wholehearted way to stop ghosting? In the case of being ghosted, there's not much you can do. You can be proud you lived the full spectrum of human emotion, that you took a risk, and you can take care of your heart for a bit.
Image via Internet Archive Book Images/Flickr (altered).
I'm more concerned with stopping ghosting where it starts though — with the person about to become a ghost.
And I'm not just gonna say "be kind, vulnerable, feel worthy, face uncertainty, expose yourself to stuff, and take a risk because you are enough" because that's a perfect example of "easier said than done."
Instead, using Brown's foundation, I'll suggest a few specifics.
If you're tempted to ghost:
1. Face uncertainty. Open your text.
2. Be truthful. Traveling? Being flaky? Say what you've been doing.
3. Be vulnerable. Say way you feel. Heartbroken? Weird? Say it.
4. Know you're enough.
5. Expose yourself to the truth and press send!
Here are some real-life examples:
Brown wrote, "Shame derives its power from being unspeakable."
Ghosting brings up shame for all parties — largely due to the whole not speaking thing. And, often, ghosting happens because we want to avoid awkward confrontation.
Imagine a slightly more awkward, but significantly less shame-filled, world. That's something I'd like to see.
Beaver in water. Photo by 
An actual beaver dam on the now-thriving Price River
Not just coworkers—family, friends, strangers, kids…
Imagine having to go so badly but being out of euros. 
Anything hobbit-esque can't be wrong. 
But what if you need pain meds AND mascara?!
Imagine how this would affect childcare.
Honestly…where's the lie?
A brown buddha statue sits near a green mountain. Photo by 
Urgent dash to the bathroom! 🚪🏃♂️
Ladybug unexpectedly found during colonoscopyPhoto credit: 
Close-up of bottom of ladybug found in colonPhoto credit: 
There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."