8 simple, expert-approved ways to deal with a partner who is 'incredibly negative'
And how to suss out when it might be time to leave.
Couples therapist Jeff Guenther shares 8 strategies for dealing with negative partners.
It’s just a fact of life that sometimes our partners will be in foul moods. But when the occasional bouts of crankiness become a full blown personality—that’s a bit of a different issue, as chronic negativity can cause actual harm to a relationship.
At the same time, it’s important to now throw the baby out with the bathwater. If your partner still has plenty of other redeeming qualities, then it might be worth exploring how establishing new boundaries can possibly salvage things. Plus, nearly all of us have probably been through a difficult chapter where we weren’t at our best for extended periods of time. And it’s often those times that we need support from a loved one most of all.
All this to say—it’s not always an easy road to navigate, knowing when to give our cantankerous partner grace or when to cut ties. But couples therapist Jeff Guenther, who regularly shares relationship advice via his @therapyjeff TikTok account, has eight different ways folks can address 'incredibly negative’ partners through honest communication, which can be great starting points.
First, Guenther urges us to “validate” our partner’s feelings to establish empathy. “Maybe they keep repeating themselves because that's all they need from you,” he explained, adding, “feel free to meet them where they are at and be a little negative too, just don't live there.”
Second, he recommended being “straightforward” about the “impact” this negativity has had, jokingly adding to use all the “therapy speak” he’s imparted in previous videos. Example: “I wanna hold space and offer support for your negative feelings but constant negativity feels overwhelming my nervous system. Can we work together to find more balance?”
@therapyjeff 8 ways to deal with a partner who’s incredibly negative. #therapy #mentalhealth #dating #relationshiptips #datingadvice ♬ original sound - TherapyJeff
Three, create a "negativity free zone,” which Guenther says “sounds dumb but works well.” To set up a negative free zone, simply set aside time or physical spaces where grumblings are off-limits. You could even make it "playful" by coming up with a special signal to “catch complaints” for later venting sessions. But, disclaimer, “don’t be a turd” about catching complaints, Guenther warns.
Four, clearly communicate "emotional boundaries” around this issue. When doing so, it’s important to focus on “I” statements, and be honest about your personal limitations. Guenther demonstrates by saying “I wanna support you, but I only have 15 minutes to hear you vent right now. After that, I need to switch gears.”
Five, encourage problem solving. Basically, when a partner begins to complain, Guenther suggests to “gently redirect” the conversation from venting to “action-oriented thinking” by asking something like, "What do you think could help fix that?" This one not only stops the complaining, but helps remind the partner of their autonomy in the situation. Though Guenther does joke that “this sh*t never works but try it anyway.”
Six is a bit similar to five, since it also involves pivoting the conversation. “Talk about something else,” he says. “Passive aggressive move? Maybe. But if they get mad you can tell them Therapy Jeff told you to do it.”
Seven, don’t take your partner’s negativity personally. Their gloominess has nothing to do with you, and might just be how they are currently “processing stress and frustration,” Guenther notes. It’s easier said than done much of the time, but none the less incredibly important that we protect own energy by not absorbing others—even the energy of our loved ones.
Lastly, if all other methods have failed, Guenther does suggest to "consider compatibility."
“If their negative feelings are chronic and unchangeable, it's okay to question things. You have permission to end the relationship if their constant negativity is dragging you down,” he concludes.
Bottom line: there are of course dealbreakers to every relationship, and constant negativity is certainly a valid one. But there’s something to be said about having strategies to deal with our partner’s not-so-lovely habits in a way that’s compassionate and empowering. At least that way, no matter what route is taken, we know that we’ve shown up in the best way possible.
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