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Caring for older loved ones around the holidays? These 11 tips may help.

Helping the ones you love can go hand-in-hand with holiday cheer.

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The holidays are right around the corner, and for many that means reuniting with family.

It's the perfect time to connect over delicious home-baked pies, laugh during competitive charades, and just generally spread good cheer to one another.

Via istock.

However, many older loved ones may not be able to participate in the holiday fun as easily as they once could.

Going up and down stairs may be more difficult now, and they might not be able to remember everyone they want to give gifts to. Or maybe they can no longer drive, which means getting to a particular destination on their own could be tough. Maybe they avoid going to a family gathering altogether because it just feels too hard.

And if your loved one hasn't asked for help directly, it can be tough figuring out how to jump in and offer.

If you're just learning that they're developing limitations, the holidays are perhaps the best time to broach the conversation about their current or future care needs. There’s no better moment to make those extra efforts for the people you love.

Here are 11 things you can do around the holidays for your loved ones who might not know they need help.

1. Have a pre-holiday gathering to develop a caregiving plan.

Before your family get-together, touch base with everyone to make a plan about how everyone can best support your older loved one during the holidays; that way you can be sure they aren't left out of the festivities. Who will be picking up mom to bring her to dinner? Who's taking her shopping? Is someone shoveling her snow? Remember that caregiving doesn't need to be a solo effort.

2. Offer to take them holiday shopping.

Image via iStock.

If you've noticed they've had trouble driving lately, you can suggest taking them holiday shopping. After all, you're already going. Plus, it's a fun and meaningful way for you two to spend time together.

3. Bring gifts and family to them.

This is especially helpful if your older loved can't easily leave the house. If that's the case, why not arrange the holiday gathering plans around them so they can still be a part of the action? They can enjoy gifts, food, and fun all from the comfort of their home.

4. Use after-dinner time to maybe start a conversation about next steps.

The kids will likely be off playing, so it's an ideal time to bring up the subject of how you can be helpful to your older loved one. You don't want to ambush them, but the end of the year is a great time to touch base and ask your loved one how they feel the year has gone and what kind of care and support they might need in the new year.

As AARP's Prepare to Care Guide states, "a plan should never be made without the participation, knowledge, and consent of your loved one." By taking an opportunity to begin talking about it over dessert by the fireplace, it'll hopefully feel more like an open-ended conversation.

That said, if the timing doesn't feel right, you shouldn't force the issue. AARP's family caregiving expert Amy Goyer says you might use the holidays as a kick off point to schedule the conversation for a later date when everyone can feel up to speed and on the same page.

5. Help them feel included in the holiday festivities.

via istock.

For older loved ones with Alzheimer's or other memory loss issues, it's easy to just fade into the background, especially if they don't remember past holiday traditions. But the important thing to remember is that holidays are about being together, and no one should be left out. That's why AARP's family caregiving expert Amy Goyer stresses the importance of encouraging them to get involved in any way they want. From singing carols to decorating the Christmas tree, it's the little things that may spark some unexpected joy.

"Understand what’s meaningful for them," says Goyer. "Think about how you can adapt those things to fit their abilities."

6. Make them a unique holiday gift that will remind them how much they mean to you.

Maybe it's a scrapbook filled with photos of your family from past holidays that they can always flip through to remember wonderful moments. Or, perhaps it's a watch or necklace you had engraved. Gifts with a real personal touch are a constant reminder that they have family who loves them.

7. Ask them what fun activities they want to do during the holidays.

This is both a way for you to spend more time with your older loved one and make sure they're going out and doing things. List items could include visiting an obscure museum to something as simple as taking the afternoon to learn a cool new game. As loved ones age, they can begin to feel like they're losing their independence. Giving them the chance to decide what you'll do together can be a fun and empowering experience.

"It’s okay to create new traditions," stresses Goyer.

8. Encourage kids in the family to interview their elders.

Image via iStock.

Considering everyone has a recording device on their phones these days, this is an easy and fun thing to do before or after a holiday meal. Not only does it strengthen the bond between the generations, it also makes your older loved ones feel like their stories still matter. And at the end of it, you'll have their memories captured on tape to cherish for years to come.

9. Take a day or two and just focus on yourself.

This may sound counterintuitive to the season of giving, but if you've been dedicating a lot of time and effort to working out a caregiving plan, you may be burned out. If you don't take some time to recharge, you won't be useful to your older loved ones — or anyone for that matter. Finding that balance between caring for yourself and others is vital to keeping the care going.

10. Look at the holidays as a chance to test out new living situations.

Via Jennifer Martin/AARP.

If it seems like your older loved one can no longer live alone but isn't eager to change up their lifestyle, why not suggest they stay with you or a fellow family member over the holidays? It's an easy way to test out the new situation under ideal, aka celebratory, circumstances.

11. If you live far from your older loved one, figure out how you can help from a distance.

Image via iStock.

You may not be able to be the caregiver on the ground all year long, but that doesn't mean you can't do a lot for them. If you're going to be a point person for care but can't physically be there, make sure you have a local team of support lined up. Whether they're family, friends, or hired help, it's important to know someone can get to your loved one quickly and easily in an emergency.

The transition into caregiving can be difficult, but getting the ball rolling over the holidays might just make it a little easier.

And no matter what steps you choose to take, be sure to keep listening to your loved one throughout. They're a huge part of this new step, and their voice should always matter.

Of course, everyone's situation will be unique, but if you approach the adjustment thoughtfully and with love, it can make all the difference.

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After facing food insecurity as a child, Shawn now ensures families in his community have enough to eat ›

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Pets

Research shows why you should always pet your dog before leaving the house

via Pixabay

One of the most wonderful things about having a dog is how attached they become to their owners. I work from home and my Jack Russel terrier, Scout, lies next to me on his bed for most of the day. The only time he leaves my office is for a sip of water or to go outside and sun his belly on the porch.

That's why whenever I leave the house and can't take Scout with me, I wonder, "Does he miss me? Is he sad that he's alone?" Studies show that our dogs miss us the moment we leave the house and that feeling slowly intensifies until we are gone for about four hours and they have a "plateau of melancholy." That's why the longer you're away, the more excited your dog is when you return home.

The moment I pull up in my car Scout begins to howl like a wolf trying to contact someone who's miles away. It's like, "Dude, I'm 30 feet away. Give me a second to grab the groceries out of the trunk."

Researchers from the Universities of Pisa and Perugia, Italy have found that if you give your dog some affection before you leave the house they'll have less anxiety while you're away.

They conducted experiments with 10 dogs between the ages of one and 11 without attachment issues. The group was composed of seven mixed-breed dogs, one Labrador retriever, one Hovawart, and one Chihuahua.

Participants in the study walked their leashed dogs into a fenced area where they were greeted by a researcher who took their dog's heart rate. In the first test, after the owners walked their dogs into the area, they talked with a researcher for one minute then left without giving the dog any special attention.

In the second test, the dog owners petted the dog during their interaction with the researcher.

In both tests, the owners left the fenced area and hid far enough away so that the dog couldn't smell them.

After the owners left, the dogs looked for them for about three minutes on average. After the owners returned, the researchers measured the dogs' levels of the stress hormone cortisol as well as their heart rates.

The researchers found that whether the dogs were petted or not, their cortisol levels were unchanged. But their heart rate showed a marked decrease if the owners petted them before leaving. Researchers later watched videos of the dogs and found that the ones that were petted showed " behaviors indicative of calmness for a longer period while waiting for the owner's return."

Next time I'm ready to leave the house and Scout follows me to the front door after saying, "Sorry bud, you can't go with me on this trip," I'll kneel down and give him a little extra love and attention.

Maybe that way he won't howl like the house is on fire when I pull up in my car after a trip to the grocery store.

This article originally appeared four years ago.

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Health

25-year-old U.S. mom is shocked after receiving an astronomical bill from baby's NICU stay

For starters, the hospital charged it cost $4,337 every time they moved the baby's room.

via Canva/Photos

A woman looks at a massive medical bill.

Twenty-five-year-old Janice Hernandez, who goes by @JaniceHeartss on TikTok, has her hands and heart full after her baby, born in late October, was diagnosed with Prader-Willi syndrome (PWS). PWS is a rare genetic condition that leads to physical, mental, and behavioral problems. A key feature of Prader-Willi syndrome is a sense of always being hungry. It also results in poor muscle tone, distinct facial features, and a poor sucking reflex. It can also lead to behavioral problems down the line.

To make things worse for Hernandez, after her baby spent 7 weeks in the NICU, she received a bill in the mail, and it’s the cost of two to three houses in some parts of the United States. “I just got the bill for my daughter's NICU stay,” she said in a video with over 3.5 million views. "Do you guys wanna know how much it is? Do you wanna converse or have a conversation about the price? $738,360 freaking dollars. Almost a million dollars.”

That’s right, $738,360 freaking dollars.

@janiceheartss
Anyone actually pay their medical debt ooooorrrrrrrrr??? #nicumama #nicubaby #nicuwarrior

Hernandez then looked at the itemized bill and found she was charged astronomical amounts for everyday items and services. “For example, I noticed on the bill that there is a little tiny tube of Aquafor that they gave me that I actually still have $25. $25 for a tiny tube of Aquaphor that I thought the nurse was just giving me to be cute and give it for free. No, ma'am, they made sure to charge every single little thing,” Hernandez continued.

In a follow-up video, she shared that it cost $4,337 every time the staff switched her baby’s room. “Imagine if I didn't have insurance," she said according to Daily Mail, I'd have to pay all of this. 'Here in America, just to breathe costs money, and so, of course, when you step foot into a hospital, they start charging you automatically.”

How much money do Americans owe in medical debt?

Hernandez’s piece struck a chord with many Americans who have also received huge medical bills. A 2021 study found that Americans owe at least $220 billion in medical debt. Approximately 14 million people (6% of adults) owe at least $1,000, and 3 million (1% of adults) owe more than $10,000.

"Damn, how long was she in for? Our daughter was in the NICU for three weeks, and ours was $147k," Kristina asked in the comments. "My son died in the NICU after 4.5 months, and our bill was $6 million," Kaori added. "They charged me $2500 a night for the nursery that my baby never even went to. They also didn’t have a nursery," another user wrote.

Many people who live in developed countries where healthcare is free found the three-quarters-of-a-million-dollar bill astonishing. "In Saudi Arabia, all medical bills are covered by the government," one user wrote. "As a Canadian, I genuinely can not understand this," another added. "Genuine question from someone not located in the US: How on Earth do people pay these massive costs? What happens if you need medical care but have no insurance? Do you just not get treated?" Lola K asked.

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In another follow-up video, Hernandez shared that she got an update from her insurance company, and her daughter’s stay may not be fully covered. Insurance said it would pay $442,2918.75 of the $739,416.00 bill, leaving her owing $302,741.51. But she hopes that insurance will eventually kick in more. “They don't know if they're gonna be able to cover it yet,” Hernandez said. “It literally says pending or not payable. Charges that are either not covered or need more review by us.”

@janiceheartss
Replying to @Roman BIGGGG update! Guess it’s time for more waiting 🚶‍♀️🚶‍♀️#hospitalbill #insurance #nicu #hospital

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Pop Culture

Brit shares the one-word 'dead giveaway' that American actors are doing an English accent

There's one word they never get right.

via Warner Bros Discovery

Peter Dinklage on "Game of Thrones?

When it comes to actors doing accents across the pond, some Americans are known for their great British accents, such as Natalie Portman ("The Other Boleyn Girl"), Robert Downey, Jr. ("Sherlock Homes"), and Meryl Streep ("The Iron Lady").

Some have taken a lot of heat for their cartoonish or just plain weird-sounding British accents, Dick Van Dyke ("Mary Poppins"), Kevin Costner ("Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves") and Keanu Reeves ("Bram Stoker's Dracula").

Some actors, such as Tom Hardy (“The Drop”) and Hugh Laurie (“House”), have American accents so good that people have no idea they are British.

Benedict Townsend, a London-based comedian and host of the “Scroll Deep” podcast, says there is one word that American actors playing characters with a British accent never get right. And no, it’s not the word “Schedule,” which British people pronounce the entire first 3 letters, and Americans boil down to 2. And it’s not “aluminum,” which British and American people seem to pronounce every stinking letter differently.

@benedicttown
The one word American actors aways get wrong when doing an English accent

What word do American actors always get wrong when they do British accents?

“There is one word that is a dead giveaway that an English character in a movie or a TV show is being played by an American. One word that always trips them up. And once you notice it, you can't stop noticing it,” Townsend says. “You would see this lot in ‘Game of Thrones’ and the word that would always trip them up was ‘daughter.’”

Townsend adds that when British people say “daughter,” they pronounce it like the word “door” or “door-tah.” Meanwhile, Americans, even when they are putting on a British accent, say it like “dah-ter.”

“So top tip if you are an actor trying to do an English accent, daughter like a door. Like you're opening a door,” Townsend says.

What word do British actors always get wrong when doing American accents?

Some American commenters returned the favor by sharing the word that British actors never get right when using American accents: “Anything.”

"I can always tell a Brit playing an American by the word anything. An American would say en-ee-thing. Brits say it ena-thing,” Dreaming_of_Gaea wrote. "The dead giveaway for English people playing Americans: ‘Anything.’ Brits always say ‘EH-nuh-thin,’” marliemagill added.

"I can always tell an actor is English playing an American when they say ‘anything.’ English people always say it like ‘enny-thin,’” mkmason wrote.

What is the cot-caught merger?

One commenter noted that the problem goes back to the cot-caught merger, when Americans in the western US and Canadians began to merge different sounds into one. People on the East Coast and in Britain pronounce them as different sounds.

“Depending on where you live, you might be thinking one of two things right now: Of course, ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound exactly the same! or There’s no way that ‘cot’ and ‘caught’ sound the same!” Laura McGrath writes at DoYouReadMe. “As a result, although the different spellings remain, the vowel sounds in the words cot/caught, nod/gnawed, stock/stalk are identical for some English speakers and not for others.”

American actors owe Townsend a debt of gratitude for pointing out the one thing that even the best can’t seem to get right. He should also give the commenters a tip of the cap for sharing the big word that British people have trouble with when doing an American accent. Now, if we could just get through to Ewan McGregor and tell him that even though he is fantastic in so many films, his American accent still needs a lot of work.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Modern Families

Seasoned grandma reveals 3 crucial rules all new grandparents must follow

"Can someone send this to my MIL please?"

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Conflict between parents and grandparents is hard to avoid. A lot of the time, it comes down to generational differences. When our parents were raising us, there weren't smartphones and there was no Disney+ or Netflix (well, at least not the streaming version). In general, kids had more freedom and less supervision in the 80s and 90s. Parenting styles like gentle parenting or conscious parenting weren't things people thought about as frequently. Again, there was no Instagram shoving it in your face over and over! In some cases, research and data gathered over time have shown us a better way, even though previous generations of parents were doing the best with the information they had.

So it's natural for grandparents to have, um, opinions about how their grandchildren are being raised at times. According to the AARP, most disagreements center on how children are disciplined, what they eat, and how much screen time they get. The sad thing is that when these conflicts become too common, or escalate too far, grandparents can start to miss out on time with their grandkids. There's got to be a way to avoid or mediate these conflicts before they get to that point.

One grandma just laid out her three simple rules for new grandparents who want better relationships with their kids and grandkids.

Giphy

Maria, who goes by MomMom Maria online, took to Instagram to offer the blunt advice for new or expecting grandmas — though they can definitely apply to any grandparent.

Rule number one. You are not the parent.

"That is crucial. You're not this child's parent," Maria says in a selfie-style video filmed in her car. "You're privileged to be a grandmother. You're not the mother."

It sounds obvious, but Maria's absolutely right about this one. The parents get to make the decisions on how their kids are raised, how they are disciplined, what they eat, what they can and can't watch on TV, and more. As a grandparent you're not the decision-maker and you're not the one who's ultimately responsible. You can have your own thoughts and opinions, but you don't really get a say. Harsh but true!

Rule number two: Respect the parents' boundaries.

"And guess what? You don't have to understand them," says Maria. "'I don't understand why she doesn't want us to kiss the baby!' You don't have to understand, respect their boundaries."

Conflict doesn't have to come from disagreements about parenting. Some parents butt heads with grandparents over their kids being spoiled and showered with gifts (and other junk that parents then have to find a place for in crowded houses). It can be tough for grandparents to understand or agree with a boundary like "Please don't buy them anything without asking me first," but Maria argues that grandparents must respect boundaries even if they don't understand or agree with them.

Number three, a corollary to rule number two: It's not about you.

"You're not a victim," Maria says. “You're not a pushover. You're just being respectful of their role as parents and realizing that your role is a grandmother. I love it."

Just because you're keeping critical thoughts and opinions and disagreements on how the children are being parented to yourself doesn't mean you're being weak. That's just being respectful of the parents' boundaries and decisions. It's a good thing that you're working to ensure a positive relationship with your children and grandchildren! That's an investment that will reap more and more dividends as the kids get older.

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Maria's tips united people from across the aisle — both parents and grandparents agreed the guidelines could make for better relationships.

Maria's video struck a cord with a huge audience of over 300,000 viewers on Instagram. Most were fully on board with the 'new rules.'

"Grandmother to a 7-month-old and two-week-old. Absolutely agree. And I remember how it was when I was a young mother and my MIL made unsolicited comments," one fellow grandma chimed in.

"And remember things have changed since you were a mom: swaddling, no blankets, back sleeping, etc. Just nod and say ok!" offered another user.

Another user mentioned that she'd had a similar conversation with their therapist, who said: "grandparents are used to being *the* parents in the room. They often times don’t know how to or otherwise refuse to fall into a secondary role.” ... "And that hit hard," the user added. "I think a lot of these grandparents are not understanding that they don’t get to parent our kids. They need to step back and let us parent. It’s time for them to relax and step into that secondary role."

Giphy

But not everyone agreed with Maria's advice. Some grandparents, in particular, resented the fact that they should feel privileged just to be involved in a child's life at all, or they lamented not feeling connected to the family when their wisdom and experience wasn't being valued.

"I had one child. He grew up , got married, and is now a dad. I have one grandson," one person commented. "They live on the other side of the country. I keep my mouth shut about EVERYTHING. I text to get permission to call or be lucky enough to FT. I don’t send my grandson ANYTHING , not even so much as a cookie, unless I get their permission first. I struggle to have any conversation with him or his wife because I am not a part of their life. I keep my mouth shut, offer no opinions on anything . It is very hard to be so disconnected from them and it hurts but there is nothing I can do about."

Another commenter was upset by feeling like they knew better, but not being able to voice it:

"This is so hard to do as a GP. I want all organic. . Parents do not care. I want no sugar. They give lots of sugar . I want no screen time . Parents do lots of screen time . I want no cell phone scrolling. Parents scrolll constantly in front of baby. I’m trying so hard to not say anything."

Parents aren't "always right" when it comes to these conflicts, for the record. Ideally, there would be open and honest communication, and a relationship where grandparents' experience and wisdom was valued and taken into consideration, while also allowing space and boundaries for the parents to make the final decisions. Of course, communication is hard. It takes a lot of work and it requires multiple different parties to manage their emotions and egos. Learning to communicate about boundaries, rules, and differences in philosophy takes time — but Maria's three rules are a pretty good starting point for new grandparents who want to get off on the right foot.

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Pets

The biggest fan of Kendrick Lamar's halftime show is a cockatoo, and he is rocking out

Even if you couldn't care less about this Lamar & Drake beef, this is so fun to watch.

NFL/Youtube, @banditthecockatoo/TikTok

Bandit is a Lamar fan through and through.

While there were certainly many folks at home bopping along to Kendrick Lamar’s epic halftime show, no one did it quite like an internet famous white cockatoo named Bandit—who seriously needs to be hired as one of Lamar’s back-up dancers post haste.

In the video below, we get to see the entire journey Bandit takes while listening to the performance— curiosity, intrigue, trying to find the beat, feather-raised excitement as he attempts his own dance moves, followed by full on hand banging, the works!

One thing is abundantly clear. In this infamous feud between Lamar and Drake, Bandit is definitely “Team Lamar.” Watch:

Of course, this spurred a lot of fun comments from viewers, especially folks referencing said feud.

“Even animals are feeling this diss track,” one person wrote, while another said “He’s feeling the power of KDot!” referencing one of Lamar’s earlier stage names.

Another commented, “I was waiting for him to yell MUSSSSSSTARRRRD!” which Lamar himself yelled in the song "TV Off" as a nod to Mustard, his co-producer, which also became a rather famous internet meme.

While Bandit had no actuarial awareness of the diss lyrics Lamar was spitting out, he, like many avians in the parrot family, was responding to the rhythm and beat of the music. Much about how and why these birds react to music remains a bit of a mystery, but they do seem to have their individual preferences. While Bandit clearly enjoys hip hop and rap, another might prefer classical music. One funny thing to note however—it’s been said that on the whole, parrots aren’t electronica fans. So no raves for them.

Of course, cockatoos and parrots can have eclectic tastes too! As we can see below, Bandit also has a soft spot for Billy Idol.

@banditthecockatoo Bandit discovers @Billy Idol (Running with the Ghost Live at the Stateline at Hoover Dam - which is literally just down the road from our house) #BanditTheCockatoo #billyidol #stevestevens #hooverdam #stateline #concert #parrotsoftiktok #talkingparrot #cockatoo #umbrellacockatoosoftiktok #umbrellacockatoo #talkingbird #parrot #attitude #personality #bird #birb ##birdsoftiktok #birbtiktok #birbturd #birbtok #birdsofinsta #cockatoosofinstagram #parrotsofinstagram #tiktokfamous #singing #singingparrot #singingbird #dancing #dancingbird #dancingparrot ♬ original sound - BanditTheCockatoo

This charming bird has been a TikTok star for years now, entering his 300K followers with dance moves, food antics, and his own beef with “mean ol’ dad,” who has the audacity to touch his stuff. But Upworthy has encountered other cheeky cockatoos before, including one that maniacally chased its family around the house and a feathered anarchist who made headlines after uprooting anti-bird spikes.

All of these stories make sense, considering the cockatoos general penchant for attention seeking, which can lead to erratic and destructive behavior when ignored. But, as we can see, they are also incredibly intelligent, playful, and loyal to boot, making them excellent pets…as well as entertaining content creators, apparently. So bird parents, keep those video comin’.

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