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Widow who lost her husband soon after marriage shares valuable lessons about grief

#1: "Moving on" is a fallacy.

grief, losing a husband, marriage
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A grieving widow shares lessons on how to live after loss.

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Prudential

This article originally appeared on 02.14.17


Amelia and Manny made clear plans when they got married.

They planned to travel around the world. They planned what they’d want their family and their futures to look like. It was all so normal and real.

And then something they couldn't have planned for happened: Manny unexpectedly passed away soon after they'd tied the knot.

When the doctor in the emergency room told Amelia that it was time to say goodbye, she was in disbelief. "How do you even do that?" she wondered.

Instead of being a young, happy newlywed, Amelia became a young, grieving widow.

It turned her life upside down. In the months that followed, she could barely wake up and get out of bed, let alone put on clothes and walk to work. Every day felt harder than the last while the world continued on around her.

"I wanted so painfully for everything to just stop," Amelia said in an interview for Prudential's Masterpiece of Love series. "I was so tired. I just wanted it to stop." But it didn't stop. Life kept going and so did she, at times reluctantly.

Amelia has come out on the other side of the most difficult journey she could have imagined, and it's taught her a lot about herself, the grieving process, and how often life doesn't go as planned.

In hopes of helping others, Amelia wrote down eight things she learned about living after loss:

1. "Moving on" is a fallacy. Amelia prefers to call it "moving forward."

"Moving on" implies letting your person go, and that's an unrealistic expectation, Amelia wrote.

"Instead, you simply swim through it until the water clears up a little more, until the profundity of the depth is less terrifying, and until it feels a little easier, because you've gotten good at swimming."

Skydiving helped Amelia to commemorate the six-month anniversary of Manny's passing. "I guess some part of me felt like I could get closer to Manny somehow by stepping into the sky," she said.

2. "Try to remain open to life."

Amelia took a chance and met someone again who turned out to be a wonderful man. Having your heart broken again after loss is a nasty slap in the face, she wrote, but you should not let it shut you down.

"Practice kindness and graciousness when others are kind to you," she said, "and compassion when they aren't. That's a good practice for any relationship,."

3. Hers is not a "success story."

The peaceful person Amelia is today has "clawed, gasped, screamed and survived." She fell in love again and had a child, but those are not successes she can claim. She says that getting to raise her baby has been a wonderful blessing, and new life gives loss slightly more perspective. Every day, as her baby learns, she is reminded that life continues.

4. This is a big one: "Release any hostility or jealousy."

"Friends will get married and have children, celebrate anniversaries and successes, all while you are alone in the dark," she wrote. "They will forget to be sensitive to your heartache, or think that you're 'over it' enough so you won't mind if they gush. They might think that it's easier for you to show up with a smile than it really is. Let that go, too."

People are going to say the wrong things. They will say unbelievably tone-deaf things. It's important to not take hurtful words to heart, as hard as that can be. She advises trying to imagine a time when it will be easier to be happy for others again without feeling heartache yourself. Doing this will be healing.

5. "It will take longer than you expect."

Amelia wrote, "Because it doesn't go away, or stop, and because you don't get over it, that old heartache keeps creeping up long after you thought it should have gotten easier. Be compassionate with yourself. Life is not a round trip voyage; why should your grieving process be? You will get better at navigating the new normal."

6. "Only you know what you're really going through."

Amelia points to how well-meaning people will come out of the woodwork, desperate to tell you about when their somebody died, for three reasons:

One, they want to be helpful. Two, society shuns them from talking about their lost loved one and they want you to be a person whom they can commiserate with. Three, see number one.

Some people will say helpful things. But every grief is different. Every relationship is different. Every person who has passed is different, and every grieving person is different. If you grieve in your own way, you're doing it right.

7. "The right partner will actively keep the memory alive with you."

"Be careful not to get so swept up in escaping your grief that you choose someone who wants you to get over it," she wrote. "Don't you dare let anyone take your grief from you."

The right partner will hold your hand on the anniversaries (if that's what you want), will wish that they could have met your person, and will admire how you still love that person today.

8. And finally: "You can do this."

"There may be times you're pretty sure I'm wrong on this point," she wrote. "That's ok, rest when it's too hard. Find something — anything — and hang on like hell. These peaks and valleys gradually get less steep. It takes a long time, but they do. And there is sunshine again out there somewhere."

As many of us know, life often doesn't go according to plan.

It's still hard for Amelia every single day. But she says it also makes her experience things on a deeper level. Whether it’s raindrops on her skin or the feeling of breath going in and out of her lungs, everything is more vivid.

She says Manny's passing has a lot to do with that; he reminds her that every single day is a gift.

This article originally appeared on 02.14.17

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Education

Neuroscientists say a simple trick will help you learn any new skill a lot faster

Learning a new skill? Here's how to quickly level-up.

guitar, learning a skill, neuroscience, music, exposure, passive exposure, gardening
via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

A woman learning how to play guitar.

Learning a new skill, such as playing an instrument, gardening, or picking up a new language, takes a lot of time and practice, whether that means scale training, learning about native plants, or using flashcards to memorize new words. To improve through practice, you have to perform the task repeatedly and receive feedback so you know whether you’re doing it correctly. Is my pitch correct? Did my geraniums bloom? Is my pronunciation understandable?

However, a new study by researchers at the Institute of Neuroscience at the University of Oregon shows that you can speed up these processes by adding a third element to practice and feedback: passive exposure. The good news is that passive exposure requires minimal effort and is enjoyable.

"Active learning of a... task requires both expending effort to perform the task and having access to feedback about task performance," the study authors explained. "Passive exposure to sensory stimuli, on the other hand, is relatively effortless and does not require feedback about performance."


woman reading, woman book, young woman, studying, new skills A woman reading a book.via Canva/Photos

How to pick up new skills faster?

So, if you’re learning to play the blues on guitar, listen to plenty of Howlin’ Wolf or Robert Johnson throughout the day. If you’re learning to cook, keep the Food Network on TV in the background to absorb some great culinary advice. Learning to garden? Take the time to notice the flora and fauna in your neighborhood or make frequent trips to your local botanical garden.

If you’re learning a new language, watch plenty of TV and films in the language you are learning. The scientists add that auditory learning is especially helpful, so listen to plenty of audiobooks or podcasts on the subject you’re learning about.

But, of course, you also have to be actively learning the skill as well by practicing your guitar for the recommended hours each day or by taking a class in languages. Passive exposure won't do the work for you, but it's a fantastic way to pick up things more quickly. Further, passive exposure keeps the new skill you're learning top-of-mind, so you're probably more likely to actively practice it.

What is passive exposure?

Researchers discovered the tremendous benefits of passive exposure after studying a group of mice. They trained them to find water by using various sounds to give positive or negative feedback, like playing a game of “hot or cold.” Some mice were passively exposed to these sounds when they weren't looking for water. Those who received this additional passive exposure and those who received active training learned to find the water reward more quickly.

gardening, woman gardening, gardening shears, leaning gardening, weeds A woman tending to her garden.via Canva/Photos


“Our results suggest that, in mice and in humans, a given performance threshold can be achieved with relatively less effort by combining low-effort passive exposure with active training,” James Murray, a neuroscientist who led the study, told University of Oregon News. “This insight could be helpful for humans learning an instrument or a second language, though more work will be needed to better understand how this applies to more complex tasks and how to optimize training schedules that combine passive exposure with active training.”

The one drawback to this study was that it was conducted on mice, not humans. However, recent studies on humans have found similar results, such as in sports. If you visualize yourself excelling at the sport or mentally rehearse a practice routine, it can positively affect your actual performance. Showing, once again, that when it comes to picking up a new skill, exposure is key.

The great news about the story is that, in addition to giving people a new way to approach learning, it’s an excuse for us to enjoy the things we love even more. If you enjoy listening to blues music so much that you decided to learn for yourself, it’s another reason to make it an even more significant part of your life.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

This article originally appeared last year.

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Man returns his beloved childhood book to the library after finding it on the other side of the world

It was 36 years overdue.

library book, children's book, harry the dirty dog, overdue library book, chantilly regional library
Fairfax County Public Library/Facebook

A man returned a library book his parents had checked out for him in 1989, when he was 5 years old.

Most of us have returned an overdue library book or two in our lifetimes, but probably not one that went several decades past its due date. Books that have been missing from the library for that long are usually destroyed or long lost, fated to never make their way back home.

That was not the case for a copy of Harry the Dirty Dog that was returned to the Chantilly Regional Library in Virginia on Thanksgiving weekend 2025. The children's book had been checked out 36 years earlier by the parents of Dimitris Economou, who was five years old at the time. The Fairfax County Public Library shared a photo of the book and the handwritten note that accompanied it on their Facebook page.

The note read:

library book, children's book, harry the dirty dog, overdue library book, chantilly regional library The Fairfax County Public Library shared this photo on its Facebook page. www.facebook.com

“This book was checked out Nov. 6, 1989 by my parents who were diplomats based in DC at the time. They are now retired in Greece and I found this book on their shelves. It traveled the world and was well taken care of as you can see. And now it can find its way home.”

The library also wrote, "Thank you to Dimitris' parents for taking such good care of our book and to Dimitris for helping the book find its way back to our shelves."

According to Northern Virginia Magazine, Economou found the children's book on his parents' shelf when he took it down to read to his own son.

“I was reading it to my son, who is now seven years old,” Economou said, “As we got to the end, I realized it was a library book. … The moment I saw it, I felt like I had to return it. ...It just felt like the right thing to do.”

children's literature, kids books, library, public library, books, reading Some children's books never get old. Photo credit: Canva

It's never too late to return a library book

Economou's family had taken the book with them through many moves all around the world, from Syria to the Netherlands, to Japan, and finally ending up in Athens, Greece. So basically, Harry the Dirty Dog had a three-decade-long globetrotting adventure with the family until Economou discovered it.

Why return it after that much time? As Economou said, it was simply the right thing to do.

“People really care about library books, and most people really care about getting them back. And this kind of proves it, that they really cared about getting the book back to us,” library branch manager Ingrid Bowers told the Washington Post.

As far as fines for such an overdue book, Economou didn't need to worry. Chantilly Regional Library is a fine-free library, so Harry the Dirty Dog just got reshelved for other kids to enjoy.

library, librarian, public library, overdue books, books Librarians are the best.Photo credit: Canva

The timeless joy and wonder of the public library system

Public libraries are undeniably one of the greatest ideas human beings have ever come up with and one that we should never take for granted. Everything about libraries is a testament to humanity's faith in itself. The belief that people should have free access to knowledge, information, ideas, art, and entertainment is beautiful. Librarians trained to help you find whatever you are looking for are a gift. In many places, libraries now offer other useful items to borrow, such as power tools, kitchen appliances, gardening supplies, language classes, and museum passes. Libraries recognize needs and fill them, asking nothing in return except for people to bring things back.

Perhaps that's why Economou returning a book after 36 years felt like the right thing to do and makes us feel good in turn. Libraries trust us, collectively, to uphold our part of the agreement, which isn't a lot to ask when their part is so much greater. In exchange for getting to take home almost any book we can think of (plus whatever else they offer), we're supposed to bring them back. Even if it's been 36 years.

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I showed my Gen Z kids 'Dead Poets Society' and their angry reactions to it floored me

"Inspiring" apparently means different things to Gen X and Gen Z.

Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society, gen x and gen z differences
Rotten Tomatoes Classic Trailers/YouTube

Robin Williams played inspiring English teacher John Keating in "Dead Poets Society."

As a Gen X parent of Gen Z teens and young adults, I'm used to cringing at things from 80s and 90s movies that haven't aged well. However, a beloved film from my youth that I thought they'd love, "Dead Poets Society," sparked some unexpectedly negative responses in my kids, shining a spotlight on generational differences I didn't even know existed.

I probably watched "Dead Poets Society" a dozen or more times as a teen and young adult, always finding it aesthetically beautiful, tragically sad, and profoundly inspiring. That film was one of the reasons I decided to become an English teacher, inspired as I was by Robin Williams' portrayal of the passionately unconventional English teacher, John Keating.

The way Mr. Keating shared his love of beauty and poetry with a class of high school boys at a stuffy prep school, encouraging them to "seize the day" and "suck all the marrow out of life," hit me right in my idealistic youthful heart. And when those boys stood up on their desks for him at the end of the film, defying the headmaster who held their futures in his hands? What a moving moment of triumph and support.

My Gen Z kids, however, saw the ending differently. They did love the feel of the film, which I expected with its warm, cozy, comforting vibe (at least up until the last 20 minutes or so). They loved Mr. Keating, because how can you not? But when the movie ended, I was taken aback hearing "That was terrible!" and "Why would you traumatize me like that?" before they also admitted, "But it was so gooood!"

- YouTube youtu.be

The traumatize part I actually get—I'd forgotten just how incredibly heavy the film gets all of a sudden. (A caveat I feel the need to add here: Gen Z uses the word "traumatize" not in a clinical sense but as an exaggerative term for being hit unexpectedly by something sad or disturbing. They know they weren't literally traumatized by the movie.)

But in discussing it further, I discovered three main generational differences that impacted my kids' "Dead Poets Society" viewing experience and what they took away from it.

1) Gen Z sees inspiring change through a systemic lens, not an individual one

The first thing my 20-year-old said when the credits rolled was, "What? That's terrible! Nothing changed! He got fired and the school is still run by a bunch of stodgy old white men forcing everyone to conform!" My immediate response was, "Yeah, but he changed those boys' individual lives, didn't he? He helped broaden their minds and see the world differently."

o captain my captain, dead poets society Individual impact isn't as inspiring to Gen Z as it was to Gen X. Giphy

I realized that Gen X youth valued individuals going against the old, outdated system and doing their own thing, whereas Gen Z values the dismantling of the system itself. For Gen X, Mr. Keating and the boys taking a stand was inspiring, but the fact that it didn't actually change anything outside of their own individual experiences stuck like a needle in my Gen Z kids' craw.

2) Gen Z isn't accustomed to being blindsided by tragic storylines with no warning

To be fair, I did tell them there was "a sad part" before the movie started. But I'd forgotten how deeply devastating the last part of the movie was, so my daughter's "Why would you do that to me?!" was somewhat warranted. "I thought maybe a dog would die or something!" she said. No one really expected one of the main characters to die by suicide and the beloved teacher protagonist to be blamed for his death, but I'd somehow minimized the tragedy of it all in my memory so my "sad part" warning was a little insufficient.

But also to be fair, Gen X youth never got any such warnings—we were just blindsided by tragic plot twists all the time. As kids, we cheered on Atreyu trying to save his horse from the swamp in "The Neverending Story" only to watch him drown. Adults showed us "Watership Down" thinking it would be a cute little animated film about bunnies. We were slapped in the face by the tragic child death in "My Girl," which was marketed as a sweet coming of age movie.

Gen Z was raised in the era of trigger warnings and trauma-informed practices, while Gen X kids watched a teacher die on live TV in our classrooms with zero follow-up on how we were processing it. Those differences became apparent real quick at the end of this movie.

The Never Ending Story Atreyu GIFfrom The Never Ending Story GIFs


3) Gen Z fixates on boundary-crossing behavior that Gen X either overlooked or saw as more nuanced

The other reaction I wasn't expecting was the utter disdain my girls showed for Knox Overstreet, the sweet-but-over-eager character who fell for the football player's cheerleader girlfriend. His boundary-crossing attempts to woo her were always cringe, but for Gen X, cringe behavior in the name of love was generally either overlooked, tolerated, or sometimes even celebrated. (Standing on a girl's lawn in the middle of the night holding a full-volume stereo over your head was peak romance for Gen X, remember.) For Gen Z, the only thing worse than cringe is predatory behavior, which Knox's obsessiveness and pushiness could arguably be seen as. My own young Gen X lens saw Knox and said, "That's a bit much, dude. Take it down a notch or three." My Gen Z daughters' lens said, "That guy's a total creepo. She needs to run far the other way."

run, red flag behavior Gen Z is much more black and white about behaviors than previous generations. Giphy Red Flag Run GIF by BuzzFeed

On one hand, I was proud of them for recognizing red flag behaviors and calling them out. On the other hand, I saw how little room there is for nuance in their perceptions, which was…interesting.

To be clear, I don't think my Gen Z kids' reactions to "Dead Poets Society" are wrong; they're just different than mine were at their age. We're usually on the same page when it comes to these kinds of analyses, so seeing them have a drastically different reaction to something I loved at their age was really something. Now I'm wondering what other favorite movies from my youth I should show them to see if they view those differently as well—hopefully without "traumatizing" them too much with the experience.

This article originally appeared in January.

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People share 32 words they purposefully mispronounce to get a laugh out of others

"I used to call my dog 'furface' but I pronounced it like Versace."

funny mispronounced words, mispronounced words, mispronouncing words, funny words, words that make you laugh, laughing
Photo credit: Canva

A woman laughing.

One of the most amusing things about the English language is wordplay. Also known as a play on words, it involves experimenting with sounds, spellings, and meanings for the sake of wit and humor. And there are few things funnier than deliberately mispronouncing English words.

Merriam-Webster notes that English is especially ripe for wordplay because its origins are an amalgam of different languages. "It's essentially a product of Anglo-Saxon aka Old English, Latin, Old Norse, and Anglo-French," it explains.

With so many dialectal influences, English has plenty of opportunities for funny pronunciations. On Reddit, people shared 32 words they deliberately mispronounce because it makes them (and others) chuckle.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"I used to call my dog 'furface' but I pronounced it like Versace. She always smiled." - copingcabana

"I call people casseroles instead of *ssholes." - SentimentalTaterTot

"My wife is a pharmacist, I always say drug names incorrectly to annoy her. Omee prazolee, like it's an Italian dish." - Whitchit1, marsh283

"Baby because of Moira Rose [Schitt's Creek]. RIP." - Darius2112

"Porpoise instead of purpose. My Dad said it once and I will say it forever. It's fun and silly. People usually ignore it 🤷🏼♀️" - fortheloveofgodno

"Diabeetus, RIP Wilford Brimley." - Phoenix_Rising42069

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"A-A-Ron [Key & Peele]." - TwoDrinkDave

"Quesadilla - Kay suh dil uh - mainly Napoleon Dynamite." - anix421

"AirPods, I call them Air-buds because it triggers my grandkids." - Pristine_Explorer265

"Canadian here, I say 'aboot' when I'm around Americans." - Saucefire

"Fragile, as fra-gee-lay. Thanks to A Christmas Story." - goldimom

"Ess-cap-ayyyyy! Funny, it's spelled just like the word escape?" - InfinitiveIdeals

"Scissors. Pronounced skizzers." - NarrativeScorpion

"I pronounce the K in Knife. Sharp tools deserve sharp consonants, none of this silent letter nonsense." - captain_slackbeard

"Epitome -> epi-tome. Because I learned that word by reading and now because it annoys certain family members." - Ace_W

@dadlifejason

Bruh. I cant shake this no matter how hard i try. This is how it looks!!! #duet #funny #bruh

"I said Hermione (as in Granger) as her-me-own for ages before I realized." - rebekha

"Beeth-oven and So-crates. Be excellent to each other!" - NotSayingAliensBut

"I do the opposite and do testicles and molecules like they are the names of Ancient Greek heroes/philosophers." - TheOtterDecider

"Saxamaphone and trampopoline. Because Homer [Simpson]." - mr_dbini

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"I put the em-FAH-sis on the wrong syl-AH-bull [View from the Top]." - diogenes_shadow

"I like to say milestone such that it rhymes with minestrone. I also like to say ziggurat instead of cigarette. I just think it's funny, no other reason." - Tenocticatl

"Champagne. 🍾 Cham-pag-nee. Because it's Bugs Bunny style." - Necessary-Eye5319

"Trés-passing. 'There's only two of us, it doesn't say no dos-passing'." - DivineUnconvention

"Microwave as me crow wawv eh because funny. Nigella Lawson is shaking in her boots right now!" - Bubbly_Skin_8069, TheDriverEarist

"Hors d'oeuvres. Whores Dee Vours." - stedun

"Washedyoursister sauce [Worcestershire sauce]." - Mr_McGigglepants

"I used to mispronounce Persephone as Purse a phone to annoy my father. He was a fan of Greek mythology and even gave me a middle name based on one of the stories. Enough reason to want to annoy him." - metalmick

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The 'one simple fact' about life that gave Steve Jobs the courage to change the world

The same spark can live in all of us.

steve jobs, steve jobs advice, santa clara, apple, technology advice
Photo via Santa Clara Valley Historical Association/YouTube

Steve Jobs speaks to the Santa Clara Valley Historical Association.

Steve Jobs was one of the greatest minds of our time because he could anticipate what people would love before they even knew it themselves. By blending art and technology, he helped create era-defining products like the iPhone, iPod, iPad, and Macintosh computer. He also helped guide Pixar to change how we see movies.

Jobs once described the epiphany that led him to embrace out-of-the-box thinking in a 1994 interview with the Santa Clara Valley Historical Association. The message was simple: you're just as smart as the people who created the parameters of the modern world, so break them and see what you can create.

- YouTube youtu.be

The realization that changed his life

In the interview, Jobs revealed:

"When you grow up, you tend to get told that the world is the way it is and your life is just to live your life inside the world, try not to bash into the walls too much, try to have a nice family, have fun, save a little money. That's a very limited life. Life can be much broader, once you discover one simple fact, and that is that everything around you that you call life was made up by people that were no smarter than you. And you can change it, you can influence it, you can build your own things that other people can use. Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again."

"The minute that you understand that you can poke life and actually something will, you know if you push in, something will pop out the other side, that you can change it, you can mold it," Jobs continued. "That's maybe the most important thing. It's to shake off this erroneous notion that life is there and you're just gonna live in it, versus embrace it, change it, improve it, make your mark upon it."

steve jobs, iphone, jobs apple, apple iphone luanch, steve jobs conference, stete jobs speech, Steve Jobs holds an iPhone 4 at the 2010 Worldwide Developers Conference.Photo via Matthew Yohe/Wikimedia Commons

His advice applies to everyone

Jobs's realization is empowering because he argues that the people who came before us were no more special than we are today, and that we shouldn't live our lives constrained by their limitations. Traditions from years ago may no longer serve us, and pathways to success that once worked may not be as fruitful today. Nobody knows how to live your life but you.

He added that the average person has the intelligence to make big, significant changes that can improve the lives of many. In fact, with all the information and technology available today, individuals have far more tools than those who originally created the parameters by which we live.

steve jobs, iphone, jobs apple, apple ipad luanch, steve jobs conference, stete jobs speech, Steve Jobs introducing the iPad in San Francisco on January 27, 2010.Photo via Matt Buchanan/Wikimedia Commons

"I think that's very important, and however you learn that, once you learn it, you'll want to change life and make it better, cause it's kind of messed up, in a lot of ways," Jobs said. "Once you learn that, you'll never be the same again."

The beautiful thing about this realization is that Jobs wasn't trying to gatekeep being a changemaker but instead invited everyone to the party. His breakthrough was an admission that the world is never finished; it is only a rough draft that we can either keep perfecting or throw away and start something completely different.

Look around, what do you think we can improve that no one else has considered? That's how you start thinking like Steve Jobs, and after we lost him in 2011, it's clear we could use more people who see the world the way he did.

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