Family

There is a growing trend on social media in which Millennial and Gen X-aged parents (ages 29 to 44) say their Baby Boomer parents aren’t there for their grandkids. In many cases, they begged their kids to have grandchildren, but when the kids arrived, they found better things to do with their time.

The fact that their parents don’t seem to care about their own grandchildren comes as a shock to many, especially those whose grandparents were a big part of their lives growing up. Some say that because Baby Boomers are more affluent than previous generations, they spend their time doing activities outside of their family, or that, as members of the “Me Generation,” they’d rather focus on themselves than family.

Of course, one shouldn’t paint an entire generation with the same brush. There are plenty of fantastic grandparents from the Baby Boomer generation. But for those whose parents shirked their duties as grandparents, the pain is deep.

A stressed mom and her baby.via Canva/Photos

To uncover why so many Baby Boomer grandparents aren’t around for their grandchildren, a Redditor asked the Absent Grandparents subforum for reasons why: “It makes me wonder: why are so many grandparents today so uninvolved, when they themselves relied heavily on grandparent support in the ’90s and 2000s? The one silver lining is this: IF our kids have children, we’ll show up. We’ll offer help, give them weekends off, and be the kind of grandparents we wish ours were.”

5 reasons why Baby Boomer grandparents aren’t around for their grandchildren

1. They relied on their own parents

"I think because a lot of them relied so heavily on grandparent support that they have no idea how hard parenting actually is."

"Yep. My in-laws sent my husband and his two siblings to the babysitter/school for 12+ hours a day, and then on the weekends, they were at their grandma's house. Since they never got deep in the nitty gritty of caretaking, they simply had no patience for their kids when they did have them."

"We were with our grandparents a lot because they didn't want to be parents back then, and they don't want to be grandparents now."

2. They didn't want kids in the first place

"Boomers had kids to appease their parents and never forgave us for it. I think most of them would freely admit they didn’t want to have kids, but societal obligations pushed them into it. I personally believe my father only had me because having a family was kinda expected to climb the corporate ladder."

"My mom admitted that she didn't want kids, but my dad ultimatum-ed her. She was f**king amazing, engaged, involved, supportive. My dad was none of those things. Like, the best you could say is that he wasn't abusive and he liked to brag when we did well (thanks to our mom's support, not his)?"

A couple in their 60s. via Canva/Photos

3. They only want to show off to their friends

"A lot of them only want grandkids so they can take photos and play grandparent for 10 minutes to show off to their friends. The novelty soon wears off, especially when said grandchildren won't perform for them and start having their own opinions."

4. They were selfish

"For me, my parents are incredibly selfish people. They have a decent amount of money, but since I was 18, they have never paid for anything as trivial as a meal for me when we ate out. When my sister had her first grandchild, she mentioned to my parents that it would be helpful if they had a pack-and-play and a high chair/basically some baby gear for when they came to visit. My parents freaked out and basically told her they would not be buying anything like that. If she wanted it at her house, she would have to buy it for them."

5. Emotional immaturity

"I think a lot of boomers are, regrettably, at heart selfish and emotionally immature people. The greatest and silent generations were not perfect, but they had a stronger sense of decency, obligation, and expectation than boomers did. Many boomers sadly have very few interpersonal standards. ... Sorry, but you don’t want people who don’t really care in your life. The reason they don’t see their grandbabies 5 minutes away is because they do not care."

A couple in their 60s. via Canva/Photos

There are many reasons why some Baby Boomers have turned their backs on their grandchildren. So how can parents turn this into a positive? Nathaniel Turner, co-founder of the League of Extraordinary Parents, lawyer, and TEDx speaker, says that parents should take this as an opportunity to build their own village.

“I find the lament about absent Baby Boomer grandparents understandable. However, we need to stop mourning their absence and thank them for the open seats they left behind,” Turner told Upworthy. He suggests that parents find a fresh way forward rather than hope that their Baby Boomer parents will come around one day.

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“You must unapologetically accept that if an individual lacks the capacity to contribute to your child's highest outcome, their DNA gives them no special privilege to the Village seat,” Turner continued.

He suggests that parents create their own “Starting Five”—like a basketball team—to support their child’s development.

“The healthy way to handle absence is to engineer a qualified, superior replacement," he said. "Your job is to honestly and systematically evaluate potential new village members. For us, that was creating the ‘Starting Five’: a collection of five people committed to ensuring your child reaches their full potential and lives a life far better than your own.”

It seems the parents in this thread are tired of lamenting that their own parents just won’t be there for their kids as grandparents, and they just want to understand why. But, as Turner notes, that leaves an opportunity open for someone with a bigger heart and greater concern for their child’s well-being to step in and create an even stronger village.