Gentle parenting: You're doing it wrong. Watch how it's supposed to look.

One of the benefits of parenting in the 21st century is that we have decades of research on child psychology, behavior and development to draw best practices from. Unfortunately, all of that knowledge can also makes parenting more confusing than it already is.

It's not that the research is faulty, it's that people often don't take the time to actually understand what specific parenting philosophies actually entail. There's perhaps no more notorious example of that than misunderstandings about what "gentle parenting" means.

For many parents, "gentle parenting" sounds like a nice idea in theory but unrealistic in practice. Many imagine it means always using a calm and quiet voice, asking a child nicely to do things (or not do things) without setting any rules or boundaries around behavior. With that understanding, what ends up happening is a parent tries to "gentle parent" their child with scenarios that go something like this:

"Ellie, would you please put your shoes on?"

[Ellie ignores Mom and continues to play with her toys.]

"Ellie, it's time to get your shoes on. Can you stop playing with your toys, please?"

[Ellie shakes her head no while continuing to play.]

"Ellie, we have to go now. Mommy needs you to put your shoes on. Can you cooperate, please?"

[Ellie says, "No, I don't want to!"]

"Come on, Ellie. I know you don't want to, but please be cooperative."

Child playing with blocks. Photo by Karolina Kaboompics/Pexels

And so it continues, with Mom asking nicely and Ellie refusing until Mom finally loses her patience and yells, at which time Ellie complies. Conclusion: Gentle parenting doesn't work.

Except what Mom is doing in that scenario isn't gentle parenting. It's gentle, sure. But it's not parenting.

Behavioral specialist and teacher Gabe Hannans explains what gentle parenting means in his popular TikTok videos. He also takes it a step further and demonstrates what gentle parenting actually looks like in practice.

In one video, Hannans stitches a video showing a mother losing her cool and yelling and swearing at a toddler who wouldn't get out of the garbage when she asked nicely with the caption, "When gentle parenting is not working."

"So, gentle parenting is not talking to your child like, 'Oh, little Billy, you gotta stop. Stop that, little Billy,'" he says. "If I need a kid to do something, I'm gonna walk up, 'Hey, little Billy. This is what we're doing now.' I'm gonna say what you should be doing instead of what you shouldn't be doing."

Watch him explain the effect that has on a child's brain:

In another video, he demonstrates what gentle parenting might look like in practice with a specific scenario in which he asks a kid to come inside because it's about to start raining. The kid, Jimothy, responds in a way that's rude or disrespectful because he wants to stay outside a little longer. Watch how Hannans handles it:

As the parent in the situation, he doesn't act as if he's not bothered by the kid's reaction. He's real about it, but he doesn't react with anger. He models healthy emotional control. He makes it clear that the expectation is mutual respect, and he models and explains that, too. He has the kid come up with a respectful response and has him practice it. Then he shows the kid that the respectful response works better, offering positive reinforcement of the desired behavior.

"A lot of parents are unfortunately holding on the belief that gentle parenting is permissive parenting, and they are not the same thing," he says. "They are so different because gentle parenting actually does teach respect, it teaches boundaries, it teaches expectations, it teaches what you're supposed to do in a given interaction. It's what proper parenting looks like."

Sometimes gentle parenting is referred to as conscious parenting or respectful parenting, but it's all the same thing. It's parenting through the lens of teaching, with the understanding that kids aren't born knowing how to act or communicate or behave or express themselves. We as parents have to patiently and persistently teach them all of those things, and that looks a bit different at each age and stage.

What about things like tantrums? As Hannans shows and explains in another video, taking a proactive approach to prevent tantrums is much more effective than waiting for them to happen and then having to manage them. Tantrums happen—it is developmentally appropriate behavior at certain ages and stages. But there's a lot that a parent can do to lessen the chances of a kid melting down.

Here's one example of how a parent can prepare a child to go shopping and set the expectations beforehand for what a trip to the store is going to entail.

Every parent knows that parenting is complicated no matter how much research we do and how much knowledge we have. Each child has their own innate personality that parents have to get to know, and each parent has their own upbringing, environment, culture and tendencies to contend with. Most of us want to parent well, but figuring out how to do that with all the different variables at play is hard.

But that doesn't mean there aren't better and worse ways to parent. We have research-backed, effective ways to teach a child how to be a solid, upstanding human being without having to resort to harsh punishments. Screaming and yelling, spanking, humiliation, shaming and other "old school" methods might seem like they "work" in the short term, because they cause a child to shut down and do as they're told out of fear. But that doesn't teach them what respectful behavior or emotional regulation actually look like. It doesn't give them the tools and skills they need to make choices for themselves. That's what gentle parenting is all about.

Follow Hannans on TIkTok for more gentle parenting education and demonstration, and check out his book, "This is Parenting," here.