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05.15.13
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It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids.
The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones.
The bad news? One phrase:
"When are you bringing them over?"
Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.
Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.
Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents
A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."
"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"
The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.
Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed
Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.
The breakable decor found in every grandparents' houseozalee.fr/Flickr
"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.
Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down
Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.
"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."
Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems
Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.
It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath.
Naps and routines go to hell
Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.
Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night.
Kids with special needs require even more consistency
Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors.
Explaining and mediating the generational divide
Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash
Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?
Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?
Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.
"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.
But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!
Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.
"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.
"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."
Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?
"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.
"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."
Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids.
We all have the same goal.
"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."
Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.
via Canva/Photos
A guy having a collaborative conversation.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.
How to have a constructive conversation
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
People coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
Phrases you can use to avoid an argument
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos
What's the best way to disagree with people?
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
Photo by Felipe Salgado on Unsplash
I'm a proud dad of two girls, so I've experienced it twice. There's something incredible about the very first moment you lay eyes on your baby or hold them in your arms. A brand new person in the world.
Both times it filled me with overwhelming emotion – even if only for a few seconds. Just a rush of love and wonder that is really hard to describe. Luckily, one new dad was able to capture it quite perfectly.
Joshua Lelon recently posted a screenshot of a text sent to him by a friend shortly after the birth of his son, trying to describe the feeling:
"You know how when someone you love dies, at first it doesn't sink in but then you start thinking about all the things you will no longer be able to do with them?
"It's like the opposite feeling of that. It's incredible."
What a perfect description. It's the opposite of grief and loss. It's the feeling of gaining something completely new, something that didn't even exist in the world before that exact moment. And it's not something most of us to get to experience very often, if ever.
Joshua's friend's words really struck a nerve with parents on X. The quote was viewed over 1.5 million times and inspired thousands of reposts and comments.
What's behind the powerful feeling you get when you see or hold your baby for the first time?
Photo by Lawrence Crayton on Unsplash
There's a lot of emotion involved in the birth of a child. You're happy, excited, anxious, grateful, overwhelmed, and a little scared. So it makes sense that most of us would have a strong reaction in that moment.
There's also a lot going on in our brains and bodies that plays a big role.
"Our brains are flooded with a mix of oxytocin (often called the 'love hormone'), dopamine, and endorphins, which create that sensation of love and bonding," says Dr. Jennifer Silver.
For a quick refresher, oxytocin is a hormone heavily associated with love (both romantic and platonic), trust, and comfort. Dopamine does a lot of things in our bodies, but is mostly associated with pleasure — it just makes us feel good and want to do things that release even more dopamine. And endorphins help regulate our stress and moods — a rush of endorphins makes us feel happier, in short.
That's an extremely powerful cocktail! Needless to say, we don't usually experience all of those things at once when we meet new people.
"New parents [also[ experience changes in areas of the brain tied to empathy and caregiving, creating a profound shift in perspective," adds Silver. This can happen right away, gradually over time, or both.
Either way, there's a LOT going on all at the same time.
That helps explain why meeting your baby for the first time is such an intense, full-body feeling that can bring even the most stoic people to tears.
It's also totally normal to feel very little — or even nothing — in your earliest days as a parent.
For every person who reports the life-changing rush of love when they felt when they first saw their baby, there's another who felt almost nothing at all.
It's important to remember that that's normal, too.
The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists writes:
"Many new parents need more time to bond. Bonding is when you develop feelings of unconditional love for your newborn. Often, bonding happens gradually over the baby’s first year of life. So if you don’t feel these strong feelings of closeness in the first days or weeks after birth, that’s normal."
Postpartum depression, which most hospitals are on sharp lookout for, is a little different. It involves deep feelings of despair or unhappiness, crying, and thoughts of harming yourself or the baby.
Not having strong feelings toward the baby right away isn't a sign you have postpartum depression. But there's no shame in either outcome.
However, if you're feeling a little down about not having instantly bonded with your baby, the key is to fake it until you make it.
Lots of touching, skin contact, talking, and gazing into your baby's eyes has been shown to help form a stronger bond over time.
And whether you get the initial burst of happy hormones or not, just remember the wise words above. You've got a lifetime of bonding and memory making to look forward to, and that is pretty amazing.