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Internet

Woman's math on when someone should be considered an adult makes a lot of sense

"Pretending that 18 year olds are adults is the biggest disservice to all of us collectively."

older adults posing for a photo; a group of young people posing for a photo
Photo credit: Canva

Woman argues that you're not an adult until 36. It makes sense.

In America, 18 is the magic number that makes you an official adult. Seventeen year olds go to bed as a teenager still in need of adequate supervision and guidance only to wake up eight hours later a full blown adult ready to make all of their decisions unassisted. Of course this isn't developmentally true, most 18 year olds are still in high school and need just as much guidance as they did the day prior to this magical change. But this developmental reality isn't always respected by the law, some parents, or other adults.

The teens themselves consider themselves adults since that's the age everyone tells them means adulthood and most don't have the life experience to know any different. TikTok user Sam Kochman recently explained why she doesn't believe 18 year olds should be considered adults, and she makes some really valid points. The woman advocates for raising the age of what is considered "grown up" to 36, and while that might sound ridiculous, people agree with her reasoning.

"Pretending that eighteen year olds are adults is like the biggest disservice to all of us collectively, because 18 is zero," the woman argues.

gif of Andy Samberg saying "I'm an adult" in an SNL skit.Saturday Night Live Snl GIF by SeesoGiphy

The logic being that when you turn 18, you've had 18 years of childhood with zero years of adulthood so at 19 you're a one year old adult. According to Kochman, she wouldn't even start counting adult years until 22, likely due to the legal age to consume alcohol being 21. But for the sake of the national "congratulations you're an adult age," she starts with 18 as year zero of adulthood.

Whether you start adult years at 18 or 22, developmentally, a person's prefrontal cortex doesn't stop developing until they're between 25 to 26 years old. This means their decision making will likely be much more impulsive, less informed, and they'll take more risks, have difficulty planning, stronger emotional responses, and act without fully considering the consequences.

Kochman says, "At 36, then you're 18. Then...then you're what we all pretend you are at 18. Then you're an 18 year old adult. Do you know what I'm saying?"

gif of an older woman saying, "Welcome to being an adult. It sucks." Sucks Annie Potts GIF by CBSGiphy

People overwhelmingly agree with that logic, with one person writing, "This is such a good take. I’m 36 and I finally feel like a fully formed adult. YOU ARE SO RIGHT. My head is exploding rn."

One person says, "Being 25 you realize how young college kids are."

"6 months after I turned 18 I lost a (very toxic) friend who got mad at me for making a mistake because 'I'm a fully grown adult and I should know better' bro I was in high school 2 weeks ago what," someone shares.

Another person explains, "Literally!!! All we’ve known is school and then they just act like you’re ready for life and to be on your own cause you’re 18?!?!"

@samkochman 36 is 18. 36 is start of adult.
♬ original sound - sam

"This makes perfect sense. I had my daughter when I was biologically 19 and thought I was grown. Now she’s biologically 19 but she’s actually a baby - I couldn’t imagine her having a baby," one mom exclaims.

Someone else suggests, "18-25 should be called periadulthood like the phase pre-adulthood."

Of course, there were a few people who disagree with the take. But, of the ones who disagreed, there seemed to be a misunderstanding that doing adult things constituted adulthood. The commenters that agree, which is an overwhelming majority, are focused on brain development and the general feeling of being an adult without having to defer to others. The general consensus seems to be that treating an 18 year old like someone in their 30s isn't helpful and more grace should be extended to those just entering adulthood. What do you think? Should 18 year old teenagers be expected to be just as adult as someone much older?

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Nature

These 13 stunning photos won gold in the 2021 World Nature Photography Awards

See how talented photographers capture the beauty and wonder of our world.

Tom Vierus/World Nature Photography Awards

Photographers capture some of nature's best moments.

The World Nature Photography Awards showcase the best of nature's moments caught on camera, and each year, the world's best photographers compete for gold in a range of categories. In the 2021 photo contest, Amos Nachoum from the United States won the top cash prize award of $1,000 for his image of a leopard seal about to capture a defenseless gentoo penguin. Four years later, the images are still unforgettable.

Getting the split-second photo was no easy task. Nachoum had to wait for hours on the remote island of Plano, off the Antarctic Peninsula, for the right moment at low tide when the seals entered a lagoon to catch their prey. Unfortunately, the photo is one of the last moments of the young penguin’s life. “The terrified penguin tried to escape as the game continued. But soon, the end came,” Nachoum said in a statement.

leopard seal, penguin, nature photographyWorld Nature Photographer of the Year and Gold Winner in "Behavior - Mammals" — Amos Nachoum, USA Amos Nachoum/World Nature Photography Awards

Nachoun's full photo statement: "For hours, I waited for the low tide to arrive along a shallow lagoon on a remote island off the Antarctic Peninsula. Like clockwork, the leopard seal arrived in the lagoon just before low tide. It put its head in the water and looked just like a rock sitting in the receding water. The young Gentoo penguins only dare to enter the water when it is shallow and when they got close enough to the seal, it turned its head at lightning speed, catching one of the penguins by its feet and taking it to deep water. Once the seal reached open water, I followed it and swam parallel to it, observing its actions. To my surprise, it let go of the penguin twice. Each time, the seal chased after the penguin again, as if it was enjoying the game. The terrified penguin tried to escape as the game continued. But soon, the end came."

Other winners included a remarkable shot of a humpback whale just outside New York City, a majestic photo of an orangutan in a river, and an arctic fox braving the frozen tundra in Iceland.

The photographs are a wonderful example of the dedication and care taken by nature photographers, but they’re also a reminder of our duty to care for the environment.

“The World Nature Photography Awards were founded in the belief that we can all make small efforts to shape the future of our planet in a positive way and that photography can influence people to see the world from a different perspective and change their own habits for the good of the planet. 2021’s competition saw entries come in from 20 countries across 6 continents,” the World Nature Photography Awards said in a press release.

Here are the other photographers who won gold in the 2021 contest.

macaques, baby macaque, nature photographyGold Winner in "Animal Portraits" — Tom Vierus, FijiTom Vierus/World Nature Photography Awards

"Long-tailed macaques enjoy the warmth of each other during a hot day in Bali, Indonesia. These animals show very similar behaviour to us humans including enjoying each other trusting company. The macaques are used to humans and are commonly found around temples where they tend to feed on food sacrifices by the locals."

frog, pacific tree frog, nature photographyGold Winner in "Behavior - Amphibians and Reptiles" — Shayne Kaye, CanadaShayne Kaye/World Nature Photography Awards

"This shot came out of a 'nothing' outing to a local park. It was the middle of a sunny summer day with harsh light and little activity. After going out with low expectations, I came across this tiny Pacific Tree Frog on a flower. After waiting for it to move into a more photogenic position on the flower, and trying repeatedly to catch the mottled light through the tree’s leaves above it at exactly the right spot, I got exactly what I was hoping for. It proved to me that there’s really no bad time to head into nature with a camera!"

wildebeest, vulture, africa wildlife, nature photographyGold Winner in "Behavior - Birds" — Ashok Behera, Indiavia Ashok Behera/World Nature Photography Awards

"A wildebeest’s eyes being gorged by an African vulture, keenly watched by an African fox for an opportunity to scavenge. Taken at Masai Mara, Kenya."

red ants, reflection, nature photographyGold Winner in "Behavior - Invertebrates" — Chin Leong Teo, Singaporevia Chin Leong Teo/World Nature Photography Awards

"The common red ant is ingenious at traversing terrain. When front scout ants encounter a water obstacle, they intuitively form an "ant-bridge" with their bodies, so that their ant-mates at the back of the party can cross."

tuscany, italy, landscape photography, nature photographyGold Winner in "Nature Art" — Federico Testi, ItalyFederico Testi/World Nature Photography Awards

"The natural creativity of San Quirico d'orcia, in Tuscany, Italy. Waves, shapes and tone created by light, in harmony with the universe."

lake baikal, russia, ice, nature photographyGold Winner in "People and Nature" — Sabrina Inderbitzi, SwitzerlandSabrina Inderbitzi/World Nature Photography Awards

"I crawled into this ice cave on the totally frozen Lake Baikal in Russia. First I didn't like the fact that the car and the people were in the middle of my picture, but then on a second view I found it just perfect."

goa, india, hut, nature photographyGold Winner in "Plants and Fungi" — Gautam Kamat Bambolkar, IndiaGautam Kamat Bambolkar/World Nature Photography Awards

"Entrance to a room inside an abandoned house in Goa, India. It is fascinating how mother nature takes over from where man has left."

humpback whale, new york, ocean, nature photographyGold Winner in "Urban Wildlife" — Matthijs Noome, USAMatthijs Noome/World Nature Photography Awards

"Finally got the shot I wanted: a humpback's fluke with the New York City downtown skyline in the distance. As water quality measures and conservation efforts have started to show real results over the last years, humpback whales are becoming a common sight more and more in New York waters."

new zealand, mountain reflection, nature photographyGold Winner in "Planet Earth's Landscapes and Environments" — Sam Wilson, AustraliaSam Wilson/World Nature Photography Awards

"Travelling down random dirt roads can be so rewarding when you are greeted with scenes like this. Taken on South Island, New Zealand."

arctic fox, Iceland, black and white photography, nature photographyGold Winner in "Black and White" — Vince Burton, United KingdomVince Burton/World Nature Photography Awards

"A recent trip to Iceland where we were lucky to view and photograph the rare 'blue morph' Arctic fox. The weather conditions were extreme, but that didn't seem to bother the fox."


orangutan, wildlife, nature photographyGold Winner in "Animals in Their Habitat" — Thomas Vijayan, CanadaThomas Vijayan/World Nature Photography Awards

"Mature male orangutans have large flappy cheek-pads, known as flanges, a throat sac used to make loud verbalisations called long calls. Once they reach maturity, they spend most of their time alone, about 90%. I was lucky enough to get this fully-grown, matured orangutan giving me the best pose possible."


baby orangutan, wildlife rescue, nature photographyGold Winner in "Nature Photojournalism" — Alain Schroeder, BelgiumAlain Schroeder/World Nature Photography Awards

"Sibolangit, SOCP Quarantine Centre, North Sumatra, Indonesia. The whole SOCP team works together to prepare Brenda, an estimated 3-month-old female orangutan (she has no teeth yet), for surgery. A sedative is administered, the arm is shaved, her temperature is taken, while others hold her head or her hand out of compassion for the baby. During the three-hour procedure, Dr. Andreas Messikommer, a renowned orthopaedic surgeon invited from Switzerland, will place a pin and screws to secure the damaged humerus. Brenda was confiscated from a villager in Blang Pidie on the west coast of Aceh who was keeping her as a pet."

You can find the latest World Nature Photography Award contest detail and winners at worldnaturephotographyawards.com.

This article originally appeared four years ago.






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Family

A 7-year-old asked to do more chores for the most adorable and heartbreaking reason

Dad figured "he wanted more Lego or something." Dad was wrong.

Canva Photos

Kids will act out in interesting ways when they want more attention.

Humans rarely say exactly what they mean or feel. With kids it's even moreso. They don't have the words and wisdom and experience to express the complicated emotions they might be feeling. So they reach out, or sometimes act out, in other ways.

Getting in trouble at school, not eating enough, throwing tantrums. Those are the tried-and-true classics. But sometimes kids show other, more unusual signs that they want or need something.

That might be what happened to one dad, who said his 7-year-old son recently came to him with a strange request: He wanted to do more chores.


kids, chores, cleaning, household, hygiene, parenting, dads, fatherhoodWhat kid would sign up for more chores?!Canva Photos

Yes, that's right, more chores. What kind of kid asks for more chores? The dad took his story to social media in a post on r/Daddit:

"I work a lot, and don't see my 3 kids that much during the week. I usually take them on fun amazing adventures on weekends in order to make up for it.

"Today my son said he wanted to do [chores[ to earn some money. I figured he wanted more Lego or something. He was talking to me more and he said he wanted to give me all the money he earns so I don't have to go to work anymore.

"It's really cute and heart melting, and also makes me feel like I'm a bad dad because him and his sisters don't get to spend enough time with me. Also I'm having trouble making him realize that all the money he gets from 'chores' comes out of what I make at work, so no matter how hard he works it would just make me go back to where I was beforehand."

It's so innocent and hilarious that the kid doesn't realize when he gets paid for doing chores, it comes from his dad's wallet, thus defeating the entire purpose. But it's a beautiful sentiment and the kind of thing that wrecks parents emotionally, both positively and negatively.

Fellow dads had a mixed, but emotional, response.

parenting, dads, fatherhood, men, mens health, mental health, kidsHow it feels to be a working parentGiphy

Some urged the original poster that his son was crying out for more attention, and that he'd regret not heeding the call:

"Id rather live just getting by and spending a ton of time with my toddlers, than working 60+ hours a week and never seeing them. Time is fleeting ... Take those 10 years and work a little less, come home early a couple days a week. Use your PTO. you'll regret missing their childhood."

"Obligatory Daddit-PSA: 'The only people who will remember you worked late are your children'"

"Here’s some tough love for you ... I don’t know your financial situation or occupation or even how many hours you work. Your kiddos basically throwing out a plead to spend more time with him, and probably the other 2 as well."

"Your son misses you. Hang out with him and your other kids, even if you're all doing chores together."

Others offered a supportive pat on the back for working hard to provide:

"That’s a punch in the gut. You’re not a bad dad just because you are working. (Unless you’re not spending time with them when you’re not working). Make sure he knows you love him and be grateful for his wanting to give you a gift. Then make some special time for him and try to give him regular, predictable amounts of your time."

"OP: You’re doing great - this means your kids want to spend time with you. My oldest had a sentiment like this after my wife was forced to stop working - she wanted to help."

"Hot take - but I think you’re killing it. He’ll see this very differently when he’s older, retrospectively. You’re doing what dads gotta do sometimes and getting bread. He’ll respect you for it."

There's a running theme of frustration among modern dads. We're trying to fill multiple roles, both the classic provider/protector role that our fathers and grandfathers played, but also a more nurturing and involved role in our children's lives.


fatherhood, men, dads, parenting, parenthood, children, kids, familyUnfortunately, modern fatherhood isn't all frolicking on the beach Photo by lauren lulu taylor on Unsplash

Dads are spending more time with their kids than ever, not content to sit on the sidelines for doctor's visits and playdates and day-to-day care. They're also working more than ever. Yes, technically working hours have been on a downward trend since the industrial revolution, but the data fails to account for lengthy commutes and the "always on" nature of many modern jobs. I don't know many parents who don't frequently catch up on work at night or respond to emails during family dinner time.

You don't have to have a Phd to see that the math doesn't math — there just aren't enough hours in the day to do it all.

For what it's worth, moms are facing a similar but even more extreme struggle. It's why parents are in big trouble according to the Surgeon General. Unfortunately, there's no easy answer. Dads like the original poster of this thread need to earn money and hold onto benefits like healthcare for their families. But their kids need them, too. For now, we're all just doing our best to try to do it all.

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Pets

Veterinarian lists 6 things pet owners do that 'give him the ick.' Pet parents, take note.

Though meant in good fun, these 'icks' contain some helpful pointers.

Photo credit: Canva

No pet owner wants to give their vet "the ick."

Ally McBeal first brought us the phrase “gives me the ick” back in 1999, and it’s had a resurgence in recent years, thanks to TikTok. While mostly reserved for describing annoyances in the dating world, the term can and has been used to describe virtually every red flag or pet peeve under the sun. Now, thanks to Dr. Frank Bozelka, we can enjoy a veterinarian version of “the icks.”

Just to be clear, the icks in question don’t come from the patients themselves…but the pet parents. While Dr. Bozelka is clearly just poking fun, he doesn’t shy away from highlighting some of the choices that pet parents make that cause some serious problems for their furry friends.

Ick #1 - Trusting a breeder's opinion over a vet’s

As Bozelka points out in his video caption, breeders “are not medical experts.” He added that while there are certainly knowledgeable breeders out there—even some who taught him breed specific tidbits—”most of the time you’re dealing with a backyard breeder who is literally just trying to dodge any responsibility.”

@dr.bozelkaervet

While there certainly are breeders that know their stuff, they are still not medical experts! Sure I’ve learned a few things from breeders about unique breeds I didn’t know, but it’s not very common. And the harsh reality of being a vet is that most of the time, you’re dealing with a backyard breeder that’s literally just trying to dodge any responsibility. So yes, our gut reaction when people say that is to cringe, sorry. I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT JUST BUY A BREED BECAUSE IT’S CUTE!!! DO! YOUR!! HOMEWORK!!! Make sure the breed is a good fit for your lifestyle, and make sure your lifestyle is a good fit for the breed! And for retractable leashes: I’ve seen far more injuries caused to dogs and humans from retractable leashes compared to other leashes. End of explanation. For number 6: stop complaining about the wait times. We know it’s frustrating. The dirty truth, however, is the vast majority of the time it’s NOT the fault of the hospital staff. It’s other owners and the cases we are seeing. #fyp #comedyvideo #satire #doglover #catlover #petlover #vetsoftiktok #drbozelka


Hence why his gut reaction when he hears someone refer to a breeder’s opinion as gospel is to “cringe.”

Even breeders agreed on this one. One wrote, “As a breeder I never give medical advice. I say: ‘please go see your vet.’ Maybe because I’m also a vet tech.”

Ick # 2 - Doing the opposite of what the vet says they would do

Next on the list: when someone asks, “If this were your dog what would you do?" then proceeds to do the opposite of what he’d do.

“Bro, why did you even ask me?” he says in the clip. Seriously, why ask if you're not even going to take the information to heart?

University Of Washington Dog GIF by Pac-12 NetworkGiphy

Ick # 3 - Not accommodating a dog that needs lots of activity

Some people desperately want, say, a husky dog because they're so beautiful and so smart. But breeds like that also have very high activity needs that require some pretty significant lifestyle changes. And yet, people complain when that same breed of dog is tearing up the house all the time because they're not giving them the physical activity outlets they require.

In other words, you can put a dog bred to race sleds through the snow into a 12' by 12' living room and expect them to just happily chill there.

Ick #4 - Buying a pet after doing zero research on the specific needs of the breed

Along the lines of the husky example, pet owners really need to understand the breed of animal they are getting.

“I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT JUST BUY A BREED BECAUSE IT’S CUTE! DO! YOUR! HOMEWORK!” Bozelka wrote in all caps.

Dog breeds in particular vary a lot and some have very specific needs that an owner may not be prepared to handle. Know what you're getting into before making a decade-plus long commitment to care for an animal.

@dr.bozelkaervet

True story… Legends has it that Hisoka aged another 2 years by the time she realized what was happening with him… Make sure to follow me on other platforms for when TikTok inevitably gets banned! YouTube: @Dr.BozelkaERvet1 Facebook and Instagram: @Dr.BozelkaERvet #fyp #comedyvideo #catlover #doglover #petlover #animallover #vetsoftiktok #drbozelka

Ick #5 - Complaining about wait times at the ER

No one wants to be made to wait when their animal needs to be seen, but there's only so much that is under the staff's control.

“We know it’s frustrating,” Bozelka writes, “The dirty truth, however, is the vast majority of the time it’s NOT the fault of the hospital staff. It’s the other owner and the cases we are seeing."

Ick #6 - Retractable leashes

Lastly, Dr. Bozelka listed retractable leashes as an ick, simply because they’re so dangerous. He’s seen “far more injuries caused” by them in comparison to other leashes, so better to be safe than sorry.

While not every vet might have the same icks as Bozelka, it’s easy to see how any one in his situation would be aggravated. Vets undergo years of education and training to help give our pets the best life possible. And when we make their job even harder, frustration is inevitable.

Dr. Bozelka has also shared things pet owners do that vets love:

@dr.bozelkaervet

Replying to @konagirl02 May not be mah best work, but it’s still important work! There are plenty of things pet owners can do to make us happy, and most of them are pretty simple! And TRUST me, for those of you that are understanding and considerate of the wait times, the vet staffs are literally singing your praises and blessing your family and friends behind close doors because of how amazing you are! Being polite and understanding about your wait is a sure fire way to get a staff to love you (at least from an ER standpoint). #fyp #comedyvideo #catlover #doglover #petlover #animallover #vetsoftiktok #drbozelka

According to the website KeepingItPawsome.com, there are a few other behaviors that vets find frustrating, including:

Overfeeding, trusting “Dr. Google” over their professional opinion, being verbally abusive or getting hysterical in the waiting room, not having pet insurance or an emergency fund, waiting too long before brining the pet in to get a check up, expecting free treatment or reduced fees, giving up on sick or old pets, trying medications or supplements without consulting them (again, Google can’t always be trusted), and last but not least—expecting a quick and easy fix.

Vets want what’s best for our fur babies. So these are good things to remember as pet parents, so that we may better help them help us.

This article originally appeared last year.


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Education

Librarian exposes how book bans can happen without us noticing

“They’re counting on you not noticing."

Photo credit: Canva

"It’s easy to not see when something that’s that small disappears.”

Last year, the American Library Association (ALA) reported 938 attempts to challenge 4,240 unique titles in schools and libraries across the US. With statistics like that, one might imagine vacant, empty shelves with only a handful of titles available.

But in reality, book bans are much more insidious. Just take it from a librarian herself. Hayley DeRoche, known by her Instagram and TikTok followers as Sad Beige, showed just how easy it is for censorship, as impactful as it is, to go completely unnoticed.

In her video, DeRoche shows an unassuming bookshelf in her library, with a display of random books. She then cuts, asking if the viewer notices anything different. (remember those games?)

And while, sure, one can tell there is a difference, it’s hard to detect how different it is. Turns out, eight books were removed. Just like that.

“Did you notice?” she asks. “They’re counting on people not noticing that the books that they don’t want you to access are gone.”

@sadbeige Replying to @ShaniaTwang #bannedbooks #library #booktok ♬ original sound - SadBeige

This somewhat counters that narrative many of us have in our heads that only the very controversial titles are possibly on the chopping block. Some books we’ve never heard of might disappear. Meaning our kids lose the opportunity to stumble upon new ideas that open them up in unexpected ways…which, isn’t that, at least partially, what books exist for in the first place?

And then is the point DeRoche drove home in her clip, saying “You won’t notice at first because when you look around [a library] can you see specifically what books are on the shelves? Can you really see what ideas are being presented here? No! You can’t. It’s easy to not see when something that’s that small disappears.”

@sadbeige they don’t want you to have beans #greenscreen ♬ original sound - SadBeige

She went on to say that “they’re counting on you not noticing. They’re counting on you not going to council meetings where they are talking about these things. They’re counting on everyone being so overwhelmed that the public library facing book bans falls off people’s radars.”

Overwhelm is certainly what many librarians are experiencing, DeRoche noted, explaining how many eventually acquiesce to censorship demands, “in part to save themselves from having to completely disappear from the community entirely.” Some states, like Texas and Alabama, are creating laws in which librarians even face prosecution for providing certain works of literature to students, titles like The Odyssey, Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, and One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest.

@sadbeige I forget sometimes that not everyone knows this!! So quick overview if you’re new to library advocacy or want to share with folks who are ❤️📚🫡 #library #bannedbooks #librariansoftiktok #educational #educationalpurposes #explainer #greenscreensticker ♬ original sound - SadBeige

Point being: librarians and teachers are doing their best, but that effort can only go so far. As DeRoche warned, those putting these rules in place are banking on the fact that parents won’t be proactively working to stop it.

Here are a few ways to do so, courtesy of Pen America:

1. Contact your state and federal elected officials to sign the pledge: #DontCensorAmerica.

2. Send a postcard to an author or librarian, or share your story on social media with the hashtag #FreeTheBooks

3.Notify PEN America if book bans are happening in your community

4. Participate in School Board Elections

Text “READ” to 26797 for more information from Let America Read and to register to vote.

5. Attend a School or Library Board Meeting

They even have tips on what to say at school board meetings, as well as a sample letter to share with a school or library.

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Family

Therapist shares her 'one rule' for new stepparents that puts their role in proper perspective

Knowing your role in a child's life can be confusing.

via Cava/Photos

A stepmother and her stepdaughter.

New stepparents face many challenges when navigating a complex dynamic when they become part of a family. The stepchildren may feel loyal to the biological parent, making bonding or getting along tricky. They also have to forge a positive relationship with their new spouse's ex-partner, who may be bitter about the breakup or protective of their children.

Stepparents may also feel like they don’t belong and have a hard time finding their role in the household. Abby, a Licensed Professional Counselor, recently shared on TikTok the “one rule” that stepparents should follow when forging a relationship with their stepkids, and it should bring them some comfort in a stressful situation.

How can new step-parents create a good relationship with their step-children?

“Let’s not overcomplicate it. Let’s not panic. There are a lot things about being a stepparent that are challenging,” Abby says in her video. “And you probably didn’t expect it, and you’re figuring it out, but there is one rule. That rule is: the kid decides your relationship and the pace of your relationship. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. You cannot force it. You cannot make them treat you as a mom if they don’t feel that you’re a mom.”

@abbytherapist

Step parent relationships can be complex, give it time, don’t push it. #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepparents #stepmom #bonusmom #momlife #motherhood

Abby’s advice makes sense because every child is going to have different needs and expectations from a stepparent, and a lot of that has to do with their relationship with their biological parents. Some children may rush to embrace a new parental figure, while others may take time to adjust to the new stepparents because they don't want to betray their biological parents.

Further, it’s impossible to make anyone love you, let alone like you, whether it’s a romantic relationship or you are joining a new family. Just because you married a child’s parent doesn’t mean they’ll automatically take a shine to you, and forcing yourself into their lives might make it harder for them to feel comfortable around you.

stepchildren, stepmoms, step-dads, stepparenting, therapist advice, A step mom bonding with her stepson.via Cava/Photos

How to build a strong relationship with my step-children.

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph. D., also believes that new stepparents should refrain from rushing into relationships with their new stepchildren, especially if they are teenagers. "As an introducer of family change, starting a new practice, stopping one that is old, and increasing or decreasing the frequency of some family behavior, I believe it’s generally best to go slow,” Pickhardt writes at Psychology Today. “First, fit into the ongoing family before trying to fit it to the stepparent. Allow adequate time for everyone to just get used to living with each other.”


stepparent, stepchildren, family, modern family, relationshipsA step-mom fights with her teenage stepson. via Cava/Photos

Pickhardt adds that new stepparents should avoid creating early resentment by being too demanding. They should also put their young marriage ahead of parenting duties and refrain from trying too hard to impress the children. Finally, they should be open with their new spouse about any discomfort they may feel adopting the new role.

Abby’s belief in allowing the children to decide their relationships, especially in the beginning, may be frustrating to some new stepparents who want to jump right in and create a happy family. But her advice should also be a bit of a relief. You don’t have to do it all yourself, so it’s time to listen to the child and be there for them however they choose. That, in turn, should create a deeper relationship in the long run.

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