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Friendship

3 women perfectly describe what's missing in modern friendships and how to fix it

Are you falling into the 'catch up trap'?

group of women smiling arm in arm beneath a speech bubble that says, "When can we catch up?"
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There's a way around this friendship pitfall.

As I get closer (how much closer, I'd rather not say) to my 40s, I've noticed a habit forming in my friendships. With kids, work, and family obligations, I don't have as much time as I'd like to get together with friends. So when I do, there's usually a lot to catch up on. We'll often go to drinks after I put my kids to bed and catch-up on everything we've missed in each other's lives the past few months. We'll share the ups and downs, the big updates, and do lots of venting about the things that haven't gone our way. And then, when the night's over, we wait six months and do it all over again.

It's always great to see friends, don't get me wrong. But there's a big part of me that yearns for more of the moments that made us friends to begin with, whether they're friends I sat through classes with in school or goofed around with at an old job. And now I know I'm not the only one who feel this way.

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The gals at the Life Uncut Podcast just described this phenomenon perfectly: They call it the "Catch Up Trap"

The Catch Up Trap is not a new phenomenon, but never before has it been so perfectly encapsulated. On a recent episode of the podcast, comedian Tanya Hennessy chatted with hosts Laura Byrne and Brittany Hockley about this 'trap' that they've all experienced in their adult lives.

"I was just seeing friends, and the conversation was literally just a recap. I felt like i was just recapping my life back to somebody as opposed to living it with them," Hennessy said. She noted that, too often, these recaps turn into vent sessions where friends take turns railing on and on about their problems. Too much stress and not enough laughter. "I'm bored," she says. "I'm sick of talking about myself."

The hosts agreed from their own experiences that at the end of these "catch up" hangouts, they always end up feeling somewhat dissatisfied. It's great when a friendship has such a strong foundation that it can sustain itself on these fumes for years and years, but not investing in growing the friendship with new memories and experiences ends up feeling a little hollow and exhausting after a while.

Watch the discussion here in a clip from the podcast's Instagram:

Viewers connected so deeply to the gang's frustration with modern adult friendships.

Nearly 500,000 people viewed the Reel on Instagram and commented by the dozens to shout about how the conversation made them feel so seen and understood:

"Love this chat, ‘catch up’ friendships feel more exhausting than meaningful. I want to do life with my friends!!!"

"I'm in my early thirties and I've been struggling to describe what I've been feeling for the longest time, but you've done it incredibly well. It's such a shift in friendships, and so much more noticeable when they were those friends you used to hang out with several times a week, and experience most of your life with. Now they are all in relationships, which has nothing to do with it, but I've felt we've entered this phase of friendship much more since then."

"I could not agree more!!!!!! I’m so tired of talking about my problems and sharing the hard times etc, I wanna do fun things, and make memories more"

So, if you've fallen into the catch up trap in your own relationships, how can you pull yourself out of it? What should you do instead?

In short, go do something together! Have some fun, make a new memory. Don't just sit and vent over a glass of wine, unless that's the vibe you're really craving at that moment. Just don't make it the default. There's a world of possibility at your fingertips, like bowling, seeing a new movie together, or perusing an art gallery.

"Go to the zoo or something, let's go do pottery, let's go feel something together, let's have a shared experience," Hennessy said on the show. "Do we need to do something as a shared memory to actually evolve our friendship?"

Viewers agreed that while the idea sounds simple and obvious, it makes a world of difference in the depth of your relationships.

"[My friend and I] have made a conscious effort to do things and create memories together, last night we went to a pottery class and I never have laughed so hard. It was so nice to do something different and talk about something other than life," one commenter noted.

However, it's important to remember that catching up is important too. Your friends want to know what's going on in your life, with your career, with your family. You can find other creative ways to catch up more frequently (text, call, leave voice notes) and save your precious in-person hang time for stuff that's more interesting and invigorating. Some experts have even advocated for friends to come along while you do more mundane things, too. Bring a friend grocery shopping or running errands and you can catch-up and live life together at the same time.

If it sounds like a lot more work, it just might be. But having close friendships gives us more fulfillment and purpose in our lives, and it also leads to better long-term health outcomes. It'll be worth the extra effort when those old friendships are still running strong decades later instead of petering out over time.

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Popular

Dad's heartfelt lunch message shows how simple, everyday acts can change lives

You can make a huge difference by using O Organics.

via Meg Sullivan (used with permission) and Canva/Photos

A volunteer hands out food in a food bank and Meg Sullivan shares her dad's kind gesture.

When we consider people who have had a positive impact on the world, we often think of those who have made grand gestures to improve the lives of others, such as Martin Luther King, Jr., Greta Thunberg, or Mahatma Gandhi. Unfortunately, that type of effort is out of reach for the average person.

However, O Organics would like to remind everyone that they can positively impact the world through small, consistent acts of kindness that add up over time. Much like how a small creek can create a valley over the years, we can change lives through small, consistent acts of kindness.

O Organics is dedicated to the well-being of all by nourishing people everywhere with delicious organic foods grown by producers who meet USDA-certified organic farming standards.

Upworthy's Instagram page recently posted a touching example of everyday kindness. Meg Sullivan shared how her father, Tom, peeled oranges for her lunch just about every day from kindergarten through high school. But on the final day of her senior year of high school, he sent his 17-year-old daughter unpeeled oranges with a touching note about how she’d have to start peeling them for herself.



“It’s Time Baby Girl,” he wrote on a wikiHow printout on how to peel an orange with a drawing of himself crying. For the father, this daily ritual was about more than just making lunch; it was about showing that he cared by going the extra mile. “I could have put money on her lunch account,” Tom told Today.com. “But it’s one of those little things I thought was important, that she knows somebody’s taking the time to take care of her.”

The small, daily gesture taught Megan an essential lesson in kindness.

The post reminded people how their fathers’ small acts of kindness meant so much to them. “My dad peeled my oranges until I graduated high school, too. Now, I peel my daughter’s oranges and will for the next 7 plus years,” Katie wrote in the comments. “Love this. My dad peeled mine, too. When I moved out, he gave me an orange peeler gadget,” Mary added.

o organics, albertson's giving backO Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list.via Albertson's

Did you know that every time you go to the supermarket, you can also change the world through small gestures? O Organics not only allows you to feed your family delicious and nutritious organic food, but each purchase also gives back to help people and communities facing food insecurity.

Through contributions from customers like you, O Organics donates up to 28 million meals annually. The company’s contribution is essential when, according to the USDA, 47.4 million Americans live in food-insecure households.

O Organics has a wide array of foods and flavors covering almost everything on your shopping list. “Over the years, we have made organic foods more accessible by expanding O Organics to every aisle across our stores, making it possible for health and budget-conscious families to incorporate organic food into every meal,” Jennifer Saenz, EVP and Chief Merchandising Officer at Albertsons, one of many stores where you can find O Organics products, said in a statement.

O Organics now offers over 1500 items, from dairy products such as eggs and milk to packaged meats and breakfast staples such as cereal bars, granola and oatmeal. You can also enjoy affordable organic produce with O Organics’ fresh salads and fruit.

Everybody wants to make the world a better place. With O Organics, you can feed your family healthy, organic food every time you go to the market while paying it forward by contributing to the company’s efforts to end food insecurity nationwide. That’s a small, daily gesture that can amount to incredible change.

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Parenting

Mom shares 4-part secret to making her home "the house" for her son and his friends.

Con: They eat all your food. Pro: You'll learn to know and trust the people they spend their time with.

hi.im.amywhite/Instagram

I grew up in "the house." In high school, my home was the designated place where my friends gathered, sometimes in big groups, sometimes just my small core squad. My three best friends spent the night there almost every Friday and/or Saturday night for four years straight. We devoured Totino's frozen pizzas by the dozens, inhaled soda, and laid waste to any snacks or leftovers that were brave enough to exist somewhere in the kitchen. Not only that, but my house was pretty small — four teenage boys took up a lot of space in the living room (the whole thing) and made a lot of noise playing video games deep into the night. It must have driven my parents and older brothers crazy. It's a wonder anyone put up with it.

Or, so I thought when I was younger. When I became a parent myself, I started to understand a little more why my mom and dad were so willing to host and feed me and all my friends every single weekend. Why the outrageous grocery bill and constant chaos in the house was probably a small price to pay.

One mom has perfectly encapsulated why turning her home into "the house" for her son and his friends was so valuable and exactly how she did it.


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Amy White shared a reel on Instagram showing her college-aged son hanging in her dining room with a group of friends playing cards. The text overlay reads "What makes your kids high school friends want to come over, play cards & spend the night on their College Christmas Break". I think most parents can agree that we want our kids to keep coming home as long as possible! So how exactly did White pull this off?

Her explanation in the caption was spot-on.

First, White says that you have to start early. Become "the hang out house" in high school or even earlier. Then you have a better chance of holding onto the mantle into your kid's college years.

Next, be ready to stock the house with snacks and drinks, and don't make a fuss when your kid's friends have at it. "The kids knew we had food," she writes, "BUT they also knew I didn't care what they had. They knew they could eat anything in my pantry and fridge."

Third, and this is a big one, don't mistake being the "cool house" for being "the house." Some parents choose to allow their underage kids and friends to drink alcohol under their supervision, but you don't have to bend your morals and the law to lure the squad over to your place. Pizza and Coke is plenty to keep most teens happy. "We were not the house that served alcohol or even allowed the kids to bring alcohol to our house. And Guess What?? The kids still came and wanted to hang at our house!"

Fourth, always say Yes (as often as possible, anyway) when your kids want to have friends over. "They know my answer is 99% of the time YES," White writes. "You have to have your kids take the leadership of offering your home and if your home was 'open' to their friends in high school, they know it will be 'open' to their friends in college."

As a bonus tip, White pleas with parents not to worry about the mess having friends over makes. "I love a clean house and organization, BUT I would much rather have a crazy messy house for the kids where memories are made than a quiet house with nothing going on just to keep my house 'clean.'"

White writes, "It's worth being 'the house', so let go of control & get to know your kids friends." Commenters agreed.

White's video went viral to the tune of 8.5 million views and hundreds of comments. Parents shared their own experiences of what it's like being the default hang out house.

"Our house was the high school hangout for my son and friends... every weekend... I loved it!! Miss it now that they are all college graduates and have moved away. I love seeing them when they do come home for the holidays"

"A wise man once said don't be the house with the alcohol. Be the house with the food."


Teenagers will ravage your kitchenMichael Richards Eating GIFGiphy

"Amy 1000% agree!!! My house is full of teenagers on the weekends and I love every bit of it. Even though I wake up to a kitchen that looked much different from when I left it"

"we never allowed alcohol, drugs, bad language, always respectful, and guess what, our house was always the house where the kids hung out. First my daughter, then my son. Through grade school, high school, then when my kids went out of state for college their college friends would come spend a couple weeks during the summer. I always thought of it this way, I loved knowing my kids friends and, who knows, maybe some of those kids, especially during the younger years, just maybe those kids just needed an adult to care. Anyway, it was always fun to have them here!"

"It used to crack me up when my daughter would bring over a bunch of her friends (girls and boys) in high school and instead of hanging out in the family room they all wanted to crowd into either the kitchen with me or our tiny office and happily share all the gossip with me."

Experts say that knowing your kids' friends, and their parents, can have huge benefits. Not only will it bring you the peace of mind of knowing where your kid is and who they're with when they get to those crucial high school years, it has been shown to tangibly improve kids ability to create positive relationships and problem-solve collaboratively. Plus, it can actually be really fun! Kids and teens are the funniest, silliest, most interesting people on the planet. Having a house full of them is messy and loud, but it's always a good time.

Just "Don’t feel bad if your house isn’t the chosen house," one commenter reminds us. "Just be happy your kid has a good group of friends and be thankful they have somewhere safe to hang out."

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History (Education)

Victorian woman shares what it was like to own a business for women in the 1800s

"No lady worked in those days. It was only a companion or a teacher."

Photo credit: Canva

Victorian business woman reveals what it was like in 1800s

Have you ever wondered what it was like to live in the Victorian Era? Not just wondering about the lack of technology like cell phones, air conditioner and antiperspirant but the daily life that included social norms that would be outrageous by today's standards.

There aren't any people alive today that could tell you what life was like for a woman in the 1800s. The best resources we have on life back then are oral histories repeated throughout families, first hand accounts written in journals or things documented for historians. Few videos exploring the themes of Victorian life from people old enough to have participated exist but Mrs. Florence Pannel sat down with a journalist in 1977 when she was 108-years-old to share her experience.

Mrs. Pannel wasn't just your average Victorian woman, she was someone that challenged the status quo of the time period. Instead of focusing on being a homemaker or school teacher, the woman decided business was her calling in a time where women owning businesses was unheard of. Having your ankles exposed outside of the privacy of your own home was also unheard of so the societal opinions were stacked against the young entrepreneur.

Angry Fed Up GIFGiphy

It seems that when Mrs. Pannel was younger she had a hefty dose of moxie it didn't matter what the social norms were, she was opening her own business and nobody was going to stop her.

"No lady worked in those days. It was only a companion or a teacher. She could be a hospital nurse but not private," Mrs. Pannel tells the journalist further explaining, "for women it was shockingly difficult."

The woman shares through recounting a story that women were expected to to get married and have children whether they wanted to or not. If they didn't marry they'd be considered an old maid left to live and die alone. Mrs. Pannel says these were some of the details gleaned from a story in magazine of a very young girl and the her mother. Still growing up knowing what was expected of her didn't stop her from pursuing her own business adventure.

Victorian Woman Fashion Accessories Free Stock Photo - Public ...www.publicdomainpictures.net

Women in the UK, where Mrs. Pannel is from, were allowed to open businesses on their own in 1870 when the The Married Women’s Property Act is passed. This allowed married women to legally own their own money, property, investments and inheritance but it's unclear when this extended to single women. The UK Sex Discrimination Act of 1975 is what gave all women equal standing as men allowing them the same privileges which included opening businesses without a male relative.

Mrs. Pannel was able to start her beauty business without her husband signing off, likely thanks to the Women's Property Act. She ran her shop in Paris and London becoming familiar with all the ins and outs of women's beauty and fashion. She admits that while showing ankle in England may have been scandalous, in Paris a short hemline wouldn't catch a second look.

"In Paris nothing mattered," she exclaims but then recalls a cartoon in Punch Magazine when she was around 10 that showed all the men rubbernecking at a lady showing the top of her ankles while she held her dress up to cross the street.

Mrs. Pannel owned and worked in her own shop for many years before retiring. We may never know what it was like for her to dare to go against the social norm but we sure are glad there were trailblazers like her willing to break the commonly held rules of society to normalize women as business owners.

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Health

Why 'boomer panic' is a real thing, not just generational bashing

There's a heartbreaking reason behind the problem.

via Canva/Photos

What is "boomer panic"?

In a video posted in September 2023, TikToker @myexistentialdread used the phrase “boomer panic” to explain how baby boomers (1946 to 1964) can quickly become unhinged when faced with the most minor problems. It all started when she visited a Lowe’s hardware store and encountered a boomer-aged woman working at the check-out stand.

“I had a dowel that didn’t have a price tag on it, whatever, so I ran back and took a photo of the price tag. And as I was walking back towards her, I was holding up my phone… because I had multiple dowels and that was the one that didn’t have the price tag on it,” she said in the video. “And she looks at me and she goes, ‘I don’t know which one that is,’ and she starts like, panicking.” The TikToker said that the woman was “screechy, panicking for no reason.”

Many people raised by boomers understood what she meant by "boomer panic." "Boomer panic is such a good phrase for this! Minor inconvenience straight to panic," the most popular commenter wrote. And while there was some boomer-bashing in the comments, some younger people tried to explain why the older folks have such a hard time regulating their emotions: “From conversations with my mother, they weren’t allowed to make mistakes and were harshly punished if they did.” The TikToker responded, “A lot of people mentioned this, and it breaks my heart. I think you’re right,” Myexistentialdread responded.

A follow-up video by YourTango Editor Brian Sundholm tried to explain boomer panic in an empathetic way.

“Well, it's likely that there actually was a reason the woman started panicking about a seemingly meaningless problem,” Sundholm said. “Most of us nowadays know the importance of recognizing and feeling our emotions.” Sundholm then quoted therapist Mitzi Bachman, who says that when people bottle up their emotions and refuse to express them, it can result in an "unhinged" reaction.

TikToker Gabi Day shared a similar phenomenon she noticed with her boomer mom; she called the behavior “anxiety-at-you.”

Day’s boomer mother was “reactive,” “nervous,” and “anxious” throughout her childhood. Now, she is still on edge with Day’s children. “She's immediately like gasping and just really like exaggerated physical reactions, and then, of course, that kind of startles my kid,” Day said. “Again, I know that this comes from a place of care. It's just a lot,” she continued.

@itsgabiday

It comes from a place of love but it is exhausting 🫠😬 #millennialmomsoftiktok #boomergrandma #reparenting #gentleparenting

There is a significant difference in emotional intelligence and regulation between how boomers were raised and how younger generations, such as Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z, were brought up. Boomers grew up when they had to bottle up their feelings to show their resilience. This can lead to growing anger, frustration with situations and people, chronic stress, and anxiety—all conditions that can lead to panicky, unhinged behavior.

Ultimately, Sundholm says that we should sympathize with boomers who have difficulty regulating their emotions and see it as an example of the great strides subsequent generations have made in managing their mental health. “It may seem a little harsh to call something "boomer panic," but in the context of how many of them were raised, it makes a lot of sense,” Sundholm says. “It also underlines the importance of emotional regulation skills and teaching them to future generations. And maybe most important, having compassion for those who never had a chance to learn them.”

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Pets

Depressed shelter cat turns into life of the party after moving into senior living facility

George keeps the residents on their toes with 4 AM zoomies.

Photo credit: Canva

Sad shelter cat gets a new gig at assisted living facility

Cats like dogs have been domesticated and generally thrive off of human companionship. Some might even venture to say that these animals do best when they feel like they're serving a purpose, even if that purpose is to be the foot warmer at the end of your bed. This centuries worth of domestication is the reason so many pets prefer to live amongst humans but for some, one human just won't do.

George is a 7-year-old white domestic shorthair that once called a senior living facility home but when the home closed down, the cat was out of a job. The staff at the facility that housed George brought him to a local animal shelter where he became depressed fairly quickly. Finding a home for the sad cat wan't going to be an easy feat since on top of him looking visibly depressed, he also has a rather unique look.

Many people would love an all white cat but George looks a little off. One of his ears is folded inward at the base and points forward while the other folds down and points off the the side appearing smaller than average cat ears. Couple that with his mopey face and it's a recipe for a long shelter stay.

Tired Cat GIFGiphy

But Four Footed Friends Animal Shelter in Indiana, Pennsylvania did not plan to let George stay in the shelter longer than needed. They knew the sad kitty didn't need to wait for a family to see the potential beyond his physical flaws because George needed a job. A job where he got to be the center of attention any time he walked into the room so Alex and the people at the animal shelter went on the hunt for another senior care home.

"He was definitely depressed, he was down. We had him in a kennel away from the other cats. He responded every time we walked by he gave us a little meow. He wanted attention. You could just tell he just wasn't happy about his situation," Alex tells Geobeats.

The plan quickly became to get George back to work so the shelter started telling local nursing homes about the furry companion in hopes one of them would give him a chance. After the senior living facilities found out the cat had years of previous experience that allows him to bypass meow-ientation, they were lining up to add George to their staff.

Eventually the shelter chose Forest Hills Personal Care Home and George has made himself at home. To no one's surprise, he's purr-fect at his job.

"He's not a loud cat, he's not a super playful cat, he is a comforting cat. I think that's more his speed. He's a lap cat, he's a cuddle cat and he's the kind of boy that'll be very loyal to you and follow you around. He thrives on being able to be with a lot of people," Alex explains. "He wouldn't have done well in a home with just one or two people."

The residents at the personal care home love him and give him all the attention he could ever possibly need. But once his shift is over, all the elderly residents are sound asleep and the night nurses are counting the minutes before their reprieve arrives, George lets loose. He gets the late night zoomies to get in his cardio before another long day of caring for his residents. It sure is hard being a working cat sometimes but somehow George manages to do it without bending a whisker.

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Joy

Devastated coffee shop owner makes teary video that has New Yorkers showing up in droves

Even Joe Jonas showed up to support her.

@its.rachel.rose/TikTok

This is why we support small businesses.

With only a few grand to their name, along with a ton of hard work and grit, Rachel Nieves and her now husband Taylor Nawrocki built their business, Buddies Coffee, completely from scratch.

What began as a simple coffee cart grew into a brick-and-mortar cafe on 150 Grand St. in Williamsburg, which is a historically Puerto Rican neighborhood (though you wouldn’t be able to tell that today). Still, Buddies aims to honor Puerto Rican culture and build community by serving quesitos and a special coquito latté—which is the cafe’s claim to fame.

However, inflation and gentrification have recently caused this American Dream to be in jeopardy. As Nieves shared in an incredibly emotional video posted to TikTok, raised rent prices, in addition to another more mainstream coffee shop opening up next door, made staying in business seem impossible.

Through tears, Nieves can be heard saying “It just feels like you just can’t win, like the small people can’t win.” Still, she concluded her video by saying she would “continue to work hard,” that "she's not going anywhere,” and she’s going to "continue to inspire people.”

@its.rachel.rose Happy start to women’s history months I guess ! 😘 Hearing this news today just now completely broke me. As a self funded small like true mom and pop business this news is scary - I’ve never tried to nor want to “compete” with anyone. If you know me you know I truly don’t see anyone as a competitor- however, knowing someone -whoever they are is planning on opening literally next door not down the block across the street around the corner. I cannot deny it will crush me. I’m hopeful we will make the most out of these next 6-7 months in this space and I just know God was holding my hand when I decided to sign a lease in the city (with hopes and dreams of having two shops) I will continue to remain delusional always I will always work hard show up for myself and show up for others. I promised myself If I was to make content I will be completely myself - nothing curated just raw and here I am 😘 #coffee #dayinmylife #coffeetiktoklovers #badbunny #brooklyn #buddiescoffee #coffeenyc #nyc #ditl #coffeetok #womenownedbusiness ♬ original sound - Rachel

And boy, Nieves did just that. Not only did over 6 million people tune into her heartfelt video, but pretty soon New Yorkers began showing up in droves to her shop. TikTok was TikTokking in the best way, because customers began sharing videos of their own visits—many showing lines going around the block—which only encouraged more to stop by.

Buddies even got support from Joe Jonas, who commented “you are awesome. I’m coming to support.” True to his word, showed up the very next day and urged others to “be a buddy.”

@joejonas Good day to show Buddies Cafe some love! Shop online or head to the store at 150 Grand Street in Williamsburg ❤️ @Rachel ♬ original sound - joejonas

For Nieves, creating Buddies was just as much about maintaining a Puerto Rican identity in Brooklyn as it was about starting an income stream. Born and raised in New York, Nieves has seen much of her city change, including the closing of businesses she “holds close to her heart.” In their place were new establishments that felt like they weren’t for her or other locals.

To make her dream a reality, Nieves started small, selling her coffee, which she roasts herself, in a 150 square foot space. This was a different approach than she was seeing from other coffee shops, who seem to prioritize aesthetics over customer service and product quality.

At the time of starting Buddies, Nieves also couldn’t find any female coffee roasters in New York, which only future fueled her mission to show what’s possible. All this to say—losing her business would be about so much more than losing money. And conversely, the support she has received matters much more, too.

@its.rachel.rose I really love making these little voice overs for you all - I won’t give up lol I just have a few more days to put this out there 🗣️ 😭💕@Bad Bunny #buddiescoffee #coffeenyc #brooklyn #coffeetok #coffee #dtmf #dayinmylife #womenownedbusiness #nyc #coffeetiktok #quesitos #imjustagirl ♬ original sound - Rachel

Because of her newfound viral fame, Nieves has been not only able to sell within her neighborhood, but throughout the country as well, thanks to online orders. Understandably, she has been immensely grateful for the overwhelmingly positive response.

Furthermore, in a follow-up video on Wednesday, Nieves shared the insight that "vulnerability is power.” And certainly, her story is the proof in the pudding. In being open about her struggles, she inspired positive action. Now, more than ever, we need to remember humanity’s power to manifest good things together, when we truly connect.

If you are not in the area, and would like to support Buddies, you can buy your own bag of coffee here. As for me, I could be persuaded to make a quick trip to New York for a delicious coquito latté…

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