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“A balm for the soul”
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Family

A letter to the woman who told me to stay in my daughter's life after seeing my skin.

'I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men like me who love fatherhood.'

parenting, father’s day, respect, fairness
Doyin Richards

Dad and daughters take a walk through Disneyland.

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Fathers Everywhere

To a stranger I met at a coffee shop a few years ago who introduced me to what my life as a parent would be like:

My "welcome to black fatherhood moment" happened five years ago, and I remember it like it happened yesterday.

I doubt you'll remember it, though — so let me refresh your memory.


It was a beautiful Saturday morning in Los Angeles in 2011, and I decided to walk my then 3-month-old daughter to the corner Starbucks. That's when I met you — a stylish older white woman who happened to be ahead of me in line.

You were very friendly and offered up many compliments about how cute my daughter was, and I agreed wholeheartedly with you. She's cute.

But after you picked up your drink, you delivered this parting shot:

"No offense, but it's not often that I see black guys out with their kids, but it's such a wonderful thing," she said. "No matter what happens, I hope you stay involved in her life."

And then you put on your designer sunglasses and left.

Meanwhile, I was like...

celebrity, racism, challenges, stigmas

That was unexpected.

GIF from "Live with Kelly and Michael."

Here's the thing: I'm not angry with you, but I want you to understand the impact you had on my life.

Do I think you're a mean-spirited racist? No, I don't. Actually, I bet you're a really nice lady.

But let's be real for a second: Your view on black dads was tough for me to stomach, and I want you to know a few things about what it's really like to be me.

1. I want you to know that we have challenges that other dads don't experience.

I know what you're thinking: "Oh boy — let me brace myself while he 'blacksplains' how hard his life is while shaming me for ignoring my white privilege."

But that would be missing the point. We all have our challenges in life, and I'm not about to bring a big bottle of whine to a pity party.

Instead, as you probably know, today's dads are trying to shed the stigma of being clueless buffoons.

nurture, unicorn, mainstream media

Kid, you're gonna love this! Wheeeee ... uh oh.

Image from Giphy.

But black dads have an additional obstacle to hurdle in that we're often seen as completely disinterested in fatherhood. Trust me, it gets old when people automatically assume you're not good at something because of the color of your skin.

Our encounter was the first of many examples of this that I've witnessed, directly or indirectly, in my five and a half years of fatherhood, and I'm sure there will be more to come.

2. I want you to know that I'm not a shiny unicorn. There are plenty of black men just like me who love fatherhood.

During the months that followed our brief meeting, I felt a need to prove that you — a complete stranger — were wrong. I needed to prove there were plenty of black men just like me who loved being dads.

I knew a lot of these great men personally: My dad, my two brothers, and many others embraced fatherhood. But could any data back up how much black dads embraced fatherhood? Because the examples in mainstream media were few and far between.

Thankfully, the answer is yes.

A few years after I met you, a study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention showed that 70% of black dads are likely to engage in common child-rearing activities such as diaper changing, bathing, toilet training, etc., on a daily basis. That's a higher percentage than white or Hispanic fathers.

Full stop.

This isn't about black dads being "the best" because parenthood isn't a competition. It's about showing that we're not even remotely as bad as society makes us out to be.

And outside of the CDC study, I saw firsthand how hands-on black dads are when I was thrust into the public eye, too, because a lot of them reached out to me to tell their stories.

We nurture our kids.

dads, social norms, ethnicity, privilege

Getting close to the twins.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

We're affectionate with our kids.

fatherhood, children, family, parenting

Love is universal.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And we do whatever our kids need us to do.

equality, community, gender roles

Dad takes a deserved nap.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

And none of that should come as a surprise to anyone.

3. I want you to know that I believe you meant well when you praised me for being involved in my daughter's life, but that's what I'm programmed to do.

Disneyland, fathers, daughters, ethnicity

Princess dresses at Disneyland? You bet.

Photo taken from the Daddy Doin' Work Instagram feed and used with permission.

I will always be there for her and her baby sister.

Even though I just described how black dads are different from many dads, I hope the takeaway you have from this is that we have a lot of similarities, too.

Please don't fall into the trap of saying that you want to live in a colorblind world because it makes it harder to identify with inequality when it happens. Instead, I hope you can recognize that we have the same hopes, dreams, and fears as other parents, but the roads we travel may not be the same.

And no, I don't want an apology.

But I hope when you pick up your next latte and see a dad who looks like me that you'll smile knowing he's the rule rather than the exception.


This article originally appeared on 06.15.16

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Cycle for Survival
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How can riding a bike help beat cancer? Just ask Reid Moritz, 10-year-old survivor and leader of his own “wolfpack”

Every year, Reid and his pack participate in Cycle for Survival to help raise money for the rare cancer research that’s helped him and so many others. You can too.

all photos courtesy of Reid Moritz

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research

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There are many things that ten-year-old Reid Wolf Moritz loves. His family, making watches (yes, really), basketball, cars (especially Ferraris), collecting super, ultra-rare Pokémon cards…and putting the pedal to the medal at Cycle for Survival.

Cycle for Survival is the official rare cancer fundraising program of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). One hundred percent of every dollar raised at Cycle for Survival events supports rare cancer research and lifesaving clinical trials at MSK.

At only two years old, Reid was diagnosed with pilocytic astrocytoma, a rare type of brain tumor.

Pediatric cancer research is severely underfunded. When standard treatments don't work, families rely on breakthrough clinical trials to give their children a real shot at long-term survival.

When Reid’s chemotherapy and brain surgery didn’t work, he was able to participate in one of MSK’s clinical trials, where he’s received some incredible results. “Memorial Sloan Kettering has done so much for me. It's just so nice how they did all this for me. They're just the best hospital ever,” Reid recalls.

And that’s why every year, you’ll find Reid with his team, aptly named Reid's Wolfpack, riding at Cycle for Survival. It’s just Reid’s way of paying it forward so that even more kids can have similar opportunities.

“I love sharing my story to inspire other kids to PERSEVERE, STAY STRONG and NEVER GIVE UP while also raising money for my amazing doctors and researchers to help other kids like me.”

Reid remembers the joy felt bouncing on his father’s shoulder and hearing the crowd cheer during his first Cycle for Survival ride. As he can attest, each fundraising event feels more like a party, with plenty of dancing, singing and celebrating.

Hoping to spread more of that positivity, Reid and his family started the Cycle for Survival team, Reid’s Wolfpack, which has raised close to $750,000 over the past eight years. All that money goes directly to Reid’s Neuro-Oncology team at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

In addition to cheering on participants and raising good vibes at Cycle for Survival events, Reid even designs some pretty epic looking merch—like basketball shorts, jerseys, and hoodies—to help raise money.

If you’re looking to help kids just like Reid, and have a ton of fun doing it, you’re in luck. Cycle for Survival events are held at Equinox locations nationwide, and welcome experienced riders and complete newbies alike. You can even join Reid and his Wolfpack in select cities!

And if cycling in any form isn’t your thing, a little donation really does go a long way.

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research. Find out more information by checking out cycleforsurvival.org or filling out this interest form.

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Innovation

A student accidentally created a rechargeable battery that could last 400 years

"This thing has been cycling 10,000 cycles and it’s still going." ⚡️⚡️

Steve Zylius/University of California, Irvine.

There's an old saying that luck happens when preparation meets opportunity.

There's no better example of that than a 2016 discovery at the University of California, Irvine, by doctoral student Mya Le Thai. After playing around in the lab, she made a discovery that could lead to a rechargeable battery that could last up to 400 years. That means longer-lasting laptops and smartphones and fewer lithium ion batteries piling up in landfills.

A team of researchers at UCI had been experimenting with nanowires for potential use in batteries, but found that over time the thin, fragile wires would break down and crack after too many charging cycles. A charge cycle is when a battery goes from completely full to completely empty and back to full again.

But one day, on a whim, Thai coated a set of gold nanowires in manganese dioxide and a Plexiglas-like electrolyte gel.

"She started to cycle these gel capacitors, and that's when we got the surprise," said Reginald Penner, chair of the university's chemistry department. "She said, 'this thing has been cycling 10,000 cycles and it's still going.' She came back a few days later and said 'it's been cycling for 30,000 cycles.' That kept going on for a month."

This discovery is mind-blowing because the average laptop battery lasts 300 to 500 charge cycles. The nanobattery developed at UCI made it though 200,000 cycles in three months. That would extend the life of the average laptop battery by about 400 years. The rest of the device would have probably gone kaput decades before the battery, but the implications for a battery that that lasts hundreds of years are pretty startling.

Batteries being recycled at WRWA, London. Nov ‘21Photo by John Cameron on Unsplash

"The big picture is that there may be a very simple way to stabilize nanowires of the type that we studied," Penner said. "If this turns out to be generally true, it would be a great advance for the community." Not bad for just fooling around in the laboratory.


This article originally appeared two years ago.

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Michelle Yeoh discusses overcoming the 'huge sadness' felt by not being able to have kids

A refreshing and poignant perspective on a topic not many talk about—but so many can relate to.

European Union, 2024/Wikipedia, Photo credit: Canva

"You come to a point where you have to stop blaming you."

Anyone that’s tried and failed to become pregnant could tell you that there’s a definitive mourning period that comes with an infertility journey—one that can and often involves guilt at not being able to conceive. Even if a woman logically understands that this was purely something out of her control (cue feelings of powerlessness), the pressures of societal and familial expectations alone are enough for her to start blaming herself.

But, as with all forms of grief, time offers fresh perspective.

Recently, actress Michelle Yeoh opened up about her own infertility struggles, and the difficult feelings that arose as a result. Her candid and vulnerable words are making so many women who have had similar experiences feel seen—not to mention hopeful.

In two separate interview—one with BBC’s Woman’s Hour and the other with The Times—the Oscar winner revealed that she had always wanted to start a family. It was a dream shared by her first husband Sir Dickson Poon. Yeoh had even retired from her budding acting career in order to make this dream a reality.

And yet, that dream would go on unrealized, even after trying a fertility treatment.

"And I think the worst moment to go through is every month you feel like such a failure," she told BBC.

Poon wanting kids and Yeoh not being able to get pregnant eventually became the major factor leading to their amicable divorce. While Yeoh commended the “bravery” they had to make such a hard decision, she still told the Times that it remains the “biggest sadness” in her life.

But, even while holding onto that sadness, Yeoh committed to giving other aspects of her life her “ 110 percent,” which she said enabled her to live without regrets. And no one would argue that, with a highly successful career spanning over three decades and an Oscar at 62, she didn’t give it her all.

Plus, Yeoh has been able to appreciate the “beauty” of her six godchildren (one of them being Poon’s daughter), her many nephews and nieces, and even a baby grandchild from her stepson. Yeoh had recently remarried to Jean Todt after a 19-year engagement. So plenty of blessings still to be had.

"I did everything to make it work, and sometimes even that is not enough, you have to be able..." she said while apparently raising her arms with her fists balled. "In life we say, you have to not go around holding your hands like this, you have to learn to let go, and sometimes letting go helps you move forward."

As for feelings of guilt, she told the BBC, “I think at some point you stop blaming yourself. I go, there are certain things in your body that don't function in a certain way. That's how it is.

"You just have to let go and move on. And I think you come to a point where you have to stop blaming you."

This last point struck a major chord with other women who’ve had similar challenges.

“Thank you for this interview. I think because society pushes us to try harder, do more, and look on the bright side of things, we learn not to have compassion for ourselves on the things we have no control over. ❤️”

“As someone who wanted children, but ended up not getting them.. it is just beautiful to hear the words from someone else's mouth. I always admired Michelle Yeoh and this just amplifies the love I feel for her ❤️”

“It is so refreshing, and so necessary, to hear this topic being spoken about with such honesty and clarity 👏👏 Permanent childlessness is, for many, such a huge thing to face either as a couple or solo, and yet remains a largely hidden experience. It definitely needs to be talked about more and it is wonderful to see the conversations beginning to appear in places like this, with brilliant people like this 😍”

“You're not a failure because you were not able to have children❤️ I had to have a hysterectomy at 32 and even though it caused me, I had to accept that not everyone gets to be a mom. Now I have love for everyone in my life to share❤️”

“Thank you Michelle for sharing your story. This is my story almost exactly. I’m 57 and the pain still shows up in me sometimes.”

Hopefully any other woman going through this kind of challenge finds this today and remembers to give themselves a little self compassion.

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Millennial dad of 3 shuts down boomer parents for their 'ridiculous' holiday expectations

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

via Canva/Photos

A Millennial dad has had it with his boomer dad's expectations.

A TikTok video posted by @carrerasfam is going viral, with over 300,000 views, because so many millennial parents can relate. In the video, a husband politely but firmly tells his “practically retired” baby boomer dad that he’s not taking his 3 young kids on a 400-mile drive to their house for the holidays.

Carerras Fam is a popular TikTok page about “all things postpartum and mamahood.” The husband opens the conversation with his dad by explaining all the inconveniences of taking 3 young kids on a long road trip. “I know you want us to drive down for the holidays, but it's kinda ridiculous that you want me to pack my 3 kids with their portable beds with my clothes, their clothes, the formula, everything that goes on with raising 3 kids and having them feel comfortable. Drive down for over four hours just so that we could spend some time in your house?” the husband says.

@carrerasfam

Sorry it’s just so much work. But you’re welcome to visit us #millennial #millennials #parents #parenting #parentsontiktok #boomers #millennials

It’s obviously inconvenient for the couple to pack up their kids and drive 4 hours, but it’s also unsafe because the house is not baby-proof. "I'm gonna have to run around, make sure that they don't break any of your stuff, and which you will take care of them,” the husband continues using sarcastic air quotes.

The dad brings up another great point: His parents are in good health, so why don’t they drive to their house? “You could visit. You don't have little kids,” the dad continues. “You don't have anything going on.

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

It’s clear from the phone call the dad understands that traveling with the kids and staying in a house that isn’t correctly set up for young kids will make the holiday a struggle. Instead of making memories, they’ll most likely be running around bent over trying to save their kids from breaking something or hanging out at Target buying electrical socket plugs and a bottle brush because they left theirs at home.



The video struck a chord with many millennial parents.

“First holiday with a kid… parents are confused why I won’t drive 9 hours with a 3mnth old for Christmas,” too_many_catz writes. “The ‘not baby proofed’ part hit my soullllllll. It’s so stressful having to chase your kids around and ask to close doors, move pictures, block stairs, etc. And nobody takes you seriously!" OhHeyItsIndy added.

It’s also expensive for young families to travel. “Add to it they want us to spend money on gas, airfare, etc. when we live paycheck to paycheck and rent while they own homes and live comfortably off a pension,” another user wrote.

This one hit hard: “They always act like you're asking the world of them, yet they will willingly go on any other vacation that they choose,” Mackenzie Byrne wrote.

TX Travel Chick may have hit the nail on the head with her explanation for why boomer parents expect their children to road trip it to their house for the holidays. “Because we are used to following their orders!!! REVOLT,” she wrote.

Ultimately, it would be interesting to learn why boomer parents want to inconvenience their kids when it would be much easier for them to take a trip to see them, especially if they can afford a hotel. One wonders if they are being entitled or if they’ve forgotten how hard it is to travel with young kids.

Powerful Tweet reveals a harsh truth Girl Dads don't want to admit

Whether you intimidate boyfriends or set hard curfews, we're all afraid of the same thing.

Unsplash

Fathers on all sides of the political spectrum share at least one thing in common: We're protective of our little girls. Yes, the 'shotgun-wielding dad' who intimidates gentlemen callers is an old cliche, but even though his methods may be a little outdated, his heart is usually in the right place.

We know that, fair or not, the world is more dangerous for daughters than it is for our sons. And it's not just dads! Uncles, big brothers, family friends. They all make sure to keep an extra watchful eye on the young girls of the family.

What we need to talk about more out loud is what, exactly, we're so afraid of.

To that end, a recent viral post on X brilliantly pointed out the truth.

"One time years ago I said 'men are trash' and my dad got really annoyed by it. my mum had to stop and ask him 'when you're warning her not to be out late, to be careful, telling her that it's not safe etc who are you warning her about? not women'"

Holy cow, what a mic drop.

There's been a growing sentiment online that wonders if we've been 'too mean' to men.

First, there was the #MeToo movement, which gained steam in around 2017. It was a time when staggering numbers of women felt empowered to come forward with stories of sexual assault, harassment, and more.

Quickly, "good guys" spoke up to reassure the world that "Not all men are bad!"

#NotAllMen, almost instantly, became a hashtag used to mock people who were dismissive of women's concerns about the state of, well, men.

In 2024, conversations about the male loneliness epidemic have taken centerstage. Ideas that men have been disenfranchised to the point of radicalization. That they've been forgotten about in a society that pushes for progress for every other group but them.

In short, "Stop being so mean to men!'

The post from user mariaalcoptia beautifully illustrates the hypocrisy at play: Even men know that men are dangerous!

Maria's reply was in response to another post that explained the phenomenon even further:

"I don’t think men have heard what fathers tell their daughters about men. Nobody hates men more, nobody is a bigger misandrist than fathers who actually love their daughters. All they do is slander their fellow men to their daughters from morning to night," wrote user sugabelly.

"Girl Dads hate men."

As a progressive-minded and, at least I'd like to think, solid guy, even I get bummed out about the bombardment of "men are terrible" messaging I see anytime I'm online.

It's hard not to get defensive, and to resist the urge to shout "Not all of us!"

But deep down we know it's true. There are huge problems with men and masculinity in our country that are making it a worse place for everyone else.

It's why we interrogate potential boyfriends and teach our daughters crotch kicks and how to throw a punch, and why we want to know where they're going and who they're with and when they'll be back.

(And it's why we aren't nearly as protective of our boys.)

It's not because of the bogeyman. It's because of other men.

The sooner we can put our feelings aside and all admit that, the sooner we can get to work on making things better.

Being as thoughtful about how we raise our sons as we are about protecting daughters would be a good place to start!

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After a teacher left an 11-year-old girl a crushing note, people respond with stories of triumph

"Will never happen. Sorry."

Photo credit: Canva

Teacher leaves awful note on child's assignment people respond

Teachers are supposed to foster a nurturing environment that encourages learning and growth. It is not an easy feat being a teacher, you're not only charged with teaching a classroom full of children but managing classroom behaviors while also ensuring students are comfortable enough to confide in you when needed. The role of an educator carries a lot of weight with one of the biggest ones being shaping future leaders, but not all teachers are created equal.

Some teachers either don't realize the impact they have on students or entered into the profession for reasons outside of desire to help students succeed. When this happens, a child's spirit can be crushed beyond repair if they don't have others around them to reinforce positive things about them. One mom found herself aghast at the note her elementary school child received on a graded assignment.

There isn't much context to the photo other than a short description that reads, "My 11 year old daughters teacher wrote this comment on her homework. I'm absolutely flabbergasted and angry. This after my daughter just competed in gymnastics nationals a month ago."

girl in orange long sleeve shirt writing on white paper Photo by Jason Sung on Unsplash

The photo contains a snippet of the graded homework assignment where the little girl answered the prompt "my hopes and dreams" with her aspirations of becoming an Olympic gymnast. The girl also included that she wanted to be a "perfect gymnast," which could be what the teacher was responding to but there's no way to make that determination from the feedback on the assignment, which only reads, "will never happen sorry."

But there does appear to be a line of some sort drawn from the sentence about becoming a perfect gymnast so maybe there was a misunderstanding. Things aren't always conveyed correctly in short written text but that didn't stop people from jumping to the girl's defense and sharing their own stories of being told they couldn't do something only to excel at it later.

One person writes in part, "When I was in first grade, my teacher told me multiple times that I was bad at math. I believed her because I was six. I believed that until the last part of college, when I finally HAD to take calculus for my major and I had put it off until my senior year. Professor for Calculus 2 asked me to be a math major… turns out I have a mind for math. I hope the girl in the post wins Olympic gold."

A woman pleads with the mom to take the issue up with the principal, "Please do this for me - back in the 80's a teacher told me I couldn't take a certain programming class because "girls don't need to take programming classes" - he wanted to keep his little boys club intact - no girls allowed! I'm a Database Manager (going on 20 years) now for a large company. My father just signed me up at the local community college to take the programming class."

cady heron math GIFGiphy

Someone else shares their triumph story, "When I was in high school a teacher told me I should drop mathematics in favour of mathematical literacy (the easier math) because I wasn't good at math and I'd never be able to become an engineer or any other related field that needed math. Another math teacher told me to ignore that advice and that if I worked hard and put my mind to it I'd be able to overcome what I find difficult and eventually it will just click. It would take hard work and I'd probably hate it, but I'd get there.

If I had listened to the first teacher I wouldn't be where I am today..literally lecturing complex mathematical concepts to university students. Those 2 years teaching kids I did everything possible to be like the teacher that encouraged me to go further, so that hopefully some of the kids I taught will realise[sic] their full potential like I did."

Calculate Figure It Out GIFGiphy

Another person says, "I broke my arm in high school and was getting my strength back. My max for bench at 1 point was 115 because my arm couldn’t support the weight. I told my weights coach my goal was 250 by my Jr year. I was a freshmen at the time. He said ya you’ll never get there. I hit 280 on my PR and ended up finishing my Jr year in the 1000lbs club for Squats, Cleans, and Bench. After every rep I’d say 'F**k you Mr. McKenna.'"

While some commenters question the validity of the note written on the homework assignment, people overwhelmingly support the girl by showing comments like these from educators far more common than people would like to think. Hopefully the child gets a chance to read all the triumphant notes left by others and goes on to win a gold medal at the Olympics one day.

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