upworthy
Popular

6 alternatives to saying 'let me know if you need anything' to someone in crisis

If someone is drowning, you don't wait for them to ask for help. You just take action.

woman crying with her hand on a rainy window

People going through major struggles don't always know what they need or how to ask for help.

When we see someone dealing with the loss of a loved one or some other major life crisis, it's instinctual for many of us to ask how we can help. Often, the conversation looks something like this:

Us: I am SO sorry you're going through this. What can I do to help?

Person in crisis: I honestly don't know right now.

Us: Okay…well…you let me know if you need anything—anything at all.

Person in crisis: Okay, thank you.

Us: I mean it. Don't hesitate to ask. I'm happy to help with whatever you need.

And then…crickets. The person never reaches out to take you up on the offer.

Was it that they didn't really need any help, this person going through a major life crisis? Unlikely. As sincere as our offer may have been, the problem may be that we didn't really offer them what they actually needed.

One of those needs is to not have to make decisions. Another is to not have to directly ask for help.

When a person is in a state of crisis, they can feel like they're drowning. They might be disoriented and fatigued, and doing anything other than keeping their head above water long enough to breathe can feel like too much.

If someone is drowning, you don't ask them what you can do to help or wait for them to ask. Youjust take action.

Here are some specific ways you can take action to help someone who you know needs help but isn't able or willing to ask for it:

1. Make them food

It may be tempting to ask if you can make them a meal and wait for them to say yes or no, but don't. Simply ask if they or anyone in their household has any dietary restrictions, and then start shopping and cooking.

Meals that can be popped in the refrigerator or freezer and then directly into the oven or microwave are going to be your best bets. Include cooking or reheating instructions if it's not obvious. Disposable aluminum trays are great for homemade freezer-to-oven meals and can be found at just about any grocery store. Casseroles. Stir fried rices. Soups. Comfort foods.

If you don't cook, you can buy them gift cards to local restaurants that deliver, or give them a DoorDash or UberEats gift certificate (large enough to cover the delivery, service fees and tip as well, which combined can be as much as a meal sometimes).

lasagna in the oven

Easy-prep meals people can throw in the oven are great.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Even better—organize a meal train

If you want to make it a community-wide effort and no one else has done so yet, set up a "meal train," where different people sign up for different days to bring meals to spread out the food help over time. There are several free websites you can use for this purpose, including Give In Kind, Meal Train, and Take Them a Meal. These sites make it super easy for anyone with the personalized link to sign up for a meal.

someone scrubbing a pot in a kitchen sink

There are always dishes to wash.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

2. Clean their kitchen and/or bathrooms

Kitchens are always in use, and keeping up with dishes, especially in a house full of people, is a challenge even under normal circumstances. Same with keeping the refrigerator cleaned out. Same with cleaning the bathroom.

Rather than asking if they want it done, as many people won't want to say yes even if they would appreciate the help, try saying something like, "I want to come and make sure your kitchen is ready for you to make food whenever you want to and that your bathroom is a clean space for you to escape to whenever you feel like it. Is Tuesday or Wednesday at 1:00 better for you?"

The fewer complex decisions a person in crisis has to make the better, so saying, "Is this or that better?" rather than offering open-ended possibilities can be helpful.

woman folding clothes

There is always laundry to fold, too.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

3. Do laundry

Offer to sit and chat with them, let them vent if they need to…and fold their laundry while you're at it.

Are they the kind of people who might be embarrassed by you seeing or handling their underclothes? Fine. Wash, dry and fold towels or bedsheets instead. Just keep the laundry moving for them.

And if it doesn't feel appropriate or desirable for you to do their laundry at their house, you can offer a pick-up laundry service, either yourself or an actual hired service. Tell the person to put bags or bins of laundry at the door and you (or the service) will come pick it up and bring it back clean and folded the next day. That's a great way to be of service without feeling like you're intruding.

man pulling food and toilet paper out of the car

Offer to pick stuff up when you're on a grocery run.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

4. Run errands for them

"Hey, I'm heading out to the store, what can I grab you while I'm there?" is always a welcome phone call or text. Let them know when you're going to be running your own errands and see if there's anything they need dropped at the post office, picked up from the pharmacy, or anything else.

You can also offer to run errands with them. "Hey, I've got some errands to run. Do you want to join me?" They may have no desire to leave the house, or they may desperately want to leave the house, so be prepared for either answer, but the offer is solid. Even just not having to drive might be a relief if they have things they need to pick up or drop off places.

woman holding hands with a small child as they walk

Caring for someone's kids is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

5. Provide childcare

If the person is a parent, taking their kid(s) out for a chunk of the day can be a big help. Caring for yourself is hard when you're going through a difficult time, and the energy a person might use to actually do that often gets usurped by caring for others. Obviously, parents can't just neglect their children, so anything you can do to relieve them of that responsibility for a while is gold.

Offering to take the kids to do something fun—a day at the park, ice skating, etc. is even better. A parent knowing their kid is safe, occupied, and happy is its own form of relief.

6. Ask what they're struggling with and focus your help there

While all of these practical household things are helpful, there might be some people who find comfort or solace in doing those things themselves. If that's the case, talk with them about what their immediate needs are and what they're having a hard time dealing with. Then focus your energies there. "What can I do to help?" may not be as effective a question as "What are you having a hard time doing right now?" They may not know what kind of help they need, but they probably know how they're struggling.

One person might be lonely and just want some company. Another person might need a creative outlet or a mindless distraction or something physical like going for a walk or a hike. Someone else might have pets they need help caring for, a garden that needs tending, or the oil changed in their car. Someone might even need a person to serve as a shield or buffer between them and all the people coming to offer their condolences.

Note that many of these things are basic life maintenance stuff—those are often the things that get hard for people when they're dealing with the emotional and logistical stuff surrounding whatever they're going through, and they're often the easiest things other people can do for them. A time of crisis is not a normal time, so normal etiquette, such as asking if you can or should do something rather than just letting them know you're going to do it, doesn't always apply.

If there's a specific thing with specific tasks, such as planning a funeral, that might be a good opportunity to ask how you can help. But people deep in the throes of grief or struggle often need someone to take the reins on basic things without being asked to. Again, there's a good chance they feel like they're drowning, so don't wait for an invitation. Just grab the life preserver, put it around them and do whatever needs to be done to get them to shore.

Note: This advice is especially relevant now as Californians struggle with the Wildfire Crisis. In light of many losing their homes, possessions, and loved ones, knowing how to help and what to do might be even more difficult. Check out our Community Resource Guide for ways to offer aid and relief to those impacted.


This article originally appeared last year.

Education

Unearthed BBC interview features two Victorian-era women discussing being teens in the 1800s

Frances 'Effy' Jones, one of the first women to be trained to use a typewriter and to take up cycling as a hobby, recalls life as a young working woman in London.

Two Victorian women discuss being teens in the 1800s.

There remains some mystery around what life was like in the 1800s, especially for teens. As time marches on, we're moving further and further away from the Victorian era and what life was like for the people living through it. Thankfully, though, relics have survived that are not just historical treasures, but connections our human family now since passed. In this rediscovered 1970s clip from the BBC, two elderly women reminisce about what it was like being teenagers during a time when the horse and buggy was still the fastest way to get around.

While cars were just around the corner from being the common mode of transportation toward the end of the 19th century, it's pretty wild to imagine what these women experienced. Frances "Effy" Jones explained how, at age 17, she was encouraged by her brother to check out this new machine in a storefront window. Turns out that machine was a typewriter and, after being trained on how to use it, Jones would sit in the store window typing while people outside gathered to watch. Before long, classes began popping up for women to learn how to use a typewriter, starting a new movement for women of that era.

The second woman, Berta Ruck, told the BBC that she would get into a bit of trouble at boarding school for drawing instead of completing school work. This talent took Ruck to art school in London where she rode buses around town, attempting to avoid mud getting on her long skirt. But Ruck explained that it never worked and she would spend hours brushing the mud from her skirt before wearing it out again. I'm sure you're thinking, buses? They weren't the buses we would see nowadays. These were double-decker horse-pulled carriages. It may be hard to imagine, but life was just as vibrant and bustling then as it is now. Check out the video below to learn more:


This article originally appeared three years ago.

Reusable/Instagram

Would you use this?

Over 1 billion people worldwide drink coffee every day. That's about 12.6% of the world's population. And of course, there are a bajillion different ways people conjure up their cup of joe, but many opt for swinging by their local café. Problem is, those single-use cups, as we know, create a ton of waste.

Many heavy hitter coffee companies like Starbucks and McDonald’s have made attempts to tackle this issue by incentivizing customers to use reusable cups in exchange for a discount, but one city has a different approach…and it seems to be making a big impact.

One year ago, Aarhus, Denmark’s second-largest city, launched a three-year, first-of-its-kind trial project, where customers can return their reusable coffee cups to automated deposit machines placed throughout town and in return they'll receive a €70-cent rebate back to their debit card.

Once those to-go cups are returned, they’re transported to the TOMRA cleaning/recycling facility, and, barring any damage, will be sent back to participating cafés. According to Euro News, 45 different businesses signed up for the innovative program.

"All of us, we want to have some kind of impact on the amount of trash that's lying around and especially us coffee shops,” said Joe Hougaard, a manager for one of the participating shops.

This scheme is similar to methods introduced by other European countries like Romania, Denmark, and Belgium, which involve deposit systems for returning plastic or glass bottles and cans in exchange for a small refund. However, those machines are only located within supermarkets. The Aarhus system, however, is open air, meaning the machines are located on main shopping streets with a lot of through traffic.

As reported by Daniela De Lorenzo, the project wasn’t an overnight success. Over the initial few weeks after the launch, the return rate was only around 25 per cent, and unfortunately a return rate of 82 per cent would be needed in order for the reusable cups to actually be a better alternative.


However, things turned around in September 2024, when the city held a week-long festival and the reusable cups were exclusively offered. “Many more citizens were exposed to them and around 100,000 cups were returned, an amount which would have filled 1,200 trash bins,” she wrote.

This became a catalyst for change, one that Simon Smedegaard Rossau, project manager for circular packaging at Aarhus Municipality, signaled a noticeable “shift in behavior.”

“We see people going with bags full of cups, which means they recycle in bulk, like for cans and bottles. Now we can see the return rate is 88 per cent, which means a cup is reused 44 times.”

We are only in year one of a three year trial period, but if things continue like this, there are plans to extend the program to plates, pizza boxes and more throughout the city. All of which could be promising for other cities looking for more sustainable systems.

As Tove Andersen, TOMRA CEO, said in a press release, "Aarhus shows the way to one more sustainable future, and we hope that many more cities will be inspired to do the same.”

Pop Culture

'Wheel of Fortune' fans left shocked after contestant wins $50,000 solving impossible puzzle

“How in the world did you solve that last one?” asked host Ryan Seacrest.

Wheel of Fortune/Youtube

That was quite impressive.

Listen, while we all love a hilarious Wheel of Fortune fail, watching an epic win can be just as entertaining. And that’s exactly what recently happened on The Wheel when a contestant named Traci Demus-Gamble made a winning puzzle solve so out-of-nowhere that it made host Ryan Seacrest jokingly check her for a hidden earpiece.

In a clip posted to the show’s YouTube account Friday, Jan. 17, Demus-Gamble waved to her husband who was standing on the sidelines before going up to the stage for her next challenge: guess a four-word “phrase.”

Demus-Gamble wasn’t off to a great start, as only two of her given letters (“T” and “E”) made it to the board. And the odds didn’t improve much after Demus-Gamble, admittedly “nervous,” gave the letters “M,” “C,” “D,” and “O” and only two of those letters showed up once on the board.

“Again, not too much more, but who knows, you’ve had a lot of good luck tonight,” Seacrest said. “Maybe it’ll strike you.”

Then, all in under ten seconds (more like in 1.5 seconds), Demus-Gamble correctly guessed, “They go way back” like it was nothing.

Watch the incredible moment below:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

As the audience cheered, Seacrest playfully circled Demus-Gamble, as though searching for an earpiece that must have fed her the winning guess. Down in the comments, people were equally floored.

“Now THAT was an amazing solve.”

“Wow! That was impressive!”

“I couldn't solve that one to save my life, but Demus-Gamble got it like it was nothing.”

“There's only one way to describe this to me: 😦”

At the end of the clip, Seacrest opened the envelope to reveal that Demus-Gamble’s puzzle solve won her $50,000, earning her a total win of $78,650. Certainly not chump change.

As for her winning strategy—Demus-Gamble assured no cheating was involved. “I just dug deep," she told Seacrest. We’ll say.

Brb, going out to buy a pet snake.

Kids and pets is a recipe for adorableness no matter what, but the fact that the video below features a kid with a pet snake…that just takes things to a whole new level. After all, it’s not like snakes are widely considered a great match for any pet owners, let alone children. But after seeing the pure love these two beings share for one another, it’s hard to not be won over.

In the clip posted online, we at first see the onscreen text (presumably from mom or dad) read “no one warned us that having a snake could look like this” as a little girl, smiling ear to ear, holds her snake—which appears to be a piebald ball python—in both hands.

From there, we’re taken on a lovely thirty second journey of snuggles while watching TV together, snakey helping with homework, and just lots of cuddles in general. The two are undeniably inseparable.

Watch:

So stinking sweet, right? And it was not only an entertaining watch, but an educational one as well, as it stirred up conversation about how snakes experience television.

“The snake is low-key tripping watching the TV,” one viewer commented. “You see the holes round its mouth? They're called heat pits and from what I understand they react to the heat coming of the TV…So his little brain is getting absolutely blasted with stimulation. Thus the interest in it. He's having fun.”

To that, someone quipped, “TIL that TV is like psychedelics for snakes,” while another echoed, “Wow, I came here to have fun, but I learned something and it was fun.”

For a little more context, the website ReptileCraze.comhttps://reptilecraze.com/can-snakes-watch-tv/

explains that while snakes only see greens and blues, they perceive ultraviolet light, which is invisible to the human eye, as well as heat—all of which a TV gives off. So just because they might not be following along on who’s getting booted from your favorite reality show, they are probably nonetheless enjoying it.

Really the only thing snake owners should be aware of regarding TV is disrupting their natural sleep cycle. But I mean, we as humans should also be aware of that with our own sleep cycles. So if you’re keeping that in mind, TV time can actually be a great bonding opportunity. Which is clearly what these two in the video are doing.

In general piebald ball pythons like this one are considered great pets for their docile nature, but apparently carpet pythons, gopher snakes, milk snakes, garter snakes, rosy boas, western hognoses, California kingsnakes, and corn snakes are also good considerations—most of which can live for decades.

There’s even a breed called the children's python, which got its name not because its safe for children (though it is) but because of the scientist who covered them, John George Children. What a name.

But if you aren’t in the market for a new reptile friend, you can always just peruse the internet to find sweet videos of them, just like this one.

Pictured: A true hero and Batman

Editor's Note: This story discusses suicide. If you are having thoughts about taking your own life, or know of anyone who is in need of help, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is a United States-based suicide prevention network of over 200+ crisis centers that provides 24/7 service via a toll-free hotline with the number 9-8-8. It is available to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress.


It’s not often that the person who portrays a hero in movies, TV, or video games is an even greater hero in real life. A man on Reddit shared an experience of that rare exception when he posted a Cameo he purchased in 2020 from Kevin Conroy, a voice actor best known for his portrayal of Batman, saying that “It's saved me from suicide countless times.”

"I paid for a Cameo video from Mr. Conroy. In the introductory text I believe I simply explained how my name is pronounced, that I had schizophrenia and had been extremely moved and inspired to face my fears as Batman did in Arkham Knight. I ended with 'THANK YOU.'"

He only had enough money for 30 second Cameo, but Conroy instead gave him a heartfelt six minute long response.


In the video, Conroy not only did some classic Batman dialogue in the voice but shared about how his brother struggled with schizophrenia. He got personal and touched upon the struggles of life, and how the fan was not alone in his fight and in his treatment. Conroy ended his message with "I believe in you. Batman believes in you, and Batman is on your side."

The fan held onto his video, wanting to keep it private since Conroy was so vulnerable and personal in his response, but felt it was okay to share since Conroy touched upon his brother's schizophrenia in "Finding Batman", an autobiographical comic story in the DC Pride 2022 anthology. In "Finding Batman," Conroy discusses helping his brother with his treatment along with how his life as a young gay man in the 1950s through the 1990s required him to have a "public face" and a "private face" much like Batman and his secret identity of Bruce Wayne. Conroy would portray the character on and off in various animated shows, movies, and video games for over 30 years, with his last posthumous performance as Batman in 2024's Justice League: Crisis on Infinite Earths - Part Three.


"His reply, this video, is my most prized possession," said the fan. "It's saved me from suicide countless times. Batman telling me he believes in me is extremely powerful... but over time, it's become Kevin believing in me that is equally powerful."

Commenters shared their feelings about Conroy:

"This high key had me blinking back tears. Mr. Conroy was as important to me as the Batman character - something that became clear after his passing."

"Kevin is one of the people that I'd have loved to spend a day with. A true kind human."

"Bittersweet to know Kevin Conroy was exactly the hero we grew up watching. I miss him."

The commenters also threw in their thanks and support to the fan, too:

"You’ve got this, brother 👊🏽 You’re not alone."

"Your struggles don’t define you, it’s your perseverance against them that does, so fight. Fight tooth and nail."

"Giving this to the world made you a superhero."

Conroy understood that being the voice behind such a beloved character for an entire generation had some weight and responsibility to it, and used that bit of fame and power to grow a supportive community. Another such example is when he did the Batman voice for a bunch of 9/11 first responders as he helped cook meals for them between shifts of moving debris from the attack.

- YouTubeyoutu.be


Kevin used his position to encourage people, help people, and if nothing else made their lives a little brighter. That's something we can all learn from him. If he can be Batman in those ways, we can be Batman, too. Offer a hand to your family members. If someone needs help, help them. You don't need to be a millionaire playboy with an awesome dark costume to make a difference.

Also, if you're struggling with schizophrenia, you aren't alone, like Kevin said. If you could use some support, you can investigate Schizophrenia Alliance to find a support group near you, or a Zoom group if you prefer. Do your best to remember that we believe in you and Batman believes in you.