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6 alternatives to saying 'let me know if you need anything' to someone in crisis

If someone is drowning, you don't wait for them to ask for help. You just take action.

woman crying with her hand on a rainy window
Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

People going through major struggles don't always know what they need or how to ask for help.

When we see someone dealing with the loss of a loved one or some other major life crisis, it's instinctual for many of us to ask how we can help. Often, the conversation looks something like this:

Us: I am SO sorry you're going through this. What can I do to help?

Person in crisis: I honestly don't know right now.

Us: Okay…well…you let me know if you need anything—anything at all.

Person in crisis: Okay, thank you.

Us: I mean it. Don't hesitate to ask. I'm happy to help with whatever you need.

And then…crickets. The person never reaches out to take you up on the offer.

Was it that they didn't really need any help, this person going through a major life crisis? Unlikely. As sincere as our offer may have been, the problem may be that we didn't really offer them what they actually needed.

One of those needs is to not have to make decisions. Another is to not have to directly ask for help.

When a person is in a state of crisis, they can feel like they're drowning. They might be disoriented and fatigued, and doing anything other than keeping their head above water long enough to breathe can feel like too much.

If someone is drowning, you don't ask them what you can do to help or wait for them to ask. Youjust take action.

Here are some specific ways you can take action to help someone who you know needs help but isn't able or willing to ask for it:

1. Make them food

It may be tempting to ask if you can make them a meal and wait for them to say yes or no, but don't. Simply ask if they or anyone in their household has any dietary restrictions, and then start shopping and cooking.

Meals that can be popped in the refrigerator or freezer and then directly into the oven or microwave are going to be your best bets. Include cooking or reheating instructions if it's not obvious. Disposable aluminum trays are great for homemade freezer-to-oven meals and can be found at just about any grocery store. Casseroles. Stir fried rices. Soups. Comfort foods.

If you don't cook, you can buy them gift cards to local restaurants that deliver, or give them a DoorDash or UberEats gift certificate (large enough to cover the delivery, service fees and tip as well, which combined can be as much as a meal sometimes).

lasagna in the oven

Easy-prep meals people can throw in the oven are great.

Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

Even better—organize a meal train

If you want to make it a community-wide effort and no one else has done so yet, set up a "meal train," where different people sign up for different days to bring meals to spread out the food help over time. There are several free websites you can use for this purpose, including Give In Kind, Meal Train, and Take Them a Meal. These sites make it super easy for anyone with the personalized link to sign up for a meal.

someone scrubbing a pot in a kitchen sink

There are always dishes to wash.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

2. Clean their kitchen and/or bathrooms

Kitchens are always in use, and keeping up with dishes, especially in a house full of people, is a challenge even under normal circumstances. Same with keeping the refrigerator cleaned out. Same with cleaning the bathroom.

Rather than asking if they want it done, as many people won't want to say yes even if they would appreciate the help, try saying something like, "I want to come and make sure your kitchen is ready for you to make food whenever you want to and that your bathroom is a clean space for you to escape to whenever you feel like it. Is Tuesday or Wednesday at 1:00 better for you?"

The fewer complex decisions a person in crisis has to make the better, so saying, "Is this or that better?" rather than offering open-ended possibilities can be helpful.

woman folding clothes

There is always laundry to fold, too.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

3. Do laundry

Offer to sit and chat with them, let them vent if they need to…and fold their laundry while you're at it.

Are they the kind of people who might be embarrassed by you seeing or handling their underclothes? Fine. Wash, dry and fold towels or bedsheets instead. Just keep the laundry moving for them.

And if it doesn't feel appropriate or desirable for you to do their laundry at their house, you can offer a pick-up laundry service, either yourself or an actual hired service. Tell the person to put bags or bins of laundry at the door and you (or the service) will come pick it up and bring it back clean and folded the next day. That's a great way to be of service without feeling like you're intruding.

man pulling food and toilet paper out of the car

Offer to pick stuff up when you're on a grocery run.

Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash

4. Run errands for them

"Hey, I'm heading out to the store, what can I grab you while I'm there?" is always a welcome phone call or text. Let them know when you're going to be running your own errands and see if there's anything they need dropped at the post office, picked up from the pharmacy, or anything else.

You can also offer to run errands with them. "Hey, I've got some errands to run. Do you want to join me?" They may have no desire to leave the house, or they may desperately want to leave the house, so be prepared for either answer, but the offer is solid. Even just not having to drive might be a relief if they have things they need to pick up or drop off places.

woman holding hands with a small child as they walk

Caring for someone's kids is one of the most helpful things you can do.

Photo by Kelli McClintock on Unsplash

5. Provide childcare

If the person is a parent, taking their kid(s) out for a chunk of the day can be a big help. Caring for yourself is hard when you're going through a difficult time, and the energy a person might use to actually do that often gets usurped by caring for others. Obviously, parents can't just neglect their children, so anything you can do to relieve them of that responsibility for a while is gold.

Offering to take the kids to do something fun—a day at the park, ice skating, etc. is even better. A parent knowing their kid is safe, occupied, and happy is its own form of relief.

6. Ask what they're struggling with and focus your help there

While all of these practical household things are helpful, there might be some people who find comfort or solace in doing those things themselves. If that's the case, talk with them about what their immediate needs are and what they're having a hard time dealing with. Then focus your energies there. "What can I do to help?" may not be as effective a question as "What are you having a hard time doing right now?" They may not know what kind of help they need, but they probably know how they're struggling.

One person might be lonely and just want some company. Another person might need a creative outlet or a mindless distraction or something physical like going for a walk or a hike. Someone else might have pets they need help caring for, a garden that needs tending, or the oil changed in their car. Someone might even need a person to serve as a shield or buffer between them and all the people coming to offer their condolences.

Note that many of these things are basic life maintenance stuff—those are often the things that get hard for people when they're dealing with the emotional and logistical stuff surrounding whatever they're going through, and they're often the easiest things other people can do for them. A time of crisis is not a normal time, so normal etiquette, such as asking if you can or should do something rather than just letting them know you're going to do it, doesn't always apply.

If there's a specific thing with specific tasks, such as planning a funeral, that might be a good opportunity to ask how you can help. But people deep in the throes of grief or struggle often need someone to take the reins on basic things without being asked to. Again, there's a good chance they feel like they're drowning, so don't wait for an invitation. Just grab the life preserver, put it around them and do whatever needs to be done to get them to shore.

Note: This advice is especially relevant now as Californians struggle with the Wildfire Crisis. In light of many losing their homes, possessions, and loved ones, knowing how to help and what to do might be even more difficult. Check out our Community Resource Guide for ways to offer aid and relief to those impacted.


This article originally appeared last year.

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Education

Teacher reveals the 'really obvious' reason teens no longer read. It's not just the phones.

"Kids who read are just built different."

via Canva/Photos

A teenage boy stars at his smartphone.

Studies show that kids are spending a lot less time reading these days. In 2020, 42% of 9-year-old students said they read for fun almost daily, down from 52% in 2012. Seventeen percent of 13-year-olds read for fun daily, down from 27% in 2012. Among 17-year-olds, 19% say they read for fun, down from 31% in 1984.

It’s safe to say that modern technology is a big reason why kids aren’t reading as much. A recent report found that teenagers spend an average of 8 hours 39 minutes per day on screens, compared to 5-and-a-half hours for pre-teen children. So, it’s no wonder they don’t have any time left to crack open a book. A high school teacher on TikTok who goes by the name StillATeacher recently brought the topic up with her class, and they stopped reading for fun at the end of middle school.

“So even those who are like avid readers of the Percy Jackson series in fourth and fifth grade fall off,” the teacher says. “Honestly, there are many reasons to stop reading recreationally, like increased pressure inside and outside of school, a desire to spend more time socializing, and, of course, the phones.”

But the teacher says there’s an obvious reason “right in front of our faces”: the adults. “Adults have lowered the bar for how much you should read as a teenager so far that the bar cannot be found,” she continued. “There are many educators who have the mindset that you shouldn't teach whole books because kids just won't read them.”

@stillateacher

the literacy crisis is upon us #teachertok #teacher #highschoolteacher #englishteacher #education #literacy #booktok #creatorsearchinsights

“I've taught at schools where teaching novels is actually discouraged,” she continued. “And I have conversations with teachers in other content areas who say that they themselves never read books, that they don't think it's important for students' long-term success. All this said, it is not entirely surprising that high schoolers don't wanna read.”

How does reading benefit kids?

The significant decrease in the number of children who read for fun means that many will miss out on the incredible benefits of regularly curling up for a good book. Studies show that children who read for pleasure enjoy improved cognitive performance, language development, and academic achievement. Reading is also linked to fewer mental health problems, less screen time, and more sleep. Findings suggest that kids get the optimal benefits of reading when they do it for around 12 hours a week.



“You forgot empathy,” one commenter added. “People who read are better at empathizing because they have been able to put themselves in the shoes of others and learn about different perspectives, people, cultures, experiences.”

StillATeacher has seen these incredible benefits first-hand.

“But I'm telling you, the handful of kids I teach who do read are built different. Kids who read have stronger critical thinking skills, more success across all academic areas, and, honestly, just a stronger sense of self. Because reading helps you figure out who you are as a person,” the teacher said.

The decline in young people's reading is a serious problem that must be addressed. So, it’s terrific that the teacher used her platform on TikTok to bring it to the public’s attention. Interestingly enough, she says that TikTok is one of the few platforms encouraging kids to read.

“And honestly, thank goodness for BookTok because I think it is one of the only drivers of adolescent reading that still exists,” she concluded her post. “Isn't that sad? Like, the schools aren't doing it, TikTok's doing it. We gotta start a movement here.”

This story originally appeared last year.

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Learning

In two sentences, finance guy crushes the idea of buying a new car. But people disagree.

Here's why people are still doing it.

via Canva/Photos

A woman gets the keys to her new car.

There are many reasons to be squeamish about spending money in today’s economy. Interest rates are high, trade wars may drive inflation, and financial experts say we may be headed for a recession. That comes after the post-COVID period, when the process of everyday necessities, such as rent and groceries, went sky-high.

There’s a lot of economic uncertainty out there, but that won’t stop some of us from needing a car. And, of course, those are getting more expensive, too. The average car cost $49,740 in January, nearly an all-time high. Part of that is inflation, but it’s also because Americans love buying nice cars, and more are choosing luxury models. So now, to purchase a new car at $49,740, with zero dollars down and a 5-year loan, would cost over $950 a month. That’s a lot of money for something that will only decrease in value.

Real estate expert and author of “Retire FIlthy Rich,“ Ravi Sharma, wasn’t shy about sharing his thoughts about buying a new car on TikTok. The post received over 1.2 million views.

"Controversial topic: That $50,000 car loan that you finally paid off after 5 years cost you $62,000 (due to interest). That car is now worth $20,000 due to depreciation. Losing $42,000 in 5 years would be seen as a bad investment, yet people are still buying new cars. Thoughts?"

@personalfinancewithravi

Controversial Topic - What’s your thoughts about this? 🤔 #personalfinancewithravi

Is it financially smart to buy a new car?

Sharma’s logic is hard to argue with. A car is a depreciating asset that will lose its value over time. In fact, according to Kelly Blue Book, the average new car loses 20% of its value after the first year. That number grows to over 60% after five years. So, why not buy a car that’s five years old, costs less money, and is significantly cheaper to insure?

Strangely, most people in the comments pushed back against Sharma’s logic. "You forgot to factor in the benefit of owning that vehicle and the pleasure of driving it. For most, it's priceless. Not everything in life is about making money," Patty wrote. "I have 3 bad investments and loving them. We only live once. Enjoy,” Rich added. Others noted that even though the car's value goes down, you got use out of the vehicle so it's not a total loss.

new car, finance, ravi sharmaA woman inspects her new car. via Canva/Photos

There were a few people who agreed with Sharma. "Yes! Car payments are one of the top wealth killers. I have always bought used and paid cash,” a commenter wrote. "Amen. I’ve never purchased a brand-new vehicle. If you want to be a millionaire, don’t live like one,” another added. "Just driving the new car off the lot depreciates it by 20-25%. Buying pre-owned, someone else took that depreciation. Don't believe me? Buy a $50k new car then try to sell it tomorrow,” a commenter wrote.

Many people pushed back against Sharma because buying a new vehicle gives them joy. But the real question is, how long does that last before it just becomes your everyday car and no longer has the wow factor it had when you drove it off the lot? Further, going back to our car that cost $49,740 and about $950 a month, what if you bought a car for half the price and invested the $475 a month of the payment in a sensible mutual fund? After 5 years at 6% of growth, that would amount to over $32,000.

new car, finance, ravi sharmaA woman gets the keys to her new car.via Canva/Photos

With the constantly rising cost of living, it’s good to consider what it really means to make a big purchase and whether the joy of something new is worth the loss that comes with spending versus investing. Ultimately, the decision comes down to one’s values and financial priorities. Is short-term satisfaction worth the long-term cost when opting for a used car means more financial freedom tomorrow?

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Heroes

Instacart delivery driver trusted her gut instinct and ended up saving a customer's life

"You're supposed to take a picture and leave, and I could not just leave."

@JessicaHiggs3/TikTok

Jessica Higgs had a sense that something wasn't right at a customer's house and her action saved his life.

One the more mysterious aspects of being human is our sense of intuition. This "sixth sense" isn't something we can see or measure, but many people have experienced it in some form or fashion. Maybe it comes as a strong feeling that something isn't right, or that we or someone else should or shouldn't do something. It can be hard to read—not every feeling we get is truly our intuition—but there are plenty of examples of people trusting their instincts and being glad they did.

One such story has gone viral on TikTok. Jessica Higgs, a mom who works as an Instacart grocery delivery person, shared a story in an emotional video that illustrates the importance of listening to that inner voice when it prompts you to make sure someone is OK.

"I just want to start this off by saying if you see something, say something," Higgs said.

Animated GIFGiphy

She explained how she had done an Instacart order the previous day for a daughter who was ordering for her older dad who couldn't shop for himself. She said she was going the extra mile like she always does for her customers, and that the daughter told her to just drop the groceries on the porch and he'd get them. That's what Higgs would usually do.

"I get there and something was telling me no, you gotta help this man out," she said. "He came out, and I was like OK let me help you, and I got the groceries. You're not supposed to go into someone's house, but I used my judgment and I brought the groceries inside and put them down wherever he wanted me to put them down. You're not supposed to, but I did. And you're supposed to just take a picture and leave, and I could not just leave."



@jessicahiggs3

@Instacart #28DaysOfEucerin #fyp



Higgs noticed that the man looked really sick and she was really concerned. A voice in her head said, "You gotta say something. You gotta say something, Jess." Rather than mark the order as complete, she messaged the man's daughter and told her that it was really unprofessional to say something like this, but she felt like her dad wasn't doing well. "There's a propane tank in there," she told the woman. "I was in there maybe five feet and I got dizzy. There's got to be a leak. He might not be doing good because of this leak."

The woman said she would send her son over to check it out and Higgs left. The woman changed her tip from $14 to $100, which Higgs appreciated, but the message she sent her the next morning was a much greater reward for her going the extra mile.

"Thank you so much, once my son went to check on my dad it turned out it was definitely leaking," she wrote. "You definitely saved my dad and my younger son's life!!!"

Through tears, Higgs said, "I'm just an Instacart worker, but if you see something, say something. I did and I'm so happy I did."

Higgs' TikTok has been viewed more than 15 million times and has been shared widely on social media. It has also attracted the attention of big companies.

Royal Caribbean Cruises shared a TikTok video of its own praising Higgs for her heroic act and offering her and her family a seven-day cruise anywhere in the world. "Cause even heroes need a vacation," the company wrote.



@royalcaribbean

Stitch with @jessicahiggs3 - cause even heroes need a vacation. Thanks @captaincruiseguy



Old Navy connected with her and arranged a shopping spree where she got to model several new outfits. People Magazine commented, "You’re literally a HERO! Good job trusting your instincts. 💕" Even TikTok itself wrote, "You are amazing ❤️thank you for sharing this with all of us."

Lots of commenters also pointed out that she's not "just an Instacart worker." Her work is important, she's providing a needed service and any job done in a spirit of helping others should not be minimized. If she hadn't been there doing her job well, that man may not be here. Never underestimate the difference each of us can make by the simple act of looking out for one another, friend and stranger alike.

Higgs' heartfelt story touched millions, and she's being rightly rewarded for listening to her heart and going out of her way to help someone. Gotta love seeing good things come to people doing good. Well done, Jessica Higgs.

This article originally appeared three years ago.

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Heroes

'Jeopardy' contestant with Parkinson's stuns the crowd with a historic win

It was a victory 24 years in the making.

Jeopardy!/Youtube

“Your life isn’t over when you get this diagnosis.”

Instilled with what he calls a “voracious curiosity,” New York based attorney Harvey “H-bomb” Silikovitz has three major passions: karaoke, travel, and trivia. Naturally, that latter interest turned into a dream of one day competing on the trivia show of all trivia shows—Jeopardy!

This was a dream Silikovitz had been trying to realize since 2001. Then in 2019, after nine auditions throughout the years, he had missed the call finally welcoming him onto the popular quiz show. By the time he had finally found and heard the voicemail, the seasons had already wrapped.

The year would prove to be a challenging one, as five months later Silikovitz was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. But still, he kept going after his dream, “relentlessly” expanding his knowledge base and sharpening his buzzer timing skills in hopes of one day landing that coveted spot.

Then, in January 2025, it finally happened. In October 2024 had gotten an email from the show, and this time he didn't miss it. A few months later, Silikovitz hopped on a plane to California.

And not only did H-Bomb compete, he won, taking home a total of $23,200. He even ended another competitor’s eight day winning streak. Plus, he made history as the first Jeopardy! contestant to play with Parkinson’s.

“I wouldn’t recommend that as a preparation strategy for doing well on the show,” Silikovitz joked to Jennings during the episode’s Q&A portion. “But after living with Parkinson’s for five and a half years, it’s no longer just about wanting to do well for myself—I would like to give hope and inspiration to the people who are living with chronic illnesses.”

Claire McNear, who had followed Silikovitz’s journey while writing her 2020 Jeopardy! book, Answers in the Form of Questions, covered his recent win in an article for The Ringer. In it, Silikovitz shared his hope that someone else with Parkinson’s might see this moment and be inspired to think “your life isn’t over when you get this diagnosis.”

This is a real life story of resilience. No matter what setback came upon his path, Silikovitz persisted with optimism and his signature curiosity. We all have moments of challenge in our lives, and while a good attitude certainly isn’t a cure-all, keeping some sort of dream or purpose alive within us can make a huge difference in overcoming those challenges. Even for those with chronic illness, goal-setting can have an empowering effect, since it helps them remain an active participant in their own life.

Bottom line: we rarely deserve the obstacles that life throws our way. But sometimes we can transmute them into powerful parts of our overall story.

By the way, you can watch H-bomb defend his title on Jeopardy’s March 1 episode.

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Motherhood

Women gives tour of "postpartum hotel" in China where new moms get pampered for 30 days

It's not exactly cheap, but it goes to show what's possible with better maternity leave.

Canva Photos

Maternity leave or maternity miracle?

Much has been written about maternity leave in the United States and how it compares to other parts of the world. Unsurprisingly, it usually doesn't compare well. An analysis done by Yahoo! Finance does not have the US cracking the top 25 countries with the best maternity leave policies. The only thing new moms are guaranteed nationwide here is 12 weeks of unpaid leave. Awesome.

We know that many countries have it a lot better than us, but it's sometimes hard to visualize what that looks like. More paid time off sounds great, but how does that really impact those crucial first days after baby is born?

A recent video showcasing what maternity leave looks like for some women in China is blowing people's minds.

gif of a woman getting a facialCould maternity leave be a spa experience? For some women in China, the answer is yes.Giphy

Aileen Wang took viewers along with her as she went to visit a coworker who had just had a baby. The woman was staying at a postpartum center, described as part hospital, part luxury hotel.

"In China we have six months of paid maternity leave and have a tradition called ... kind of like a cozy VIP jail for new moms," she writes in the video caption.

Wang is referring to a a tradition called "zuo yue zi," or "sitting the month." Traditionally, new moms in China are under strict watch by family members not to leave the house or over-exert themselves, to stay warm and eat certain foods in order to recover while family members pitch in with care and help with the baby.

"For the first month after birth, moms can't go out, they are forced to stay at home or in postpartum centers. No cold food and drink, staying warm, and eating nutritious food."

Wang adds that at her friend's cushy recovery center, she gets round-the-clock care for the baby and herself, meals delivered to the room, yoga sessions, massages, and more. For 30-40 days mom has to worry about very little except recuperating her physical, mental, and emotional strength. In the video you even see a staff member at the center bringing in an extraordinary-looking meal on a tray for the new mom!

"In China, there's a say. It basically means: Don't mess with a woman during her first month after giving birth—she won't forget it for whole life!"

Watch the fascinating tour here:


@aileenw1113

In China, we get six months of paid maternity leave and have a tradition called "sitting the month"—kind of like a cozy VIP jail for new moms. #china #maternityleave#givebirth #baby #postpartum

The facility looks and sounds incredible. So does the idea of giving new moms several weeks of pampering to get back on their feet after the trauma of delivery.

Of course, this luxury doesn't come free, or even cheap in China. A month-long stay can cost families somewhere around the equivalent of $10,000 or more. But over the last decade, the number of centers like this one has grown from 550 to well over 4000, showing that the idea is gaining popularity and accessibility.

"The million-plus people who watched Wang's video on TikTok were stunned:6 MONTHS PAID AND 24/7 CARE?!? Please someone tell me why we're brainwashed into thinking the USA is the greatest country ever? Women's health is trash here!"

"America: oh you’ll be fine in 6 weeks."

"This must help a lot with post partum depression. All women need this kind of support"

"And they sent me home alone in a blizzard 4 days after a c section. It was literally 37 degrees below zero."

Even if moms can't afford to stay in a fancy postpartum center like the one shown above, many still observe "sitting the month" at home. With six months of paid leave, new mothers have plenty of time to recover and bond with their baby while other members of the family pitch in with all the heavy lifting. It's an attractive idea that really calls into question what could be possible in the US with better support for moms.


gif of woman wearing two breast pumps saying, "Welcome to motherhood."Imagine how much better of women would be if motherhood started off like this. Giphy

Six weeks of unpaid time off doesn't give families a lot of money or flexibility to work with during maternity leave. Some companies will offer a small amount of paid leave on their own, and some states have mandatory paid leave, but it's not required everywhere. Postpartum centers are becoming more popular in the United States, too, but the concept doesn't align well with the realities of being a working parent. Not yet, anyways. It's fun to envision a future where new families have more time and money to make sure mom's OK before sending her back into the rigors of daily life.

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