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25 things you do as an adult when you've experienced childhood emotional abuse.

25 things you do as an adult when you've experienced childhood emotional abuse.

Thinkstock photo via openeyed11.

It has been said that “no one escapes childhood unscathed.” But sayings like these can have an especially significant meaning for a person who has experienced emotional abuse as a child.

The effects of emotional abuse can be both debilitating and far-reaching, often extending out of childhood and into adolescence and adulthood. For many, experiencing emotional abuse at a young age can affect their self-worth and relationships. For some, emotional abuse may even have contributed to a current struggle with mental illness.

Our partners at The Mighty wanted to know what kinds of effects childhood emotional abuse can have on adulthood, so they asked their mental health community to share one thing they do now that stemmed from the emotional abuse they experienced in their upbringing.

No matter what your experience of childhood abuse was, it is important to remember hope is never lost and there is help out there.

Here’s what The Mighty community had to say:

1. “[I] can’t stand conflict, loud sudden noises, shouting and screaming or aggression in any form. [It] triggers my fight or flight, instantly.”

2. “I can’t accept compliments. When someone [compliments] me, my response would just just be ‘umm yeah’ or I’ll just smile awkwardly. I just figured out why… During my childhood, people just [noticed] my mistakes and not my achievements. So now it is hard for me to accept compliments.”

3. “I’m an overachiever. At everything and anything. I still feel the need to prove I’m good enough. I obsess about doing a job/task to perfection. And then I obsess about how I could do it better. [I worry] about others’ opinions way too much.”

4. “I always feel like I am doing everything wrong… It’s very hard to convince me I am good at something.”

5. “I become apologetic over everything. If someone doesn’t text back, I’ll believe they’re upset with me, and I’ll apologize. If I ask for something and annoy them, I’ll apologize. Everything becomes a situation where I feel like I’m to blame.”

6. “I’m basically a hermit. My home is my fortress. I have BPD, PTSD and anxiety. It’s so hard to work or apply myself in school or just life when every time I want to apply myself, I can’t help but run to the nearest exit to catch my breath. I constantly fear everyone around me.”

7. “I have problems trusting people. I keep people at [an] arm’s length. I never really let them into my life. I don’t allow them to know of my health problems and my mental illnesses. If I do let them in, it is rare and they [will] have known me for years. It takes a long time [for me] to build trust.”

8. “Indecisiveness. [It feels like] every choice I make is wrong even if I choose the option I’m told to take…I’m afraid to [be a] parent because I don’t want to ‘mess up’ my kid.”

9. “I avoid saying anything that others might not agree with, which means I’m never being myself. I wear a mask of complete neutrality in any situation, because I’m so scared of anyone feeling negative towards me.”

10. “I’m very defensive which can come across cold or nasty. I also portray quite a lot of negativity which seems to be my barrier so I don’t get hurt.”

11. “I have trouble accepting any kind of love because growing up, it was always given with strings attached or used a tool for manipulation. I don’t trust that others have the capacity to love me unconditionally, so I hide away parts of myself, never allowing myself to experience the vulnerability that comes with being loved, chosen and accepted by others.”

12. “I feel the need to please everybody I deem ‘of authority’ and thus have a hard time getting my needs met. I strive too hard for [a] perfection that doesn’t exist, and then eventually, melt down when too many things are not up to the standards held in my past.”

13. “I find myself always explaining my every move. I explain why I bought something, why I did what I did, etc. I feel like people think I’m lying to them, so I owe them a detailed explanation. Also feeling as though if I say ‘no’ to someone, they’ll hate me. So even if I’m inconveniencing myself, I’ll say ‘yes.’”

14. “I avoid asking help from anyone because I don’t trust anyone. I believe if someone offers me a hand, there will always be something they [want to] ask in return. I have friends but I don’t have a best friend. I keep my distance from people. Automatically, my wall blocks anyone.”

15. “[I have] attachment issues, trust issues [and am] paranoid that everyone will leave me. A lot of this is part of my BPD. My sudden divorce also contributed to these behaviors.”

16. “I’m overly shy around people and struggle [with] having a voice. [I believe] no one wants to hear anything I have to say.”

17. “[I] won’t let anyone see the ‘bad’ side of myself.”

18. “I constantly think I’m not good enough and I’m not smart enough. [I] was told [this] all my childhood… I’ve gone back to university to prove to myself that I am smart enough, but it’s always there in the back of my mind, like a poison, reminding me I’m not good enough, not smart enough.”

19. “My whole childhood was emotional abuse. It is extremely hard for me to accept I have people in my life who actually care about me. That’s the worst one. I am nothing to myself so why would I matter to others?”

20. “I have a hard time making eye contact with people. I look away a lot when I’m speaking. I get startled very easily and it takes me awhile to get my heart rate back to normal.”

21. “I have major issues with anxiety and depression because of my childhood. The biggest factor is I cannot communicate well and I don’t know how to express my feelings with others because I am so used to just holding them inside because I wasn’t allowed to share how I felt. When tense situations arise, I get nauseous and uncomfortable, [and] my anxiety levels sky rocket. Definitely have a lot of emotional scars from my past, it’s been the hardest thing to conquer.”

22. “I never, ever fight back. I may cut toxic people out of my life with the help of amazing friends and professionals, but whenever a conflict is actively going on that involves someone attacking my character… I completely shut down. I let whatever they want to say wash over me until they tire themselves out. That’s what I had to do when I was younger. It was so much worse to fight back. I learned to let them yell themselves out.”

23. “Blaming myself for everything. I have to fight the urge to beat myself up constantly. I’ve also struggled with feeling like I’m not good enough, which makes things like school, dating and applying to jobs really hard.”

24. “I don’t really know who I am or what I truly think. Virtually everything I say seems to me to be a lie I’ve just fabricated for that particular situation. I have real problems trying to identify what I’m feeling.”

25. “Several things, but the main one was lashing out on social media for years. Controversial and angry statuses, just due to the anger inside of me. I have texts I sent my friend where I described just how much I felt this unsettling anger in my chest. Emotional abuse from peers at school to family [can] really [mess] you up. I then finally found a therapist who could help me and I’ve come a long way.”

This article was originally published by our partners at The Mighty and written by Juliette Virzi.

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Cycle for Survival

Cycle for Survival

How can riding a bike help beat cancer? Just ask Reid Moritz, 10-year-old survivor and leader of his own “wolfpack”

Every year, Reid and his pack participate in Cycle for Survival to help raise money for the rare cancer research that’s helped him and so many others. You can too.

all photos courtesy of Reid Moritz

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research

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There are many things that ten-year-old Reid Wolf Moritz loves. His family, making watches (yes, really), basketball, cars (especially Ferraris), collecting super, ultra-rare Pokémon cards…and putting the pedal to the medal at Cycle for Survival.

Cycle for Survival is the official rare cancer fundraising program of Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center (MSK). One hundred percent of every dollar raised at Cycle for Survival events supports rare cancer research and lifesaving clinical trials at MSK.

At only two years old, Reid was diagnosed with pilocytic astrocytoma, a rare type of brain tumor.

Pediatric cancer research is severely underfunded. When standard treatments don't work, families rely on breakthrough clinical trials to give their children a real shot at long-term survival.

When Reid’s chemotherapy and brain surgery didn’t work, he was able to participate in one of MSK’s clinical trials, where he’s received some incredible results. “Memorial Sloan Kettering has done so much for me. It's just so nice how they did all this for me. They're just the best hospital ever,” Reid recalls.

And that’s why every year, you’ll find Reid with his team, aptly named Reid's Wolfpack, riding at Cycle for Survival. It’s just Reid’s way of paying it forward so that even more kids can have similar opportunities.

“I love sharing my story to inspire other kids to PERSEVERE, STAY STRONG and NEVER GIVE UP while also raising money for my amazing doctors and researchers to help other kids like me.”

Reid remembers the joy felt bouncing on his father’s shoulder and hearing the crowd cheer during his first Cycle for Survival ride. As he can attest, each fundraising event feels more like a party, with plenty of dancing, singing and celebrating.

Hoping to spread more of that positivity, Reid and his family started the Cycle for Survival team, Reid’s Wolfpack, which has raised close to $750,000 over the past eight years. All that money goes directly to Reid’s Neuro-Oncology team at Memorial Sloan Kettering.

In addition to cheering on participants and raising good vibes at Cycle for Survival events, Reid even designs some pretty epic looking merch—like basketball shorts, jerseys, and hoodies—to help raise money.

If you’re looking to help kids just like Reid, and have a ton of fun doing it, you’re in luck. Cycle for Survival events are held at Equinox locations nationwide, and welcome experienced riders and complete newbies alike. You can even join Reid and his Wolfpack in select cities!

And if cycling in any form isn’t your thing, a little donation really does go a long way.

Together, let’s help fuel the next big breakthrough in cancer research. Find out more information by checking out cycleforsurvival.org or filling out this interest form.

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best of humanity

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Millennial dad of 3 shuts down boomer parents for their 'ridiculous' holiday expectations

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

via Canva/Photos

A Millennial dad has had it with his boomer dad's expectations.

A TikTok video posted by @carrerasfam is going viral, with over 300,000 views, because so many millennial parents can relate. In the video, a husband politely but firmly tells his “practically retired” baby boomer dad that he’s not taking his 3 young kids on a 400-mile drive to their house for the holidays.

Carerras Fam is a popular TikTok page about “all things postpartum and mamahood.” The husband opens the conversation with his dad by explaining all the inconveniences of taking 3 young kids on a long road trip. “I know you want us to drive down for the holidays, but it's kinda ridiculous that you want me to pack my 3 kids with their portable beds with my clothes, their clothes, the formula, everything that goes on with raising 3 kids and having them feel comfortable. Drive down for over four hours just so that we could spend some time in your house?” the husband says.

@carrerasfam
Sorry it’s just so much work. But you’re welcome to visit us #millennial #millennials #parents #parenting #parentsontiktok #boomers #millennials

It’s obviously inconvenient for the couple to pack up their kids and drive 4 hours, but it’s also unsafe because the house is not baby-proof. "I'm gonna have to run around, make sure that they don't break any of your stuff, and which you will take care of them,” the husband continues using sarcastic air quotes.

The dad brings up another great point: His parents are in good health, so why don’t they drive to their house? “You could visit. You don't have little kids,” the dad continues. “You don't have anything going on.

"Why is it that every time I have to make the effort for you, yet you can't do the most basic thing for me?”

It’s clear from the phone call the dad understands that traveling with the kids and staying in a house that isn’t correctly set up for young kids will make the holiday a struggle. Instead of making memories, they’ll most likely be running around bent over trying to save their kids from breaking something or hanging out at Target buying electrical socket plugs and a bottle brush because they left theirs at home.

The video struck a chord with many millennial parents.

“First holiday with a kid… parents are confused why I won’t drive 9 hours with a 3mnth old for Christmas,” too_many_catz writes. “The ‘not baby proofed’ part hit my soullllllll. It’s so stressful having to chase your kids around and ask to close doors, move pictures, block stairs, etc. And nobody takes you seriously!" OhHeyItsIndy added.

It’s also expensive for young families to travel. “Add to it they want us to spend money on gas, airfare, etc. when we live paycheck to paycheck and rent while they own homes and live comfortably off a pension,” another user wrote.

This one hit hard: “They always act like you're asking the world of them, yet they will willingly go on any other vacation that they choose,” Mackenzie Byrne wrote.

TX Travel Chick may have hit the nail on the head with her explanation for why boomer parents expect their children to road trip it to their house for the holidays. “Because we are used to following their orders!!! REVOLT,” she wrote.

Ultimately, it would be interesting to learn why boomer parents want to inconvenience their kids when it would be much easier for them to take a trip to see them, especially if they can afford a hotel. One wonders if they are being entitled or if they’ve forgotten how hard it is to travel with young kids.

People share the most hilariously out-of-touch advice given for saving money

'If you think gas is too expensive, just buy an electric car.'

Photo by Andre Taissin on Unsplash

People share out-of-touch money advice.

People have all sorts of advice on saving, and when doling it out, money experts often overlook those living paycheck to paycheck. I saw one of these experts on television recently saying people should have three separate savings accounts for their home expenses—one each for appliances, furniture and home repairs. These in addition to your emergency savings fund and likely your regular savings account. The advice, while acceptable for some, is comical for the rest of us. For even more hilarious money advice, people on Reddit came up with some doozies.

Reddit user u/Salazard260 posed the question "What's the most comically out of touch 'advice' you've been given by someone wealthier?" Most of the responses were eyebrow-raising, and if you've ever been poor—whether it be working poor or below poverty line poor—the advice was hilarious. User blezmalfoy said they were told, "That I need to buy several apartments and rent them out. Unfortunately, he did not tell me where to get money to buy several apartments." You do have to wonder, where does one simply get money to buy multiple apartments? Maybe the money tree our parents told us didn't exist is actually in a forest of other money trees and we just don't know it.

Remember the controversy several years ago when a financial advisor told millennials to stop buying coffees and avocado toast in order to afford purchasing a home? This approach may work for some people who might save a couple hundred dollars by the end of the year, but it's hardly enough to make a downpayment on a new house. It makes you wonder how much this person thinks lattes cost.

Screenshot from Reddit

The Lending Club reported that in June 2022, 61% of Americans were living paycheck to paycheck, and the Census Bureau states that 11.4% of Americans were living in poverty in 2020. People in these two categories don't have any room to save for a rainy day when they're focused on surviving until payday, so the advice given from people far removed from the poverty line can seem a little tone deaf.

In the Reddit thread, a commenter explained advice given to them when they complained of gas prices. "If you think gas is too expensive, just buy an electric car." They lamented, "If I'm unable to pay $50 for a tank of gas, I'm certainly not going to be able to buy a new car, whether it's electric or not."

Another user was told, "Start putting money away for retirement now asap!!" To which the commenter responded, "my brother in christ i cant even put money away for Christmas presents."

Screenshot from Reddit

The one that takes the cake is a commenter who revealed his college roommate said, “When your parents send you your allowance each month, just set a thousand aside each time.” I bet this commenter never thought to do that. Also, how much are wealthy people sending their kids to college with? The way prices are right now, my children will be sent off to college with a box of ramen and a crisp $5 bill.

The thread is full of real-life experience and responses that will make you chuckle, especially if you grew up less wealthy or are currently poor. Starting a business and buying rental property costs money, as does paying off all of your debt to free up money to save. It would seem that most people understand that concept and yet it appears to be lost if you're reading the encounters on Reddit.

Just know, if you truly want to save money, quit your job and take a six-month sabbatical to wait for the perfect idea to come to you. I'm kidding. Don't do that.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

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They thought their son lived an isolated life. But when he died, friends showed up in droves.

Mats Steen's parents were shocked to learn their severely disabled son had lived a rich, independent life they knew nothing about.

Netflix/YouTube

Mats Steen lived a secret life that his family only discovered after he died.

Mats Steen was only 25 years old when he passed away, his body succumbing to the genetic disease that had slowly taken his mobility since childhood. He'd lived in a wheelchair since his early teens, and by his 20s, his physical abilities had deteriorated to the point of only being able to move his fingers. He could push buttons and use a mouse, and he spent nearly all of his waking hours playing video games in his parents' basement.

His family loved him and cared for him through it all, giving him as much of a normal life as they could. But they also lamented everything they knew he'd missed out on. "Our deepest sorrow lay in the fact that he would never experience friendships, love, or to make a difference in people's lives," Mats' father shares.

Mats left behind the password to a blog he kept. Not knowing if anyone would actually read it, his parents published the news of Mats' passing in a blog post, adding their email address in case anyone wanted to reach out.

Much to their surprise, messages began pouring in from around the world—not just with condolences, but with heartfelt stories from people who called Mats their friend.

The Steens soon discovered that their son had lived a much fuller life than they'd ever imagined—one that included all the things they always wished for him.

As his online life was revealed, the family learned that Mats began his days with a routine 30-minute sprint through the forest. He frequented cafes and pubs, chatting with strangers and flirting with women. He sat by campfires having heart-to-heart conversations. He made friends and enemies. He fought heroic battles. He supported people in times of need. He gave advice that people took. He experienced his first kiss.

And he did it all as "Ibelin," his handsome, muscular avatar in the online game World of Warcraft.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Mats' life is showcased in the documentary, "The Remarkable Life of Ibelin," in which his parents share the story of how they discovered their son's group of friends they didn't know he had.

People who've never played an open world roleplay game like World of Warcraft may wonder how real community can be built through it, but Mats' story proves it's possible. The friends he made through the game have shared the real influence he'd had on their real lives, from helping them with problems they were facing to empowering them to make positive changes in their relationships.

Though he never met them face-to-face, Mats' online friends say he made a significant impact on them.

A young woman Ibelin had connected with as a teenager—the one with whom he'd shared that first virtual kiss—shared that her parents had taken away her computer when they feared gaming was interfering with her studies. When she logged on at a local library, Mats gave her a letter he had written to give to her parents, encouraging them to talk with her about her gaming hobby and to work out a solution together that didn't require her to give it up completely. She printed it and gave it to them. Miraculously, it worked.

Another woman had been having a hard time connecting with her autistic son as a young adult. When she talked with Ibelin about her struggles, he suggested that she and her son start gaming together and connect in that way first. Eventually, that connection via the virtual world led to warmer in-person interactions between them—and a life-changing shift in their relationship.

"I don't think he was aware of the impact that he had done to a lot of people," the mother shared.

Mats interacted with the same online friends as Ibelin for years, going through the kinds of ups and downs all real friendships experience. He kept his physical condition a secret until close to the end of his life, when he finally opened up to another player who convinced him to share his reality with the others. Some traveled from other countries to attend his funeral, with one of them speaking on the group's behalf and a few of them serving as pallbearers. Those who knew Ibelin also held a memorial in-game at his virtual gravesite—a tradition that has spread beyond just his own guild.

Typically, we think of someone escaping the real world and spending hours a day playing video games as unhealthy, but for Mats, it was a lifeline. As Ibelin, Mats was able to have a level of independence and a rich social life that simply wasn't possible for him in the offline world—an uniquely modern phenomenon that technology and human creativity have made possible.

Mats' impact on his online community was real, and 10 years after his passing his impact is spreading even further.

Duchenne muscular dystrophy, the genetic disease that Mats lived with and ultimately died from, affects 300,000 boys worldwide. It only affects males and it has no cure. But CureDuchenne, a global nonprofit dedicated to funding and finding a cure, has partnered with Blizzard and World of Warcraft in Mats' honor. From now until January 7, 2025, World of Warcraft players can purchase a limited-edition pet fox named Reven ("fox" in Norwegian). The Reven Pack, which includes a transmog backpack and Reven’s Comfy Carrier, costs $20, with 100% of the purchase price being donated to CureDuchenne.

The Reven Pack on World of Warcraft—100% of purchase cost goes to the CureDuchenne foundation.World of Warcraft/CureDuchenne

“Mats Steen lived a life in World of Warcraft that he couldn’t in the real world as he fought Duchenne muscular dystrophy alongside his incredible family, who I’m proud to have met and fallen in love with,”said Holly Longdale, executive producer of World of Warcraft. “Working with CureDuchenne for our Charity Pet Program, in honor of Mats’ memory, allows us to harness the power of our phenomenal global community to bring meaningful impact to so many lives.”

You can learn more about Mats' story in the award-winning documentary, "The Remarkable Life of Ibelin," on Netflix and learn more about the CureDuchenne fundraising initiative with World of Warcraft here.

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Pottery artist leaves gorgeous, handmade bowls in random places for people to stumble upon

Imagine coming across one of these gorgeous gifts.

Sailing Adrift Studios/Instagram

Kim Press drops free art in random places for unsuspecting wanderers to find.

Imagine you're hiking out in the red rocks of Moab, Utah, or taking a stroll down the beach in Key West, Florida, when you come across a gorgeous piece of glazed pottery. No one is around, just a beautiful, hand-carved bowl sitting with an envelope next to it that reads:

FREE ART

This bowl was left here for someone to find and keep. If it doesn't speak to you, leave it for someone else to find, or take it and give it to a friend. I only ask that it be enjoyed, and if you like, you can let me know where it ends up. (Contact details inside.)

Love, Kim

Kim Press is an artist from Texas who shares her pieces under the name Sailing Adrift Studios. When she travels, she takes a piece with her to leave for a random, unsuspecting person to find. Lucky wanderers in 36 states and two countries have come across Press' pottery "free art drops" and gotten to take home an unexpected artistic treasure from their own travels.

And these aren't any old bowls. Check out how absolutely stunning these pieces are:

See on Instagram

See on Instagram

Press recently shared a video highlighting some of the pieces she's dropped, and every single one of them would be an incredible gift.

"To say that I am proud of these numbers is an understatement," she wrote. "In my wildest dreams, I could never imagine how much taking a pottery class and playing in mud would change my life…. And it just goes to show that if you travel far enough, eventually you will find yourself."

See on Instagram

People who find Press' pottery let her know where the pieces ended up, and half the fun of it is seeing how far they travel. She put a page on her website where she shares the pieces' "found" stories, such as the bowl she left in Santa Monica, California, making its home in Spain, a bowl she left in Tucson finding its way to China and a piece found in Pennsylvania ending up in Mexico. Sometimes she leaves them in hiking spots in the wilderness. Sometimes she drops them in the middle of a city. Some pieces have stayed in the states she dropped them and others have traveled across the country or the world.

People who have found them have shared how much joy their discovery brought them:

"Just wanted to drop you a note to say that I picked up your 'Free Art' in the park in Fairhope during my last day of my Snowbird stay (January and February) in Orange Beach. While I was in Orange Beach, a dear friend fell and broke her hip and I wanted to get her something to take back. When I say your beautiful bowl, I knew it would touch her heart. Thank you so much for your generosity. She absolutely loved it."

See on Instagram

"Dear Kim , Today I found a wonderful surprise, we were at Ft. Zach for my grandson's 5th birthday party and found this on our table, my first thought was ..why is this here? Then I read the card and was speechless... How incredibly lucky I am to have such a precious gift. You are an amazing , talented person. Thank you so much , this will be something I will pass on to my grandchildren. I wish you nothing but the best!"

"Found this incredible gem today. It makes me happy how people are so passionate about their gifts and talents that they would want to share it with the world. Thank you."

Some people have even started looking for the pieces when Press does an art drop announcement, alerting friends and family if the drop is near where they live. A woman who found a bowl in Boise, Idaho, wrote:

"My friend follows you and today she shared your profile with our friend group. We all followed your page and on my way home from work she called me and sent me on an adventure. I squealed when I found it. Thank you so much!! Keep on keeping on."

And a group in Lago Vista, Texas, shared:

“Our out of state guests were about to do a polar plunge in our pool when they saw your post and decided to go art drop hunting instead... so exciting!!!”

Everyone who found pieces shared how much gratitude they felt upon finding them.

Check out the Sailing Adrift Studios website to see where Press has left her free art so far, and follow her on Facebook and Instagram to see where the next art drop happens.

Thank you, Kim Press, for bringing joy not only to the people who happen upon your artwork, but also to those of us living vicariously through them. (I really need one of those bowls!)

This article originally appeared two years ago.

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Ever heard of emetophobia? The oddly common phobia often misdiagnosed as anxiety or anorexia

My daughter's emetophobia diagnosis changed everything.

Canva

Emetophobia is a pathological fear of vomiting and can be incredibly debilitating.

Something was wrong with our daughter. We'd seen the signs brewing for a while, but couldn't pinpoint their exact nature. She'd always been an easy-going kid, but sometimes she'd flat-out refuse to do certain things or go certain places, and she would panic if we tried to coax her.

She had frequent dizzy spells and stomachaches with no apparent physical cause. If she heard someone we knew was sick, she'd immediately ask with a worried tone, "What kind of sick?" Those last two things should have been bigger clues, but we didn't have the clarity of hindsight. And as adolescence approached, she started experiencing more anxiety in general. She would back out of plans with friends more frequently.

She spent more and more time in her bedroom. When I took her to orchestra practice—something she enjoyed—she couldn't make herself get out of the car to go in. We could see her trying to do things, but more and more she was paralyzed by a fear she couldn't name. It was clear she was struggling with anxiety and we tried a couple of different therapists. They each helped a little, at least to keep the spiral from getting worse. But we seemed to be missing something.

It began dawning on me how often she talked about feeling nauseous. I took note of how many times she'd ask us if food was OK to eat and how frequently she'd refuse to eat certain things. She obsessively checked every bite of meat to make sure it looked cooked enough, and if her stomach felt the slightest bit off, she wouldn't eat at all. If a character in a movie or TV show gave any indication that they were about to vomit, she'd hop up and leave the room. If she found out someone had a stomach bug, she'd hole herself up in her bedroom. And so we started piecing it together.

"I've noticed that most of your anxiety seems to be centered around you worrying about throwing up," I said to her one day. "Does that sound accurate?" She flinched when I said, "throwing up," but nodded "yes."

As a shot in the dark, I googled "intense fear of throwing up," and found the clinical term that would change everything: emetophobia.

Emetophobia (also called specific phobia of vomiting, or SPOV) is a pathological fear of throwing up. In scientific literature, it is often referred to as an "understudied" or "underresearched" disorder, but there is a growing consensus that it is surprisingly common. One study found that up to 3% of men and 7% of women are affected by it. No one loves throwing up, of course, but when it becomes an actual phobia it can be incredibly debilitating.

For our daughter and other emetophobes, throwing up is the most terrifying thing that could happen to them. My daughter has said if she were given the choice between throwing up and dying, she's not sure which she'd choose. Totally irrational, but that's what makes it a disorder. Sometimes emetophobia is a PTSD response to a traumatic vomiting episode, but often—as in our daughter's case—there's no clear cause. But the why is less important than the what and the how to treat it.

People with emetophobia are basically afraid of their own bodies. Many phobias are situational—people don't generally freak out about heights or spiders or small spaces unless they're in or around those situations—but a person can't avoid or escape their own body. There are no breaks, no periods of relief from the fear. And the biggest triggers for emetophobia—food and other people—are also unavoidable, which makes it a particularly challenging disorder.

We all know that anything we eat has the possibility of giving us food poisoning—we know it's rare, so we take reasonable precautions and don't worry about it. Emetophobes do worry about it. All the time. They check expiration dates obsessively. They ask for reassurance that food is safe to eat. (I can't count how many times our daughter has asked us to smell or taste something that is not the least bit old.) Obviously, they can't not eat, but they often start limiting their diets to things they deem "safe."

Additionally, in an emetophobe's brain, pretty much every normal stomach sensation—hunger, digestion, gas—gets interpreted as nausea. And if they think they're nauseous, they won't eat. Such disordered eating can easily be misdiagnosed as anorexia nervosa, though it's a totally different illness.

People are another big trigger. Any person we interact with could have a stomach bug and not know it yet, which they could pass along to us. Again, we all know this, but we understand the chance is small, so we don't worry about it. Emetophobes do worry about it, incessantly, to the point of avoiding people and places where people will be, which is basically everywhere except their own personal living space. Hence the spiral into reclusiveness, which can easily be mistaken for agoraphobia.

The compulsive food checking, the frequent hand washing and the avoidance of certain things that go along with emetophobia also look a lot like OCD. (And indeed, as my daughter's therapist explained, emetophobia is a form of obsession.) All of these things make diagnosis tricky, especially since emetophobes won't usually walk into a therapist's office and say, "Hey, I'm deathly afraid of throwing up." They often avoid all words related to vomit and won't talk about it, so they speak in vague terms about their fear, which can lead to an initial diagnosis of generalized anxiety.

Getting the correct diagnosis is vital, however, to getting the right kind of treatment.

Before we found a therapist who knew how to treat emetophobia, we utilized a website called emetophobiahelp.org. It's run by therapist Anna Christie, who suffered from emetophobia herself, and it's an excellent starting place for self-help.

One of the first things the website suggested was to have my daughter look at this:

V * * * *

Not the word "vomit," just the first letter with the rest of the letters as stars. That's how avoidant many emetophobes are about anything involving the idea of throwing up. We added one letter at a time—just looking at them, not even saying the word—until she worked up to reading the whole word, then saying it out loud until she could do it with minimal discomfort, then saying synonyms—puke, barf, upchuck, and so on. The day my daughter could say "vomit" and "puke" without hesitation was a huge milestone.

Incremental exposure like that, eventually leading up to watching videos of people vomiting and pretending to throw up yourself, is one part of treatment. (Successful treatment doesn't require actually throwing up, by the way. Nor is vomiting a cure for the phobia. It's common for people to think, "Oh, if they just throw up and see it's not that bad, then they'll get over it," but that's not how it works. Generally speaking, an emetophobe vomiting without undergoing the mental changes needed to process it will not resolve the phobia.)

The other part of treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). This is the retraining of the brain to manage the fearful thoughts. There are various elements of this part of treatment, including learning how the amygdala—the fear center in your brain—works and how to purposefully interact with it. Through various thought-feeling-behavior exercises, you learn how to diffuse the fear and stop inadvertently reinforcing it. (There's some evidence that EMDR can also be helpful for people with emetophobia.)

As her parents, we had to learn how the behaviors we thought were helping our daughter actually weren't. Telling her over and over again that food was fine seemed like the logical counter to her repeated requests for reassurance, but really, we were reinforcing her need for reassurance, which then reinforced the anxiety. We had to learn to tell her once, and only once, that something smelled or tasted fine and then stop responding. We had become avoidant of talking about vomit in front of her because it seemed so traumatizing—that wasn't helpful either.

So much of what we've learned in treating emetophobia is counterintuitive. That's true of treating most anxiety disorders, but with emetophobia, the behaviors are so specific it's important to find a therapist who understands how to treat it. It also can be hard to find a therapist who is familiar with it. Most we have called have never heard of it or never treated it.

Anna Christie's website is a good place to start your search. It has a list of therapists who specialize in treating emetophobia. She also has recommendations for finding a therapist if there aren't any on her list near you. We're in a rough time for finding therapists right now, though, as so many are booked out for months and aren't accepting new patients.

For self-help, an incredibly helpful book also came out last year. It has been a lifeline for my daughter, as her therapist moved out of state and we have struggled to find another to complete her treatment. "The Emetophobia Manual" by Ken Goodman, L.C.S.W. is basically a whole course of therapy in book form, complete with exercises and exposures. It's so good, I can't recommend it highly enough.

The good news is, emetophobia is treatable and there are more and more resources available for people who suffer from it. But it starts with getting the correct diagnosis, which is often the hardest part of the process.

This article originally appeared two years ago.

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