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10 former bullies share what inspired them to become kinder

Change is possible.

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Bullying is often modeled by parental behavior.

Bullies are made, not born. Bullying traits might be picked up in a variety of ways, but violence, aggression and cruelty are most certainly learned behaviors during a child’s development.

The book “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Child and Adolescent Psychology,” co-authored by psychiatrist Jack C. Westman M.D. and science writer Victoria Costello, lists five major factors that most often lead to bullying: physical punishment, watching aggressive behavior in adults, violent television, problems with processing emotions and undiagnosed mental illness.

The underlying theme in these causes? A lack of empathy. Bullies are often taught—whether directly or subversively—that dominance and control are more vital than compassion and understanding. This results in pain for not only the intended target, but for the oppressor themselves.

how to stop a bullyHurt people hurt people. Photo by yang miao on Unsplash

But just as it can be learned, bullying can be unlearned—through supportive friendships, trusted role models and maybe even professional help. People are always capable of change when given the necessary tools to do so.

Recently, a Reddit user asked former bullies (and former “mean girls,” for as we all know this is not necessarily a gender-specific phenomenon) to share what “finally brought a change.”

The answers were inspiring. They not only showed that yes, the adage is true, “hurt people hurt people,” but also that powerful transformation can happen simply by taking accountability. Many of these former bullies admitted to growing up in less-than-ideal environments and did not know any other way to cope. But eventually they were given fresh insight, and with that were better able to choose kindness.

The world might seem like a cold and uncaring place at times, but these 10 stories are a beautiful reminder that change is always possible.

“Wasn't really a bully but I wasn't nice either. I…was mean to people who I thought deserved it, and it didn't help that there were also other people who were just as mean and judgmental as I was. It got to the point that I was needlessly fighting my friends and only when I was confronted about my attitude and I got to hear my friend's perspective that I shifted.

…Took a lot of time and educated myself on how to be better. Also therapy lol. Anger management, anxiety management, etc. I couldn't erase who I was and I accept that part of me. I'm not saying I'm all perfect now…I know there's still a lot of work to do, but all in all it's loads better than before. I'm glad I had the chance to grow up and get better." – @AnxiousCrownNinja

“Right after high school was the turning point for me… I was having a lot of discord with my own friends due to my attitude and it took hearing their honest feedback about how my approach was alienating them for me to start doing major self reflection. I decided I didn't want people to fear me and I certainly didn't want to alienate my own friends, so I started talking less and listening more. I made an honest effort to care more about people as individuals-I got interested in the unique strengths each person brings to the table and did what I could to start learning from others. I humbled myself a lot over the years. I worked on saying I'm sorry and admitting when I was wrong. And years later I've gotten into therapy to continue to work on myself. I'll never be warm and fuzzy as that's just not my personality, but I'm a much better person than I was when I was younger.” – @Babhak

“Was essentially bullied at home by my family and I took it out on those around me. Thankfully I had some friends that let me know I was being a dick and I apologized to the people I hurt, I'll always hate myself for the way I acted and I don't think that will ever change. I still catch myself being a grumbling asshole sometimes but I will never let myself be who I used to be.” – @raikonai

“I got a job as a video game tester and worked with people who were bullied when they were younger. We'd tell stories and things I found funny they found traumatic and mean. As cliche as it is, I never thought about it from their perspective or thought my behavior was bullying until then. Helped me see it from the other side, I'm much more empathic now. Pretty ashamed about my behavior when I was younger.” – @GCJallDAY

“When I realized I was just like my dad, and I really dislike my dad.” – @kastawamy

what cause bullying, cyberbullying

We don't have to become our parents.

Photo by Muhmed Alaa El-Bank on Unsplash

“I come from a small town where families have generational feuds. It also didn't help that my family is poor and very ghetto/redneck and very racially mixed. All of my aunts and uncles and parents are some form of addict in one way or another. I didn't have a chance. I truly didn't. The kids I went to school with weren't allowed to hang out with me and my siblings. I remember going to a friend's house and their parents asked me my last name and they told me to leave once they heard it. I was severely bullied in elementary school and teachers didn't care to help because of the family I came from. I had one teacher just be vicious to me because my mom was selling her kid weed. I was pretty much feral and didn't have manners and just in general an autistic kid.

So I quickly learned that anger was the best shield. I bullied my bullies back. They can't catch you off guard if you're the attacker. I fought the people who came at my family with as much violence as they gave me. It bled onto kids who were friends with my bullies. They turned into essentially collateral damage. I was a bully but I was also the blood in the water in a school system that encouraged violence. It's taken me a long time to deal with [what] my home town put me through. I switched towns and changed my name. That helped a lot. I ended up in juvy after a giant fight with several family members. To say I was scared straight is an understatement. I was required to go to group therapy as part of the program I was put in to reform me. The judge knew my family and gave me a shot I took advantage of. He played a huge role in my mindset on my circumstance. I learned how to handle my trauma in a more productive way over the course of years and so much hard work. I ended up having to change my name so I wouldn't be harassed by cops and those who knew my family.

I'll definitely say this again—I grew up in a system where you had to do everything you could to survive. I can't really stomach what I did…I've left apologies in so many inboxes as an adult. I've even made friends with some of them.” – @beastgalblue

“Over time and with new experiences, I stopped hating myself and my life. Then, I started seeing value in my existence and realized I actually impacted people. Happiness, for myself and others, became my reason for living. My middle school health teacher used to tell us that bullies are hurting and that's why they bully. Miss Costello, wherever you are, you were right. I've never met a bully who was happy with themselves or their life. I tell my students all the time that hurt people hurt people, and I stand by that. The fastest way to help a bully change is to show them love, kindness, and compassion.” – @mha3620

“I was a mean girl. Cheer, popular, thought I was better than everyone else. During summer break in high school I went to camp. I was bullied by some of the other girls there so relentlessly. From hazing, to humiliating me, lying to get me in trouble. It was bad. After that I changed. Wish it was earlier.” – @lesbomommy

means girls, girl bullies

Learning from mistakes is all part of the human experience.

Photo by Scotty Turner on Unsplash

“I was one of those jocks who picks on the weaker kids who couldn’t really defend themselves, in order to make the crowd laugh…It was never anything too physical or over the top, so parents or others never got involved, but I know that I made life a pain for some individuals while in elementary school.

Anyhow, this PE teacher of mine took me into his office after hours one day and explained that I should try to use my authority better, and that while it might feel good to make others laugh on someone else's behalf, it feels a lot better to be an overall good guy.

Never really had any good male influence in my life before that, so that really stuck with me, and from high school and onward I tried to reach out and confront others in school that bullied others. Oftentimes we just don’t know better.” – @KingBob3922

“I grew up in an abusive home and did it out of self-protection. Verbally hurt them before they could hurt you. I know my behavior didn’t make me popular or really make me feel better but I needed to lash out on the easiest targets. fast forward to having no friends in my mid 20 s and needed to figure out why.

I actually became friends with older coworkers [and] as a proxy parental influence they gently guided me. ‘Why would you say that to someone? Why would you say that about yourself? Why do you talk that way? Why is everything a fight? What's wrong with being different? What's wrong with making mistakes?’ No judgments, just gentle questions that I couldn't answer until I looked hard at myself.

I'm glad that someone took the time to see past my anger, my pushing people away, my misery and saw a young person that just needed some kindness.” – @OrdinaryPride8811

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Stanford researchers find a single question could be the key to changing someone's mind

Curiosity goes a lot further than we might think.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity
Photo credit: Canva

How do you get someone to open their minds to another perspective?

The diversity of humanity means people won't always see eye to eye, and psychology tells us that people tend to double down when their views are challenged. When people are so deeply entrenched in their own perspectives they're refusing to entertain other viewpoints, what do we do?

Frequently, what we do falls into the "understandable but ineffective" category. When we disagree with someone because their opinion is based on falsehoods or inaccurate information, we may try to pound them with facts and statistics. Unfortunately, research shows that generally doesn't work. We might try to find different ways to explain our stance using logic and reasoning, but that rarely makes a dent, either. So often, we're left wondering how on Earth this person arrived at their perspective, especially if they reject facts and logic.

According to Stanford researchers, turning that wondering into an actual question might be the key.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Questions are more effective than facts when it comes to disagreements.Photo credit: Canva

The power of "Tell me more."

Two studies examined how expressing interest in someone's view and asking them to elaborate on why they hold their opinion affected both parties engaged in a debate. They found that asking questions like, "Could you tell me more about that?” and ‘‘Why do you think that?" made the other person "view their debate counterpart more positively, behave more open-mindedly, and form more favorable inferences about other proponents of the counterpart’s views." Additionally, adding an expression of interest, such as, ‘‘But I was interested in what you’re saying. Can you tell me more about how come you think that?” not only made the counterpart more open to other viewpoints, but the questioner themselves developed more favorable attitudes toward the opposing viewpoint.

In other words, genuinely striving to understand another person's perspective by being curious and asking them to say more about how they came to their conclusions may help bridge seemingly insurmountable divides.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Asking people to elaborate leads to more open-mindedness.Photo credit: Canva

Stanford isn't alone in these findings. A series of studies at the University of Haifa also found that high-quality listening helped lower people's prejudices, and that when people perceive a listener to be responsive, they tend to be more open-minded. Additionally, the perception that their attitude is the correct and valid one is reduced.

Why curiosity works

In some sense, these results may seem counterintuitive. We may assume that asking someone to elaborate on what they believe and why they believe it might just further entrench them in their views and opinions. But that's not what the research shows.

Dartmouth cognitive scientist Thalia Wheatley studies the role of curiosity in relationships and has found that being curious can help create consensus where there wasn't any before.

“[Curiosity] really creates common ground across brains, just by virtue of having the intellectual humility to say, ‘OK, I thought it was like this, but what do you think?’ And being willing to change your mind,” she said, according to the John Templeton Foundation.

discussion, debate, disagreement, conversation, communication, curiosity Curiosity can help people get closer to consensus. Photo credit: Canva

Of course, there may be certain opinions and perspectives that are too abhorrent or inhumane to entertain with curious questions, so it's not like "tell me more" is always the solution to an intractable divide. But even those with whom we vehemently disagree or those whose views we find offensive may respond to curiosity with more open-mindedness and willingness to change their view than if we simply argue with them. And isn't that the whole point?

Sometimes what's effective doesn't always line up with our emotional reactions to a disagreement, so engaging with curiosity might take some practice. It may also require us to rethink what formats for public discourse are the most impactful. Is ranting in a TikTok video or a tweet conducive to this shift in how we engage others? Is one-on-one or small group, in-person discussion a better forum for curious engagement? These are important things to consider if our goal is not to merely state our case and make our voice heard but to actually help open people's minds and remain open-minded in our own lives as well.

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Leo Tolstoy's two-sentence diary entry from 1851 perfectly sums up young, impulsive love

Some experiences are totally relatable throughout time.

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Leo Tolstoy as a young man in 1848 (left), Tolstoy as an old man on a horse (right)

Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace and Anna Karenina are widely regarded as literary masterpieces, but Tolstoy wrote a lot more than just epic novels in his lifetime. The prolific author produced novellas, short stories, plays, folk tales, parables, and multiple books' worth of philosophical essays. He also kept a diary, which includes one of the shortest and most relatable stories of all time.

On January 25, 1851, the 23-year-old Tolstoy, who had not yet published any of his great works, wrote a two-sentence entry:

"I've fallen in love or imagine that I have; went to a party and lost my head. Bought a horse which I don't need at all."

It's a tale as old as time. You're young, you show up at an event, and love (or something like it) smacks you upside the head out of nowhere. As a result, you momentarily lose your mind and do something totally illogical and impulsive. So many people have been there, and it's somehow comforting to see someone so well known experience it so long ago.

At the same time, there's the hilarity of not quite knowing whether he's referring to falling in love with a woman or with a horse, because it really could be either. We know he loved horses. But did he meet a woman who made him lose his mind so much that he impulsively bought a horse? Or was he introduced to a horse he fell in love with at first sight?

There's also a delightful irony in a writer known for the length of his largest work (War and Peace is over 1,000 pages) telling such a concise story. Just two sentences, and people are like, "Yep, totally relatable."

Other famous brief diary entries throughout history

Aaron Burr, the famous slayer of Alexander Hamilton, once wrote in his private journal about blowing a wad of money:

"London, February 1, 1812. Have spent 14 shillings and 6 pence magnificently; i.e., like an ass."

That was not a lone entry, but rather the first line of one, and still quite notable on its own.

People tend to venerate famous historical figures to the point of forgetting they were still just human beings, as susceptible to the human condition as the rest of us. But this diary entry from Charles Darwin, the "father of evolution," having a bad day is a good reminder:

"But I am very poorly today and very stupid and hate everybody and everything."

And President Theodore Roosevelt famously wrote one of the most tragically brief diary entries on February 14, 1884, after his wife and mother both died within hours of one another. He wrote a large "X" at the top of the page, followed by the words, "The light has gone out of my life."

teddy roosevelt, u.s. president, diary entry, theodore roosevelt, history, famous diary entries Theodore Roosevelt's diary entry after his wife and mother died within hours of each other. upload.wikimedia.org

And perhaps the shortest famous diary entry of them all came from King Louis XVI of France on July 14, 1789. That was the day the Bastille was stormed, kicking off the French Revolution, and the king simply wrote, "Rien," which translates to "Nothing." The entry has often been pointed out as a funny bit of irony, or even as proof of how out of touch the king was with his subjects, but in reality, it was simply an indication that he hadn't gone hunting that day. Still pretty wild in hindsight, though.

Is diary keeping a lost art?

It used to be common for people to keep written diaries or journals, but that habit has largely fallen by the wayside in favor of digital archives and social media. We can now look back through our phones' camera rolls to recall what we did, and when and where we did it. But is that the same thing? Are we missing the written expression of our thoughts and feelings in real time?

Perhaps. A 2006 study of 107 young adults found that spending 15 minutes journaling twice in one week appeared to improve mental health. Participants were split into three groups: one asked to journal about a stressful event, one asked to draw, and a control group. Those who journaled saw a significant reduction in symptoms such as depression, anxiety, and hostility, especially if they were already distressed. Most of the participants had seldom journaled before.

Many other studies have confirmed the mental and emotional benefits of keeping a journal. Perhaps it's time for the ancient habit to make a comeback?

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Her groundbreaking theory on the origin of life was rejected 15 times. Then biology proved her right.

Lynn Margulis had the audacity to challenge Darwin. And we're lucky she did.

lynn margulis, lynn margulis symbiosis, biology, scientific breakthroughs, darwin, darwinism, women in science
Facts That Will Blow Your Mind/Facebook

A photo of Lynn Margulis.

Throughout her prolific and distinguished career, biologist Lynn Margulis made several groundbreaking contributions to science that we take for granted as common knowledge today. For example, she championed James E. Lovelock’s “Gaia concept,” which posited that the Earth self-regulates to maintain conditions for life.

But by far, her most notable theory was symbiogenesis. While it was first written off as “strange” and “aesthetically pleasing” but “not compelling,” it would ultimately prevail, and completely rewrite how we viewed the origin of life itself.

In the late 1960s, Margulis wrote a paper titled "On the Origin of Mitosing Cells," that was quite avant-garde. In it, she proposed a theory: that life evolved through organisms merging together to become inseparable.

In essence, cooperation is the driver of life, not competition and domination. This directly went against Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” principle that was considered gospel in scientific circles. Margulis’ paper was rejected by fifteen journals before getting accepted into the Journal of Theoretical Biology.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Time would be on Margulis’ side, however. By the late ‘70s and early ‘80s, research proved that the two major building blocks of plants and animals, chloroplasts and mitochondria were at one time independent bacteria. This solidified the fact that on a biological level, connection trumps autonomy for longevity. And now that fact is written in textbooks, with no real story of the adversity it overcame to get there.

While it is customary for most new scientific theories to be met with criticism, especially those that completely shift the current narrative, many have noted that sexism played a key part in Margulis’ initial lack of acceptance. On more than one occasion, she herself had hinted that women were seen as mothers and wives first, and scientists second. She recalled that while married to fellow scientist Carl Sagan that “Carl would finish his sentence, unperturbed” while she was expected to “handle all the duties of a 1950s housewife, from washing dishes to paying the household bills.”

And yet, Margulis would have other ideas that were controversial that had nothing to do with her gender. Most famously, she did not believe that AIDS was caused by HIV, and instead believed it was cause by a syphilis-causing type of bacteria, despite there already being decades of research proving otherwise. That view was seen as an endorsement of AIDS denialism, which undermined prevention and treatment effort. Then later in life, Margulis became a vocal proponent of 9/11 conspiracy theories suggesting government involvement the in Twin Towers attacks.

And yet, perhaps this is one of those “you gotta take the good with the bad” situations. Margulis’ inherent contrarian nature gave us both these unfounded, even harmful stances, in addition to entirely new paradigms that altered our understanding of life itself.

And if nothing else, it illuminated the need for science to include multiple points of view in order to unlock the truth. It seems life is, after all, about coming together.

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Guy kicks a single rock for 200 days to see if it'll become a perfect sphere. Here's how it went.

This guys takes the "go kick rocks" phrase very, very seriously.

shirtzenpantz, thrift store, portland, rocks, science, fun science, science experiment, wholesome, positive news
via @shirtzenpantz/Instagram

Day 5 of Christosphere's journey vs Day 200

When Portland-based Owen Gail isn’t selling thrifted clothing at his Shirtzenpantz store, he’s outside kicking rocks. Well, one rock in particular—a granodiorite named “Christosphere.”

Christosphere didn’t start off living up to his name. In fact, 200 days ago, he was 800 grams heavier, and much more angular. Attempting to bring a little bit of attention to his newly secured, yet fairly tucked away new brick-and-mortar, Gail recorded himself kicking Christosphere every day to see if that would make him perfectly round.

To say that Christopshere has been on a journey would be an understatement. He’s been kicked a whopping 210 collective miles across nine states, and was even thrown into the Detroit Lake on day 96. Gail apparently had a connection with the Detroit Lake Dam, which uses a special filter to collect rocks, so Christopshere was eventually recovered.

By day 200, nearly anyone would say that Christopshere, now with no edges to speak of, is indeed a sphere simply by looking at him. But to really put it to the test, Gail gathered 15 of Oregon’s “finest sphere experts” to discuss, Socratic-seminar style, as to whether or not that was an accurate assessment. Though two videos of the discussions have been posted so far, Christosphere’s fate remains hanging in the balance.

Regardless, Christopshere has proven to be a worthy mascot for Shirtzenpantz, due to his Internet fame. According to local news outlet Willamette Week, tourists come specifically seeking him out, and poems about him are offered for a discount. Business has been so good, thanks in part to Christopshere, that Gail and his twin brother were able to open up another location with a different gimmick: the “world’s largest” pair of pants.

Gail is now uniquely tasked with employing another person to kick an angular, volleyball-sized new “twin” to Christosphere in an attempt to get it to spherical proportions as well.

But beyond being a thoroughly weird and entertaining science experiment, (and an extremely clever marketing tactic), Christopshere is providing a bit of inspiration, especially back in May 2025 when Gail’s grandmother (and Shirtzenpantz regular), Juanita likened Christopshere’s journey to something incredibly human.

“This rock is in transition, just like many of you might be. Or like me, I'm transitioning to being old,” she said in the clip, holding Christopshere in her hands. “But here’s the thing: Before you become something different, you have a time when you are confused and maybe you don't know what day it is or what you want to do when you graduate from college and everyone is on your case.

“Take that time when you're being kicked around and decide that is part of the process,” she wisely concludes.

That’s right. Come for the rock kicking, stay for the heartwarming elderly wisdom. You’ll be in good company.

“Never knew when i started following the rock-kicking page that i’d be in my room sobbing at 1am some random wednesday night listening to grammy doling out actual wisdom about life 😭”

“I needed that. I can be a Katiesphere.”

“All right so here's my journey. I watched whatever video was day five of you kicking this rock around. That was fed to me by the algorithm. I was like all right what else does he got? So I went to your most recent which is this video that I'm commenting on. You just took me on one hell of a journey sir. I did not expect to get schooled. Give that old lady a hug for me.”

“What began as a stupid rock being kicked has become something I did not anticipate. I was not ready for such a deep and profound moment.”

You honestly never know what delightful, lucky, and insightful surprises are in store simply by following your whimsy. Perfect circle or not, Christopshere is offering a perfect lesson.

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Americans share the stereotypical foods non-Americans think they eat in gobs, but never really do

"They bring up deep fried butter when nobody I know has EVER ate it."

american food, americans, americans eating, american diet, favorite american food
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Two women eat cheeseburgers from a plate.

American food is filled with staples that are part of a thoroughly American diet. A 2025 YouGov survey on the most popular American dishes reported the following as the top five beloved foods in the U.S.: French fries; mashed potatoes; hamburgers; steak and baked potatoes; and cheeseburgers.

While most of these are indeed "stereotypical" American foods, non-Americans may often assume a lot about what Americans really eat. Grilled cheese? You bet. But fried butter? Think again. Kind of like how Americans think Chicken Parm is Italian.

In an enlightening conversation on Reddit, Americans were quick to correct non-Americans about the stereotypical foods they assume Americans adore. Here's what they had to say:

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"When people talk about food in the US (especially when calling it unhealthy) they bring up deep fried butter when nobody I know has EVER ate it. Even my dad, who, has traveled around a lot and eaten tons of stuff, has never had a bite." - velmiraZ

"Fruitcake enters the chat. And sloooooooowly digests, since who knows how long it's been sitting around…" - inter-realm

"Mayonnaise is eaten, even in what I'd consider large amounts here (potato salad, macaroni salad etc.), but I never understood why we got the stereotype for it. Every time I've been to Europe I've had to freaking scrape globs of mayo off of things I've ordered, and I like mayo. And absolutely nothing compares to the amount of mayo used in East Slavic countries. I've enjoyed those foods don't get me wrong, but every time I see 'Americans and their mayonnaise' I'm like ????" - currymuttonpizza

"I am from the states and in the 50's gelatin-based molded salads was a thing. My grandma in law makes Jello salads for every occasion. The worst was Jello with frozen peas, mayo, maraschino cherries, carrots and cheese. The ones that are just Jello and fruit are typically edible. I seriously never knew this was an actual thing until I married into a midwestern family." - flyislandbird, Difficult_Walk_6657

@marcosfunhouse

He has RISEN #vintage #recipe #easter #jello #jello4jesus

"Every time I see one of those pics of an 'American Food Section' from a European grocery store, they always have marshmallow fluff. I don't think I've ever used marshmallow fluff other than maybe making Rice Krispie Treats once or twice." - kywildcat44

"Spray cheese. I don't think I've ever eaten it, and can't remember ever seeing it in anyone's home. Someone is buying it, because it's available in stores, but it's not a commonly consumed food for most people." - kinetic_cheese

"In the US, it's probably Twinkies. I know people use the word Twinkies to cover a bunch of snack cakes, but I don't actually know anyone who's eaten a Twinkie in the last year." - Old_Studio_6079

"Mine is more City specific but Chicago and Deep Dish Pizza. It's really not that popular of a choice for most people. It's good once in a long while but 98% of the time myself and most others prefer a thin tavern style pizza. Deep Dish is really only popular with tourists." - wellohwellok

"Any of the novelty deep fried fair food. Oreos, twinkies, etc. You really only see them at fairs, and people have maybe one. I was with some friends and we split a fried Oreo between 3 people because we wanted to see what it tasted like, but one bite was enough." - DoMBe87

- YouTube www.youtube.com

"From the US: Sh*t on a Shingle, aka chipped beef on toast. It's a depression era struggle meal, and while I'm sure some people here do eat it, I never have and I've never met anyone who has, and I grew up in a poor part of the US." - Visible_Amphibian570

"Another American but coming from Iowa, corn. Sweet corn is great, but we don't really eat it constantly. Usually my family had it as a 'summer's almost over' treat. Most corn is dent corn which is used for flour, animal feed, and other corn products but directly, you can't just waltz into a field and eat it from the cob. Unless its sweet corn, which is more a small scale treat than industrial agriculture." - -Im_In_Your_Walls-

"It's not a USA think but a Colorado thing: Rocky Mountain Oysters. You often find them on the appetizer menu of restaurants that serve game meats like elk and bison. But we Coloradans mostly don't eat them, we just order them for out-of-state visitors and tell them they're a Colorado delicacy." - HudsonBunny

"Hamburgers and hotdogs. For us anyway, it's more an occasional cookout food, attending a live ball game food, or convenience on a road trip or rest stop, but not something we eat daily or even weekly." - BustThaScientifical

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