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This researcher who studies self-injury explains why people do it. And why he did it.

What do you think of when you hear the words "self-injury?"

You probably think of a middle-class, teenage girl cutting herself to get attention. That's the cliché, and it's all kinds of wrong.

Meet Dr. Stephen Lewis.

He's been researching self-injury — we're most familiar with it as cutting or burning — for over 10 years.

A quick definition: Self-injury is intentional damage to body tissue (that doesn't include body modifications like piercings, tattoos, and scarification) without suicidal intent. And far more people are doing it than you'd think.

What he and other experts found might surprise you: Self-injury happens equally across gender, ethnicity, and socioeconomic lines.

It's not just an issue in the U.S. either. Self-injury has emerged as a major global mental health concern.

Here's something else that might surprise you: Lewis isn't just an academic expert. He's a life expert. He lived it.

He used to self-injure, and he shared his experience with the world in his talk for TEDxGuelphU.

It took some soul-searching before Lewis decided to tell his story publicly. In the end, he told me, "I wanted to convey a sense of hope to those who presently struggle. I wanted them to know they are not alone and that recovery is possible."

"There is light at the end of the tunnel. As dark as it may seem, if you keep walking — you can find it," he says.

Like Lewis (and myself), 1 in 5 adolescents has engaged in self-injurious behavior at least once, and a quarter of them have done it repeatedly. It can start as young as age 12.

As Lewis put it, "Self-injury provided needed relief from that emotional turmoil I was feeling inside. It conveyed the words I could not."

It's an attempt to relieve overwhelming feelings of sadness, distress, or self-loathing. Most often, people do it to externalize inner pain, to make it tangible, or to stop feeling numb.

The relief that self-injury provides is only temporary, though, and it can develop an addictive quality: The longer it's used, the harder it is to stop (or to find another way to quell the pain).

There's also a tolerance factor: The more you self-injure, the shorter the period of relief. It makes for a cycle that's incredibly difficult to break.

So, how can we help stop the cycle of self-injury?

Whether you're someone who has self-injured or not, one of the most important things we can do is educate ourselves: The false cliches and stereotypes we carry around about self-injury affect those who do it, too.

When we characterize people who hurt themselves as crazy, manipulative, or attention-seeking, they're more inclined to feel ashamed and isolated. They live in fear of judgment, and that fear creates silence.

This silence means that many people feel hopeless and alone. While self-injury isn't, by definition, a suicidal behavior, it does elevate risk for suicide.

Without help, that silence and that hopelessness can be deadly.

Self-injury is a habit that's hard to break. One of the first steps toward ending the cycle is for us to allow the conversation to happen.

Four little words are all we need: "How can I help?"

That's what turned things around for Lewis:

"For me, this involved a willingness to not just ask for help, but to accept it —something I was not accustomed to. This help, for me, came from professionals. It came from friends, and it came from my family."

His story ends well. My story — as a fellow self-injurer — ends well, too. All of these stories can end well.

"Recovery is a process," said Lewis. "And not a linear one. I had good days and bad days, and on some bad days, I self injured again. But those bad days became fewer and farther between."

Nobody should suffer alone. We all have baggage, but we each bear the weight of our burdens differently.

We can help each other bear that weight if we're brave enough to listen and brave enough to start conversations that matter.

This is how we find better ways to heal. This is how we create hope for those who need it the most.

Watch Lewis' full talk:

Want more information on self-injury? Take a look at the Self-Injury Outreach and Support website.

Health

Conflict expert shares the 1 phrase you can use to stop an argument from happening

It'll make people agree with you, too.

via Canva/Photos

A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

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Motherhood

Mom admits she isn't perfect in a hilarious 'back-to-school’ sign she made for herself

She was done before the first day even started.

via Pexels

First day of school can be exhausting … but for who?

It’s back-to-school time and that means new school supplies, a trip to Target for clothes and social media channels flooded with photos of kids holding chalkboards. Over the past decade, back-to-school photos with kids standing on their doorsteps with signs with their name, grade, year and teacher have been ubiquitous on social media.

There’s nothing wrong with the photos, they’re a cute way for parents and kids to mark the passage of time. For most parents, it’s a way to remember that it all goes by way too fast.

However, for the “perfect” parents out there who like to flaunt their Instagrammable lifestyle, they’re another way to show off their “flawless” first days on social media.

In an attempt to show parents they don't have to fall for the myth of perfection on social media, Jeni Bukolt—a mother of two boys age 8 and 12 from Waxhaw, North Carolina—posted a first-day photo of herself looking burnt out and wearing sunglasses. School hadn’t even begun yet.

"Mom's first day of school,” the handmade sign read. "I am 42 years tired. I'll probably miss a school 'theme' day. I really like sleep. Please don't ask me to volunteer. But I will buy you supplies."

"I make signs for my kids each year but lately I've thought about how I always feel behind, as though I'm failing (in some way)," Bukolt told Today. Clearly, other parents feel the same because it was a hit with a lot of them on Instagram.

A lot of comments were from parents who thought the photo was a breath of fresh air during a stressful time of year. "Brilliant, you speak for millions!" cathycole wrote. "May we all survive the drop off/pick up lane," merakifitnessandpole added.

"I thought maybe if I can create a lighthearted moment, some other moms will laugh and understand we're all in this kind of struggle together. Like, let's have empathy for each other," Bukolt told Good Morning America.

Bukolt hopes her post builds an “empathy bridge” between parents. She’d also like to shine a little reality on the parents who feel judged on social media.

"I also feel like when you look at social media, there's all these, [picture perfect] worlds,” she added. “It's not the true story. And some people think like, 'Oh, they have it better or they're perfect,' and this is an opportunity to say no, we're all real human beings ... we're all in the struggle together."

But of course, there were some humorless parents who thought her post wasn’t supportive of teachers or her two sons. So Bukolt made a follow-up where she explained that she was just having fun.

“For the keyboard warriors… yes I do have a job, yes I love my kids and no, I don’t hate teachers. Back to work. Have a great day!” she wrote.

Parenting is hard and we all fall short of glory at times. Kudos to Bukolt for making us feel a little less alone and letting us know that some folks have already accepted their imperfections on the first day.

"If other moms can get a good laugh about it, then that makes my heart happy," she said.


This article originally appeared on 9.2.22

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Modern Families

Do you have a "living room family" or a "bedroom family"?

This 'debate' is all the rage on TikTok. But one is not better than the other.

alexxx1915/TikTok

TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid."

She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.





@alexxx1915

#livingroomfamily #fypシ

What are "living room families" and "bedroom families"?

This idea has been going around for a while on social media.

Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.

A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.

"Living room families" has become the latest aspirational term on TikTok. Everyone wants to be a living room family!

The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults.

"I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in livingroom. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.

"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another.

"You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.

There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.

In my own household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.

The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.

But the big twist is that it's also perfectly fine if your kids — and you! — like a little more solitary time.

boy playing with toys on the floorGavyn Alejandro/Unsplash

Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.

There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.

But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better.

Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house.

But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.

Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive.

Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.

So are you a living room family or a bedroom family? Turns out, it doesn't really matter, as long as your family loves each other and allows everyone to be exactly who they are.

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Pets

Woman discovers her tireless dog has secretly been playing fetch with the neighbors

Bounder is living the good life.

via brittneygoes/tiktok

Bounder playing fetch with his neighbor.

Every dog is different when it comes to playing fetch. Some have zero interest in playing, while others are obsessed with the game and won’t stop playing until their human friends force them to stop.

There are a lot of reasons why dogs love to play fetch. First, most dogs are genetically predisposed to chasing after objects that move, whether it’s a car or a squirrel. They also instinctually bring back prey to their dens.

“After a hunt, sometimes the wolf will carry the prey back to the den to be consumed safely with the pack, essentially ‘retrieving’ dinner for the family,” Katelyn Schutz, Certified Professional Dog Trainer of Wisconsin Pet Care, said according to BarkPost. “The game of fetch in our pet dogs is suggested to be a simple variation of this ‘prey-carrying’ behavior.”

Fetch also stimulates the reward centers in a dog’s brain, so once they get started playing they don’t want to stop. Bounder, Brittney Reynolds’ black Labrador, can’t get enough of catching and retrieving a tennis ball.

“He’s obsessed,” Reynolds told The Dodo. “He will play fetch until I make him stop.”


@brittneygoes

He brings it back to the edge of the fence. #blacklab #doglover #SeeHerGreatness

Bounders' obsession with the game led him to ask Reynolds’ neighbor to play fetch with him when she wouldn’t. She discovered the game had been going on in secret one day when she went outside to see why Bounder was barking and discovered he was asking the neighbor to play with him.

“The neighbor was sitting on his back patio with the ball gun on the table, and Bounder was staring him down and barking at him wanting to play,” Reynolds said. “I tried to tell him to stop barking, but the neighbor got up and started shooting the ball gun for him. It was just so cute. I went and thanked him for playing with my boy and found out that they had been doing this for a while.”

The neighbors had a ball gun to play fetch with their dog, Layla.

Reynolds shared a wholesome video of Bounder and the neighbor playing together and it went viral receiving over 6.8 million views. “Just found out my neighbor and my dog have been playing fetch together over the fence,” she captioned the video.

Some commenters thought the game was great for the dog and the neighbor, too. "I just watched all your videos on this and I'm in love with this story! Your dogs have new grandparents and they have a reason to stay active," Monica wrote.

"I hope that you know that allowing this is making that man’s day. You are a great neighbor and humanitarian. Thank you," another user wrote.

@brittneygoes

Caught the neighbor playing with a Bounder again. He looks forward to this. #goodneighbors #doglovers #Totinos425

“I am a huge dog lover, and it always makes me happy to see others treating dogs so well,” Reynolds said about her neighbor.

“Our dogs are our family, and I think you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat animals.” Reynolds shared a follow-up video that showed the over-the-fence fetch game is still happening.


This article originally appeared on 5.2.22

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Joy

A 30-year-old woman got dumped but hundreds cheered her up by sharing how they found love after 30

It's never too late to find love.

via Twitter

Couples who met after 30.

A lot of emotions rise to the surface after being dumped. It can leave a person feeling sad, lonely, confused, rejected and left with a sense that you’ll never find anyone again. People tend to think, “If that person couldn’t stick it out with me, then who will?”

However, most of the time, it’s irrational worry. There are more than a few billion people on the planet to choose from, you just gotta put yourself out there. But that’s a hard thing to hear when your feelings are still raw.

A study reported by The New York Times found that today, the old “plenty of fish in the sea” cliche is growing truer by the day. We are nearing a point where there will be more unmarried adults in the U.S. than those who have tied the knot.

The most recent Census data shows the share of American adults who were neither married nor living with a significant other had risen to 46.4%. So good news for you single folks, the dating pool just keeps getting deeper.

In 2020, Kelsey Huse, a software engineer from Austin, Texas, broke up with her boyfriend and at the age of 30, felt like she was never going to meet anyone again. “My bf broke up with me this week and I just wanna hear happy stories of ppl who found their partner in their 30s thanks,” she tweeted.

Huse received an avalanche of responses from people who shared pictures and stories about how they met their special people in their 30s and later, giving her plenty of hope for the future. Her tweet went mega-viral earning nearly 7,000 retweets and 150,000 likes.

Here are some of the best responses.


Huse couldn't believe the incredible responses she received and they really did lift her spirits.

Huse may not have known it at the time, but breaking up at 30 may have been a blessing in disguise. Studies show that people who get married later in life have better mental health than those who get hitched at a younger age.

According to family ecology researcher Matt Johnson, those who married at the same age as or later than their peers reported higher levels of happiness and self-esteem—and less depression—than those who married early.

"People who marry early tend not to get as much education, have kids earlier than is optimal, and as a result get locked into careers they hadn't aspired to. In mid-life they're a little more depressed—or have a lower sense of self-worth—not because they violated some societal norm, but because they started down the path to family life early,” Johnson said.

Huse's story shows that there is no time frame for love and that it’s possible to find the perfect person well after the age of 30. It also shows that even though Twitter gets a deserved bad rap for being a pretty hostile environment, every once in a while people come together to do something beautiful.

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