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She never dreamed having her picture taken to recruit engineers would turn out to be a controversy.

Is it really that hard to imagine software engineers can be ANYBODY?

When Isis Wenger agreed to be part of a recruiting campaign for engineers, she never imagined she'd face the controversy that arose.

Image courtesy of Isis Wenger.

What exactly was it about this image that had people clamoring to dissect her involvement? Did she say something messed up about engineering? Did she do something offensive in her pose? Check out the image and see if you can pick up on it.

Image courtesy of Isis Wenger.

Did you notice it yet? Well let me help you out: All of the hubbub is over what she looks like. Because she's a woman. And because she's photogenic by traditional standards, people have even more to say about her inclusion into the campaign.

Some Internet commenters had some weird and sometimes offensive responses to her ad. Well, I have some responses to them.

"If their intention is to attract more women then it would have been better to choose a picture with a warm, friendly smile rather than a sexy smirk."
— Annoying person on the Internet

So she smirked. The fact that you find it sexy is all happening in your head. That's not on her or the ad campaign.

"This is some weird haphazard branding. I think they want to appeal to women, but are probably just appealing to dudes. Perhaps that's the intention all along. But I'm curious [if] people with brains find this quote remotely plausible and if women in particular buy this image of what a female software engineer looks like. IDK. Weird."
— Equally annoying person on the Internet

This image lets women see a woman in a male-dominated profession and maybe be inspired by it. And yet somehow, her effort has been twisted into a male-centric view. She fits into the standard of what you've been programmed to deem attractive, guy, therefore, she must have been intended for your ocular consumption, right? It's also pretty telling that you didn't "buy this image" — since it turns out the image is real. She IS what a female engineer looks like. Because she is one. Duh.

But the really great part of the story comes next. Because Isis wrote about it, and then the hashtag #ILookLikeAnEngineer took off, showing that engineers come in all genders, shapes, skin colors, and sizes.

Image courtesy of Isis Wenger.


Now it looks like the #ILookLikeAnEngineer movement has raised enough money to put up a billboard in San Francisco, making an overt attempt to change the general public's mind about what engineers look like.

It even inspired me to start taking my own career-change aspirations seriously.

Today, I'm a writer. But, having thought about this seriously for awhile, who knows what tomorrow could bring? The campaign gives inspiration not just to female engineers who deserve to be seen, but also to me and the millions of people secretly asking themselves this question:

For the young girls, grown women, and people of color in your life who may just need that nudge of encouragement, seeing this could make a huge difference in their life's trajectory.

That is what one picture — and a great movement — can do.

Modern Families

Fed up parents explain why they 'never want to bring the kids over' to visit

Can't you guys come to us for once?

Photo by Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

It's a good news/bad news situation for parents of young kids.

The good news? Everyone wants to spend time with the kids! Grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends. They all want a relationship and lots of special moments with the little ones.

The bad news? One phrase:

"When are you bringing them over?"

Parents have been frustrated by the expectations of orchestrating stressful visits for generations — loading the kids in a car or on an airplane only to spend hours chasing them around in an un-baby-proofed environment and watching routines go to hell.

Now they're sounding off on social media and airing their grievances.

Why visiting grandparents and other relatives is so challenging for parents

A mom recently took to Reddit to vent about everyone in her life wanting her to "bring the kids to them."

"My parents live 30 mins away and always bug me about not coming to visit them," she writes. They constantly ask, "Why don't you bring our granddaughter to come see us?"

The fascinating discussion highlights a few things that make arranging visits with young kids a potential nightmare for parents.

Grandparents' houses are rarely childproofed

Grandparents love their breakable decor! Ceramic doo-dads, glass vases everywhere. They can't get enough. And while they should be able to decorate their house however they see fit (they've earned the right!) that doesn't make it a good environment for toddlers and babies.

Ceramic bowlsThe breakable decor found in every grandparents' houseozalee.fr/Flickr

"Last week was the last straw, I took my daughter to my parents and of course she went EVERYWHERE! flooded their toilet, broke a vase, and tried multiple times to climb their furniture," the Reddit mom writes.

Parents in a foreign environment are on constant safety duty and can rarely sit down

Let's be honest. Sometimes these "visits" are hardly worth the effort. After all, it's hard to get much catch up time when you're dutifully chasing your kid around.

"They don’t understand that my 3 yo ... is absolutely wild," writes another user in the thread. "She has no self preservation and nothing we do works. She doesn’t listen, she throws, she bites, she refuses to use the potty. It’s exhausting and then ... they expect us to entertain them, when I’m trying to just keep my kid from jumping off the stairs and into an ER visit."

Even just putting the kids in the car for a 20-minute drive is more work than it seems

Taking the kids out of the house requires packing a bag, bringing extra clothes, loading up on snacks, etc.

It seems easy to "pop over" but it actually absorbs the majority of the day between prep, visit, and aftermath.

Naps and routines go to hell

Parents with babies and toddlers know all too well — there is a price to pay for taking the kids out of the house for too long.

Chances are, the baby won't nap in a strange environment and then you're stuck with a cranky kid the rest of the night.

Kids with special needs require even more consistency

Kids with autism or ADHD can really struggle outside of their zone of safety. They might become severely dysregulated, have meltdowns, or engage in dangerous behaviors.

Explaining and mediating the generational divide

man in gray sweater sitting beside woman in black and white floral long sleeve shirt Photo by Tim Kilby on Unsplash

Why is this a conflict almost all parents can relate to?

Is this a Boomer vs Millennials thing?

Some experts think that generational values and traditions might play a role.

"Many Boomers were accustomed to more traditional, hierarchical family dynamics, where visiting grandparents was a way for the younger generation to show respect," says Caitlin Slavens, a family psychologist.

But that's not to say this is a new problem. I can remember my own parents driving me and my brothers over an hour to visit my grandparents seemingly every other weekend, but very few occasions where they came to visit us. It must have driven my parents nuts back then!

Plus, it's easy to forget that it's hard for older people to travel, too. They may have their own issues and discomforts when it comes to being away from their home.

"But for today’s parents, balancing careers, kids’ routines, and the demands of modern parenting is a much bigger undertaking. Grandparents might not always see how childproofing their space or making the trip themselves could make a huge difference, especially considering how travel and disruption can impact younger kids' moods and routines," Slavens says.

"So yes, this divide often comes down to different expectations and life experiences, with older generations potentially not seeing the daily demands modern families face."

Is there any hope for parents and grandparents coming to a better understanding, or a compromise?

"First, open conversations help bridge the divide—explain how much of a difference it makes when the kids stay in a familiar space, especially when they’re very young," suggests Slavens.

"Share practical details about the challenges, like childproofing concerns or travel expenses, to help grandparents see it from a parent’s perspective. You might even work together to figure out solutions, like making adjustments to create a more child-friendly space in their home or agreeing on a shared travel plan."

Ultimately, it's a good thing when grandparents, friends, and other relatives want to see the kids.

We all have the same goal.

"It’s helpful to approach the topic with empathy, focusing on everyone’s goal: more quality time together that’s enjoyable and low-stress for everyone involved. For parents, it’s about setting boundaries that work, and for grandparents, it’s about recognizing that flexibility can really show the parents that you are ... willing to make adjustments for their children and grandchildren."

Enjoyable, low-stress quality time — that's something everyone can get behind.

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Joy

Nurse turns inappropriate things men say in the delivery room into ‘inspirational’ art

"Can you move to the birthing ball so I can sleep in the bed?"

via @Hollyd_rn/TikTok

Holly the delivery nurse.

After working six years as a labor and delivery nurse Holly, 30, has heard a lot of inappropriate remarks made by men while their partners are in labor. “Sometimes the moms think it’s funny—and if they think it’s funny, then I’ll laugh with them,” Holly told TODAY Parents. “But if they get upset, I’ll try to be the buffer. I’ll change the subject.”

Some of the comments are so wrong that she did something creative with them by turning them into “inspirational” quotes and setting them to “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton on TikTok.

“Some partners are hard to live up to!” she jokingly captioned the video.

The first video featured the following facepalm-inducing quotes:

“I think you should just get a C-section. This is taking too long.”

“How long is this gonna take? I have plans this weekend.”

“Are you sure you want an epidural? My mom didn’t have one. Before you make a decision, we should talk about it.”

“Sew an extra stitch down there for me, doc. We want everything just the way it was before all of this.”

@hollyd_rn

Part 1: Some partners are hard to live up to! Get you a good one #laboranddelivery #labor

It’s unbelievable that anyone would make such selfish comments while their partner is in the throes of giving birth. Anyone who would ask, “How long is this gonna take?” definitely isn’t prepared to raise a child.

Some TikTok users thought that these women should have left their partners right there in the delivery room.

"LOL immediate divorce, I'm not joking," Rig wrote. Little_n_often agreed saying, "I’d be getting the divorce papers ready."

“I would sign the divorce papers while in labor and pushing,” another commenter wrote.

The video was a massive hit on TikTok, receiving over 10 million views. So, the nurse followed it up with a sequel where she shared more “inspirational” delivery room quotes from men.

@hollyd_rn

Part 2: some partners are hard to live up to! Get you a good one! #laboranddelivery #babydaddy #labor

"Wake me up when the baby gets here I'm tired." (Rolls over, puts cover over head and slept thru the birth of his baby.)

"Can you move to the birthing ball so I can sleep in the bed?"

(As the patient is pushing) "Do you guys do DNA tests here? My mom wants me to get one before we leave."

"Call me when you're about to have the baby. I'm gonna go with [name redacted] to the bar and watch the game."

Holly also told TODAY Parents that men should also keep their thoughts on pain medication to themselves and to stop looking at the contraction monitor and making comments.

“She can feel it!” Holly said. “You don’t need to ask her if she felt it. Trust me, she did.”

Holly’s public airing of men’s bad behavior had to be therapeutic, because, as a nurse, she can’t tell them off in the delivery room. But it's also a warning to men out there on how not to behave when their partners are giving birth. If there was ever a time in the world to stop thinking about yourself, it’s while your partner is giving birth.

Remember guys, think before you say anything in the delivery room, the nurses are listening.


This article first appeared on 09.23.22

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Health

Conflict expert shares the 1 phrase you can use to stop an argument from happening

It'll make people agree with you, too.

via Canva/Photos

A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

relationships
Family

Mom recalls the uncomfortable moment an older man complimented her 6-year-old's appearance

When she didn't say "thank you," he accused her of having bad manners.

@yourejustliz/TikTok

“Nice is different than kind."

It might have been pretty universally accepted during our childhood for daughters to be expected to reciprocate affection from adults, whether they liked it or not. A non consensual kiss to grandparents here, a forced “thank you” there. But times have changed.

However, this change in parenting style can sometimes make for some, well, awkward or even downright uncomfortable situations as moms and dads try to advocate for this kid’s autonomy.

Recently, a mom named Liz Kindred detailed just such an incident with her six year old daughter, which has a whole lotta other parents discussing how to navigate these unideal interactions.

As she recalls in a video posted to TikTok, Kindred was waiting in line with her daughter when a grown man turned around and said “My goodness, you sure are pretty” to the child.

“My six-year-old is gorgeous, yes, but she is also very in tune and perceptive, and she's an introvert so she grabbed my leg really tight,” Kindred said.

Doubling down, the man repeated himself, saying “You sure are pretty. Look at those blue eyes,” which only made her shy daughter grab her leg harder.

Noting that being in a 12 step program has taught her to be less “knee jerk reactionary,” the mom bit her tongue and offered a polite smile to the man, hoping that would be the end of it. It wasn’t.


@yourejustliz I need to get my brows done
♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System


“He's a boomer and, God love him, he said, ‘I guess your mom didn't teach you manners.’ And I let out an uncomfortable little [chuckle], and the pause was long. It was long. And under his breath he said, ‘Guess not,’” she said.

In what she called the most ”Jesus loving way” she could muster, while still bluntly making her point, Kindred told the man "If you assume that I didn't teach my six-year-old daughter to say ‘thank you’ to a grown, consenting man when he compliments her appearance, then you would be correct."

What followed was the “longest silence” of Kindred’s life.

The video, which has been viewed over 6 million times now, prompted a ton of parents to share how their own kids have established boundaries in similar situations—with their support, of course.

“An old man called my 4 yr old daughter a sweetheart at the store…she boldly responded ‘I am NOT YOUR sweetheart!’ I was so proud,” on person recalled.

Another added, “My 3 year old says ‘NO THANK YOU MY BODY DOESN’T LIKE TAHT.’”

Still another said “My 2 yo knows the boundaries song and just starts singing that anytime someone talks to her.”

While the response to Kindred’s video was overwhelmingly positive, there were a few comments defending the man as simply being “kind.” This prompted Kindred to do a follow-up video doubling down on her decision.

In the clip, she shared how she herself has dealt with seemingly innocent compliments in her life from men, which later turned into something else. Feeling like she “didn’t have a voice” to say something, “because I’m a nice Christian, Southern girl,” Kindred ended up being in unsavory situations (she didn't explicitly say what those situations were, but it's easy enough to piece together). She doesn’t want her daughter to have the same issues.


@yourejustliz #stitch with @Liz Kindred ♬ Succession (Theme Song) - The Theme System

“Nice is different than kind. The kind thing to do is to teach our daughters and our children in this next generation that when you are uncomfortable with something you listen to your body and you set a firm boundary with that and you provide language around that. And you start that really really young.”

Yep. Well said.


This article originally appeared on 8.8.24

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Science

23-year-old brilliantly explains 'foolproof' system to compare news sources

Properly processing a newspaper article isn't something younger generations have been taught.

kelscruss/TikTok

Gen Z, we're all begging you: Please don't get your news from TikTok. Unless you're following Kelsey Russell, that is. The 23-year-old Columbia grad has found a fascinating niche on social media — helping young people learn how to read and analyze actual news. The paper kind, believe it or not!

She calls herself "the girl who reads the newspaper", and the title couldn't be more apt. In most of her content, she takes a news article from a big paper like the New York Times and breaks it down for her audience in their terms. She helps them understand the news, the context behind it, and why they should think critically about the source behind the news.

It's a skill that younger generations desperately need more of. Studies show there are major gaps in Gen Z's media literacy skills, and that can have major consequences.

In one of Kelsey's most popular videos, she breaks down her "foolproof" method for contrasting and synthesizing different news sources.

It's a system she learned from various teachers throughout her life, who she gratefully shouts out in the video. And though it's designed to help young people who need to write an essay for school while using evidence from supporting texts, it doubles as an amazing lesson in how to think critically about the news.

In the lesson, Kelsey examines the same news story across three different papers: The New York Times, USA Today, and The Wall Street Journal.

Even without getting into the text of each article, Kelsey teaches viewers how to infer meaning, bias, and context from word choices in the headline.

Watch the full video for some excellent tips on how to reflect on what you've read and identify differences in news coverage.

@kelscruss

ima make your english teacher shed a tear😢 #fyp #medialiteracy #mcarthy #writingtips

What's amazing is that she really sits with the content of each news story and thinks about how it makes her feel.

She does some mental association with the headlines. What stands out to me about each one? How do they differ in their tone? What feelings or thoughts do the different word choices conjure up?

She uses the comparisons to create a thesis statement about the news story and how it's being covered by the media.

To older generations who grew up reading news article, these seem like really basic concepts.

But to younger people who get rapidly bombarded with an endless feed of different shortform news and opinions on social media and the web, taking time to process what they've read or heard is not something that comes easy.

What's really impressive is that Kelsey's approach is working and actually connecting with people. Reading the newspaper might sound like a boring idea for a TikTok channel, but that hasn't stopped Kelsey from racking up nearly 100k followers and millions of views.

Kelsey is meeting young people where they are to teach crucial skills like reading comprehension and critical thinking.

@kelscruss

like I knew about da bombs but the cluster bomblets?!??! #fyp #syrian #newyorktimes #ukraine #russia

She's challenging young people to not just take what they read at its exact face value but to dig deeper into the tone, the intention, the word choice.

And she's an advocate for reading news that you can hold in your hand.

"I realized when I read the news on print, I actually had time to process what was going on," she told NPR. "And when I would read the same article on my phone I would find my body [was] overwhelmed."

Most kids and young people get their news from friends and family or social media, where it can be much harder to diagnose misinformation and bias. That's not likely to change any time soon, and there is major power in social media's ability to spread messages far and wide, quickly. That's what makes Kelsey's work so amazing. There are a lot of campaigns and efforts out there to try to get young people more engaged with traditional news, but there aren't many people willing to meet them where they are, speak their language, and teach them with empathy and understanding.

Gen Z and Gen Alpha will decide future elections. Even the future of the world.

It's reassuring to know there are people fighting to make sure they have all the facts.

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