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My black is beautiful. That's why I edited my photo using new filters for people of color.

My skin is brown so sometimes I look weird in photos.

Usually, I'm rendered virtually invisible, either by my surroundings or poor light.
Or thanks to filters and edits, I'm completely washed out — an ashy or jaundiced version of myself. It's not a good look.

With a few friends ahead of the Rose Bowl in 2011. At least my glasses and shadow showed up.

If you're taking pictures while brown — and there are a lot of us — there's a good chance you've experienced this too.

47% of African-American and 38% of Hispanic people online use Instagram. (The figure is around 21% for white internet users.) However, the filters and features that make the tool so fun to use often make the skin of black and brown people look pale, aged, or washed out.

Except you, Hefe. You never let me down. Filters by Instagram. Photo by the author.

That's because the film photography aesthetics Instagram mimics weren't created with people of color in mind.

It all dates back to something called the Shirley cards, named after a former Kodak studio model. Decades after the original Shirley left Kodak, the cards featured a white woman often in a brightly colored dress.

GIF via Vox/YouTube.

The technician would adjust the colors of the printer to match the model's skin tone. And this color balance was applied to everyone's film, regardless of their complexion.

So for decades, people of color were quite literally edited out of the pictures.

While the original Shirley card gave way to more diversity and eventually to digital photography, the resurgence of this classic aesthetic means the problems of early film are back with a vengeance.

But all is not lost. Not even close. Because now, there's Tōnr.

Conceived by product engineers and designers of color for Vox Media's Hackathon, Tōnr is a new web application with filters that showcase and highlight the richness and beauty of darker complexions.

"I haven’t been lucky when using filters in the common photo apps: they wash me out, add to much contrast, and are generally unflattering," said Pamela Assogba, full stack engineer at Vox Media and member of the Tōnr team, via email. "I think my skin tone is great, and deserve better treatment, so working on a solution made sense, especially because a lot of people could benefit from it."

Image via iStock.

The team of Vox engineers and designers came together for two and a half days of intense work, creating melanin-flattering photo filters using JavaScript and Photoshop.

"When I first started formulating the filters, I made sure to start with darkest skin first and work my way backwards," said designer Brittany Holloway-Brown. "It's important to pay attention to the margins of marginalized communities and to let them know that their faces, their bodies, their thoughts matter. It's a very small push against the heavy status quo."

Holloway-Brown researched fashion spreads, photography, and plenty of selfies on social media to see how people of color were lit and portrayed. "My focus was on emphasizing the color, enhancing undertones and heightening the saturation of the skin," she said via email.

On desktop or mobile, users can apply one of Tōnr's 12 filters to their photograph.

There's no upload required, so the photo never leaves your device. Once it's edited, users can upload their pictures to Instagram for additional edits or share them with their networks as they are.

"Tōnr is an act of love, expression, resistance, and passion because this is an application that tells me and people that look like me that we matter, even if society tends to say different," said Assogba.

Image via iStock.

As a woman of color with a fondness for the occasional selfie, I decided to try Tōnr out for myself.

While none of the filters made me look like Kerry Washington (technology is only so powerful), most of them did bring out the warm tones in my skin. If nothing else, I had more options and starting points than ever before.

I'm not a Sorbet girl, but consider Strut my filter of choice for summer '16. Filters by tōnr. Photo by the author.

Though Tōnr is still in its infancy, the team is all about reaching more people of color, both as users and creators.

The team hopes to add more filters, and a mobile application for iOS and Android is on the table. But for now, they're reaching out to other developers and creators for their ideas and input.

"We made the app open source so that others who are down for the cause can make contributions to this project," said designer Alesha Randolph.

Assogba added, "I’m really excited to see other people of color dig into the open source code and build filters or propose features for an app built with them in mind."

Everyone, regardless of complexion, deserves to look and feel their best. Here's hoping this tool, and others yet to come, help all of us do just that.

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Education

Youth interest in STEM peaks around age 11. UScellular wants to change that.

Kids are losing interest in STEM subjects between ages 11 and 15. Here's what that means for future innovation.

Photo courtesy of UScellular

Kids on a field trip learn from Sania Naseem, Senior RF Planning Engineer at UScellular.

Imagine being a 12-year-old girl in a small town who’s interested in computers. You’ve learned a bit of programming online, but you don’t know anyone who works in the tech field and your school district doesn’t have the kinds of classes you need to explore further.

How likely would you be to keep and pursue that interest?

Since the internet changed everyone’s lives in the 1990s, there’s been a push for Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) education. Universal reliance on technology has made STEM careers not just desirable but vital, and the speed at which those fields are moving means we need young people to stay interested in them.

Research indicates that we’ve largely succeeded in reaching kids when they’re young—children demonstrate a deep fascination with STEM subjects up to age 11. But something shifts during adolescence. Past age 11, interest in STEM starts to wane, often dissipating by age 15.

The question is why.

To get to the bottom of this STEM age/interest gap mystery, wireless carrier UScellular partnered with developmental psychologist and researcher Richard Rende, Ph.D. Through a state-of-the-art analysis of the research, Dr. Rende helped uncover the barriers that prevent youth—particularly girls and those living in rural communities—from maintaining and nurturing their interest in STEM.

kids walking with an adult guide near a school busStudents taking a STEM field tripPhoto courtesy of UScellular

Dr. Rende found that keeping kids from losing STEM interest as they become teens requires programs that are equitable, relatable, relevant and supportive.

Here’s what those four drivers look like in practice:

Equitable

- Bringing STEM programs to rural areas that don’t have access to advanced courses or school-based curriculum
- Countering the notion that STEM isn’t for everyone and offering buffers for when kids are confronted with stereotypes or biases

Relatable

- Exposing girls to women in STEM professions who share similar backgrounds in smaller and rural communities
- Having STEM professionals share their experiences growing up so youth don’t see them as “superheroes” doing something unattainable

Relevant

- Programs and field trips that demonstrate how STEM is applied, especially in ways that connect to the local environment or technology kids already use
- Incorporating kids’ voices to help guide the elements of a program

Supportive

- Provide supportive mentorship, especially when projects become more complicated and require emotion regulation and resilience
- Teach cognitive skills that will help kids believe they have the capacity to succeed in STEM subjects

kids on a STEM field trip Kids learning about cell towers from Cheryl Dennard, Senior Manager of Core Services Engineering at UScellularPhoto courtesy of UScellular

To test out his findings before sharing them with the world, Dr. Rende worked with UScellular’s non-profit partner, YWCA, which has an after-school and summer program called TechGYRLS, designed to inspire girls in grades 3 to 8 to consider future careers in STEM fields. Together they created a refreshed STEM program guide incorporating Dr. Rende’s research and worked with focus groups at various YWCA locations to get feedback.

“What we see to date is that programming and mentoring to ‘train’ kids to be STEM people is not always enough to sustain and encourage interest during the transition to adolescence, especially for underserved youth,” says Dr. Rende. “We need to help them see the opportunities in STEM that spark their curiosity and gain belief that they can confidently explore all the possibilities available to them in STEM, including those that go beyond the traditional STEM careers like mathematician or scientist. It could be a vet, a nurse, wireless network engineer, arborist, audio engineer, turf scientist, or mechanical engineer and may not be a career that requires years and years of higher education.”

After-school enrichment programs like YWCA’s TechGYRLS can be found in communities all over the country, and parents, guardians and teachers can help the kids in their communities by identifying similar programs and encouraging them to participate. If teachers or youth-focused non-profits want to create their own STEM program, Dr. Rende’s whitepaper can help inform their approach and design to keep kids interested.

UScellular and YWCA are working on a digital version of the program guide to increase access for even more youth and help educators improve their STEM programming. Longer term, the perceptions and attitudes of the TechGYRLS participants will be measured to evaluate if the current decline in STEM interest is being reduced or averted. Advancing innovation requires people who pursue careers in STEM fields, so the more interest we can spark and sustain in young people, the brighter our future will look.

Learn more about how UScellular is supporting STEM education here.
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Pop Culture

Airbnb host finds unexpected benefits from not charging guests a cleaning fee

Host Rachel Boice went for a more "honest" approach with her listings—and saw major perks because of it.

@rachelrboice/TikTok

Many frustrated Airbnb customers have complained that the separate cleaning fee is a nuisance.

Airbnb defines its notorious cleaning fee as a “one-time charge” set by the host that helps them arrange anything from carpet shampoo to replenishing supplies to hiring an outside cleaning service—all in the name of ensuring guests have a “clean and tidy space.”

But as many frustrated Airbnb customers will tell you, this feature is viewed as more of a nuisance than a convenience. According to NerdWallet, the general price for a cleaning fee is around $75, but can vary greatly between listings, with some units having cleaning fees that are higher than the nightly rate (all while sometimes still being asked to do certain chores before checking out). And often none of these fees show up in the total price until right before the booking confirmation, leaving many travelers feeling confused and taken advantage of.

However, some hosts are opting to build cleaning fees into the overall price of their listings, mimicking the strategy of traditional hotels.

Rachel Boice runs two Airbnb properties in Georgia with her husband Parker—one being this fancy glass plane tiny house (seen below) that promises a perfect glamping experience.

@rachelrboice Welcome to The Tiny Glass House 🤎 #airbnbfinds #exploregeorgia #travelbucketlist #tinyhouse #glampingnotcamping #atlantageorgia #fyp ♬ Aesthetic - Tollan Kim

Like most Airbnb hosts, the Boice’s listing showed a nightly rate and separate cleaning fee. According to her interview with Insider, the original prices broke down to $89 nightly, and $40 for the cleaning fee.

But after noticing the negative response the separate fee got from potential customers, Rachel told Insider that she began charging a nightly rate that included the cleaning fee, totaling to $129 a night.

It’s a marketing strategy that more and more hosts are attempting in order to generate more bookings (people do love feeling like they’re getting a great deal) but Boice argued that the trend will also become more mainstream since the current Airbnb model “doesn’t feel honest.”

"We stay in Airbnbs a lot. I pretty much always pay a cleaning fee," Boice told Insider. "You're like: 'Why am I paying all of this money? This should just be built in for the cost.'"

Since combining costs, Rachel began noticing another unexpected perk beyond customer satisfaction: guests actually left her property cleaner than before they were charged a cleaning fee. Her hypothesis was that they assumed she would be handling the cleaning herself.

"I guess they're thinking, 'I'm not paying someone to clean this, so I'll leave it clean,'" she said.

This discovery echoes a similar anecdote given by another Airbnb host, who told NerdWallet guests who knew they were paying a cleaning fee would “sometimes leave the place looking like it’s been lived in and uncleaned for months.” So, it appears to be that being more transparent and lumping all fees into one overall price makes for a happier (and more considerate) customer.

These days, it’s hard to not be embittered by deceptive junk fees, which can seem to appear anywhere without warning—surprise overdraft charges, surcharges on credit cards, the never convenience “convenience charge” when purchasing event tickets. Junk fees are so rampant that certain measures are being taken to try to eliminate them outright in favor of more honest business approaches.

Speaking of a more honest approach—as of December 2022, AirBnb began updating its app and website so that guests can see a full price breakdown that shows a nightly rate, a cleaning fee, Airbnb service fee, discounts, and taxes before confirming their booking.

Guests can also activate a toggle function before searching for a destination, so that full prices will appear in search results—avoiding unwanted financial surprises.


This article originally appeared on 11.08.23

From Your Site Articles
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Family

School is back in session. Here are 5 simple lunch ideas to keep you sane while you keep your family healthy.

With O Organics, it's easy.

Photo credit: Canva

Yes, school lunches CAN be easy, healthy and inexpensive.

Parents, let’s face it: prepping school lunches can feel like trying to solve a complex math equation. It's got to be nutritious, appealing, fast, and let's not forget…within budget. But what if we told you there’s a secret weapon that can make this whole ordeal a breeze? Enter: O Organics from Albertsons.

O Organics offers a wide range of affordable, USDA organic goodies that are perfect for school lunches. From crunchy apple slices to delicious, creamy greek yogurt, they've got you covered. Plus, their prices won’t break the bank, proving that healthy eating doesn’t have to be a luxury.

Now, let’s get down to the good stuff: the food! Here are some simple, kid (and wallet) friendly lunch ideas—made entirely with O Organics ingredients—to help you ditch the processed junk and give your kids the fuel they need to conquer the classroom:

1. Pasta Salad

  • Main: A cold pasta salad made with O Organics whole-grain rotini pasta, O Organics chopped vegetables (like cucumbers, bell peppers, and cherry tomatoes), and Italian dressing. Add protein with chickpeas or a three bean blend.
  • Side: O Organics apple slices.
  • Snack: A serving of O Organics Greek yogurt, with some granola for a fun topping.

2. Egg Salad Sandwich

  • Main: A sandwich using whole wheat bread filled with a mixture of O Organics hard boiled eggs, mayo (or Greek yogurt for extra protein), mustard, dill, onion powder, salt and pepper.
  • Side:O Organics tortilla chips and salsa.
  • Snack: A pack of O Organics fruit strips.

3. Peanut Butter Apple Wrap (great for toddlers)

  • Main:O Organics peanut butter spread on a couple of flour soft taco tortillas, topped with thinly sliced apples. Drizzle some O Organics honey, roll it up and voila!
  • Side:O Organics baby-cut carrots with a side of hummus.
  • Snack:O Organics cottage cheese.

4. Quickie Quesadilla

  • Main: A tortilla filled with O Organics Mexican Style Shredded Cheese, black beans, and a sprinkle of chili powder.
  • Side: A couple of hard boiled O Organics eggs.
  • Snack: Ants on a log.

5. A Hot Dog…that stays hot

  • Main: You know the drill. Hot dog (we recommended the O Organics Beef Franks). Mustard. Cheese. Bun.
  • Side: A colorful side salad with spring mix, cherry tomatoes, and vinaigrette dressing.
  • Snack:O Organics banana chips.

But how the heck do you keep the hot dog hot? We’ve got just the tip, courtesy of Allrecipes.com:

Step 1

  • Preheat an insulated beverage container by filling it with boiling water. Let stand for 15 to 20 minutes. Right before leaving, dump out water and replace with more boiling water. The preheating keeps it hot for a longer time. Place the hot dog into the water and close the lid.

Step 2

  • When your child is ready for lunch, they can take the hot dog out of the container and place it on the bun.

Remember: This list is just a starting point. You can totally customize it to your kid’s needs and preferences. You can even involve your kiddos in the lunch-packing process to make it more fun for everyone. Let them help choose the menu, make a shopping list, pack their lunches…even grow their own veggies! If you’re feeling ambitious, that is.

No matter how you choose to give your kids the best possible start to their day, making small changes and taking advantage of resources like O Organics can help make it happen in a sustainable and enjoyable way.

So, what are you waiting for? Shop O Organics now exclusively at Albertsons, Safeway or any sister store. Your kids' bodies (and taste buds) will thank you.

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kids
Pop Culture

A female writer jokingly asked what's a 'universal thing men like' and the responses were hilarious

Here are 19 of the best responses.

via Unsplash

What do these men love?

Writer and illustrator Aubrey Hirsch jokingly asked her followers on Twitter what’s a “universal thing that most men like?” because she was writing a comic and “just realized I don’t actually know any men in real life." The tweet inspired an avalanche of funny responses.

Hirsch is the author of “Why We Never Talk About Sugar,” a collection of short stories, and her work has appeared in The New York Times, Child, American Short Fiction and Time.

The interesting thing about the responses is that they weren’t the typical stereotypes about men. She didn’t get a ton of people talking about sex, sports or toxic masculinity. Instead, there were a lot of folks that mentioned very specific male behaviors as if they were talking about a bizarre species they discovered in the wild.

There were two things that got the most comments on her post. First, men enjoy throwing heavy objects into bodies of water. Preferably, the larger the rock, the deeper the body of water and from the highest vantage point possible.

The other is watching construction sites. Evidently, the phenomenon is so popular in Italy that there is a specific word for this type of person in Italian.

Here are 19 of the best responses to the question, “What’s a universal thing that most men like?”

1.

When asked why men enjoy watching construction sites so much, a poster on Reddit named justdaps had the perfect response. "I just find it really satisfying and interesting to see the process behind things being built," he wrote.

2.

3.

4.

I have seen dudes do this and I have done it plenty of times myself. I usually stand while watching TV when I want to really focus on what’s happening and do not want to be distracted. This usually happens while watching sporting events or the news. It's also a great way to use your body language to let other people know that there is something very important happening on the television.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

When we do this 99% of the time we’re pretending that the sign is 10 feet high and that we have the ability to dunk a basketball. There are two types of men, those that can dunk and mere mortals.

10.

As a man, this one is near and dear to my heart. I can’t tell you the number of hours I have spent with my friends just throwing lines from “The Big Lebowski” back and forth.

“Nice marmot.”

“The Dude abides.”

“Say what you want about the tenets of national socialism, Dude. At least it’s an ethos.”

A movie that's running up the ranks of being among the most quotable is another dude buddy pic, "Once Upon a Time ... In Hollywood."

"All right, that's too hot. Anything we can do about that heat?" ... "Rick, it's a flamethrower.”

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

Unfortunately, this is true and men do far too much of it.

19.

Evidently, after reading the responses, Hirsch knew what was going to happen next. No need to feel ashamed about going viral. It just means you created something that people love.


This story was originally published on 3.42.22.

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men
Community

17 sights, sounds and feels that only children of the '70s will ever understand

Remember getting wrapped up in a super-long phone cord?

via Seattle Municipal Archives/Flickr

Kids at Seattle Center during Bumbershoot, 1973

A lot has changed since the 1970s. If you took a 20-year-old from 2024 and put them in a time machine back to 1974, they’d have a hard time figuring out how to use a telephone, get a good picture on the television set with rabbit ears, or buy tickets for the Pink Floyd or Jackson 5 concert.

They’d also probably be appalled by the number of people who smoke, the massive amount of litter on the streets, and the general lack of concern for the safety of children. In certain cities, they’d also be blown away by the amount of smog in the air.

A Reddit user directing a production that takes place in the '70s wanted to learn what life was like in the “Me Decade,” so they asked the AkkReddit forum for “some behaviors from that time that have disappeared,” and he received over 2,400 responses.

Some were bittersweet remembrances of a carefree and unsupervised childhood. At the same time, others recalled a time when children were often the targets of abuse and subject to many traumatic experiences that they were discouraged from speaking about.

We looked at the thread and chose the 17 best responses to behaviors from the ‘70s that “have disappeared.”



1. Playing with the phone cord

"Fidgeting with the long coiled cord while talking on the phone—like twirling your finger into the coil."

"We had a long cord that you could swing like a jump rope."

"Answering every phone call with some variation of '<last name> residence, <first name> speaking.'"

2. Smelling cigarette smoke

"Smoking everywhere all the time."

"I remember the teachers lounge in my grammar school oozing smoke."

"4 hour drives to see Nannie, all windows closed, both mom and dad smoking. Think of it, three 3 small kids getting poisioned from the 2nd hand smoke, pleading to stop or open the window and Dad saying 'get used to it, the world smokes' andMom saying the cracked open wi dow was 'too noisy'. Breathing through our coat sleeves with the arms opening under their car seats, where the fresh air came out. Four hours of constant nausea and illness that lingerd for 30 min after."

3. Soda cans for candy

"Returning soda bottles to the store and getting enough money back to buy a candy bar."

"Yes, having work and save up for the candy bar or pack of gum. Or being lucky enough to find a penny for the gum ball machine outside the grocery store. "

4. Clothes lasted forever

"The lengths everyone went to make things last, all our clothes were patched or sewn up and handed down. New clothes shopping was maybe once a year. Or whenever the Sears catalog came out."



5. Payphones

"Checking the change slot in the phone booths in case people forgot their coins. I also remember when phone calls were a dime!"

6. Calling the Time Lady

"367-1234. At the time the time will be 11:22 and 20 seconds — beep”

7. Playing outside all day

"When being sent outside to play meant you were given a radius to stay in like 'our neighboorhood,' and a time to be home was 'when the street lights come on.'"

8. TV was appointment viewing

"Reading TV Guide for program times."

"There was no way to record a show until VCRs came came out, so you watched a show when it was scheduled to be broadcast, and missed it if you didn’t turn it on at the time it started. So, families had to negotiate if there was more than one show on that people wanted to watch. Prime time was a big deal because that was when the three networks played their top shows."



9. Rabbit ears

"Wrapping tin foil squares on 'rabbit ear' antennas."

"When the picture got fuzzy, slapping the side of the TV set to correct the picture."

10. The phone book had many uses

"That big phone book was the booster seat for the youngest kid at the table."

11. CB radios

"References the cb radio culture during normal conversations. Everyone understood."

"Ten four"

"Breaker, breaker"

"You got that right, good buddy."

12. Long distance was pricey

"Making local calls vs long distance calls. Had to keep calls short to relatives because they were long distance. Making collect calls."

"Right, and you might add the cost of long distance calls was X amount per minute. Also, moving into a new place required a call to the telephone company to have a phone installed in various rooms and you had to preorder the types and colors."

"If you wanted to make an overseas call, you had to call the international operator at least a couple of hours before the call to schedule it."



13. Fake collect calls

"Making fake collect calls to your parents to come pick you up. 'You have received a collect call from … ‘we’re done and out front!’… do you wish to accept the call? Nope. Already got the message."

14. Before scrolling, we read

"Reading. Reading the newspaper. Reading the cereal boxes at breakfast. Reading on the toilet. Doing crosswords and word games. Before phones, you had to engage more with what was around."

"If there was no Reader’s Digest in the bathroom, you had to read the shampoo ingredients. Sodium laurel sulfate, etc."

15. The bank line

"When Friday rolled around, and you needed money for the weekend, you went to the bank, stood in line and made a withdrawal."
"We took our checks to the bank on Friday to be cashed, some for the checking account and some for spending cause everything was paid for with cash."

16. Unsafe seating in trucks

"No seatbelts, but drivers could get in trouble if car was overfilled, so a mom would yell 'duck' if she saw a cop. This would be a Volkswagen Bug with 7-8 kids piled up going to the beach or park. Totally normal to pile kids in the bed of a pickup truck - sometimes with folding chairs. Also common to grab the back of a car while you were skateboarding (there was a word for this I don't remember)."

17. Staring at the sky

"Laying down in the grass and looking at the sky. Leisure time died when portable entertainment became a thing, particularly nobile phones. The level of disconnection that's required to just stare at clouds or stars (and be happy doing it) is sorely missing nowadays. At least I miss it."

From Your Site Articles
1970s nostalgia
Parenting

Parents now know exactly how to talk to their childless friends thanks to one woman's advice

Rule #1: "I know that most of you think you are not talking about your kids. Cut that back 80%."

@circulargurl/TikTok

she makes some good points

While people who choose to be child-free are completely happy for their friends who do have kids, the difference in lifestyles and priorities can start to cause riffs in many otherwise strong friendships.

A lot of the dissonance can come from the fact that, understandably, being a parent is a major part of someone’s identity. It’s not just about being bombarded with baby pictures, but the way 99% of conversations and activities steer towards things kid-related that is alienating and aggravating.

Thai is what prompted a gal who goes by @circulargurl on TikTok to create a video sharing her list of things parents should not be doing around their child-free friends. And while the video did ruffle some feathers, it brought up some interesting things to consider.

First off in her “rules of decorum”: not hijacking the conversation to talk about the kids, which she assured happens way more often than parents think it does.

I know that most of you think you are not talking about your kids. Cut that back 80%,” she said. “I can guarantee you you're talking about your children most of the conversation. And while we want to hear about your kids ... we don't have children so, we really can't relate so it's a very one-sided conversation.”

Similarly for rule #2: no “logistics.”

For this she gave an example, saying “This summer, when talking with my friends with kids, the amount of conversations I heard which are especially one-sided are about your logistics of getting your kids to activities, summer camps, all of that.”

Why is this a no no? A) It’s “boring.” And B) again, it’s “one-sided.”


@circulargurl Response to @DrLeilaIsSad #childfree #single #dating #singlewomen #parents #parentadvice #childfreebychoice #career #hinge #old #datingapps ♬ original sound - Circulargurl


Next, she asked parents (or people in a partnered relationship, for that matter) to refrain from asking their kid-free or unpartnered friends about their dating life. For one thing, she says that “the dating landscape has changed greatly, and it's a bloodbath,” since COVID, and might be a touchy subject. But even still, romance might not might not be the “center” of their ambitions at the moment. Instead, try to “explore other topics.”

This woman also has a rule that if a child-free friend is visiting from out of town, please do not take them to a kid’s birthday party as an activity. And she seemed to feel strongly about this, saying “it's rude, frankly ... you then put us into a situation where we're with a bunch of other parents and other kids, and we don't identify with that at all. And it's not a place where adult conversation can be had. It's not interesting.”

“We're generally trapped because if we're visiting you from out of town, we're then trapped at the location you brought us to with a bunch of kids and parents we don't know, you know, all talking about our topic, we don't necessarily have an interest in.”

As far as bowing out of plans, the OP added a rule prohibiting using the excuse of “‘My husband won't let me” to cancel, something that a “staggering amount” of her friends have done, apparently.

While she understands that things come up, her use is the “off-putting” phrasing, since “there's something in it that makes it seem like spending time with you is something that they have to somehow come to an agreement on because it's not important.”

But to that point, she begged for parents to “please, please, please” to do their best to come to their kid free friends events.

“Please, please, please, come to our events — our birthdays, our career milestone celebrations. Those are our events. We didn't have a wedding. We didn't have an engagement party. We didn't have a bridal shower. We didn't have a baby shower. We didn't have any of that. If we have an event, it's just as important as those, and if you don't make it, that is an insult.”

And for those who truly can’t come, an actual “check-in” from time to tiem works wonders.

“If you have a friend who lives alone and you go months without checking in with them, it's just not, it's not okay. People who are unpartnered and don't have kids are often sent an inordinate amount of time alone. I don't know what you think they're doing, but they're alone a lot of the time. It can be very isolating. So, please, please, please make a habit of checking in with them, and don't expect them to always check in with you.”

Last, but certainly not least, the OP encourages parents to not make offhanded comments expressing jealousy.

“Don't be envious of the time you think we have…don't be envious of our career advances…we all make our choices. The best way to lose adult friends is to be envious of them. And I see that happening with so much tension happening between ... very successful single child-free women and their mother friends who take a few years to slow down in their careers…it's something we don't talk about enough and we all need to get a little bit more comfortable with it. Not to say mothers cannot be very, very successful, very, very successful, but they're there. You can't have everything all at the same time.”

And that’s that. Eight rules for parents who want to keep their child-free friends in mind.

The video certainly resonated with other child-fre folks who often felt isolated during interactions with their mom friends. One viewer stated “this is such an important topic to talk about + conversation to have. Couples have been prioritized, celebrated + centered for so long. Adults who tackle life alone need validation, respect + support.”

Still, though it goes without saying, so much of this boils down to what makes any friendship work—respecting boundaries, being aware of personal interests, making an effort to stay in touch, etc. As one person put it, “these are all great as long as it’s a two way street and the single/childless friends are also asking how the parents and kids are doing and show interest in their children. It should be reciprocal IMO.”

Maintaining adult friendships is hard. Period. But they are oh so important. So while this set of rules might not be the end-all-be-all for everyone, it’s certainly a conversation worth having…and could end up proving helpful for parents looking to hold onto a bit of themselves that has nothing to do with being a parent (also very important).

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Maya Angelou reads slain peace activist's words on the transformative power of being alone

Peace activist Rachel Corrie died shortly after composing this email on a peace mission in Gaza.

via FakroonMedia/YouTube and Wikimedia Commons

Maya Angelou and peace activist Rachel Corrie.

The death of peace activist Rachel Corrie in 2003 has come to greater prominence over the past year as war rages between Hamas and Israel in Gaza. Twenty-one years ago, 23-year-old Corrie became the first American to be deemed a martyr in the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine, after being run over by an Israeli bulldozer.

Corrie had gone to Gaza to nonviolently protest the bulldozing of homes in an area Israel was clearing to prevent militants from having a place to hide. While protecting the family home of local pharmacist Samir Nasrallah from demolition by the Israel Defense Forces, she was run over by an armed Caterpillar D9R armored bulldozer.

Israel claimed that the bulldozer driver couldn’t see Corrie and that her death was unintentional. Corrie’s family later sued Israel for a symbolic $1 in damages, but a court rejected the suit. The court ruling was called “unacceptable” by former U.S. President Jimmy Carter.


On the third anniversary of Corrie’s death, in 2006, poet Maya Angelou read one of the final emails she wrote home after leaving Olympia, Washington for Gaza. Angelou is a famed American author, historian, and civil rights activist best known for her 1969 memoir of growing up in the South, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.”

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

Rachel’s email from January 2003.

We are all born and someday we’ll all die. Most likely to some degree alone. What if our aloneness isn’t a tragedy? What if our aloneness is what allows us to speak the truth without being afraid? What if our aloneness is what allows us to adventure – to experience the world as a dynamic presence – as a changeable, interactive thing?

If I lived in Bosnia or Rwanda or who knows where else, needless death wouldn’t be a distant symbol to me, it wouldn’t be a metaphor, it would be a reality.

And I have no right to this metaphor. But I use it to console myself. To give a fraction of meaning to something enormous and needless.

This realization. This realization that I will live my life in this world where I have privileges.

I can’t cool boiling waters in Russia. I can’t be Picasso. I can’t be Jesus. I can’t save the planet single-handedly.

I can wash dishes.


rachel corrie, gaza, maya angelouRachel Corrie stands up to a bulldozer before being killed.via Joe Carr/Wikimedia Commons

The key message in Corrie’s email is that there is power in being alone. It shows that sometimes when we aren’t preoccupied with the expectations of others, we give ourselves the space to grow to our fullest potential. It’s also a sad commentary that many of the people we love in our lives can hinder reaching our potential.

Corrie's words are a great reminder, in a world constantly distracted by screens, that we can only truly develop as people when we have a moment of solitude to explore our own thoughts and deeply held moral beliefs.

The piece is also an invitation to visualize what our lives can be if we follow our own paths without worrying about what others think. What truths would we speak and what adventures would we seek? What causes would we stand up for if we knew we wouldn’t be judged?

Corrie’s words also echo those of Maya Angelou, who believed that only through courage can we reach our potential. “One isn't necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest,” she told USA Today in 1988.

Two years after Corrie’s death, her diaries and emails came to life in a play called “My Name is Rachel Corrie,” which has been staged worldwide, including in her hometown of Olympia, Washington, in 2017.

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