+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy
More

In India, selling acid to anyone under 18 is banned. These 4 women can explain why.

How the Sheroes' Hangout empowers women everywhere.

Note: This story contains descriptions of gender-based violence.

20 years ago, Geeta Mahor was asleep with her two toddler daughters when her husband poured acid on them.

His reasoning? He was upset that she hadn’t brought him a son. Her 3-year-old daughter, Neetu, was left blind while her 1-year-old daughter, Krishna, died as a result of the burns a few weeks after the incident.

Over a decade later, Geeta — now more noticeable because of her scars — was approached by a member of India’s Stop Acid Attacks campaign. The group helped Geeta start a small kitchen to support herself, which eventually turned into a venue where survivors of acid attacks could redefine themselves as change-makers and heroines.

Geeta Mohr. All photos taken by Amund Bakke Foss and used with permission.

Acid attacks are heinous, gender-based crimes that are becoming more common in India.

In fact, India now has one of the highest rates of gender-based acid violence worldwide. According to a 2011 study, 72% of the cases reported in India from 2002 to 2010 included at least one female victim. In most of these cases, the perpetrators were men. While there are no exact recent figures available for India, in 2014 the Acid Survivors Foundation India documented 394 acid attacks nationwide, which triples the figures documented from the previous year.

"This number can be attributed to more women coming out and complaining about the crime, better mechanism of documenting the crime and the police's improved attitude towards handling the cases more seriously," said Janhavi Dave, a feminist activist working on gender and livelihood issues in India.

Agra, a city in the Uttar Pradesh state of northern India, is home to the kitchen that Geeta opened years ago, now called Sheroes’ Hangout.

Sheroes’ Hangout café in the city of Agra.

Sheroes’ Hangout, launched in late 2014, serves delicious food and drinks in the shadow of a glamorous neighbor: the ivory-white marble palace of the Taj Mahal. But since its opening, it has also had a larger purpose: to become a beacon of hope and strength for survivors of acid attacks and a center for art, education, and activism.

"In a small kitchen, I can fulfill my dreams, but with a big café, not only my dreams, but the dreams of all acid attack survivors in India," Geeta said.

The café is currently run by five female survivors of acid attacks, and four of them told me their stories.

The team includes Geeta and her daughter Neetu, who is now 24. The acid might have burned Neetu’s face and eyes, but it didn't reach her big welcoming smile.

Neetu sits at the café’s entrance to welcome visitors.

20-year-old Ritu Saini, a former professional volleyball player, is the manager of the café. In a case of revenge for unrequited love, Ritu’s cousin hired people to attack her with acid as she walked in the streets of her hometown Rohtak in the Indian state of Haryana.

Ritu is the Sheroes’ Hangout’s manager.

The youngest "shero" at the hangout is 16-year-old Dolly Kumari from Agra.

"I read about the café in the newspapers, so I decided to join the fight. I wanted to stop living in the closet and being ashamed, and my family supported me," she said.

Dolly was attacked three years ago by a man who constantly harassed her as she walked to school. "I told my parents, and they had a fight with him, my parents verbally abused him. One day I was playing with my siblings, and to take vengeance he poured acid on my face," Dolly explained.

The fight against acid attacks in India is still on, led by women like Dolly, Ritu, Geeta, and Neetu.

Several acid attack laws were passed in India in early 2013, including the Criminal Law Act. Under the new law, a person convicted of carrying out or being involved in an acid attack would face a minimum of 10 years of imprisonment and a maximum of a life sentence.

And in July 2013, India's Supreme Court also ordered that acid should not be sold to anyone under the age of 18 in an attempt to reduce attacks on women. At the same time, the court ordered a financial entitlement of 300,000 rupees to the survivors to help with rehabilitation as well.

(From left) Geeta, Ritu, Neetu, and Dolly.

But in 2014, a report analyzing 55 cases of acid attack in India indicated that on average it still took between 5 and 10 years for a legal case to be concluded and that only a few survivors actually received compensation.

Indian feminists like the sheroes welcome the supreme court’s ruling, but they also see that there is a long road ahead.

For example, it is still easier to buy concentrated acid than eyeliner or lipstick at Indian markets.

"Acid attack survivors want to adjust back into the society and be economically independent, but due to physical disability as a result of the attack or because of the popular notion of 'beauty,' the survivors are bereft of job opportunities. Spaces like Sheroes’ Hangout provide an opportunity to not only earn, but also continue their fight of activism," Dave said.

Geeta, Neetu, Ritu, and Dolly recently returned to their café after a short trip to the city of Lucknow, where they helped to open a second branch of Sheroes’ Hangout on International Women’s Day.

"I am very happy about the Lucknow branch. Seven survivors are running the café and starting a reach-out Stop Acid Attacks campaign sponsored by the Uttar Pradesh government," Geeta said.

Ritu, Dolly, and Geeta enjoy a cold drink in the Agra kitchen after their trip to Lucknow.

The Sheroes’ Hangout pay-as-you-want menu sums up the mission of the cafe pretty well: "Snacks are served with the chutney of empowerment," the menu reads. "Drinks are made using the sugar of happiness."

While I'm there, a customer approaches Ritu and tells her that the sheroes are a worldwide inspiration. Ritu's face lights up.

"People on the streets of Agra used to say hurtful comments about my face," she says. "After the success of the café, people come from all over the world to take pictures with us. Life is good."

Modern Families

Do you have a "living room family" or a "bedroom family"?

This 'debate' is all the rage on TikTok. But one is not better than the other.

alexxx1915/TikTok

TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid."

She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.





@alexxx1915

#livingroomfamily #fypシ

What are "living room families" and "bedroom families"?

This idea has been going around for a while on social media.

Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.

A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.

"Living room families" has become the latest aspirational term on TikTok. Everyone wants to be a living room family!

The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults.

"I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in livingroom. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.

"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another.

"You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.

There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.

In my own household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.

The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.

But the big twist is that it's also perfectly fine if your kids — and you! — like a little more solitary time.

boy playing with toys on the floorGavyn Alejandro/Unsplash

Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.

There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.

But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better.

Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house.

But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.

Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive.

Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.

So are you a living room family or a bedroom family? Turns out, it doesn't really matter, as long as your family loves each other and allows everyone to be exactly who they are.

From Your Site Articles
parents
Education

Kid’s seemingly correct answer on a math test has the Internet up in arms

A simple answer raises plenty of questions.

via Imgur

Memories of testing like this gets people fired up.

It doesn't take much to cause everyone on the internet to go a little crazy, so it's not completely surprising that an incorrect answer on a child's math test is the latest event to get people fired up.

The test in question asked kids to solve "5 x 3" using repeated addition. Under this method, the correct answer is "5 groups of 3," not "3 groups of 5." The question is typical of Common Core but has many questioning this type of standardized testing and how it affects learning.

After an image of the test was uploaded to Imgur, many took to voicing their opinions on both sides of the argument. One commenter took up the side of the student, saying, "As an instructor: fuck it. I am actually happy when I see people finding alternative ways to solve the problems." Another said, "Actually the teacher is correct. 5*3 means 5 times the number 3, or 3+3+3+3+3. Understand, we are not in the room when it was TAUGHT."

One thing we can all agree on is about "5+5+5" is that it equals another example of how much people on the internet love to argue.

school system, internet, school

Did you get it wrong too?

Imgur

This article originally appeared on 9.9.21

From Your Site Articles
education
Health

Conflict expert shares the 1 phrase you can use to stop an argument from happening

It'll make people agree with you, too.

via Canva/Photos

A guy having a collaborative conversation.

The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.

Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.

Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.

How to have a constructive conversation

Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.

The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsPeople coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos

When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.

It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.

Phrases you can use to avoid an argument

The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”

Here are some other phrases you can use:

“I wonder if…”

“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”

“I might be wrong, but…”

“How funny! I had a different reaction…”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”

“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”


conversation, arguments, communication tipsTwo men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos

What's the best way to disagree with people?

A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.

“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.

In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.

relationships
Identity

5 years' worth of photos show how testosterone affected one person's life.

A journey as a trans person in photographs.

Photo from YouTube video.

Photo of Skylar.

Even though he was born "Katherine Elizabeth," Skylar lived like a regular little boy for most of his childhood.

He was happy.

This is Skylar.

A photo collection of a young Skylar.

Photo from YouTube video.

Little Skylar.

Photo from YouTube video.

But when puberty hit, he started feeling intense pressure to be "normal" and fit in. So he tried to present as more traditionally "feminine."

Puberty happens.

Photo from YouTube video.

But he couldn't shake the feeling that he was denying a huge part of himself. Late in high school, he started taking testosterone.

Eating and feeling more comfortable.

Photo from YouTube video.

Skylar started feeling more comfortable immediately. And before he knew it, he was at his "dream school," having the time of his life. And taking lots and lots of pictures of himself.

A person and their dog.

Photo from YouTube video.

Access to medical care played a big part in Skylar becoming the person he is today, but that wasn't all.

Check out his story and walk five years in his shoes. It's definitely a perspective we don't see often enough:

This article originally appeared on 08.30.14

From Your Site Articles
Health

After she asked for a mental health day, a screenshot of her boss' response went viral

This is what leadership should look like. 💯

Image shared by Madalyn Parker

Madalyn shared with her colleagues about her own mental health.

Madalyn Parker wanted to take a couple days off work. She didn't have the flu, nor did she have plans to be on a beach somewhere, sipping mojitos under a palm tree.

Parker, a web developer from Michigan, wanted a few days away from work to focus on her mental health.

Parker lives with depression. And, she says, staying on top of her mental health is absolutely crucial.

"The bottom line is that mental health is health," she says over email. "My depression stops me from being productive at my job the same way a broken hand would slow me down since I wouldn't be able to type very well."

work emails, depression, office emails, community

Madalyn Parker was honest with her colleagues about her situation.

Photo courtesy Madalyn Parker.

She sent an email to her colleagues, telling them the honest reason why she was taking the time off.

"Hopefully," she wrote to them, "I'll be back next week refreshed and back to 100%."

Soon after the message was sent, the CEO of Parker's company wrote back:

"Hey Madalyn,

I just wanted to personally thank you for sending emails like this. Every time you do, I use it as a reminder of the importance of using sick days for mental health — I can't believe this is not standard practice at all organizations. You are an example to us all, and help cut through the stigma so we can all bring our whole selves to work."

Moved by her CEO's response, Parker posted the email exchange to Twitter.

The tweet, published on June 30, 2017, has since gone viral, amassing 45,000 likes and 16,000 retweets.

"It's nice to see some warm, fuzzy feelings pass around the internet for once," Parker says of the response to her tweet. "I've been absolutely blown away by the magnitude though. I didn't expect so much attention!"

Even more impressive than the tweet's reach, however, were the heartfelt responses it got.

"Thanks for giving me hope that I can find a job as I am," wrote one person, who opened up about living with panic attacks. "That is bloody incredible," chimed in another. "What a fantastic CEO you have."

Some users, however, questioned why there needs to be a difference between vacation time and sick days; after all, one asked, aren't vacations intended to improve our mental well-being?

That ignores an important distinction, Parker said — both in how we perceive sick days and vacation days and in how that time away from work is actually being spent.

"I took an entire month off to do partial hospitalization last summer and that was sick leave," she wrote back. "I still felt like I could use vacation time because I didn't use it and it's a separate concept."

Many users were astounded that a CEO would be that understanding of an employee's mental health needs.

They were even more surprised that the CEO thanked her for sharing her personal experience with caring for her mental health.

After all, there's still a great amount of stigma associated with mental illness in the workplace, which keeps many of us from speaking up to our colleagues when we need help or need a break to focus on ourselves. We fear being seen as "weak" or less committed to our work. We might even fear losing our job.

Ben Congleton, the CEO of Parker's company, Olark, even joined the conversation himself.

In a blog post on Medium, Congleton wrote about the need for more business leaders to prioritize paid sick leave, fight to curb the stigma surrounding mental illness in the workplace, and see their employees as people first.

"It's 2017. We are in a knowledge economy. Our jobs require us to execute at peak mental performance," Congleton wrote. "When an athlete is injured, they sit on the bench and recover. Let's get rid of the idea that somehow the brain is different."


This article originally appeared on 07.11.17

From Your Site Articles
Trending Stories