A guy having a collaborative conversation.
The quickest way to stop having a constructive dialog with someone is when they become defensive. This usually results in them digging in their heels and making you defensive. This can result in a vicious cycle of back-and-forth defensive behavior that can feel impossible to break. Once that happens, the walls go up, the gloves come off and resolving the situation becomes tough.
Amanda Ripley, author of “High Conflict: Why We Get Trapped and How We Get Out,” says in her book that you can prevent someone you disagree with from becoming defensive by being curious about their opinion.
Ripley is a bestselling author and the co-founder of Good Conflict, a media and training company that helps people reimagine conflict.
Let’s say you believe the room should be painted red and your spouse says it should be blue. Instead of saying, “I think blue is ugly,” you can say, “It’s interesting that you say that…” and ask them to explain why they chose blue.
The key phrase is: “It’s interesting that you say that…”
People coming to an agreement. via Canva/Photos
When you show the other person that you genuinely care about their thoughts and appreciate their reasoning, they let down their guard. This makes them feel heard and encourages them to hear your side as well. This approach also encourages the person you disagree with to consider coming up with a collaborative solution instead of arguing to defend their position.
It’s important to assume the other person has the best intentions while listening to them make their case. “To be genuinely curious, we need to refrain from judgment and making negative assumptions about others. Assume the other person didn’t intend to annoy you. Assume they are doing the best they can. Assume the very best about them. You’ll appreciate it when others do it for you,” Kaitlyn Skelly at The Ripple Effect Education writes.
The curiosity approach can also involve affirming the other person’s perspective while adding your own, using a phrase like, “On the one hand, I see what you’re saying. On the other hand…”
Here are some other phrases you can use:
“I wonder if…”
“It’s interesting that you say that because I see it differently…”
“I might be wrong, but…”
“How funny! I had a different reaction…”
“I hadn’t thought of it like that! For me, though, it seems…”
“I think I understand your point, though I look at it a little differently…”
Two men high-fiving one another.via Canva/Photos
A 2016 study from Yale University supports Ripley’s ideas. The study found that when people argue to “win,” they take a hard line and only see one correct answer in the conflict. Whereas those who want to “learn” are more likely to see that there is more than one solution to the problem. At that point, competition magically turns into collaboration.
“Being willing to hear out other perspectives and engage in dialogue that isn’t simply meant to convince the other person you’re right can lead to all sorts of unexpected insights,” psychologist and marketing Professor at Southern Methodist University tells CNBC.
In a world of strong opinions and differing perspectives, curiosity can be a superpower that helps you have more constructive conversations with those with whom you disagree. All it takes is a little humility and an open mind, and you can turn conflict into collaboration, building bridges instead of walls.
TikTok user alexxx1915 recently posted a short video with the caption: "I just learned the term 'living room family' and I never understood why my kids never played in their rooms when I always did as a kid."
She briefly shows her kids hanging out in the living room with their pet dog and some toys scattered around the floor, before panning to her own face and giving a sort of sentimental look. The simple, ten-second clip struck a huge nerve with parents, racking up over 25 million views and thousands of heartfelt comments.
@alexxx1915 #livingroomfamily #fypシ
This idea has been going around for a while on social media.
Simply put, a living room family is a family that congregates in the living room, or any common space in the household. Kids play in the same space where the adults relax — and things are often messy, as a result. Everyone interacts with each other and spends lots of time together. Bedrooms are reserved mostly for sleeping and dressing.
A bedroom family, on the other hand, is where the kids spend more time in their rooms. They play there, watch TV, and maybe even eat meals. Typically, the main rooms of the house are kept neat and tidy — you won't find a lot of toys scattered about — and family time spent together is more structured and planned ahead rather than casual.
The implication of being a bedroom family, or having 'room kids', is that perhaps they don't feel safe or comfortable or even allowed to take up room in the rest of the house, or to be around the adults.
"I remember my brother coming round once and he just sat in silence while watching my kids play in livingroom. After a while he looked at me and said 'It's so nice that your kids want to be around you'" one commenter said on alexxx1915's video.
"I thought my kids hated their rooms 🥺 turns out they like me more" said another.
"You broke a generational curse. Good job mama!" said yet another.
There's so much that's great about having a family that lives out in the open — especially if you were raised feeling like you had to hide in your room.
In my own household, we're definitely a living room family. We're around each other constantly, and the house is often a mess because of it. Learning about this term makes me feel a little better that my kids want to be around us and feel comfortable enough to get their 'play mess' all over the living room.
The mess is a sign of the love and comfort we all share together.
Gavyn Alejandro/Unsplash
Being a 'bedroom family' is actually perfectly OK.
There's a similar discourse that took place last year about living room parents vs bedroom parents. The general consensus seemed to be that it was better to be a living room parent, who relaxed out in the open versus taking alone time behind closed doors.
But it really doesn't have to be one or the other, and neither is necessarily better.
Making your kids feel relegated to their room is, obviously, not great. It's not a good thing if they feel like they're not allowed to exist in and play in the rest of the house.
But if they just like hanging out in their room? Nothing wrong with that at all! And same goes for parents.
Alone time is important for parents and kids alike, and everyone needs different amounts of it to thrive.
Kids with certain special needs, like being on the autism spectrum, may be absolutely thrilled to spend lots of time in their rooms, for example.
So are you a living room family or a bedroom family? Turns out, it doesn't really matter, as long as your family loves each other and allows everyone to be exactly who they are.
With one turn of the wheel, my dad taught me a lesson about self-care in high school that I'll never forget.
When I was in high school, I woke up one morning feeling overwhelmed. I was an honors student, I was involved in various activities and clubs, and for whatever reason, I felt thoroughly unprepared for the day. I don't recall if I had a test or a presentation or if it was just a normal school day that I couldn't face—I just remember feeling like I'd hit a wall and couldn't make my mental gears turn right.
I usually walked the mile and a half to school, but I was running late so my dad offered to drive me. In the car, I tried to keep it together, but halfway to school, the tears started to fall. My dad looked over and asked if I was OK.
"I don't know," I sobbed. "I feel like … I just … I need a day."
He knew I wasn't sick. He could have told me to tough it out. He could have given me a pep talk. He could have forced me to go. But he didn't do any of those things.
With zero hesitation—and just a simple "OK"—he turned the car around and took me home.
I have no memory of what I did the rest of that day. Three decades later, the only thing that sticks out is the basic-but-profound lesson my dad instilled in me the moment he turned that steering wheel: It's totally OK to take care of yourself.
We talked about it briefly on the way home. As it turned out, he was also taking a "mental health day." My dad was a social worker, and as an adult, I can totally understand why he would need to take a random day off sometimes. But it didn't really matter what he did for a living. Most of us need an occasional mental health day—adults, teens and kids alike.
man and woman lying on grassPhoto by Clem Onojeghuo on UnsplashSome schools have begun incorporating this understanding into their school attendance policies. Utah passed a bill in 2018 that allows a mental health day to count as an excused absence from school. Oregon enacted a similar law in 2019 and Arizona, Colorado, Connecticut, Illinois, Maine, Nevada and Virginia have followed suit.
“Mental health days are not only good for the practical aspect of giving young people a break," psychologist Caroline Clauss-Ehlers, Ph.D., told Healthline, "but they also validate that the community and society are saying, ‘We understand and we’re supporting you in this way.”
Occupational therapist Shelli Dry concurs, telling Healthline that acceptance of mental health days can help eliminate the stigma that often comes with mental illness.
“For schools to recognize that sometimes it’s better to take a mental health day than push through when you cannot seem to cope, is a tremendous support for students to feel understood and accepted, and [this, in turn, encourages] students to understand and accept themselves more,” she said.
closed eye boy laying on brown maple leavesPhoto by Annie Spratt on UnsplashSometimes we forget how hard it is being a kid. In some ways, I think it's way harder than being an adult. Considering the fact that 1 in 6 kids between the ages of 6 and 17 experience a mental health disorder each year, we need to acknowledge that a lot of kids have days where they're struggling. But even kids who don't deal with mental illness sometimes need a down day. Modern life is busy and complex, no matter our age. Managing it all daily—and then also handling whatever extra stuff life throws at us—is a lot.
Part of good parenting is teaching kids to persevere through challenges, but encouraging perseverance has to be balanced with insight and wisdom. Sometimes kids might cry wolf, but it's important for parents to understand that kids might be dealing with more than we know. Sometimes kids need to be encouraged to dig deep for resilience. Sometimes kids have already been resilient for a long time and need a little time and space to just be.
My dad knew me. He understood that I wasn't just being lazy or trying to get out of doing something hard. He trusted me to know what I needed, which in turn taught me to listen to my inner alarm and trust myself. As a result, I've spent my adult life with a good sense of when I need to push through and when I need to pause and reset—a gift I'm immensely grateful for.
three children sitting on grassPhoto by Charlein Gracia on UnsplashAll of that said, this advice does come with a caveat. As a parent of kids who are learning to manage anxiety, mental health days can be a mixed bag. There's a difference between taking a mental health day because you really need it—which happens—and taking a mental health day to avoid facing fears—which also happens. Avoidance feels good in the moment but fuels anxiety in the long run, so parents and kids have to be aware of how the idea can be misused and unintentionally make certain mental health issues worse.
The bottom line, however, is that kids need breaks sometimes. And when you allow them to take an occasional day here and there to breathe, to do some self-care, to reconnect with themselves and reset their mental and emotional barometer, you teach them that their well-being matters. You teach them that it's OK to acknowledge when they've hit a limit and pause to recoup their strength.
It's OK to turn the car around when you know you need to. That's a lesson we all need to learn, and one we need to support with work and school policies in addition to internalizing individually. We're making some good strides toward that goal, and the sooner we all get on the same page, the better everyone's well-being will be.
This article originally appeared on 2.2.22